Don’t Forget to Plan Your Marriage (While You’re Busy Planning Your Wedding)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I visited my local Starbucks the other day to enjoy some coffee and free Wi-Fi. I was engaged in relatively mindless grading, so I let my ears wander to the conversations around me. One in particular caught my attention, as it pertained to the seemingly endless numbers of my former students getting married. There was a large group at the table across from me — a young engaged couple, parents, wedding planners (yes, plural) and a priest. The plans they were making were as detailed and complex as those made for a presidential inauguration.

We hear so much about wedding planning. There are entire industries built around helping the couple carry out their “perfect day.” It’s easy to get carried away in the romance and the idea that a single ceremony represents the entirety of a relationship. It’s easy to confuse the ability to control the details of a day with the potential for controlling an entire life. It may be easy, but like the eyes of the audience at a magic show, it is attention focused in the wrong direction. Wedding days should be special; it is a time to celebrate your bond and make a public declaration of your relationship. However, don’t be so busy planning your wedding that you neglect to plan your marriage. Here are a few things to keep in mind for your Big Day, and the days (and years) after you say “I do.”

 

Compromise
Weddings begin with compromise. Perhaps she wants to elope and he wants a large, family-filled church ceremony. Hopefully, a middle ground is agreed upon where each partner feels listened to and has his or her critical needs met. Compromise only beginswith the wedding day. As two lives become entwined, differing views and priorities are inevitable. Make sure you know how to navigate these differences in a balanced way.

 

Influence
Have you ever been to a wedding where you couldn’t tell if it was a day for the bride or the bride’s mom? Just as your wedding is your day and should be created in your image, your marriage is yours and yours alone. By all means, listen to the advice of those around you but remember that you make the ultimate decision of what your relationship will look like.

 

Children

Will children be welcomed at the ceremony or even given a featured role or instead will the invitations politely implore the attendees to leave their offspring at home? I’m always amazed to discover the number of couples that don’t discuss the desired role of children in their lives after marriage. Some, who see children as a natural progression from marriage, simply assume that their future spouse feels the same. Others have the discussion but fail to consider the repercussions if one partner later changes their mind or biology conspires against them. These are important – if difficult – conversations to have.

 

Religion

Apart from those betrothed couples that met at church, there will almost certainly be some differences in childhood or adult religious beliefs and practices. Since marriage vows have historically been performed within a religious framework, the wedding provides a wonderful opportunity to discuss the role and significance that religion will take for the couple. This conversation needs to extend beyond the wedding day. It’s even more important that the couple agrees on where every Sunday morning will be spent than on who will lead the service on the day the marriage begins.

 

Invitations
Most people are very deliberate about the friends they invite to be a part of their wedding. They want to surround themselves with others who will be supportive, realistic, and share in their joy. Be just as deliberate in choosing the friends that surround your marriage. We are influenced by those we spend our time with; choose wisely.

 

Beauty
Much time and money is put into creating the décor and ambiance of a wedding day. Just because the day is over and the budget is back to reality does not mean that you have to forgo beauty. Find ways to incorporate items that make you smile into your daily life. Any table is brightened by even the simplest centerpiece.

 

Words
The focus of a wedding is on the words spoken between the spouses-to-be — the promises and declarations to love, honor, and cherish. Even after the walk down the aisle, words, whether spoken or written, are still an important part of a marriage. Never assume that your spouse knows how you feel and never underestimate the power of a positive word or two. The best part? When you say how much you love or appreciate your partner, it fuels those positive feelings in you as well.

 

Balance
Many wedding traditions have a deliberate balance between the time spent as a couple and the time spent apart. Even when you married, it is important to spend time away from your partner, either alone or with other friends or family. Make sure you have discussed your needs and expectations for your balance of time; it’s important to reach an agreement between the two of you so that no one feels smothered and no one feels abandoned.

 

Tradition
Some of the meaning in a wedding comes from tradition — elements handed down through generations that create a sense of unity and belonging. Just because the ceremony has ended does not mean that there is not room for traditions in your marriage. Look to your families of origin for rituals that you can implement in your new union or seek to create your own traditions. These conventions will serve to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and give you a foundation upon which to build lasting memories.

 

Money
It is the rare couple who marries without a budget. Just because the presents are unwrapped and put away and you have begun to get used to married life does not mean that the budget goes out the window. Make sure you and your new spouse continue to talk about money. Agree on common financial goals. Separate needs from wants. Don’t let nickels and dimes create a wall between you and your betrothed.

 

Publicity
A wedding is a public vow, whether it be made in a private ceremony or in front of thousands, it is still declaring your commitment to the world. After the wedding, life settles down and it’s easy to confine your marriage to your private life. Or, even worse, expose your frustrations with your spouse but keep mum about the joys. Even after the wedding, make a habit of speaking positively about your spouse and your marriage. Sharing this commitment publicly helps to keep it alive.

 

Fun
The best weddings are fun. They have a sense of levity and humor. Any mishaps are laughed about and the challenges are kept in perspective. That’s pretty good advice for a marriage, as well. Not every day will be a party but you can strive to find humor and laughter in every situation. Find ways to bring excitement and fun into your marriage. The associated smiles are priceless.

I’m sure that the couple I overheard at Starbucks will have a lovely wedding (and I am SO glad that I’m not footing the bill!). I just hope they have planned as thoroughly to have a lovely marriage.

How to Survive Attending Your First Wedding After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
wedding after divorce

How to survive attending your first wedding after divorce –

 

You can only avoid them for so long.

At some point, your excuses of, “I have to shampoo my cat” will wear thin or you’ll be confronted with the nuptials of a person you can’t refuse.

And you’ll be faced with attending the first wedding after the demise of your own marriage.

Blech.

Okay, not really. I mean, you feel happy for the couple and all. It’s just that you also feel sorry for yourself. Sorry and a little ill.

How in world are you supposed to attend this bridal bash without choking on a big glass of bitterness and jealousy spiked with a pinch of cynicism?

It’s not easy. But it’s also not impossible. Here’s how to help make the big event a bearable one:

Before the Wedding –

Desensitize

If the first time you see a wedding dress or hear the vows since your divorce is in the ceremony, it’s going to be a shock to your system. Desensitize a little first by watching a wedding-themed comedy in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise

You will have nervous energy before the event. So plan to bleed some of it ahead of time. Not only will it relieve some anxiety, exercise releases some feel-good hormones. And goodness knows, you’re going to need them!

Build Confidence

Divorce can make you feel like a failure. Especially when you’re confronted with the smiles and sap of a wedding. So go all out on your outfit and wear something that makes you feel good. Engage in something ahead of time that you’re good at. Remember – you are not your divorce.

Practice Your Elevator Speech

“I’m fine, thank you. The roses in the backyard are really getting tall!” Or whatever canned response you decide on.

During the Wedding –

Accept That You Will Cry

Hey, it’s a wedding. Lots of people cry. No biggie.

Choose Your Seat Wisely

Plan to sit at the end of a row (in case you need to escape) and next to a “safe” person who has been warned of the significance of this day for you. If you are not seated at the front with family, try to secure a seat towards the back. The space acts as some emotional insulation.

Give Yourself Permission to Hide in the Bathroom

Just knowing that an escape is available is priceless. And take it if you need it. Anyone who judges you for it has either never been divorced or is being an obnoxious jerk.

If Your Ex Will Be There

(Blech)^2 The world can really be an unfair place, can’t it? Fantasize all you want about them getting pulled along behind the wedding limo, but please don’t put those dreams into action.

Avoid if you can. Apply the elevator speech if you cannot. And if all else fails, excuse yourself by saying you have to go shampoo your cat.

If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

You will be flooded with all sorts of emotions, from happy/sad ones of your own wedding to angry/despondent ones of your divorce to cynical/bitter ones about this wedding. Keep your mouth shut about them all. This isn’t the time. It isn’t the place. Those words can wait.

Hang With the Single People

Divorced, widowed, never married, under 18, four-legged? Who cares. Just seek them out. For today, they’re your tribe.

It’s Okay to Have Fun

Be careful not to make such a big deal out of this that you forget to have fun. After all, a wedding is about the marriage, but it’s also about the party. Focus on the latter!

Watch the Alcohol Intake

No, really. I know it’s tempting to numb and distract with the booze. But just say no. Lowered inhibitions + overwhelming and often downward trending emotions = no bueno. Save the drinks for when you’re home after the wedding.

After the Wedding –

Be Kind to Yourself

Ask any divorced person, the first wedding is big deal. And often the aftereffects can last for a few days. Be nice to yourself.

Oh, and if you are suffering from a post-wedding emotional hangover, stay off of the social media for a few days. You don’t need to be subjected to an endless stream of wedding pictures or, even worse, lovey-dovey honeymoon photos.

Journal

Remember those words that can wait? Write them out now.

Have Something Planned

Schedule something that you like to do and find engaging and/or restorative for the next day. If the wedding totally sucks, at least you’ll have that to look forward to.

Celebrate

You just survived the only first wedding you’ll have to experience after your divorce!

 

Don’t Feed the Outliers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I taught a lesson about statistics towards the end of the year. It was one of those rare lessons in our curriculum where the material directly and easily relates to the real world.

I introduced the term “outlier” to the students and explained how data points far removed from the rest of the information can skew the results. As an example, I shared with them the startling (at least to me) figure I had read that morning – the average U.S. wedding now costs upwards of $28,000. Gulp.

We discussed selection bias; the survey was administered on wedding websites, already narrowing the selection pool to people more likely to invest in a pricey wedding. Then, we analyzed the impact of the Kim Kardashians of the wedding world, who reportedly spent 12 million on her last wedding.

The students immediately saw how those rare but insanely weddings not only inflate the national average, but also garner more attention and consideration than the more mundane affairs. The median wedding cost, which is far more resistant to outliers, is closer to $15,000. Still not cheap, but certainly much more attainable.

We naturally pay attention to outliers. The unusual captures our gaze out of a sea of familiar. The stand outs demand consideration in both awareness and response.

And by diverting our attention to the unusual rather than the ordinary, we may inadvertently be feeding the outliers.

Sometimes that extra attention is meritorious, nurturing rarity that excels in some way, much like the process of natural selection. If your partner rarely acknowledges your birthday in a way you prefer, by all means make a big deal out of the time when he/she got it right. By attending to these interactions, you may be able to increase their frequency, thus nudging the average towards the ideal.

But sometimes the outlying characteristics do not deserve the extra regard, and the wooing of them only serves to form a false perspective and a skewed response. If your partner is normally responsive and is overly dismissive one week, it may serve you better to be patient rather than to focus on the unusual behavior. Of course, some behavior is so outside the accepted spread, that it requires immediate reaction.

In a reductionistic stance, relationships can be distilled into a series of data points, comprised of interactions and responses. When considering your relationships, be careful not to put too much emphasis on the outliers. The patterns are much more important than the occasional point off the beaten path.

And if any of you ever plan a 12 million dollar wedding, please send an invite. I’d love to experience that outlier for one day! 🙂

If All Had Gone As I Had Planned

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If all had gone as I had planned, tomorrow would be my fifteenth anniversary.

I’m glad it didn’t turn out as planned.

The 6 Worst Reasons to Get Married

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Okay, so maybe there are worse reasons than the ones below. Like getting hitched because you like the way his last name sounds with your first. Or saying “I do” because you’ve always wanted a Vegas bachelor party a la The Hangover. Or going to a friend’s bachelor/bachelorette party and getting so drunk that you wake up wedded to the hired emm…help. Or signing up for some reality show where you agree to marry a stranger and then allow cameras to follow your every move.

Those would all be pretty bad.

But so are these. And they are much more prevalent and much more subtle.

I Don’t Want to Start Over

In a conversation about her one-year relationship, a friend mentioned that she hopes they will end up progressing to marriage because she “doesn’t want to start all over again.” I get it. Relationships aren’t easy and finding and cultivating one that lasts past the early treacherous stages can be difficult. It’s frustrating and depressing when a relationship falls apart before it reaches the altar (assuming, of course, that marriage is what both partners ultimately want), but a reticence for re-entering the dating scene is no reason to get married. In fact, most likely all you’re doing is delaying your trip back to the dating scene. Only this time with a (or another) failed marriage under your belt. No relationship is ever wasted. Learn from the failed ones and apply that knowledge to the next.

It’s the Next Logical Step

Well, we dated for a year. And then we rented an apartment for another year. And then we bought a dog together. Isn’t a wedding registry the next logical step? Maybe. But maybe not. Sometimes we get so caught up in the “right” or “normal” way of doing things that we turn on autopilot and forget we have a choice. It’s easier to slide in than take a stand. Simpler to avoid conflict or confusion and just follow the well-tred path. But research shows that this pattern leads to a higher likelihood of divorce. Most likely when one partner wakes up five years later and wonders, “How in the world did I end up here?”

I Don’t Want to be Alone

Nobody does. But being married (or having a kid) is no guarantee that you won’t be alone. In fact, feeling isolated and misunderstood is even more painful when you’re with someone. If you enter into marriage with a fear of abandonment, you will cultivate an insecure attachment with your spouse. And if your panicky grasping ways send your partner either literally or metaphorically running, you’ve just fulfilled your own fear. Usually when we don’t want to be alone, it’s because we’re not truly happy with who we are. Start there.

Caving to Outside Pressure

“So, I see your cousin Peggy just got engaged. When is it going to be your turn?” “You know I want grandbabies; when are you going to get started on that?” “All of the other partners at the firm are married. I’d like to keep it that way.” “You’re not shacking up are you? That’s not how you were raised!” Either subtle or overt, the pressure in our society is towards marriage. People who choose to be partnered without papers or (gasp!) remain single are easily ostracized and criticized. You may get Aunt Mildred’s stamp of approval if you wed, but is that really the person you need to please?

Everybody Else is Doing It

Facebook, Instagram and Pintrest can make it feel like everybody else in the world is planning a (professionally-styled yet laid-back Martha Stewart-esque with the latest baubles and bows) wedding. All around you, Misses are becoming Mrs. and bands appear on fourth fingers. Much like middle schoolers in the cafeteria, we want to belong. We want to be an accepted part of the tribe. And so when everybody else walks down the aisle, it’s easy to follow behind like the rats behind the Pied Piper. But remember what happened to the rats? Yeah, it’s best to look before you leap.

I Want to Feel Secure

That marriage vow is funny. We attach meaning and surety to the words “till death do us part” until those words no longer suit us. Somehow a marriage is viewed as stronger, more stable, more secure than any other relationship. But why? A piece of paper does not prevent betrayal or misdeeds. A promise made in front of a priest can be broken as easily as one told over a dinner table. In fact, in many ways, security in any relationship is an illusion. And if you are brave enough to see through it, it can even spice up your sex life. Promise:)

So, if you’re thinking about saying “I do,” make sure it’s for the right reasons, whatever those reasons are for you.

Even if it is because you’ve always wanted to be on a reality show about Vegas stripper weddings.