The Second Time Around

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am as familiar with the statistics as anyone – two thirds of second marriages are expected to end in divorce. There are many factors often cited for this depressing outcome. The family unit is more diverse and less cohesive. The children tend to be older and more independent, thus staying together for the sake of the kids is less of an issue. The ghosts of spouses past can continue to haunt the new marriage. Perhaps one or both partners moved too quickly into a new relationship rather than allowing sufficient time to heal from the divorce or to address underlying issues. Or, maybe they spent so much time single that partnered life with its compromises and complexities is no longer a fit. And, of course, there is the fact that once you have been divorced and survived, it may be easier to tread that path again.

Regardless of the reasons, the numbers are clear. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions. But, when it comes to relationships, I don’t care about statistics. I care about individual marriages, including my own. And, rather than focus on the added challenges that can impact subsequent marriages, I choose to acknowledge the ways that a marriage can be better the second time around.

Value

I took my first marriage and my first husband for granted. He was always there and I assumed he would always be there. It wasn’t that I treated him poorly or neglected the marriage, I just didn’t understand the fragility of it and that it could disappear so easily. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

It Doesn’t Matter How You Got Here

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Wow.

What a week.

The wedding was simple, personal and beautiful.

The weather cooperated.

The venue cooperated.

The dog did not. He seemed to have trouble understanding the concept of standing still on a woodland path. Instead of turning his gaze towards the camera, he kept looking wistfully at the trail. That’s okay’ we love him anyway:)

We ended up getting married beside a mossy creek on the Ely’s Mill property at the base of the Roaring Forks Loop. It was a magical location, even better than the original – locked up tight behind the national park shutdowns- site.

Change can be good.

We enjoyed a few quiet and scheduleless days in a cabin outside Gatlinburg.

And then we came home and celebrated. A roving and riotous party that spanned from afternoon until morning. Our home, “our” restaurant and finally, “our” downtown filled with the smiles and laughter of our friends. What an amazing night. What a precious gift.

 

I usually take about four naps in the span of a year.

Yesterday, I took two.

I could have used another today.

 

 

I have so many thoughts scratching at the inside of my head, begging to be written. But only one is fighting through the fatigue tonight:

 

The actual ceremony consisted of pretty traditional vows and was led by a pastor that we only met minutes before. I don’t know if he looked at the marriage license and chose his words based upon our not-exactly-super-young ages (36 and 40) or my prior marriage, but one sentence he shared hit us both hard.

“It doesn’t matter how you got here; what matters is here and now.”

He’s right.

And, I’m happy to say, that it is more than just words to me now. I felt at complete peace with my past the entire week. Random memories popped up on occasion (more to do with Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge than wedding stuff), but they passed through easily with no emotion.

I was married before.

It doesn’t matter.

I was left behind.

It doesn’t matter.

I was betrayed.

It doesn’t matter.

None of those things have any bearing on today if I choose not to let them have any bearing on today.

What matters is here and now.

 

When I was unpacking and sorting after the trip, I came across three prescription bottles. They contained the leftovers of the medications that I took that first year to help me sleep and eat and function. I started weaning myself off the medications the day after the divorce and haven’t taken any in well over three years.

But I held onto the remaining pills for all this time.

What if I couldn’t sleep again? What if my appetite vanished again? What if the fear and the pain and the anxiety crippled me again?

Much of the time, I forgot that I even had the vials. But, when I would happen across them, I would always hesitate and then place them back in their bin. I wasn’t ready.

But last week, when I recognized those orange bottles even though the labels had faded to white, I did not hesitate.

I released them.

They are relics of my past.

And they don’t matter.

What matters is here and now.

 

On a totally random side note that gave me a bit of a chuckle, for those of you who wonder how someone can commit bigamy (Getting Away With Bigamy), it’s still pretty easy. I carried an original copy of my divorce decree into the courthouse, thinking I would need it. Nope, I just needed to give them the date the divorce was final. Pretty scary. Kinda makes you wonder how common it actually is…

 

 

 

 

 

I Leave You With…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The wedding is just a few short days away.

We won’t be stopped by the government shutdown (even though we have had to create a backup plan to the original national park location). Nor will tropical storm Karen put a damper on our plans even if she makes us damp (here’s the one time I’m not happy about wedding dresses being white!).

As we all know, those are little things, speed bumps, but not stop signs.

We have been through much more stringent challenges to get here.

And now we’re ready.

I’m ready.

photo-75

I tried on my dress the other night for the first time since I bought it a year ago. The sight made the upcoming marriage feel real. Tangible. I looked at my reflection and reflected on the last time I wore white, 14 years ago. I am no longer that woman. I am more awake, mindful of all that is. I am more aware of both the good and the potential for pain. I am more grateful for everything after losing everything. And, dare I say it, I am more excited. My first marriage felt like the inevitable conclusion to a good relationship. This marriage feels like a hard-won victory after years of facing struggle. The triumph of love over loss. Trust over betrayal. And peace over pain.

And that’s something to celebrate.

And celebrate I shall. I will be taking a hiatus from the blog and its associated platforms for the next week or so. I want to focus on my new husband. My family. And my friends.

And maybe even sneak in a nap:)

I want to spend a week celebrating where I am with no thought as to how I got here.

Even though this is certainly a case where the ends justify the means.

Love Doesn't End

I’m not locking the door of the blog; please feel free to poke around and maybe even stay for awhile. There are well over 600 hundred posts here, so there’s no need to get bored:)

Please keep commenting and sharing. I’ll pick up when I get back.

But I also want to leave you with something.

Hope.

Hope that no matter how bad the pain is now, it can get better.

Hope that no matter how much you have lost, you can regain even more.

Hope that no matter how piercing the betrayal, you can learn how to trust again.

Hope that breaks heal and make you stronger than before.

Hope that you can build a new family and a new life.

Hope that you are not damaged beyond repair and that you can love and be loved.

Hope that you can be happy. Really and truly happy.

your story

Your happy ending may look different than mine.

But picture the happy ending you want. The finish line that says you’ve completed your divorce journey.

And then walk towards it. One step at a time.

See you all soon:)

Lisa

photo-66

The Bathroom Drawer

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was giving a tour of the new home.

“And this is Brock’s bathroom.”

“He gets the master bath?” my friend inquired, surprised.

“Yup. In this case, it’s a key to marital bliss. That way my blind self doesn’t trip over his detritus and I don’t wake him up when I get ready at the crack of dawn,” I explained.

She nodded, understanding.

“I am envious of these drawers, though,” my hand already beginning to open one of the six drawers built into the cabinet.

As my arm began to pull, my brain stuttered. I realized that I had no idea at all what was contained within that drawer. I hoped that it was nothing that would be embarrassing to reveal.

Luckily, the drawer only contained the usual bathroom items (along with a couple remnants of the paining work we had done).

But it also contained a lesson for me.

In my old life and my old home, I knew (or, more accurately, thought I knew) what resided behind every closed drawer. I thought I knew everything about my ex husband, that there was no uncharted territory. I believed there were no secrets, even of the unintentional kind.

And so, whenever a drawer (both real and metaphorical) was opened, I saw what I expected to see.

It’s never been that way with Brock. Perhaps because of my background or maybe because we’re coming together in mid-life after living separate lives for many years, he remains at least somewhat mysterious to me. Even though we share stories of our pasts, they are just samples, not the entire spread. Although we share space, we each have out own territory and I don’t feel the need to be an explorer on an expedition to his office.

I don’t think I know what he is going to say.

So I listen.

I don’t have any expectations of what I will see.

So I look.

At first, this felt a bit scary to me. I wondered if I would ever feel like I knew him as well as I knew my ex.

But then I realized, I only thought I knew my ex.

The comfort in that was the wool over my eyes.

I like the dash of mystery.

The reminder that he is Brock before he is my husband.

A reminder to listen. To see.

Rather than assume.

And also a reminder not to open drawers in fron of someone without verifying its contents first:)

 

Cheers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My mom is off to Italy soon on her dream trip of a lifetime (may the cobblestones be smooth, the blisters scarce and the lines short).

She sent wedding gifts in advance of her departure since she will be overseas during the celebration (toss a coin into the Trevi fountain for me, please!)

The last one took me by surprise.

As I battled with the endless folds of cardboard and the mobius-like twists of extra strong packing tape, I realized that the box contained a frame. Or actually, several. One of those displays that is comprised of many attached picture frames.

As I victoriously tore away a sticky note-sized piece of cardboard, I saw my grandmother’s familiar face. She had a glass in one hand and a smile on her lips.

I tore some more.

And saw my mom, stepdad and his mom, all with glasses and smiles.

They seemed like strange photos to select.

But then I revealed a bit more.

A family friend, aunt really, who was clinking a steel wine goblet against a toaster.

Ahhh, got it:)

My suspicions were confirmed as the last of the cardboard sheath fell to floor, revealing almost a dozen pictures, containing 28 family members, all raising a toast to our wedding.

Some were dressed up. Others were casual. Some had juice. Or beer. Or wine. One precious little one drank to our happiness from her baby bottle. And a furry one toasted with her favorite toy.

The pictures are from Texas. And Wisconsin. And Washington. And Oregon. And even California.

Some of the family members I see every couple years. While, with others, it’s much longer between visits.

It’s such an amazing feeling to gaze upon those pictures and feel the support of so many, even when they are far away.

And that’s what family is. I only share blood ties with a handful of those in the frame (I had to chuckle when describing the relationships to a visiting friend last night while showing her the gift. “I guess it’s a modern family,” I said.), we are tied by a sense of belonging. Of support. It doesn’t matter how the ties were formed. Once there, they’re not broken.

And in less than two weeks, Brock and I will officially become family. I feel a sense of belonging. Of support. It doesn’t matter what led up to this. We’re family now.

And I’ll toast to that:)