Exercises in Vulnerability

Posted on by stilllearning2b

After divorce, we often enter a protective state, curled inward and walled off to the outside world. And without practice, we soon forget the critical skill of being able to be fully seen by another. And so that which was advantageous at first, eventually becomes limiting as new relationships cannot fully form when you are wrapped in your emotional armor.

Not only is it scary to immediately open up to others when your heart has been shredded, it can also be risky. Sadly, there are those that look for wounded souls and advantage of your weakened state. Yet if you remain hardened to all encounters, you risk losing the ability to be vulnerable as you become accustomed to your “Nothing can touch me” state.

There is a middle ground. Places where you can practice being open while at the same time ensuring your emotional safety. The following are exercises in vulnerability that maintain your strength and flexibility for when you’re ready to put it in action in a new relationship.

 

Therapy

This is one of the key benefits of therapy. In many ways, the relationship you have with your therapist within the safety of their four walls gives you an opportunity to practice with a trained professional before you bumble through it on your own in the world. They know when to push you to open a little more and sense when you’re flooded and need a breather. In contrast with the other strategies, this one directly addresses vulnerability and allows for an outsider’s help and perspective.

 

Massage

This was a key part of my healing from my own divorce. Abandonment had left me traumatized and fearful. I scheduled a monthly massage with a trusted therapist for those first several months. The safe, nonsexual touch helped me learn to relax in front of another person, which I knew was going to be critical for my future wellbeing. We NEED touch and when you’re having trouble trusting people in your life, massage can be a safe way to meet that need.

 

Time With Kids

Kids have a way of worming through our emotional defenses. Willing to say it like it is, they call us out on our stuff and their own openness and honest curiosity helps to make us feel at ease. Now obviously, they are not the ones to divulge all of your thoughts to, but you can learn how to relax and let yourself feel without passing judgement.

 

Online Groups

Whether a structured support group or an anonymous account on Twitter, the internet offers myriad opportunities for you to flex your vulnerability muscle. This is an environment where you can be completely open, yet also feel protected behind your screen. Be cautious if you’re not in the relative safety of a private group and you’re still feeling pretty fragile, as here there be trolls.

 

Book Clubs

Book club discussions often allow ways for us to talk about how we relate to the literature, which can be a way of talking about your feelings and your experiences through the book. This round-a-bout arrival can often feel more comfortable than a direct approach. Plus, you also have the opportunity to learn that you’re not alone with these feelings.

 

Turning Microaggressions Into Microappreciations

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear more and more about microaggressions – slight, often unintended discriminatory comments or behaviors directed towards some individual or group. Microaggressions are subtle and often reveal a subconscious bias.

It’s easy to discount microaggressions. I admit it, I’ve dismissed them as simply one more area that the sensitive “snowflakes” are complaining about. But then I realize that part of why I dismiss it is because of my own discomfort with my own subconscious bias. And when I see the compounding effects that microaggressions can have on anyone – not just the sensitive, “you aren’t allowed to hurt my feelings or offend me” types – I have to admit that they are real and their effects can be considerable.

None of us are immune to being the recipient of microaggression and, perhaps even more disturbing, none of us are immune to committing microaggressions. We all identify with certain groups and view those outside its parameters as “others.” We all hold bias, whether conscious or subconscious, formed from experience, ignorance or transmitted belief. And we all can act in such a way that we are communicating our bias and making others feel badly.

So how can you stop your own acts of microaggression?

In order to recognize your own bias, you have to first accept that you have bias. No human is completely impartial. No person is immune to cognitive shortcuts and assumptions that sway perception and interpretation.

Once bias is accepted, the next step is to recognize it in the moment. And while it’s easy to see in others, it’s much more difficult to observe in ourselves. It all comes down to mindfulness. To being present in the moment. To being aware of your words and your actions and also being observant of their effects.

Let go of your impulse to dismiss it as “nothing” and resist any defensiveness that arises. Aim to use the technique of noting, “Oh, I just gripped my purse tighter when that man walked by and I didn’t do it when the previous people walked by.” Once noted, explore what subconscious belief might lie beneath that action and identify the antecedent (the “cause” or preceding situation) that led to that response.

Using mindfulness again, practice recognizing the antecedent and halting your subconscious biased response before it occurs.

Now here’s the twist. Once recognized, instead of simply stopping one behavior, aim to replace it with another – an intentional act of microappreciation.

So what is microappreciation?

A slight, intentional awareness, recognition and acknowledgement of unity and value.

Whereas microaggression focuses on what we fear, microappreciation centers on what we see.

Microaggression listens to the premonitions of “what if.” Microappreciation abides by the curiosity of “why not?”

Microaggression jumps to conclusions. Microappreciation leaps to awareness.

Microaggression is based on judgments. Microappreciation is centered on observation.

Microaggression stems from bias. Microappreciation comes from openness.

Microaggression assumes a threat. Microappreciation believes in possibility. 

Both are small stones entering into life’s pond, ripples spreading out from their impact.

Let your pebble be one of gratitude.