How to Move Forward When You Still Want Revenge

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Stephen King calls spite “methadone for the soul,” a replacement preoccupation we partake of in order to avoid the real pain of suffering.

And much like a drug,  a feeling of ill will towards those who have harmed us is a challenging habit to quit.

It’s normal to want to strike back, to want those who have rendered harm to experience the pain. Yet, as we learn from Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride, a life solely lived for revenge ends up only inflicting more harm and doesn’t act to end the pain.

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I know I struggled with finding a balance between my desire for retribution and my hunger to put it all behind me after my divorce. Petty or even violent thoughts pushed through the aura of compassion I tried to carry, simultaneously capturing my attention and making me feel dirty. Proving the aptness of King’s description of spite.

Eventually, I found a place where I can live with what he did and, perhaps more importantly, live with myself. Here’s what helped me:

Distinguish Between a Place You Visit and a Place You Live 

It’s impossible to suppress all feelings of spite. So don’t. It’s okay to spend some time with fantasies and feelings of retribution. But think of them as a temporary residence, a short-term stay rather than a homestead. Visit when the urge overwhelms and then close the door behind you when you’re ready to leave.

Be Mindful of Your Intentions (and Their Consequences)

Are you motivated to lose weight solely to show your ex what they’re missing? Are you trying to make your life look Pintrest-perfect in order to make your ex jealous? Although your actions may be perfectly okay, the underlying motivations will only undermine your actual experience. It’s hard to be in the moment when you’re focused on how you hope your ex will respond to the moment. Do what you want for you, not for them.

Apply Humor Liberally

Almost everything is better in life when we take it a little less seriously. And revenge certainly falls into this category. When you’re flooded with malevolent feelings, take them into the absurd. Make light of them. Finding humor in your malevolent desires not only helps to make you feel better, it also helps to burn through some of that excess energy that revenge tries to capitalize on.

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Be Careful With Communication

Thoughts can only hurt you as much as you let them. But once you put those thoughts out into the world, others can elect to weaponize those ideas against you. Be careful what you speak and to whom. Venting is better expressed in your journal than on Facebook. A little selective silence here will pay dividends when you’re no longer focused on retribution.

Refrain From Judging Your Vindictive Feelings

Ban “should” from your vocabulary. You do feel this way. Start with accepting that. When we fight too hard against something, we only feed it through attention. A desire for revenge doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re sinking down to their level. It simply means you’re human and hurt and angry.

Feelings Don’t Have to Translate Into Action

Accept your feelings, but also refrain from giving them too much power. Just because your urge is to act out, you don’t have to listen. Create barriers and boundaries if you need to that allow time and space between the impulse and your ability to act upon it. Enlist help here, if needed. Sometimes just venting to a trusted ear alleviates much of that desire to act.

Focus on Elevating Yourself Rather Than On Tearing Them Down

Revenge is often motivated by an impulse to be doing better than the one who did you harm. And there are two ways to accomplish this – by tearing them down or by building yourself up. The latter provides better and more lasting results.

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If you want to read more about karma (and have a few good laughs too), click here!

10 Things Your Decision to Stay Single Says About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

1 – You’re Independent

You got this! You don’t need somebody to hold your hand every step along the way. You know your strengths and you know how to use them.

2 – You Know What You Want in Life

You have goals. Ambitions. And you refuse to let anybody or anything get in your way.

3 – You Trust in Your Capabilities

You’ve been through a lot and it’s built up your skill and confidence. You trust in your ability to make it through just about anything.

4 – You’re Not Afraid of Adventure

You take risks, even if they’re calculated ones. You’re not afraid of taking the road less traveled with only yourself as a guide.

5 – You Value Relationships

You don’t believe that marriage is the only relationship in life. You treasure your relationships with friends and family and you’re loyal to those you love.

6 – You Don’t Listen to “Shoulds”

You know that you’re bucking society’s ideas about how to live your life. And you don’t care. You live life on your terms, not somebody else’s.

7 – You’re Honest With Yourself

You’re not afraid to confront your reality and your own strengths and weaknesses. You know that you’re a complete package of one and you’re okay with that.

8 – You’re Courageous

In a society built around couplehood, you’re brave enough to stand alone. You can’t hide behind anybody else, so you get quite good at facing your fears.

9 – You Accept Responsibility For Your Own Happiness

When things are bad, you only have yourself to look at. And to make things better, you only have yourself to turn to. You know that only you can control your well-being.

10 – You Don’t Believe That Love is “One Size Fits All”

You know that love comes into our lives in many guises. Some stay, some flow through leaving only a whisper. You embrace them as they come and release them as they go.

Make sure to also read 10 Things Your Decision to Get Remarried Says About You!

10 Things Your Decision to Get Remarried Says About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
 
Samuel Johnson
1 – You’re Optimistic
You’ve been there, done that. And yet you stubbornly believe that it can go better this time. You don’t allow past experience to poison your hope for the future.
2 – You’re Courageous
You’ve made the decision to put your heart on the line again. You know you’re taking a chance and you believe the risk is worth it.
3 – You Trust Yourself
You have faith not only in your choice of mate, but in your ability to navigate through rocky marital waters. Furthermore, you trust that you’ll be okay no matter what happens.
4 – You Don’t Give In To Failure
You got knocked down, but you got up again. You see failure as an opportunity, not a death sentence.
5 – You Know When to Walk Away
You’ve now seen all sides of a marriage and you have a better grasp on when to try harder and when to walk away. You’re more confident in your choices.
6 – You Refuse to Let One Event Define You
You have been though divorce but you don’t see yourself as the divorce. It was simply one chapter of your life’s path. And one chapter doesn’t limit the next one.
7 – You Believe That You Can Have More Than One Love
You’re not limited by the idea of a single “soulmate.” You believe that life can bring with it more than one true love. And that the second one can be even better than the first.
8 – You’ve (Hopefully) Learned From Experience
You have faced the mistakes you made in your first marriage and you have addressed the issues that you struggle with. You’re now applying this wisdom.
9 – You’re Not Afraid of Hard Work
You know that marriages, especially second marriages, require continuous (and often uncomfortable) effort. And that doesn’t scare you. You’re ready to put your gloves on.
10 – You’re Adaptable and Don’t Fear Change
From single to married to single to married, you’ve made many changes. You’re flexible and willing to adapt in order to have the relationship you want.
Be sure to also read 10 Things Your Decision to Stay Single Says About You!

An Attitude of Gratitude

Posted on by stilllearning2b

After a couple years of doing solo yoga in my office, I just connected with a new-to-me studio that has an “It’s safe to relax here” vibe and instructors that keep you on your toes.

Often literally.

I was able to indulge in a 10:00 class today (thank you school vacation!) and I followed that with a lunch at a new-to-me place across from the studio.

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Can you even with this view???

The combination of the sweat, the view and the sweet potato fries (and, okay, the fact that they replaced hallways filled with screaming teenagers:) ) made me smile.

And say, “Thank you.”

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Share below.

 

If you’re struggling with gratitude, read this.

And if you’re up for a challenge, try this!

How to Be Patient With a Procrastinating Healing Process

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I really thought something was wrong.

Ten weeks after injections had been fed into my misbehaving veins in my calves, I am still dealing with raised and angry lines along the side of my legs. There are hard and twisted ropes just under the skin, like alien marionette cables were inserted into my flesh while I slept.

I had my first doctor’s appointment this morning since the last procedure. And I was nervous. Anxious about the results of the scan.

Convinced that the healing process had gone awry. Or simply wasn’t going at all. Worried that something must be wrong with me and the way my body was recovering from the trauma.

On the one hand, I knew that this was going to be a process. A long-term outcome in a quick-fix life. But still, I reasoned, this reaction of mine had to be over-the-top. A deviation from the norm.

I waited nervously as the ultrasound wand passed from my thigh, whose healing had already been verified by scan and by results, to the painful calf in question.

Ready for judgment.

Ready to hear that I wasn’t progressing as expected.

Ready to learn that I was stuck. Or even worse, somehow moving backwards.

Instead I heard, “Beautiful. Textbook,” from the technician that scans dozens of legs a day.

It was only my lack of experience and perspective that made me fear my healing was somehow abnormal. Off track.

Because that’s the thing about healing. It’s stubborn, operating on its own schedule and its own trajectory. It’s nonlinear, taking side roads and switchbacks instead of the most direst route. It’s slow, always taking longer than we desire or expect. And it’s a procrastinator, putting off the big changes until later.

And the best way to stay patient is to gain perspective through the eyes of those who have seen it many times before.

Who can assure you that you’re okay. That what you’re experiencing is normal. That even though it may not feel like it, you are making forward progress. And that at some point, the process will be behind you.

And then you can help provide that needed perspective for others.

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Funny enough, the leg that has been causing me the most trouble the past several weeks is now “done,” all of the misbehaving veins identified and neutralized. The pain was a sign of healing. While the other leg, largely quiet these past weeks, has been hiding more problems and will require further treatment. I guess it is the silent ones you have to watch out for:)