I wish I could say that my first husband’s infidelity has had no impact on my second marriage.
But the unfortunate reality is that, even though my ex has long since been excised from my life, his choices still have an impact. On me and on my marriage.
By understanding how being cheating on impacts your next relationship, you can help to maximize the positive effects and minimize the negative ones. Learn more here.
We know infidelity is bad.
But what about the people that commit it?
Do they have some ingrained and persistent defect in their character? Or, are they inherently good people who made a bad choice?
It is a selfish decision. Cheating happens because somebody is incapable of considering – or caring about – the impact on another. There is a distinct lack of empathy and consideration.
Deception and manipulation are employed. The ends justify the means and in order to maintain their affair, cheaters knowingly and coldly lie and control others for their gain.
There is a distinct lack of grit and perseverance. When the going gets tough, the cheater gets going into the arms of another. Hard work and effort is traded in for the fast appeal of a new model.
They are cowards. Instead of summoning the courage for the difficult conversations, they express their unhappiness and dissatisfaction from afar.
Integrity is absent. There is no moral compass, no ethical code guiding their behavior. Words may say one thing, but the actions speak something entirely different.
A slippery slope led to a catastrophe. A bad choice was made for something that seemed minor. But then the effects compounded like falling dominos after reaching a critical point.
There is a lack of self-awareness. Discontentment wasn’t brought up because it wasn’t realized. Instead, attention was focused on work or others, leaving a gap for an affair to slide in.
Maturity is lacking. And with it, an understanding of personal responsibility or cause and effect. Immaturity also contributes to a desire for instant gratification over sustained effort.
Loneliness and disconnection cloud the thinking. A sense of perceived rejection or being unappreciated contributes to more primal and basic instincts as it plays upon the need for social ties and acceptance.
There is a deficit of coping mechanisms. They never learned how to be in a relationship and how to navigate both inter- and intra-personal conflicts. And this leads to a poor choice.
So what do you think? Is infidelity a sign of an enduring character flaw or is it a consequence of a fallible, yet overall good, person?
“How are your legs doing?’ another friend asks, knowing that my (knock on wood) final procedures have now been completed.
I find it difficult to answer. The increase in pain and swelling that follows the procedures has now faded, but I am still months away from any improvement.
Because the only way to move the functioning of my legs forward is first to take a step (or several) backward.
The medical term for my diagnosis is venous insufficiency, which basically means that the veins that are responsible for carrying blood back to the heart from my legs aren’t doing their job. Veins rely on a series of valves which close tightly to prevent blood from flowing back down. My valves, instead of being secure doors slamming shut are slack and droopy curtains that do nothing to aid my blood in its battle against gravity to return to the heart. The result? Swollen, painful and tired legs.
The current pathways are faulty and cannot be repaired. There is no amount of exercise or lifestyle change that will provoke my veins to function as they should. The only solution is to remove the malfunctioning vessels and then to allow the body to grow new and healthy routes.
In the short-term, the problem is made worse. After all, minimally functioning veins are better than no veins at all. The swelling is more prominent, the pain and fatigue more pronounced. But in time, improvement is slowly found and optimal functioning is reached.
Backwards to go forwards.
Sometimes relationships develop their own faulty pathways. A suboptimal way of interacting or relating that is laid down out of habit or inattention. As a result, flow is interrupted and there is a backlog of negativity, leading to pain and the swelling of critical feelings.
And sometimes no amount of attention and exercises can modify those malfunctioning patterns. And the best thing to do is to strip them away and to start fresh, relaying new and ideally, healthier, connections.
Backwards to go forwards.
It seems a bit counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But then again, how much of our suffering in life comes not from our situations, but from our resistance to them? Maybe instead of fighting against an obstacle, we can be better served by finding an alternate course.
Much like a zipper whose teeth are misaligned has to be backed up before it can continue on, a relationship on the wrong path has to be reversed and straightened before continuing. To attempt forward progress without proper alignment only serves to jam the zipper. Perhaps causing irreversible damage.
Instead, a deliberate and careful reversal of course along with careful attention can change the outcome, bringing the two halves together. And in alignment.
Backwards to go forwards.
Going backwards feels unnatural. Often it can be painful. We grow accustomed to the pathways we have developed and even malfunctioning connections feel better than the temporary absence of attachments.
It’s easy to panic, to lose faith in the intention and the process. To think that a step back is permanent and doomed to become an unstoppable landslide.
Which is why is so important to hold a long view. To accept some discomfort today in the belief that it will lead to a better tomorrow. To focus more on the rebuilding than on the dismantling. To trust that new pathways can be forged and with them, more understanding and compassion.
To believe that sometimes the only way forward is to go backward.
And to be grateful for the opportunity to try again.
It’s been a tough few months for me. Professionally. Physically. And even and especially personally.
The kind of tough where the tears have come hard and frequent. The kind of tough where long nights have led to longer days. The kind of tough where I want to open up yet I’m afraid of breaking down. The kind of tough that calls on me to put in action all that I’ve learned over the past several years.
I’m not ready to write about much of it. And in truth, I may never choose to share much of the past few months. But I’ve also done quite a bit of thinking and now that some of the pressures are lifting, I’m ready to share some of those thoughts.
One of the hardest things in a relationship – any relationship – is to learn that you have been unintentionally bringing pain to another. It’s much easier to do than we realize. Patterns emerge, habits develop and we react instinctively instead of consciously. Inadvertently contributing to and feeding off of a negative feedback loop. A Möbius strip of unhappiness with no identifiable beginning and no end in sight.
As with any loop, inaction is an acceptance of the unchanging path. In order to change the pattern, steps – often painful and frightening – must be taken in order to sever the noose of negativity and to breathe in fresh air.
Recognize the Pattern
As with so many challenges in life, this first step is often the hardest. When we’re lost in the forest, we see the trees rather than the trail. Signs of a negative feedback loop include a sense of tension, a general uptick in criticism, positive bids for attention going unrecognized and a feeling of gears being misaligned.
Confront the Feedback Loop
This takes courage. Lots of courage. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable. A committment to speaking uncomfortable truths and being ready to listen to the same. It’s a balance of refusing to shy away from the difficult conversations and at the same time, striving to release any defensiveness that arises out of fear.
Be Open and Honest
This isn’t a time to bite your tongue. Those thoughts you hold back will fester and poison. But speak carefully with an intent to inform rather than a mission to destroy. Question your conclusions about yourself and others and be willing to consider alternatives to your assumptions. Conviction that you’re right helped get you into this place so replace it with inquiry and an unbiased mind.
Own Your Part
We judge others by their actions and yet we judge ourselves by our intentions. Regardless of the motivation behind your words and actions, listen to how they are received and be willing to make adjustments. Own your part of the contribution to the negative feedback loop and take responsibility for doing what you can to interrupt the cycle.
Seek Understanding
Assume nothing. Ask everything. Strive to see the big picture, understand the connections. It will be a process. A messy one. But a worthwhile one in the end. Because in order to untangle the cords keeping you stuck, you have to first see how they are intertwined.
Forgo Blame
This process is painful. Exquisitely so. And it’s easy and tempting and relieving to point fingers and offload blame. Easy and also pointless. Responsibility for getting into this place lies with both parties, so blame simply cancels out blame. And blaming becomes its own cycle, a viscous and ugly hold. This also extends to self-blame. Wallowing in guilt gets you nowhere. Learn backwards, focus forwards.
Step Back
Sometimes you have to take some steps backward before you’re ready to move forward again. Too much, too soon puts too much pressure and can easily overrun the new pathways before they’re fully formed. Rather than running over, try starting over.
Take Action
Staying in a loop requires nothing. Getting out requires effort. Intention. Action. Each person has to put in the work, both individually and collectively. Hold each other accountable. Hold yourself accountable. Change isn’t easy.
Stay Positive
Facing hard truths isn’t easy. Considering an uncertain future is terrifying. And letting that hurt and fear overwhelm you will ultimately destroy your chances of successfully moving past this point. Do what you can – do everything you can – to stay positive and optimistic.
Take Care of Yourself
Step up your self-care game. From nutrition, to sleep to social time, make an effort to address all areas of wellness. When one area is out of whack, it can be helpful to fortify the others so that they can help support you. And right now, you’re emotionally depleted. So feed your heart and soul in healthy ways.
Focus on Language
Be aware of how the other person hears and receives caring and loving thoughts. Make an extended effort to “speak” in the language that they hear. Both of you are fragile right now. Take care.
Be Patient
It takes time to build and settle into a negative feedback loop. Accept that it will take time to disassemble it as well. Be patient yet persistant.
Remember That You’re On the Same Side
Both of you want to be heard. To feel safe. And to feel loved. You want the same things even if you need them in different ways.
And remember that sometimes what we think of as the worst actually turns out to be the best thing to happen to us.
Even though these months have been hard, I’m proud of myself. I’m coming from a place of now, not reacting from the wounds of the past. I’m scared, but I’m facing my fears instead of pretending they’re not there. And I’m confident that I’ll be okay no matter what the future holds.
Some infidelity is easy to spot. The inhibitions fall away with the clothes and the couple is doing things they wouldn’t want to be caught doing.
But other behaviors are much more nuanced and difficult to identify as potentially (and usually unintentionally) sliding into an emotional affair.
Here are 5 warning signs that “we’re just friends” is heading into dangerous waters:
You’re keeping things from your spouse. Not big things, not yet. It’s the omission of small facts that aren’t really a big deal, but for some reason you’d rather your spouse not find out. Over time, those lies of omission become lies of manipulation. Stop them early.
You tell this friend things you don’t tell your spouse or they get the big news first. This doesn’t mean you have to tell your spouse everything, but they certainly deserve to know anything of significance in your life. This can be especially tricky to navigate when you have an intense job that encourages strong coworker bonds (just think of the relationships on those doctor shows!) or you have an outside passion that you share with others. Your spouse may never really “get it” in the way those that also experience it do, but you owe it to them to not exclude them from your life.
Your spouse is feeling insecure. If you’re watering the wrong grass and focusing more energy outside than marriage than in, your partner will pick up on it, even if they’re not consciously aware. And this usually results in a feeling of insecurity. That’s a sign you should pay attention to.
There’s an excitement you feel with this person that you don’t feel with your other friends. That increased energy is a sign that you don’t see this person as simply “just a friend.” It’s a signal of increased interest that can breed an emotional intimacy that could threaten your marriage. It feels good now. But are the possible consequences worth it?
You experience disproportionate guilt. You shouldn’t feel guilty for meeting a friend for coffee. So if do, it’s a sign that this meeting possibly means more to you than just a chance to catch up. Guilt is your internal warning system. It’s usually best to listen.
Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s how you can stop the slide and regain your control.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 