8 Surefire Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy Trying to Get Someone to Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems so clear – if they would just change in that one small (or not-so-small) way, everything would be better. You’ve tried one tactic after another, convinced that the right strategy will be the key to unlocking their potential.

Yet each attempt falls flat.

We all do this to some extent, focusing on how somebody else could mold just a little better to our needs. And in the context of a relationship, it’s appropriate to communicate your needs and to ask your partner to try to meet them. Yet, we don’t always go about this in the most productive way.

The following are common strategies that we use to try to change others that often backfire:

1 – Wanting Them to Change

It’s amazing how easy it is to tell ourselves stories about other people’s desires and motivations. We can so easily confuse our desire for them to change with an interest in their part on engaging in transformation.

 

2 – Loving Them Harder

This is one you see so often with addicts as their loved ones try to give them everything in an attempt to out-love their compulsions. Yet even though love provides the security to anchor oneself in order to grow, love on its own does not create growth.

 

3 – Making Yourself Smaller

When the other person’s personality is strong or they have a tendency to respond in anger, it can be tempting to shrink in order to avoid prompting outrage. Yet no matter how carefully you tiptoe on those eggshells, you cannot prevent their reactions.

 

4 – Begging

Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time (or ten times). Or perhaps, they didn’t understand that this is important. What feels like reminding on your side can easily feel like nagging on theirs. And nobody responds well to that.

 

5 – Giving an Ultimatum

There’s an important distinction to be made here between ultimatums and boundaries. An ultimatum says, “If you don’t do x, I will do y.” An ultimatum is a threat to the other person.

In contrast, a boundary says, “x is important to me. Do you think you can help make that happen?” And then if the boundary is crossed, “x is important to me. I need to do y to protect that.” A boundary is keeping a promise to yourself.

 

6 – Comparing Them to Others

Comparison rarely inspires growth. Instead, it breeds insecurity and contempt. In order to change, a person needs to first feel accepted and safe. Comparison is the enemy of that.

 

7 – Shaming Them

Shame often has the opposite effect of what is intended. The teenager who is shamed by her parents for her excess weight sneaks extra snacks at school with an, “I’ll show them” attitude. Shame leads to the digging in of heels and secrecy, neither of which are good for any relationship.

 

8 – Tell Them They’re Wrong

Their view or approach is different than yours. That doesn’t automatically mean that it is wrong. An overly dismissive approach leads to a situation with a “winner” and a “loser.” Change happens when it’s approached as a problem for both to solve.

Why We Feel the Need to Fix Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I am so frustrated at work right now,” a woman vents to her husband. “My team just doesn’t pay attention to deadlines and it keeps impacting my work.”

“Why don’t you set up a shared calendar with your team to coordinate deadlines?” the husband suggests, as it seems like an easy and obvious fix to him. To his surprise, instead of his wife embracing the idea, she gets frustrated with his response.

 

I bet this dynamic is familiar to all of us. We’ve all been on the side of wanting to share, looking for someone else to be with us in our emotional state only to feel frustrated when we don’t receive the response we desire. And we’ve all been on the receiving end, listening to someone share their emotional state and wanting to volunteer a way to fix their distress.

Since we’re all familiar with both sides of this exchange, why does it so often go so poorly, leaving both parties feeling unheard and misunderstood?

 

From the Perspective of the Listener

 

Why We Try to Fix Things

 

We Are Uncomfortable With Discomfort

This is a core reason behind this drive – we don’t like to see people suffer. And so when we witness somebody’s distress, we want to alleviate it. Both for their sake, and for ours.

We Want to Help

Most people want to be helpful. This current pandemic with its “stay at home” mandate makes this clear. We don’t want to sit idle, we want to be able to DO something.

We Want to Be Needed

Many of us have a need to be needed and a fear of abandonment if we are needed. And one of the ways that this can manifest is by being the “fixer” for others.

 

 

The Problem With Trying to Fix Things

 

Not Everything Can Be Easily Fixed

Oftentimes, there isn’t a fix for what is causing distress. Or, at least not a feasible one or one that it is our control. In these cases, an attempt to fix becomes an endless source of frustration.

The Outside Perspective is Limited

Whenever advice comes from an outside source, it is operating from limited data and perspective. In the opening example, the husband may not know that a shared calendar already exists and that the coworkers never open the file. It’s easy for the fixer to offer up a solution to the wrong problem.

Sends the Message That the Person Isn’t Capable

One of the reason that I like the coaching process is that it operates from the belief that we know what we need to do, we sometimes need help uncovering and implementing that knowledge. When we try to fix other’s problems, we can be implying that they are not capable of solving them on their own.

 

 

What to Do Instead

 

Listen

Just be there. Acknowledge what they say and how they are feeling.

Ask if They Want Input

Before you offer up a solution, ask if they want input. If they don’t, bite your tongue, at least for now. When emotions are high, people are not in a space where they can hear and process ideas.

Separate Your Emotional Response From Theirs

Sometimes when we hear about somebody else’s situation, it brings up an emotional response of our own. This may be stronger or even in opposition to theirs. It’s important not to try to fix their situation from your impacted state.

 

How to Share For a Better Outcome

 

1 – Choose who you share with intentionally.

If I need to vent about the demands of teaching, I am going to find a more understanding ear in my mom, who was a teacher, than my husband, who hasn’t been in a classroom since he graduated. Be smart about who you choose to go to with certain things. Also, be mindful about what else they’re dealing with and your timing of unloading on them.

2 – Clarify what you’re looking for.

Do you want advice or do you just want to vent? You’re more likely to get out of it what you want if you begin by stating what you’re looking for.

3 – Be aware if you’re complaining endlessly about the same things.

Empathy has its limits. If you’re always discussing the same unchangeable situation or refusing to take reasonable action, people will tire of hearing your story.

4 – Be mindful of what emotions this may trigger in the other person.

Try not to take their response personally; they may be responding from their past.

5 – Try to be patient with the drive to fix.

Even though is can feel dismissive and like they’re not really listening to you, remember that they want to make things better for you because they care about you.

6 – Respond to suggestions with grace and boundaries.

“Thank you for your suggestion” and “That’s not going to work for me.” Repeat as needed.

A Tough Pill For a People-Pleaser to Swallow

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I don’t like to disappoint people.

I work to not be a bother to others and I like to be liked.

On the surface, these might seem to be good qualities in a wife. I am conscientious and attentive and often put the needs of others above my own.

But there’s a dark side to this tendency in a relationship.

One that I only became aware of after my first marriage ended.

And one that I’ve had to actively work on improving both in my marriage and in my relationships in general.

I focused on my efforts on the following three areas –

 

1  Be Aware of – and Make Space For – Your Own Feelings and Needs

As a natural people pleaser, I used to respond to other’s requests with a quick, “Sure,” before ever even checking with myself. This wasn’t fair to either one of us. I would easily neglect or un-prioritize my own needs in order to take care of the other person. And eventually, I would become resentful which would then bring an unspoken negative undercurrent to the interactions.

If you’re a people-pleaser, you’re not going to suddenly stop caring about those around you. But you can make the effort to give yourself just as much attention. Your feelings and your needs matter as well. Before agreeing – or volunteering – to do something for someone else, check in with yourself first. Is this an appropriate way to help? Are you in a good place to extend a hand? Is there something between a full “yes” and a total “no” that feels better?

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. In fact, it’s necessary. If you give everything you have, you have a limited amount to give. If instead, you take the time to care for and replenish yourself, you end up with more to share.

 

2  Don’t Take Ownership of Other People’s Feelings

I have a tendency to struggle when those I care about are irritable or grumpy. I will take on their mood as my responsibility to somehow diagnose and fix.

Yeah, I know.

Not. My. Job.

People-pleasers want those around them to be happy. And they easily take on the job of trying to make others happy. Yet it’s a job we’re guaranteed to fail. 

 

3  Actively Practice Disappointing People

This was the hard pill for me to swallow. It’s important to be able to say the hard things even if it disappoints – or even hurts – another person. And like with anything, it takes practice to get better.

Now, I’m not recommending that you start a side hustle as an internet troll, spewing vitriol wherever your fingers take you. What I am suggesting is that you practice speaking your truth. Say “no” to the invitation that you would normally agree to only out of obligation. If you’re not happy about a dynamic within the relationship, speak up. Learn to distinguish between your part – delivering these missives with kindness and clarity – and what is not your responsibility – the other person’s reaction to your words.

In order to be a good wife, I need to be willing and able to disappoint – and even hurt – my husband.

I hate even thinking about that. It’s the last thing I would ever want to do. But I’ve also learned that things left unsaid in an attempt to not cause someone pain only build in intensity until they eventually erupt.

 

In some ways, I am still a people-pleaser. I have to work to not take social media comments personally (I keep reminding myself that I’m not Burger King- they can’t always have it their way) and I have to be very intentional about the responsibilities I take on at work. But I’ve come a long way, in both awareness and action.

And that makes me happy.

 

A Guidebook to Handling Your Emotions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We don’t come with emotion-handling software already installed. As young children, we were pure, unrestrained emotion. Any disappointment resulted in a red and tear-stained face and joy over the smallest delight would result in spontaneous and unselfconscious giggles.

And then, over the years, we received guidance on how to handle our emotions. Some of us heard the message that emotions are a sign of weakness and should be avoided at all cost. Others grew up in environments where emotions were a form of currency, used to get what you want from those around you.

Regardless of our particular emotional education, few of us mastered the curriculum by adulthood.

So here’s a little guidebook, a brief refresher on how to handle your emotions. Don’t worry if you still struggle with these reminders. Learning how to be human takes a lifetime.

 

Do Be Curious…Don’t Judge

It always breaks my heart a little when I hear someone say, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” Because they DO feel that way. And that is entirely okay. Judgment doesn’t make the emotion go away. All it does is frost it with a layer of self-criticism. Instead of judging the emotion, try asking yourself, “I wonder why I’m feeling this way?”

 

Do Approach…Do Not Attach

We are busy. And with so many tasks and people and apps always demanding our attention, our own internal emotional landscape often takes the back burner. Yet even if we don’t take the time to look, it’s still there, influencing everything that comes into our sphere. Slow down. Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling. Name it. But don’t become too comfortable. Emotions, like clouds, often pass. If you attach too much with a certain feeling, you’re interrupting this natural cycle.

Do Moderate…Don’t Bury

It’s a good thing that most of us have gotten better at handling emotions over time. An entire office building of tantruming workers would be a little awkward. We need to be able to dial down our emotional intensity and filter our emotions through perspective and rationality. Yet sometimes we take this too far, stuffing down our emotions and locking them away. Of course, they are still there. Only now instead of whispering, they’re going to start screaming.

 

Do Accept…Don’t Enable

You feel the way you feel. That’s okay. What’s NOT okay is to cater to those feelings like they are some sort of monarch. For example, if you feel sad, feel sad. But you don’t need to work to become the best iteration of sadness that ever existed. Instead, feel sad and also hold yourself to your goals. And remember, you are not your feelings.

 

Do Direct…Don’t Control

Have you ever told a hyper toddler to just sit still in a restaurant? How did that work out for you? Obviously, you can’t just let them unleash the beast within the establishment, but you can take them for a walk around the parking lot before dinner. Our emotions respond in much the same way. If you try to order them to sit and stay, disaster will ensure (and you may be thrown out of the restaurant), but you can channel your emotional energy in acceptable ways.

 

Do Listen…Don’t Believe Everything They Say

Our emotions are worth listening to. Our rational brains may be smart, but they are also prone to all sorts of fallacies and delusions (confirmation bias, anyone?). Our emotions operate a different level and are often able to pick up on things that our thinking selves are trying to talk us out of seeing. So listen. But also verify. Because much like the dog that sometimes barks at a falling leaf, our emotions sometimes get a little confused about what constitutes an actual threat. Feelings are not facts.

 

Do Share…Don’t Expect a Certain Response

We are emotional beings. It’s okay to show your feelings. Yet so often when we do share, we do so with an expectation of how the other person will respond. And then if our expectations are unmet, we blame the emotion. When really the fault is with the unrealistic expectations. Emotions are uniquely personal. Although we all feel the same ones, we don’t always feel them in the same way or in response to the same things.

 

 

 

 

When Is the Hard Work of Relationships TOO Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are two seemingly conflicting schools of thought –

A relationship requires hard work. You can’t just give up on someone because it requires effort.

and

A relationship is only hard if it’s with the wrong person. A good relationship shouldn’t take that much effort.

Yet, as with many pat pieces of advice, both contain elements of truth yet fail to address the very real complexity of the situation. A relationship can require no work and be unhealthy (I provide my first marriage as evidence) and there are also certainly times that one or both people in a relationship keep trying harder when perhaps the best solution is to walk away.

So what is “normal” when it comes to hard work within a relationship? And what are the signs that perhaps all of this hard work is wasted energy trying to fix something that contains a major structural flaw?

 

Periods of Ebb and Flow

Normal: There are days, weeks or months when you feel especially close with your partner and times when you feel a little more disconnected. Sometimes, you can identify a root cause – external stressors, illness, distraction – and sometimes it just comes on for no apparent reason. Maybe you talk about this distance or maybe you just ride it out until one or both of you reach out to reestablish the intimacy. There isn’t too much emotion tied up in these phases since there is mutual trust in the strength of the relationship and the transient nature of the ebb.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Instead of gentle ebbs and flows, it feels more like the extreme highs and lows of a roller coaster. When it’s good, it’s great and when it’s bad, it’s awful. With each up, you feel elated. Unstoppable. While each down crushes your spirit and the fear and negativity sparked by the potential end of the relationship spread throughout your life. Your relationship status dictates the quality of your day.

During the up times, you’re balancing hope for a better future and fear that another downturn is around the corner. When the relationship is going through another rough patch, you’re both making promises to yourself that things will be different while simultaneously falling back into the same patterns as before.

 

Unequal Efforts

Normal: You feel irritated or frustrated that your partner never seems to do their share of the housework. You bring it up and there is an improvement, at least in the short term. During periods of additional workload or illness, one person picks up the slack, both people simply doing what needs to be done.

Even with these surface disturbances, there is an understanding that you are a team. That you both are working together towards a common vision. You may not always agree on the path, but you both believe in the destination and put in the effort to get there.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: From the thousands of people I’ve talked with as well as my own experiences, I think this is the ultimate dealbreaker. When your partner isn’t willing to work – to listen, to adapt, to attend counseling, to try something different, to address their own issues – there is only so much you can do.

From Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

If you’re the only one working, there’s only so much you can do.

 

Disagreements

Normal: “How could you be so ignorant?” you think as you hear your partner defend a point. Some arguments are minor, often carried in on the heels of a difficult day. Others are over more major things and these either move towards resolution in time (and this may take years) or become differing points of view to simply accept and live with. There may even be repeated friction over the same recurring issues and fights that follow familiar patterns without seeming to fo anywhere in particular.

During arguments, some harsh words may be spoken. Feelings may be hurt. One or both people may not always respond in the best way and things may get quite heated. But there are known boundaries that are not crossed, whether that is to refrain from physical confrontation or avoid using certain words. And when cooler heads prevail, apologies are offered, responsibility is taken and, most importantly, connection and commonalities are reestablished.

Wondering how to improve conflict in your relationship? Learn more here. 

Maybe it’s Too Hard: The fights come fast and furious. One or both of you are always walking on eggshells, uncertain what might spark anger in the other. During the arguments, boundaries are repeatedly crossed as brutal words or even fists rain down. Gottman’s four horsemen: contempt, stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness make a frequent showing at these arguments, ensuring that a productive conversation cannot occur.

The arguments never seem to come to any resolution. Promises are made yet somehow you always seem to end up in the same place. It’s as though you’re trying to coauthor a book only you speak two very different languages.

The disagreements are frequent. Instead of being the raisins sprinkled periodically throughout your relationship, they are the cookie itself. In fact, you often wonder if it wasn’t for the fights, if you would have anything holding you together at all.

 

Disliking Things About Your Partner

Normal: You can’t stand your partner’s taste in clothes. Or their new haircut. Maybe the way they brush their teeth sets yours on edge. All of that is totally normal. It’s impossible to spend an extended amount of time with someone and not become annoyed with certain traits and since we’re not all clones, there will always be things about another that you don’t like.

Yet underneath that dislike is love and maybe even some lighthearted humor about the things you find objectionable. You are able to separate the person you love from the particular trait that you don’t.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Dislike has turned into disgust. Something about them actively turns your stomach. Or, there is something about them that you find so objectionable that you carefully tuck it away and try to forget about it.

Maybe you’re embarrassed of them, hesitant to bring them around your friends and family, fearing their reaction. On some level, you don’t think they’re quite up to your level.

And bigger than that is when you find that you’re beginning to dislike yourself. Are there patterns in the relationship that bring out the worst in you? Or are they being emotionally abusive and their words have become your own?

 

Questioning Your Decision to Be Together

Normal: Sometimes you wonder what your life would be like if you were single. Or with somebody else. It’s not a pressing desire, more a curious daydream that occasionally drifts through your mind. This may be prompted by a passing attraction to another person or from observing somebody else’s life and wondering what it’s like in their shoes.

Other times, this question is more pressing when the relationship is going through a particularly difficult period. You wonder if you made the right choice, your current pain manifesting as confusion. Yet this feeling doesn’t persist as you’re reminded again why this is a person that you want as your teammate in the game of life.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: More days than not, you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. You find yourself continually weighing out the pros and cons. Maybe you ask for the input of others because you feel like you can’t trust your own instincts.

Are you scared to leave and only staying because it’s what you know or because of the time and energy invested? Are your goals in life incompatible with the relationship and you either leave your partner or leave yourself?

 

Time Spent Apart

Normal: You look forward to the business trip so that you can have time to yourself at the house. You enjoy solo travel or a dinner with your friends. It’s healthy for couples to spend time apart from each other and this is supported and encouraged.

When apart, there are certain expectations around boundaries and communication. As long as those are met, there is not undue anxiety or jealousy about the other’s whereabouts or actions.

Maybe It’s Too Hard: You count down the minutes until your partner leaves for the day and you dread the moment they come back through the door. Or, when they’re away, you’re constantly wondering if they’re cheating and so you find yourself anxious and questioning. Or maybe it’s your partner that is controlling and leaves you feeling guilty for every moment you take for yourself.

 

Final Thoughts

I like to tell my students that anything worthwhile takes effort. And when that comes to relationships, I certainly believe that to be true.

From Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow.

Yet sometimes that relationship has become a black hole and that energy may be better spent in a new direction. And only you can can decide if the work is going towards growth or the work is taking energy away from your growth. Only you will know if it’s time to try harder or it’s time to walk away.

Wondering if you should divorce? Here are 12 questions to ask yourself.

Wondering why you’re not seeing the results you expected? Here are some common reasons. 

Wondering if you tried hard enough to save your marriage? Hint: If you’re even asking this, it’s a sign you put in the effort. Here’s more to think about.