11 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Sweep it Under the Rug

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the early lessons most of us learn is that not every thought or feeling needs to be spoken. There are certain times when it is better to keep it to yourself or even to try to keep it from yourself (I’m looking at you embarrassing moment in the gym locker room that I’ve tried to forget!).

But there are other times when sweeping it under the rug is a dangerous move. When instead of being harmless dust, the ignored material is caustic, reactive, maybe even explosive and in need of neutralization before it is buried and left for dead.

Are you being honest with yourself?

It starts here. Are you in denial about the situation because you’re too afraid to face it head-on? Are you tempted to sweep it under the rug because you want to pretend it never happened? Trust me on this one, hiding uncomfortable truths from yourself will never lead to anything good.

If you answered “no,” it’s time to get real with yourself. Trust in you that you can handle whatever it is.

Are you attempting to hide the truth from another?

Unless we’re talking about a child, it is never appropriate for you to be the gatekeeper of another’s truth. That doesn’t mean you have to tell everything (oh my goodness, please no!), but it means that it’s not your call to intentionally keep somebody in the dark about information that they have a right to know. At the same time, sometimes it’s not your business. And that can be a difficult call to make.

Are you avoiding the issue in order to keep from facing the consequences?

Every action has consequences. And trying to sidestep the natural cause and effect by denying the cause is immature at best and cowardly or manipulative at worst. You don’t have to open yourself up to undue punishment, but you also have to accept the ramifications of your choices.

This is an especially common reaction to strong emotion. We have a tendency to push it down. Way down. But that doesn’t work. Here’s another approach.

Have you considered the potential repercussions of keeping quiet?

My dear friend that I lived with post-divorce has chosen to be completely (and age-appropriately) honest with her daughter about her adoption and her birth mom. This decision was made partly because of the recognition of the possible fallout that could occur if her daughter only found out about her birth later. Sometimes the potential damage of staying mum is too great to risk.

Is the situation a one-time occurrence?

Is this a one and done, where once swept it will slowly fade away? Or is this part of a repeating pattern, requiring constant attention to keep it under wraps? The first scenario is a better candidate for pushing away. The latter depends upon the size of your rug and your endurance with a broom.

Are you experiencing shame or guilt?

Both of these powerful emotions can lie to us, telling us that it’s better to keep something hidden. They have us believe that if people saw the “real” us, they would no longer love us and we would face rejection. Yet both of these grow in the dark, feeding upon the very energy expended to keep them hidden. If one of these is your primary motivation, you’re better off revealing whatever is causing you distress, even to a neutral third party.

Is is a piece of something larger?

Sometimes it makes sense to sweep one aspect of something under the rug in order to focus on the part that is more important. Other times, this one part can snowball until it’s too bog to manage in its entirety. We can’t see the future and so you may not know for sure, but consider the possibilities in your particular circumstances.

If it is kept hidden, does it have a good chance of (re)surfacing?

Some things can be like playing “Whack-a-Mole” to keep down. And not only is that tiring, but the impact can be harder to manage and steer when it comes up unexpectedly. If it’s something that cannot be subdued, it’s best to address it in a timely manner.

Is it something the other person can change?

If you are sharing something that is bothering you about another person (especially with that person), is it something they can change? If not, maybe it’s best that you keep silent. If instead you choose to give energy to these thoughts (either alone or by verbalizing them), you’re only serving to enhance your own resentment and frustration. As they say in AA, accept those things you cannot change:)

Is it opinion?

Or is it assumption, your brain connecting data points and filling in the gaps? Sometimes it’s better to keep quiet when it’s simply a differing viewpoint (especially when there’s no hope of common ground) or while you gather more information.

I don’t know about you, but I got to practice keeping quiet about differing viewpoints a LOT during this past election!

Will it cause unnecessary pain?

Notice I didn’t ask if it will cause pain. Sometimes this is an unavoidable outcome. But ask yourself if this pain is essential. This also applies to yourself. Mental flogging has shown to have little effect towards making you better.

Here’s what it comes down to…

Are you sweeping this under the rug because you’re trying to hide it? Or are you making a conscious decision to not give this thing any additional attention?

And remember, looking away does not make it go away.

Questions asked. The answers are up to you.

 

 

 

 

A Moment Worth Noting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Pay special attention to that moment when pain transforms into intense feeling.

It’s easy to miss.

We become so accustomed, so habituated, to pain that we often begin to assume that we’re still in pain.

Wincing before the pain is felt.

Labeling the sensation without any analysis of the feeling.

Continuing to favor the sore spot even when it is no longer so sensitive.

Just because the pain was present yesterday, don’t assume that it will be there today. Be open. Curious.

And aware of that moment when the pain is no longer pain and has instead become simply intense feeling.

 

Learning From My Mistakes: How My Second Husband is Different Than My First

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second husband

Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.

Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”

I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.

It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.

There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).

But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.

Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.

Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –

Passionate

As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.

My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.

Alpha

Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant.  Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.

I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.

Helper

Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.

My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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If It Doesn’t Have a Solution, It’s Not a Problem

Posted on by stilllearning2b
doesn't have a solution

If it doesn’t have a solution…

Do you have somebody in your life that approaches every complaint of yours as a problem to be solved? Who bypasses the details and the nuance in favor of making sweeping diagnoses and proposing a strategy to fix the situation?

I know when that happens to me, I get frustrated. Especially when the suggested “solutions” are far off base or overly simplistic and fail to address the realities contained within.

I get frustrated, but I also understand the motivation. None of us likes to see those we care about struggle and we want to be able to help, to take action.

They want there to be a solution, so they choose to see it as a problem.

Sometimes we grapple with this ourselves. We turn over a situation in our minds like a puzzle box, looking for the entry point that will lead to a resolution. Convinced that if we only searched hard enough or tried enough options, we would be able to solve the dilemma.

We grow frustrated as each attempt falls short. Internalizing the failure. Berating ourselves for failing to change another. Or to alter some external situation.

We want to be able to find a solution, so we choose to view it as a problem.

But if there is no solution,

No answer that we can reach,

No change that we can enforce,

It is not a problem to be solved.

It is a truth to accept.

So before you waste your time trying to find a solution, first make sure that it really is a problem.

 

Forced Vulnerability

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We had to have our hardwood floors re-redone earlier this week. No, that’s not one of my typos. There was basically a typo during the first redoing of the floors.

So again, we moved all of the furniture from the first floor (I swear next time I’m the market for furniture, everything will be made of bean bags!). And again, we boarded Tiger and rented a hotel room for the night.

My brain was half on moving stuff and half on ramping up for the first day back at school with a third half (impossible, I know, but that’s what my brain feels like right now) stubbornly trying to stay in vacation mode.

And I screwed up.

I made a special stop for Brock to get some of his essentials. I gathered Tiger’s food to take to the vet. I packed everything I needed for the single-night hotel stay.

With one exception.

My glasses.

I only realized my error when I pulled out my contact case that night. And I panicked. I haven’t been without my glasses at night in well over a decade. And at that point, I could still sort of see.

Now?

Nothing.

I visually inspected the route from the bathroom to the bed, removed my sight and used the wall to get myself to the safety of the bed. At least it felt like a bed.

Where I promptly began to freak out.

Strange environments and sudden blindness are not amicable companions.

“If there’s an emergency, I’m completely dependent upon you,” I told Brock, anxiety bleeding into my words.

He immediately had me navigate the path to the bathroom – and my contacts – several times before he was confident I could do it quickly.

Somewhat relaxed, I felt for my Kindle, closed my left (really bad) eye and tried to read since that is how I fall asleep. My nose kept changing the pages.

Thank goodness for podcasts.

I realized that night that there is a huge difference between choosing to be vulnerable (as I have done with my writing and my now-husband) and forced (and surprise) vulnerability. I much prefer the former.

And I am ever-so-grateful that I was with somebody that I could depend upon completely, even though I hated the feeling of being so helpless.

And maybe most importantly, I have promised myself to never, never forget my glasses again!