How Not to Be Your Own Worst Enemy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my writing first left the relative safety of WordPress for the great untamed wilds of The Huffington Post, I was elated. The first post hit big and I eagerly sat down that afternoon to read through the rapidly appearing comments.

And for every comment that made me feel good about myself or sorry for someone else, there were two that seemed to be personal attacks. Soon, the excitement I felt about being published was replaced with a sense of discomfort and malaise.

Yet I kept reading. For months, I dutifully read every comment, every review. I carefully weighed each criticism as though it was coming from a known and trusted source.I tried to answer each barbed question and address each complaint. I grew increasing anxious and melancholy.

And then finally there was one comment that broke me open. A stranger claimed that my ex was right to do what he did because I was always nagging and we never had sex. When he referenced the children (I have none), I finally realized it – he was talking to his ex wife, not to me.

Yeah, I can be a slow learner.

It finally registered that I was the problem. Not these anonymous internet commenters. But me.

I was acting as my own worst enemy.

It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re sabotaging yourself. Quite often, the initial injury does come from some external source. And then we remain focused on that even while we are ones choosing to keep our hands in the fire.

Set Limits For Yourself

Part of my problem with the early comment-reading is that I was allowed myself to become consumed, perspective lost and obsession triggered. In an act of kindness to myself, I limited my exposure to a few times a month and only on days when my confidence was high.

If you have a certain habit or behavior that is causing you distress yet you’re not willing or able to give it up completely, begin by setting boundaries for yourself. Decide how much is too much and stay well within those limits.

Watch Your Internal Narrative

When you’re acting as your worst enemy, you often verbally abuse yourself –  “I’m not good enough to succeed at this.” “I can’t do that.” “They’re so much better than me.”

Would you talk to another loved one this same way? So then why are you using these words against yourself? Here are some tips on how to edit your personal narrative so that you’re treating yourself more kindly.

Be Alert to Your Fears

Self-sabotage is often achored in fear. We would fail because we chose not to try than fail because we tried and discovered that we were not enough.

It’s okay to admit you’re scared. It’s not okay to allow that fear to control your life. Be aware of those areas where fear is dictating your route and work to regain control of the steering wheel.

Accept Your Locus of Control

Always wanting things to be different is exhausting. Strive to classify struggles in your life as inside or outside your locus of control. If it’s something you cannot change, either let it be or work to alter your response to it. Anything else is simply you beating your head against the wall. And we know how that feels.

Have an Awareness of Your Assumptions

When a friend fails to call you at the regular time, are you the type of person who assumes they were busy or do immediately think that something must be wrong – either with them or even more likely, with you?

If you fall into the second camp (which I think we all occupy at times), pay attention to these stories you tell yourself to fill in the gaps in your knowledge. Are you allowing yourself to get caught up in the details of stories that may not even be true?

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

What are the situations, people or actions that make you feel good? Which are the ones that make you miserable?

Which do you spend more time with?

Your answer may surprise you. When we’re acting as our own worst enemy, we often sadistically subject ourselves to situations that bring more pain than pleasure. And social media has made this even more commonplace.

Be Careful What You Nurture

Your energy is finite. Spend it wisely. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Why Refusing to Admit to a Mistake Can Be the Worst Mistake You Make

Posted on by stilllearning2b
mistake

My proudest teacher moment this year came in the form of a Christmas note from a student –

“You taught us that it’s okay not to be ‘perfect’ and that is how we learn…from our mistakes.”

I used to have a really hard time admitting that I made a mistake. I would endure the repercussions instead of allowing that I made a poor choice and seeking an alternate. I would quietly jump through hoops to mitigate the consequences of my mistake instead of copping to it and asking for assistance.

I saw my mistakes as personal failings and their consequences as natural punishment. Instead of seeing opportunity in mistakes, I saw shame.

And in that environment, small mistakes can become large ones.

When my marriage imploded publicly and spectacularly, I was forced to come to terms with many mistakes of my own making – I chose to marry this man who obviously had some traits that were incompatible with marriage, I was ignorant of the deceptions and financial transactions that were occurring under my own roof and I further made the error of extending blind trust to another.

And for the first time in my life, rather than feeling shame and shutting down from those mistakes, I allowed myself to see opportunity and feel motivated by them.

And you know what? It was okay.

The world didn’t end because I had made a mistake. My loved ones didn’t turn away in abject horror. The lapses in judgement didn’t define me and the only thing they changed was my conviction to learn how to do better the next time.

And instead of fearing mistakes, I started to accept them. Sometimes even welcome them. (A tip of the hat here to my husband who does so well of admitting mistakes without excuse or defensiveness. I’m still learning from him!)

By admitting to a mistake, you take the first step towards fixing it.

By admitting to a mistake, you allow for other solutions and other perspectives.

By admitting to a mistake, you invite others into the search for resolution.

By admitting to a mistake, you set the stage for learning and create opportunity for growth.

By admitting to a mistake, you silence the shame and normalize the experience of not getting it right every time.

By admitting to a mistake, you give yourself the gift of empathy and understanding.

 

We ALL make mistakes. It’s what you do with them that matters.

 

 

 

Take One, Leave One

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If you have some favorite break up resources, here’s an awesome Google doc where you can share your ideas and also learn from others. What a cool idea:)

And while we’re on the subject of advice, here’s a link to a synopsis of the Twitter divorce advice chat from Valentine’s Day. I was honored to be included with the other divorce experts.

The Five Most Important Characteristics For a Successful Marriage (or Remarriage)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
successful marriage

When it comes to looking for a partner, we are not all looking for the same things. Some gravitate towards outward beauty while others are more concerned with what is inside. Some prefer creative types and some fall for the pragmatic. One person’s tall drink of water is another person’s cold shower.

And that’s okay.

Yet even though we are all drawn to different people and attracted by different traits, there are five characteristics that are so critical that we not only should seek them out in others, we should also learn to cultivate them in ourselves and nurture them in our relationships.

These five characteristics form the basis for a successful marriage or remarriage:

Curiosity

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Curiosity replaces judgment with wonder, assumptions with observations. When you’re curious about your partner, you ask before you reach conclusions and you listen to the responses with an open mind. When you’re curious about your world, you take in more and react less. Curiosity keeps you open and flexible, interested and interesting. It replaces the fear of uncertainty with the marvel of “what if?”

Adaptability

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The relationship you have today will not be the same one you have next year. There will be different pressures, some lifted and some replaced. Your perspective will be altered, your mood perhaps as well. And in order for a relationship to navigate these changes, it must be adaptable and flexible. A marriage formed by interconnected moving parts that change and bend to the surrounding terrain instead of insisting upon a fixed rigidity. It’s easy to see responding to change as weak, when really it’s the adaptable who survive.

Responsibility

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In a happy partnership, each person owns their own stuff. They’re not looking for a savior or for somebody to heal their past wounds. They are willing to admit what is theirs to carry and they learn how to shoulder their own load. When challenges come, they respond with rationality and ingenuity instead of blame or defensiveness. And they also don’t rely on their partners for the good times, understanding that their happiness is their own responsibility.

Hilarity

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It’s just life. Nobody makes it out alive, so you may as well enjoy the journey. Seek out a partner that knows how to laugh. That can find the humor in the darkest of places and is able to share that light with others. Humor is an antidote for tedium, a balm for sadness and an extinguisher of frustration. Apply it liberally and often.

Tenacity

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There will be hard days. There will be days that you wonder if it’s worth it. Days when you question your own spouse and your own judgment. Grit is the trait that makes you find a different way, try a little harder, put forth just a bit more effort. Tenacity provides the push when you’re afraid and the fuel when you’re just too tired to take one more step. A successful marriage has staying power not because of its perfection, but because of the persistence of its constituent parts.

And remember, it’s important to be what you want to attract. So before you berate someone for not having these characteristics, look at yourself first.

A successful marriage begins with you.

5 Steps to Surviving Valentine’s Day After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The post-divorce calendar is a potential minefield of emotional artillery, ready to blow at the slightest trigger. Some of these days surprise up with their sudden intensity and hidden significance. While others, like the over-hyped and expectation-laced Valentine’s Day, announce their imminent arrival long before the fact. And that notice gives us time to prepare.

1 – Change Your Mindset

We have been conditioned to believe that when February 14throlls around, it is desirable to be in a relationship and somehow unacceptable to be single.  As though every partnered person will have a good day based solely upon their relationship status and every single person is assured a bad day simply because they’re unaccompanied.

That’s rubbish.

I’ll bet you have had some horrible Valentine’s Days while in a relationship (Can you say “expectations?”) and some wonderful ones without a love interest.

The single most important thing you need to ensure a good Valentine’s Day is not a lover. It’s the decision to have a good day.

2 – Prune Your Newsfeed

Be proactive. If you’re feeling particularly sensitive to the overly saccharine messages being force fed to you by advertisers, strive to avoid them. Use DVR to bypass commercials trying to sell ugly charm bracelets. Use sticky notes to cover the advertisements for chocolate-covered strawberries and pink pajama sets that seem to make themselves permanently at home on the side of your computer screen.

Avoid the seasonal areas of retail stores and act quickly to change the station to avoid radio advertisements. Use Facebook and other social media with care. And for goodness sake, stay out of the floral department at the grocery store. You just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

3 – Summon Some Snark

Tamp down your tears and season your bitterness with some good-natured sarcasm. Try to find the funniest Valentine’s meme over your morning coffee. If you can’t (or decide not to) avoid the advertisements, get a giggle out of how silly (and fleeting) many of them are.

Think of the empty calories in the chocolates, the thorns on the roses and the nickel beneath the gold-plating.

Remember here that your goal is to dampen your pain, not extend it to others. It’s best to keep your snark subtle or to share with others in the same single boat.

4 – Give of Yourself 

Volunteering is often associated with the big holidays, but why not make it a part of your Valentine’s Day? Visit an assisted living facility and while you provide attention, gain perspective by listening to stories of love won and lost throughout lifetimes. Help organize or distribute supplies in a food bank and remember what we really need to get through the day. Bring some old-school Valentine’s cards to the hospital and deliver them with a smile.

If all that is too much for you, consider something more physical and less social or emotional. Help a local park by collecting garbage collected on the trail. Offer to shovel an elderly neighbor’s driveway.

The particular action matters less than the motivation. When we give, it takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that, even though we may be single, we still matter.

5 – Give Yourself a Valentine

You can make it literal if you want, but I’m more concerned about the spirit of the thing. A Valentine’s gift is a tangible sign of love. So give yourself something that makes you feel loved and honored.

Maybe you feel the most alive when you’re alone in the woods. Or surrounded by people at your favorite sports bar. Or when you allow yourself that indulgent purchase.

You know the best part about selecting your own Valentine’s gift? You always get exactly what you want.

So that’s it – decide to have a good day, limit your exposure to messages that bring you down, maintain your sense of humor, give back and show yourself some love.

And if all that fails?

Remember that tomorrow is the 15th!