S**t Where You Eat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My cat is displeased.

Perhaps it’s the stress of the move. Or something she does not quite like about the new home. Or the new litter box is the wrong shade of blue. Or maybe she has also developed a basement phobia.

Regardless of the reason, she is not happy and she is letting me know.

First, by using my gym bag as her litter box.

And then the dog bed in my office.

And finally, my office floor.

And now I am displeased.

I have relocated her food from the main floor down to the basement/garage level, where it now sits near her litter box. I figure that the litter box may not be enough to draw her through the kitty door and down the stairs, but I’m betting that her food is. I’m going against conventional wisdom; I want her to s**t where she eats.

And, as I was carrying her food down the stairs, I realized that I use the same strategy in my own life.

Ewww, no I do NOT store my food in the bathroom. That would be unsanitary. Besides, I can restrain myself from using the bathroom on my office floor. I’m civilized like that.

But I do link together things that I do not want to do (my s**ts, I guess you could say) with the things I do like (my kibble, perhaps). Much like I am trying to train the cat (my goodness, dogs are so much easier in this regard!), I train myself to see the link as inevitable. If I want my kibble, I have to endure the s**t.

Today, I listened to music (kibble) while grading papers (I’ll let you guess). I enjoyed coffee (kibble) while paying bills (extra s**tty). Along the same lines, I withhold my favorite socks to wear only on long runs, I save my favorite shower gel as a reward after the gym and I enter a new item on my gratitude list every time I make a payment on the debt from my ex. None of these erase the discomfort of having to endure things I do not want to do. But they certainly make it more pleasant.

S**t is part of life. But that doesn’t mean that it has to stink.

And as for the cat, I’ll give her another week. And then her bed moves down there too.

The Small Stuff (and I’m Not Sweating)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Now that the move is complete, Brock and I have been able to shift our focus to wedding-related matters. We’ve been following up with people who haven’t RSVPed to the e-vite (maybe I should send them a GIF of a self addressed stamped envelope?:) ). I’ve been building a list of dog-friendly and vegetarian-friendly eateries in the Smokies (for some reason, this seems to be a rather short list – Asheville, please spread your influence!). I’ve made an appointment to have my hair done (even though salons are a source of strange anxiety for me) and I’ve placed the order for some Maryland crab cakes to be delivered to the cabin to surprise Brock on the eve of our wedding.

(I made crab cakes for him one year for his birthday. After nearly passing out from having my meat-phobic hands wrist deep in fish flesh, I opted for the mail order, pre-formed option. Worth every penny!).

Somehow, I managed to keep track of all the wedding related goods during the move and they now sit waiting patiently in a closet: my dress, shoes, borrowed jewelry, wedding rings and a choice of three bow ties for Tiger. Soon, they will be joined by hiking boots and walking sticks as we gather together items for our time in the mountains.

Although I’m not sure how much hiking we’ll get done.

This past Saturday, we enjoyed our first lazy afternoon in I-don’t-know-how-long. We napped (even me!), lazed around on the bed, enjoyed some non-linear, non-goal oriented conversation and topped it off with a great dinner. I know I said exhale last week, but this was the first true exhale. And it was awesome.

And I chose to let it stay awesome even when the small stuff threatened to interrupt.

As we were discussing the details of the wedding party weekend, I realized that I had neglected to order a cake (a simple sheet cake from Publix and a baby “smash cake” from a local gluten free bakery for me – go ahead and laugh at the image of me “eating” a cake like a one year old!). I started to add it to my mental to-do list and then stopped. Looked at the detail. Decided it wasn’t worth it, and dropped it.

There will be no declarations at our celebration of, “Let them eat cake.” If they want cake badly enough, they can walk next door to Publix and get some. As for me, I’d rather spend the time visiting with people I don’t see much than risking hyperglycemia from some heavily sugared concoction.

I used to let details bother me; I sweated the small stuff so much that I could have earned a second degree in Pressure Acquisition and Management.

But not anymore.

It’s like my divorce was one big application of anti-perspirant, putting all of the small stuff in perspective and highlighting its relative unimportance.

And, right now, it’s more important for me to enjoy my new home and husband-to-be, plan great lessons for my kiddos and welcome my favorite season (why, oh why does Starbucks not have a light version of the pumpkin spice latte…I haven’t had one in four years, but I’m not sure I can hold out much longer!) than it is to worry about details like cake.

Although, don’t worry dad, I haven’t forgotten the detail about picking you up from the airport.

Inside Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made the mistake in my prior marriage of attributing too much to outside factors.

(Side note: I think our words of choice are quite telling. I’ve gone from saying “my marriage” to “my first marriage” or “my prior marriage.” without any thought. Interesting. On a side side note, only 2 1/2 weeks until the wedding!)

And there were plenty of external factors to blame in the final year of my marriage. On my side, I was dealing with a horrific work environment and working long additional hours doing math tutoring. It was easy to understand why I was stressed and burned out; I allowed myself no time to relax. On my ex’s side, he was facing a scary health crisis, uncontrolled hypertension, that was defying an underlying diagnosis and treatment. He had experienced several episodes of losing consciousness and frequently felt ill.

When he seemed “off,” I blamed it on his fear and his illness.

When I seemed anxious, I blamed it on my borderline-abusive situation at work and the associated stress.

It made sense that he would be scared of his medical condition and what it might mean. It made sense that I would be carrying stress about work.

But those were merely scapegoats for the trouble within. I believe his illness was caused by the tension of maintaining the facade he created. I think I wouldn’t allow myself to relax because some part of me was scared of what I would see if I did.

The problems were inside of each of us but it was so much easier to point fingers at the outside.

But that’s not to say that the outside not impact what happens in a marriage. After all, no relationship occurs in a vacuum. I’ve been reminded of this recently (luckily in a good way!) with Brock.

When we first moved in together, I joined him in his town home. There was some stress involved. First, I was the new one in his established space – never an easy transition. Additionally, the place was on the market and so we knew that our time there was limited. The next house, the rental we just left, allowed us to jointly establish space, yet the general disrepair of the place as well as his mourning the loss of a home that he had personalized, added some negative energy. And, now for the first time, we are in a home together that we both feel good about and can establish from the beginning.

And it’s changed us.

There were certain behavior patterns or traits with both of us that I had viewed as innate, internal. But now that we are happy in our space, those patterns are changing after only a week. For the better. Although we both have generally positive attitudes about temporary situations, the stress of unsatisfactory housing had its impact.

I had been blaming the inside when this time, the fingers should have been pointed outwards.

So what’s the lesson in this?

Relationships are built upon a complex interplay between internal and external factors. It makes no sense to discount the impact of either when trying to understand or improve a situation. The outside influence can be used to your advantage, thus the often-heard recommendation to take a vacation to reinvigorate a flagging relationship. It can also harm a relationship as it applies external stressors. Don’t be too quick to place all blame on the outside but also don’t neglect its influence. The reality is that most issues in a relationship have internal and external factors. Pay attention to both.

In math, we use the acronym “FOIL” to teach the multiplication of binomials. It stands for first, outside, inside, last. This same acronym can be modified for relationships:

First, outside

Inside, last.

Meaning, first look to outside influenced on your relationship. Often times, just recognizing their impact can make a difference. Other times, you can actively work to change your environment. But then, look inside and make sure that you’re aligned there as well. If you only take one perspective, you’re only looking at half the picture.

As for me, I’m happy to be on the far side of 2 1/2 years of housing stress and I’m enjoying where we are in this moment. Both inside and out:)

 

The Five Year Plan

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had a friend (hopefully the first of many to grace this house!) over to the new home last night to check out the place and to enjoy some post-run refreshments. We were both in somewhat of a reflective mood, as she has just taken major steps into the next phase of her life and is moving on from the end of a relationship and I am looking around at where I am and contrasting it with where I was.

I looked over at her. “You know, if anyone had posed the question, ‘Where do think you’ll be in five years?’ to me five years ago, I would never have imagined this,” shaking my head with a bemused smile. “How about you, how would you have responded?”

Our answers were telling.

On my part, I was (or actually, thought I was) happily married five years ago. I was enjoying our new deck and hot tub and marveling at how much the trees I had planted had grown over the previous summer. I was frustrated in my job, but had no desire to leave teaching. Rather, I was contemplating the (very scary) decision to make the leap to switch to another school.  My life was stable and so was my five year plan.

I saw me at a new school. Perhaps my husband at a new company. I saw the final tweaks on the home we created, freeing up money for more travel. I saw the marriage continuing as it was, solid yet far from boring. I envisioned myself with more balance, yet I was not making any life adjustments to make it happen. I pictured my life continuing in a linear fashion, the future being a slightly better version of my present.

Of course, life laughed at my plans, turning my linear progression into a chaotic mass of ups and downs. It’s funny, though, as I reflect today, I’ve actually ended up pretty much where I wanted. I am just a few weeks shy of being happily married. I have a home I love and I am enjoying the process of personalizing it. I have made a positive change in my job and I certainly have much more balance. And, the crazy part is that the reality of now is so much better than what I could have imagined five years ago.

As for my friend, a five year rewind took her to the time of her divorce. In contrast to my stability at that period, hers was a time of upheaval and change. Her five year plan at the time had her remarried to a man who would take care of her, emotionally and financially. Like me, life laughed at her plans. She has dated, but not yet married. Her financial security has been tested as she left one career to return to school for another. Now that she is making inroads on her own business, she is realizing that success you create on your own is so much more satisfying than relying on the income of another.

As we sat out on the porch, we contemplated where the next five years will take us. It’s funny, when I pose that question to my thirteen year old students, they respond with such certainty. They still believe in the power of wishes. Even when I answered that same question five years ago, I thought I could control the trajectory of my life.

Now?

I have no freaking clue where I’ll be in five years.

I know what I want. I want to be in a thriving marriage (with Brock, let me just clarify that one for you, oh weaver of life!). I want us to still be in good health and to continue to enjoy our active lifestyle. I want my home to be filled with the laughter of friends and the love of a good dog. I want to sit on my porch and marvel at how the plantings have grown. I would love to be done with teaching, but to be okay if I still am. I want to have the resources to travel but to always want to come home. I want balance and peace.

The truth? The only items on the list I can control are the last two. I can find balance and peace regardless of the rest. But, please, don’t make me have to!:)

The evening concluded with a decision to pen our five year plans and to bury them in the yard, to be opened five years hence. I’m sure our time capsule will reveal many surprises and laughs, with plenty of bemused head shaking. All assuming that I still have the same yard, of course:)

 

 

And Exhale

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are finally moved in. The movers carried in our furniture yesterday and we carried out the last box not long after. Other than a few details on the main levels (and a basement man room project Brock is working on), the house is as finished as it can be (after some amazing teamwork getting to this point). I’m finished too. My body let me know in no uncertain terms last night that I have been pushing too hard for too long and that I needed to rest. Why do I always force this issue?

Even though I don’t know all of the light switches and I feel like I’m on mind-altering drugs while attempting to cook in an unfamiliar kitchen, this already feels like home. Brock and I welcomed our first sunrise here yesterday morning on the porch. Heaven.

I feel at home. At peace. Comfortable. Unguarded. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

I can really unpack, both my stuff and my heart. I’m not going anywhere.

They say you can never go home again. I disagree. Home may change but the feeling can be recaptured. I lost my old home in the tsunami that tore away my marriage. Now, I have a new home and, in a few short weeks, a new marriage, both built deliberately and with extra doses of faith and trust. It wasn’t easy and it was scary as hell but, right now, it just feels good.

And I’m going to relax and enjoy it. Much like Tiger and kitty:)

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