The Problem With Arousal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We tend to see arousal in a relationship as a positive attribute.

We correlate it with the abdominal butterflies of the early dates and the heady rush of the first kiss. We enjoy the tunnel vision of young love and the electric nerve endings primed with anticipation. Untold books are written about difficulties with a lack of arousal and how a deficit in excitement can lead to a marital dead bedroom when a partner fails to elicit a response in the other.

That’s a limited view of a complex biological mechanism.

Arousal is a physiological state where the autonomous nervous and endocrine systems are turned on and ready to go. The increased heart rate, blood pressure and alertness makes us ready to fight, flee or, in the case of a potential mate, maybe another “f” word. It’s an evolutionary response that downshifts our brains into basic survival mode, the instinct to protect self and offspring prevailing over all other thoughts.  The vision field literally narrows to limit distractions and focus attention on the task at hand. The body is primed to attack or run as blood flows into the limbs. In a true survival situation, a heightened state of arousal is key.

Most situations are not truly about survival. 

Several years ago, my now-husband and I were walking Tiger on a trail along the river. A car suddenly veered from the road onto the path, dramatically splintering a fence, before coming to a stop mere feet in front of us. I immediately felt my heart accelerate and my body begin to shake. I remember feeling a need to act, to move, yet feeling unsure what to do. I looked over at Brock and was surprised to see him calm and unmoving, visually assessing the situation and making an action plan. Unflustered, he handed me the leash and instructed me to move Tiger out of the way into an adjacent field.

Brock’s years of medic training had taught him how to mitigate his body’s arousal system. Whereas my brain was sent into the panic of high alert, he was able to maintain a lower level of arousal that still allowed him to think rationally, process stimuli and act logically.

Too much arousal is as detrimental to a relationship as too little.

Not every situation is as dramatic as a car crashing through a fence. In fact, sometimes it can be as subtle as a particular phrase or echo of a memory that awakens our survival-brain. Primed for fears of abandonment, whenever Brock used to express displeasure or disappointment with me, my body would respond with an all-out flood of neurotransmitters. Through that heightened lens, every word, every movement was a threat to my survival.

In that state, I could not respond rationally. I could not see the bigger picture. I could not problem solve or make connections. And I could not risk showing any vulnerabilities, as my brain was convinced that everything was a threat. Communication is impossible when one or both partners are flooded with emotion. And if one or both people continually respond in a heightened state? Every discussion becomes a battlefield.

Affection is a dangerous antidote to hyper-arousal.

Cesar Milan often works with dogs that are in the “red zone,” the canine equivalent of fight or flight. He cautions the owners from providing affection when their dog is in that heightened state because it is rewarding the animal for being in the red zone. Instead, he waits until the dogs are relaxed and only then does he try to train or reward them.

Humans are no different. As an introvert (shown to be more sensitive to stimuli) geared towards anxious, I am naturally prone to an excess of arousal. Throughout my first marriage, my then-husband used to respond to my alertness by soothing me, using affection and attention to lower my excitement levels. It worked in the moments, but it also did nothing to discourage those moments from reoccurring.

Your arousal levels are not fixed; you can train your body to respond differently.

Nowhere is the brain’s ability to regulate arousal more apparent than in sniper training. These men and women learn how to lower their heart and respiratory rates to extremely low levels, make complex calculations and perform detailed fine motor movements all while in potentially dangerous situations.

We can outsmart our reptilian brains through mindfulness and practice. We can use the power of our rational minds when we are not in the red zone to change how we respond when faced with a perceived threat. It takes persistence, practice and patience. But you can retrain your brain.

Learning to control your arousal state is critical to relationship success.

The Gottman Institute has studied arousal states in couples and has determined that a lower level of arousal during conflict is positively correlated with marital longevity and happiness.  It makes sense. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions and overreactions is a key in mature and balanced partnerships. When you hold your own fuse, you are able to limit the potential of a conversational conflagration.

In the bedroom, by all means turn it up. But in the rest of your marriage, you may be better served by turning it down.

 

 

Love Is Only Blind When Your Head Is In the Sand

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever look back at a former relationship and wonder what you saw in your one-time flame?

Or do you ever question a friend or family member’s choice in partners?

It’s easy when you’re outside of a relationship to view the bigger picture, the distance providing perspective while damping emotions.

But when you’re in it?

It’s all too easy to bury your head in the sand.

 

We stick our heads in the sand in relationships for a variety of reasons:

Avoidance

A wife sees a suggestive text on her husband’s phone from an unknown female. Her heart begins to race and panic floods her system. The hint of an affair is overwhelming to her; she cannot face the thought that her marriage is in trouble and that she may lose her husband. She turns away from the text and tries to pretend that she never saw it. That it didn’t happen.

When we see something that frightens us, we have two choices: approach or hide. In a relationship, the latter can cause problems as the truth is not faced because of the anxiety of losing the partnership. Of course, the fear persists even when the truth is not faced head-on. This state is usually temporary when either the truth becomes too big to avoid or the anxiety becomes too high to tolerate and the evidence is finally challenged. Burying your head out of fear may make you blind but it leaves you even more vulnerable to attack.

Mindlessness

A husband is busy at work, long hours and stressful clients have kept him away from home both physically and emotionally. He prides himself on providing for his family and doesn’t really have the time or energy to consider the status of the marriage as a whole. His wife, meanwhile, appreciates his efforts but feels isolated and lonely as her partner has become a husband in name only.

Heads can end up in the sand even without intentional digging. Stay still long enough and the tides will conspire to bury you. This is a blindness born of inattentiveness and busyness rather than willful evasion. Regardless of the motivation, the outcome is still a relationship in danger due to a lack of clarity and communication.

Willful Ignorance

A wife is pretty sure that her husband has a mistress. She intentionally chooses to turn a blind eye to his affair because he is a good father and stable husband. So she decides not to confront him and, even more, chooses to avoid situations that may reveal evidence of the infidelity. She knows something is there but chooses not to look.

This blindness is born more of pragmatism than fear. The reality is known to an extent and even quietly accepted. It’s a desire to pretend that life isn’t messy and emotions can be subjugated to reason. It’s a carefully edited and narrated form of the relationship. Although often dismissed, there is a sadness in this buried head that comes from lack of vulnerability and associated intimacy.

Bargaining

Prior to the marriage, a husband knows that his wife has problems with anger. He is uncomfortable with her temper and it raises red flags for him. However, he wagers her temperament against her other qualities and decides that the good outweigh the bad. When others bring up her outbursts out of concern, the husband responds by dismissing the concerns and tallying the pros that she brings to the table.

This is a common approach when a partner has issues with violence and/or substance abuse. There may be several very good qualities that are only occasionally accompanied by the bad. It’s a dangerous game; however, as the blinded partner slides into enabling the poor behaviors and choices.

 

A healthy relationship is one where both partners have their heads tall, looking out for problems on the horizon and addressing them as they approach. Burying your head may make you feel safe for a time but it’s no way to live.

Have the courage to lift your head.

Trust that you can handle whatever you see.

True love isn’t blind.