Trying to Think in a Time of Stress

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wrote a blog post over the weekend. Then, after it was published, I went back and reread it. And I noticed something startling. In half a dozen cases, I left out whole words. Not typos. Not the wrong word. Or even a missing letter. Simply no word at all.

And that’s not the all of it.

I’ve spent the last three months teaching myself to code. I’m at the point where I have a reasonable grasp on the basics and now need to put the isolated skills together in longer – and more difficult – projects.

And I just can’t do it.

The languages, which were starting to feel familiar, are now just swirling letters and punctuation on the screen.

I’ve had to take a step back and work on more bite-sized challenges, which luckily my brain seems able to digest. It’s pretty much the equivalent of baby rice cereal for the brain.

It’s been awhile since my brain has felt like this. Ten years to be exact.

My ex left in July 2009. We started school a couple weeks later.

It had been years since I had felt the need to work out problems ahead of time before giving them to the class. So it caught me off guard when I was trying to explain how to decode a word problem at the board and I got stuck.

My brain simply couldn’t handle a multi-step problem. There was limited retention. No attention span. Instead of problem-solving, my brain was simply returning the cognitive equivalent of the “spinning wheel of death.”

For the better part of a year, I had to make accommodations. I made notes to take to the board with me during lessons. Answer keys were prepared well in advance. I went back and re-taught myself things that I had known but was struggling to apply. Instead of reading my normal books, I gravitated towards young adult fiction with its easier-to-understand writing.

I was worried, afraid that this cognitive decline would be permanent.

But it wasn’t. In time, it returned to its original level.

And so I’m currently holding onto hope that the world – and my brain – will return to sanity again.

 

All over Twitter this week, I’ve seen people timidly admit that they’re struggling to focus. To think. To problem-solve.

They’re worried. That their reaction is abnormal. That they may never be able to think again. That something is wrong with them.

There’s nothing wrong with struggling to think while your brain is busy attending to other (and often scary) things.

Here’s a way to think about it. For the sake of argument, pretend that you’re a skilled knitter. In fact, you can normally knit a scarf automatically and you don’t struggle to follow a complex new pattern.

But now is not a normal time.

Because now, at least as far as your brain is concerned, you’re treading water in an attempt to stay afloat. And knitting has suddenly become a whole lot more difficult.

So if you’re struggling to think right now, know that you are having a perfectly normal response to an abnormal situation.

 

While you’re waiting for your stress to decline and your cognitive to ramp back up, here are a few tips:

 

  • Adjust your expectations. Don’t base them on what you can “normally” do. Remember, your brain is treading water right now.
  • Your attention span is shorter. Schedule breaks.
  • Chunk information into smaller pieces.
  • Provide support for your lack of retention. Get used to writing more things down than you had to before.
  • Give yourself opportunities to feel successful. Otherwise, frustration can easily get the best of you.
  • Intentionally reteach yourself things. It may feel silly to go back to 101 when you’re a professor in it, but that sequential feeding of information will help your brain learn how to function again.
  • Pay attention to the basics – sleeping, nutrition, exercise. They’re important.
  • And finally, be patient. You can’t force this.

 

You’re not broken.

You’re human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Is the Hard Work of Relationships TOO Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are two seemingly conflicting schools of thought –

A relationship requires hard work. You can’t just give up on someone because it requires effort.

and

A relationship is only hard if it’s with the wrong person. A good relationship shouldn’t take that much effort.

Yet, as with many pat pieces of advice, both contain elements of truth yet fail to address the very real complexity of the situation. A relationship can require no work and be unhealthy (I provide my first marriage as evidence) and there are also certainly times that one or both people in a relationship keep trying harder when perhaps the best solution is to walk away.

So what is “normal” when it comes to hard work within a relationship? And what are the signs that perhaps all of this hard work is wasted energy trying to fix something that contains a major structural flaw?

 

Periods of Ebb and Flow

Normal: There are days, weeks or months when you feel especially close with your partner and times when you feel a little more disconnected. Sometimes, you can identify a root cause – external stressors, illness, distraction – and sometimes it just comes on for no apparent reason. Maybe you talk about this distance or maybe you just ride it out until one or both of you reach out to reestablish the intimacy. There isn’t too much emotion tied up in these phases since there is mutual trust in the strength of the relationship and the transient nature of the ebb.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Instead of gentle ebbs and flows, it feels more like the extreme highs and lows of a roller coaster. When it’s good, it’s great and when it’s bad, it’s awful. With each up, you feel elated. Unstoppable. While each down crushes your spirit and the fear and negativity sparked by the potential end of the relationship spread throughout your life. Your relationship status dictates the quality of your day.

During the up times, you’re balancing hope for a better future and fear that another downturn is around the corner. When the relationship is going through another rough patch, you’re both making promises to yourself that things will be different while simultaneously falling back into the same patterns as before.

 

Unequal Efforts

Normal: You feel irritated or frustrated that your partner never seems to do their share of the housework. You bring it up and there is an improvement, at least in the short term. During periods of additional workload or illness, one person picks up the slack, both people simply doing what needs to be done.

Even with these surface disturbances, there is an understanding that you are a team. That you both are working together towards a common vision. You may not always agree on the path, but you both believe in the destination and put in the effort to get there.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: From the thousands of people I’ve talked with as well as my own experiences, I think this is the ultimate dealbreaker. When your partner isn’t willing to work – to listen, to adapt, to attend counseling, to try something different, to address their own issues – there is only so much you can do.

From Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

If you’re the only one working, there’s only so much you can do.

 

Disagreements

Normal: “How could you be so ignorant?” you think as you hear your partner defend a point. Some arguments are minor, often carried in on the heels of a difficult day. Others are over more major things and these either move towards resolution in time (and this may take years) or become differing points of view to simply accept and live with. There may even be repeated friction over the same recurring issues and fights that follow familiar patterns without seeming to fo anywhere in particular.

During arguments, some harsh words may be spoken. Feelings may be hurt. One or both people may not always respond in the best way and things may get quite heated. But there are known boundaries that are not crossed, whether that is to refrain from physical confrontation or avoid using certain words. And when cooler heads prevail, apologies are offered, responsibility is taken and, most importantly, connection and commonalities are reestablished.

Wondering how to improve conflict in your relationship? Learn more here. 

Maybe it’s Too Hard: The fights come fast and furious. One or both of you are always walking on eggshells, uncertain what might spark anger in the other. During the arguments, boundaries are repeatedly crossed as brutal words or even fists rain down. Gottman’s four horsemen: contempt, stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness make a frequent showing at these arguments, ensuring that a productive conversation cannot occur.

The arguments never seem to come to any resolution. Promises are made yet somehow you always seem to end up in the same place. It’s as though you’re trying to coauthor a book only you speak two very different languages.

The disagreements are frequent. Instead of being the raisins sprinkled periodically throughout your relationship, they are the cookie itself. In fact, you often wonder if it wasn’t for the fights, if you would have anything holding you together at all.

 

Disliking Things About Your Partner

Normal: You can’t stand your partner’s taste in clothes. Or their new haircut. Maybe the way they brush their teeth sets yours on edge. All of that is totally normal. It’s impossible to spend an extended amount of time with someone and not become annoyed with certain traits and since we’re not all clones, there will always be things about another that you don’t like.

Yet underneath that dislike is love and maybe even some lighthearted humor about the things you find objectionable. You are able to separate the person you love from the particular trait that you don’t.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Dislike has turned into disgust. Something about them actively turns your stomach. Or, there is something about them that you find so objectionable that you carefully tuck it away and try to forget about it.

Maybe you’re embarrassed of them, hesitant to bring them around your friends and family, fearing their reaction. On some level, you don’t think they’re quite up to your level.

And bigger than that is when you find that you’re beginning to dislike yourself. Are there patterns in the relationship that bring out the worst in you? Or are they being emotionally abusive and their words have become your own?

 

Questioning Your Decision to Be Together

Normal: Sometimes you wonder what your life would be like if you were single. Or with somebody else. It’s not a pressing desire, more a curious daydream that occasionally drifts through your mind. This may be prompted by a passing attraction to another person or from observing somebody else’s life and wondering what it’s like in their shoes.

Other times, this question is more pressing when the relationship is going through a particularly difficult period. You wonder if you made the right choice, your current pain manifesting as confusion. Yet this feeling doesn’t persist as you’re reminded again why this is a person that you want as your teammate in the game of life.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: More days than not, you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. You find yourself continually weighing out the pros and cons. Maybe you ask for the input of others because you feel like you can’t trust your own instincts.

Are you scared to leave and only staying because it’s what you know or because of the time and energy invested? Are your goals in life incompatible with the relationship and you either leave your partner or leave yourself?

 

Time Spent Apart

Normal: You look forward to the business trip so that you can have time to yourself at the house. You enjoy solo travel or a dinner with your friends. It’s healthy for couples to spend time apart from each other and this is supported and encouraged.

When apart, there are certain expectations around boundaries and communication. As long as those are met, there is not undue anxiety or jealousy about the other’s whereabouts or actions.

Maybe It’s Too Hard: You count down the minutes until your partner leaves for the day and you dread the moment they come back through the door. Or, when they’re away, you’re constantly wondering if they’re cheating and so you find yourself anxious and questioning. Or maybe it’s your partner that is controlling and leaves you feeling guilty for every moment you take for yourself.

 

Final Thoughts

I like to tell my students that anything worthwhile takes effort. And when that comes to relationships, I certainly believe that to be true.

From Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow.

Yet sometimes that relationship has become a black hole and that energy may be better spent in a new direction. And only you can can decide if the work is going towards growth or the work is taking energy away from your growth. Only you will know if it’s time to try harder or it’s time to walk away.

Wondering if you should divorce? Here are 12 questions to ask yourself.

Wondering why you’re not seeing the results you expected? Here are some common reasons. 

Wondering if you tried hard enough to save your marriage? Hint: If you’re even asking this, it’s a sign you put in the effort. Here’s more to think about. 

 

 

 

10 Ways to Survive at Work When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just push a pause button on life while we’re trying to get it together during divorce? Unfortunately, such a button has yet to be invented. And so we are stuck trying to keep up with our responsibilities at work while our emotions and personal lives are pulling us down.

And it’s not easy.

Here are 10 easy things you can do to help make it a little less tough that don’t require calling in sick for the next year:)

10 Ways to Survive at Work When You’re Divorcing

 

Life doesn’t stop when your marriage does. Here are some ideas on how to hold it together at work while your life is falling apart –

 

1 – Appoint a Point Person

 

Depending upon your nature and the culture of your workplace, you may decide to be open and transparent about your current situation or you may decide to keep it under wraps. Regardless of your position, I encourage you to confide in at least one person at work. Choose wisely – you’re looking for somebody who will be supportive rather than a busybody and will be understanding and helpful even if only provided with the barest of details.

Divorce can be very isolating and when you spend the majority of your day around people who don’t know about your situation, it can feel as though you’re in quarantine. Having a point person at work gives you a release valve. A friendly face and an encouraging word go a long way when you feel completely discouraged.

 

2 – Find a Safe Place

 

No matter how accepting your workplace is, you probably want to try to avoid tears at your desk or screams of profanity over the phone in the break room. Take a moment to scout out a safe place, a secluded spot inside or outside your work where you can retreat when you need a moment to get yourself together.

 

3 – Develop an Elevator Speech

 

Even if you decide not to reveal the unraveling of your marriage, people will notice that something is different. And being questioned when you’re raw can strip away any semblance of sanity and togetherness you are projecting.

So write your elevator speech, a canned and brief response that can be uttered in response to any probing questions. One that I often used – “I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.” Once you write your speech, practice it until you can say it without emotion.

 

4 – Clear Your Head

 

Institute an emotional purging ritual that you engage in before you begin your work day. I used a timer set for 8 minutes and a journal where I would write out all of the negativity and fears that arose during the night.

Follow your purge with a few moments of mindfulness. This can be as simple as ten deep breaths with intention and focus. This combination of release and awareness will help to keep your emotions in check throughout the work day.

 

5 – Block Messages

 

Divorce has a way of being intrusive. And whether it’s a call from your lawyer about another needed document or a text from your ex about custody, those messages can completely derail your work day. Most of these messages demand attention, but are not emergencies. So block them for the duration or part of your work day and set aside time each day to read, listen and respond to divorce-related news. Just by attending to the information on your own schedule will go a long way to making you feel in control of your emotions.

6 – Get Up and Move

A still body fosters a restless mind. If your job is mainly sedentary or keeps you in one primary location, make an effort to take movement breaks. If you can, strive to move with enough energy to elevate your heart rate, as the corresponding release of neurotransmitters will help to calm your mind and reset your mental state for work.

 

7 – Schedule Strategically

 

Some bad days seem to come out of nowhere. But others can be anticipated. If you have an upcoming day that you suspect will be rough – a court appearance, an anniversary, a birthday – use your schedule strategically. Need a day off work? Maybe it’s a good time for a doctor’s appointment. Need something to look forward to after a bum day? Schedule a vacation. Also, if you have control over your workload, you can intentionally ramp it up as a distraction or lighten the load if you need a break.

 

8 – Find a Centering Focus

 

Place something in your workspace that acts as a center, a prompt to take a deep breath. A sign that it will eventually be okay. A reminder of what is really important. It can be a picture, a quote or even an object. Think of it as your mascot or slogan for your new life.

 

9 – Stock Up on Sticky Notes

 

Your brain won’t work right for a period of time. It’s suffering from a TLI (Traumatic Life Injury) and it’s processing and memory capabilities will be reduced. I used to make fun of my mom for her abundance of sticky notes. And then I went through divorce and papered my own surroundings!

Don’t try to keep everything in your working memory; devise and implement some sort of note-taking strategy. Think of it as an external hard drive for your overtaxed brain.

 

10 – Get Into the Flow

 

Work can be a blessing during divorce. Allow yourself to become immersed in your responsibilities. Seek to enter a state of flow, where the outside world fades away and time seems to suspend. Let your work remind you of your strengths and your value.

Above all, be kind to yourself during this time. You’re facing some major changes and it’s only natural that the impact will bleed into your work. And the more you learn to accept and work with the reverberations, the less they will rattle you.

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Communicating your boundaries can be difficult, especially when it is an important relationship to you. Maintaining those boundaries when they’re challenged or when the consequences become distressing is even harder. The following strategies will help you  set and maintain boundaries within your relationships at home, at work and in the world at large:

Learn What is Important to You

If you try to set boundaries about everything from the words people say around you to the gifts that you’ll receive, you’ll come off as high-maintenance at best and a complete and total ass at worst. Boundaries are powerful and work best when they are applied judiciously.

These are some examples of appropriate boundaries. Choose and/or adapt the ones that resonate with you.

  • I will not tolerate being hit, shoved or slapped.
  • It is not okay for you to call me names.
  • I will not allow you to tell me how I can spend my personal time or money.
  • My spiritual beliefs are my domain and I will not accept your input on these.
  • I will not permit you to make comments about my weight or appearance unless I ask for input.
  • It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel.
  • I am not able to help you at this time.
  • At work, I will not drop everything for an emergency that is a result of somebody else not doing their part.
  • With friends and family, I will not tolerate comments about a decision that has been made.

Make the distinction between the hard line of a boundary and an unwillingness to discuss a situation. Take finances within a marriage, for example. It is completely appropriate and necessary for the couple to discuss an overall financial strategy and to continue to hold discussions around money when the situation changes. A boundary that states that money is not allowed to be discussed is not appropriate. An acceptable boundary would be that a spouse cannot tell their partner how to spend money that has already been agreed upon as a personal account.

Consider your personal beliefs and core values. Your most important boundaries should protect what makes you, you.

Become Aware of Signs That Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed

We’re often not very good at recognizing these signs, especially within high-value relationships. Here are some signs to look for.

It can be easy to believe that a “good” spouse/friend/child/sibling/employee simply keeps the peace and allows others to do as they want. But your inaction is still action and there are consequences. A healthy relationship has boundaries on both sides – lines that delineate another’s sphere of influence from your own.

Practice Communicating Your Boundaries

When choosing your words, remember that your boundaries are about you; they are not an attack or criticism of another person. Keep your statement simple and refrain from inserting emotion. If you’re currently in a more energetic state, wait until you are calm before communicating your limits.

Be ready to repeat your statement. Especially if this is new for you, it may be dismissed the first (or second, or third…) time. At school with my students, I become more and more like broken record (does that metaphor even work any more???) the more emotional the kids become. It feels strange in the moment, but it’s very effective at bypassing power struggles.

Start Small and Build as You Become More Comfortable

If you’re not used to speaking up and stating your limits, it can be easiest to begin in a low-stakes situation, where you have less to lose. One area that often gives (too many) opportunities is in customer service.

Was your food cold? Let the waiter know and calmly state your expectation that the food is not acceptable. Did the front desk blow you off? Be assertive and let the office manager know what you need going forward.

If you tend to avoid confrontation, boundary-setting is scary because of the (often imagined and catastrophized consequences). It’s going to feel strange and scary at first. However, once you see that people generally respond positively to knowing where exactly the line is, you’ll become more comfortable.

Ensure That You Follow Through

A boundary that is ignored as soon as it becomes too much work to enforce is even worse than a boundary never erected. If it’s worth the energy to create the parameters, it’s worth the effort needed to maintain it.

You will be challenged. It’s human nature. We all want to see what we can get away with, and some do this more than others. Be strong and confident. Stand up for yourself.

Decide What to Do About Repeat Offenders

If someone refuses to adhere to your boundaries, you may have to walk away. When your workplace repeated steamrolls you, it may be time to seek new employment. If your friend continually asks for help and doesn’t step up for themselves, you may need to cut them loose.

Are you willing to do this?

It’s a hard question, especially when we value the relationship. Be aware that staying with the status quo may also have a high price to pay. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

10 Ways to Survive at Work When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just push a pause button on life while we’re trying to get it together during divorce? Unfortunately, such a button has yet to be invented. And so we are stuck trying to keep up with our responsibilities at work while our emotions and personal lives are pulling us down.

And it’s not easy.

Here are 10 easy things you can do to help make it a little less tough that don’t require calling in sick for the next year:)