A Note to My Readers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a surreal day, as I’m sure it’s been for many of you.

Instead of the planned professional development I was supposed to present, I spent the morning packing up my classroom, preparing online lessons and messaging students about classes for the upcoming week. It felt like preparing for summer break but without the excitement.

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. I’ve been doing my normal Saturday trips, so the pantry was pretty empty.

Of course, so were the store shelves.

It was busy, but not chaotic. A young mom stopped me in the parking lot as I was returning my cart.

“Excuse me. How is it in there?” she asked, looking concerned. “Am I safe bringing in my kids?”

My heart broke. How sad that she worried for her kids’ safety in her own neighborhood.

But I get it.

It’s a surreal day.

My heart broke once again when I glanced at my blog stats and saw, that even while the world goes into a virus-enforced hibernation, people were still turning to Google with their pleas about unwanted divorce, narcissistic exes and experiencing loneliness after divorce.

But of course they are.

Because that’s the most surreal thing about crises – whether they be personal or global – life doesn’t wait.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting over the next couple weeks. I should have more time, but I’m not sure I’ll have the right headspace.

Meanwhile, please know I’m thinking of those of you navigating a divorce and this at the same time. I’m with those of you who are alone and missing your former partner now more than ever. My heart goes out to those of you forced to be in the same space with a partner that has been recently discovered to be unfaithful or is being cruel or distant.

It’s hard when crises overlap. You often don’t have bandwidth for both and right now, you may find that others are too overwhelmed with their own stuff to make space for you.

But you’re not alone.

There are wonderful and supportive and welcoming online communities that build each other up every day. Now more than ever is a great time to find your online tribe.

 

I hope that your family stays safe, your children don’t drive you too crazy and your toilet-paper holders remain full.

 

 

It’s a surreal day.

But it’s only a day.

Tomorrow is a new one.

 

Thoughts From the Edge of a Pandemic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s a strange time right now, isn’t it? The entire globe is facing an imminent threat, the first since technology has us so connected and plugged in all the time. It’s a pressure cooker for human behavior, amplifying our usual responses and coping mechanisms.

As of this moment, we don’t know what is overreaction and what is blind complacency. All we can do is try to sort out the valid information from the noise and make the best decisions we can from what we know.

It’s evident that we need to strive to understand this virus, its treatment and its prevention. Yet also critical is that we make an effort to understand the reactions within ourselves and within those around us. Because no matter what the next few months bring, we need to work together and not allow this to further divide us.

 

Fear Manifests in a Multitude of Ways

Right now, you have two opposing camps – those that are voicing their fears and those that are ridiculing the people that are expressing fear. Yet the truth? Both groups – and those in between that are staying silent – are experiencing some anxiety.

Fear can often express itself in some unexpected ways – covering from anger to humor to distraction. It’s easy to miss the signs in others or even in ourselves. Learn more about how fear manifests: 15 Ways Fear Hides in Plain Sight.

 

We Have a Need for Action

It’s easy to laugh at the people who have been stockpiling toilet paper. Yet I understand the urge. When we feel out of control, we have a drive to do something – anything – to try to mitigate the outcome. So, yes, filling your home with endless rolls of tissue is a nonsensical response to a respiratory virus, yet it is a tangible action that people feel like they can undertake. It’s not unlike the midwives of old ordering the men to bring hot towels. Purpose and action help to temper panic. Learn more: On the Need For Action

 

Denial is a Protective Stance

It can be frustrating when people refuse to admit what seems obvious to others. Yet to them, that denial is what is keeping them safe. It’s confirmation bias in action; we actively discard information that doesn’t match our beliefs while seeking out points of view that conform that we are correct. And confirmation bias is extremely resistant to change. Learn more: Jumping to Conclusions.

 

All Loss Brings Grief

At this point, the actual number of deaths in low from a global standpoint. Most of us are still untouched by the actual illness. Yet we are all grieving. Trips have been canceled or postponed indefinitely. Sporting events shuttered. Planned gatherings dissolved. School events removed from the calendar.

Yes, in the scheme of things, these things are minor. Yet, every loss brings grief as expectations are dashed and a new reality is accepted. And just like with everything, people respond to grief in myriad ways.

 

Shame is Used as Self-Protection

From racist remarks and actions towards the Chinese to memes implying that those who become ill are filthy and don’t have basic hygiene mastered, there is quite a bit of “us” vs “them” going around. Where whatever commonality that the “them” group shares is absent in the “us” group, thus providing a sense of invincibility. We want to believe that we have control and sometimes this is used as an excuse to hurt others.

 

When Stressed, We Think in Absolutes

Our stressed brains are not our best brains. The ability to reason and consider multiple perspectives is reduced and we have a tendency to revert to all-or-none thinking. This makes dialog more challenging, as it feels more like a battle for the “win” than an exchange of ideas.

 

A Plea For Patience

By all accounts, we’re in for a challenging few months, regardless of the trajectory of the virus. Lives have been upended (at least in the short run), financial futures are uncertain, and emotions are running high. Now more than ever, be kind to one another. Seek to understand the motivation behind the words or actions that seem out-of-place. Consider that people can have different approaches to the same problem and different responses to the same situations.

Remember that we’re all in this together.

I Want to Know How It Ends

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My first marriage was in December 1999, the apex of the collective anxiety around Y2K. At the time, my fiance and I operated from a place of optimism, rationality and faith. Despite the warnings and fears that we were constantly being bombarded with, we decided to move forward with the assumption that everything would work out.

And it did. Well, at least the transition into the new century worked out. (The marriage was something else entirely, but I don’t think I can blame Y2K for that one.) All of that anxiety and fear building up to the new year grew as flat as the leftover champagne while the sun rose on January 1.

Staying calm and present during times of uncertainty is hard. By nature, we are uncomfortable with the unknown. Yet life is not a book, where we can peek at the final chapter before we dig into the narrative. Our lives offer up no synopsis prior to living so that we can prepare ourselves for what is to come.

It’s easy to get swept up in the anxiety of the unknown, to put life on hold while waiting for the conclusion to be revealed and for life to return to normal.

Yet even the idea of an “end” is a falsehood. Consider the current arrangement of the continents. We know they used to exist in one solid mass (Pangea), that has since broken apart and drifted into the familiar patterns we were quizzed on in school. Yet the drifting is not over, the formations are not set. Just because most of the changes are too slow to be perceptible within a human lifespan, does not mean that change is not occurring.

We want to know how it ends so that we can be reassured that we’re making the right decisions. We want to know how it ends so that we can be prepared. We want to know how it ends so that we can adjust our expectations accordingly.

We want to see the end of the bridge, tethered securely to a welcoming shore, before we take the first step.

Yet standing still does not keep the unknown at bay. It simply restricts our lives as the future unfolds. We can’t see the end. We can’t change the end. But we can make the decision not to live in fear of the end.

I have a five-year spiral journal. My entry earlier this week included, “I wonder what we think about the coronavirus one year from today?” And I don’t know what entry might be recorded on that same page next year. The previous entry might remind me of a forgotten fear, the virus and the associated panic a distant memory. Or, life may have changed dramatically to the point of becoming unrecognizable. Most likely, the entry will fall somewhere in between. But in the meantime, I have 364 more entires to record. And I’m going to take them one day at a time.

Because we may never know how it ends, but we can be present while we get there.

I Don’t Know How You Do It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When people hear about my story of tsunami divorce and contrast the sudden trauma with where I am now, I often hear the response, “I don’t know how you did it.” And sometimes when I reflect back on those early days, I feel the same way.

But I also have a different perspective now, coming from over a decade of hearing other people’s divorce stories. Mine may have made a good story, but it many ways, it made for an easy recovery – a sudden and absolute ending, easy to achieve “no contact,” no children and an affair partner that was another victim instead of an additional person that betrayed me.

The more stories I hear from all of you, the more in awe I am of the strength you have in persevering despite seemingly impossible circumstances.

 

Those of you wrestling with the difficult and multi-faceted decision to end a marriage, I don’t know how you do it.

In some cases, the decision to end a marriage is clear-cut. There’s abuse, abandonment, prolonged and untreated addictions and one partner is unwilling to put in the effort to make a change.

But many marriages exist in a more nebulous realm, where it’s not terrible, but it’s also not good. And that’s a hard place to be – a place filled with so much unhappiness but also so much doubt. And many of you are in that place or have come through there, wondering what decision is best for your family and questioning yourself even as you initiate the dreaded conversations.

I’m in awe of you. It takes courage to make a change, to be willing to jettison the known okay in pursuit of the better. It’s easy to allow a fear of being alone keep you where you are; it takes some serious backbone to see your worth and decide that you would rather have nobody than settle for the wrong one.

 

Those of you staying strong and raising children through your own heartbreak, I don’t know how you do it.

In many ways, I reverted back to a child after my divorce. I counted on people to remind me to eat. I struggled to make any decisions, much less responsible ones. And I had a toddler’s ability to control my emotional state (i.e. none). But I COULD do that. The only other creature dependent upon me at that time was a cat, and I was able to manage buying kibble and dispensing it at regular intervals.

Yet for those of you with kids, you don’t have the freedom to fall apart. You have to find a way to pretend to be entertained by a discussion of the latest Disney characters when all you want to do is cry and curse the world. You have to hold your tongue because even if they’re the worst ex on earth, they are still your children’s other parent.

And that’s not even the hardest part.

I love the quote about having a child is like your heart walking around outside your body. Yet now, that heart – that you feel such an immense need to protect – is breaking. And you have to watch, knowing that although you can be there for them, you cannot keep them from the pain.

I am in awe of you. How you get up every morning determined to stay motivated and positive. How you set your own feelings aside for the benefit of your kids. And you sacrifice your own needs in order to create a better future for your children.

 

Those of you making the decision to stay with an unfaithful spouse in an attempt to repair the marriage, I don’t know how you do it.

Infidelity is such a thorny topic. It’s more common than we like to admit and those that commit it do all fall into the category of unforgivable and unredeemable. And for some of you, you and your unfaithful partner view the infidelity as a turning point, an opportunity to address what led up to it and to learn how to do better going forward.

Yet even when that decision is made to try to make it work and even when your partner accepts full responsibility and is doing all the right things, it’s hard. You have to be vulnerable with the same person that took advantage of your vulnerability. You have to learn to trust the same person that broke your trust. And then from outside the home, you face judgment from those that deem the ones who choose to stay as weak. Even though the reality is that it takes great strength and courage to stay and face this.

I am in awe of you. It’s easy to dismiss people who make egregious mistakes, to stay in a place of anger and outrage and victimhood. It takes true grace and character to see beyond somebody’s actions – and the hurt you’re still feeling – and be willing to give them a chance to make a change.

Those of you who have to see – or even have a working relationship with – the affair partner, I don’t know how you do it.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of my husband’s other wife. I felt a strange sort of gutted as I scanned this image of a strange woman who had been intimate with my husband while I was kept in the dark. She was unknown to me, yet still played such a major role in my life. And I was lucky  –  she had no connections to my life and I would likely not have to any unwanted with her.

Many of you are not so lucky. The affair partner is a neighbor, a coworker, a friend (or former friend) or even a family member. You are forced to interact with them or even coparent with them. Every time you leave the house, you have a little tinge of apprehension, knowing that you could bump into them at any time. Or, you dread upcoming events because you know you’ll be trust into the same room as them.

I am in awe of you. You continually resist the temptation to hide away behind closed doors or curse the affair partner when you see them. You find a way to separate your feelings about what happened from your interactions with this person now with the goal of keeping the peace. And you establish boundaries that keep you safe but that also acknowledge their existence in your life.

 

I am in awe of you, you badass survivors. You amaze me every day!

When Your Head Knows… But Your Heart Doesn’t

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you staying with the status quo because it is right… or because it is comfortable? Change is hard and so we often try to talk ourselves out of it, even when we know it’s the right thing to do.