Give Yourself Permission

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are often our own harshest critics. We berate ourselves for the same things we respond with compassion to in others. Instead of doing the best we can, we often “should” ourselves into shame and paralysis.

 

So for today, practice being as kind to yourself as you are to others.

For today, give yourself permission to…

 

Struggle even when your struggles seem to pale in comparison to those of others.

Sometimes we measure our traumas against those of others. And when they don’t even begin to compare to the magnitude of the horror that some of faced, we believe that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. That somehow we don’t have the right to struggle because our struggles are minor compared to those around us.

Yet one trauma doesn’t negate another. Experiences are measured not by how they compare to others, but by how they compare to what you have been through. You can have a hard time even if it seems minor. Your feelings are real and valid.

 

Feel okay even when things are falling apart around you.

I attended a tragic funeral recently. And like at all such gatherings, there were moments of shared laughter as people traded stories and memories. Brief periods of respite from the pain, rising through the sadness like bubbles to the surface.

And those moments are precious. It is okay to smile even when you have tears pouring from your eyes. It’s okay to set aside the grief for a period and enjoy life. There is no rule that states that grieving and living are mutually exclusive. You can do them both at once.

 

Secretly feel relieved even when you’re devastated.

There are times when our hearts and our brains are in opposition. When we know that a loss is needed, but yet we struggle to let go. This is the death after a protracted illness or the divorce after a long period of dysfunction. We grieve outwardly, while secretly also feeling relieved that it is over.

And that’s okay, to both miss something and also be at peace with it ending.

 

Feel sad just because.

There are days when you’re just not okay. There’s no reason, at least none that you can put your finger on. You’re just sad. Or withdrawn. Or anxious.

And those feelings, whatever they are, are allowed.

When we try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel that way, we tend to only amplify the sensations. Instead, give those feelings permission to be and let them move through freely.

 

Not be at your best.

Maybe you’re the star employee at work. Or typically a Grade A parent. But not today. Today, you’re struggling to get it together. And then you make it worse by comparing your performance today to your high expectations of yesterday.

It’s okay to have days where you lower the benchmark. So maybe you didn’t prepare the normal healthy breakfast for your kids this morning and you had to rely on a fast food drive through. They still ate. And for today, that’s a success.

Not every day is going to be the best performance. As long as you still show up, you’re doing it right. 

 

Ask for help.

When it comes to this life thing, we’re all in it together. There is no reason to try to do it all alone.

Asking for help is both the greatest gift we can give ourselves and the biggest sign of courage.

Give yourself permission to feel how you feel and to accept help when those feelings become too much to carry alone.

Taking Candy From Strangers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My usual grocery trip this morning was anything but usual.

There were four lines open, four registers with glowing beacons welcoming customers.

But only one register had a line.

Employees kept trying to persuade the queued customers to relocate, to shift a few feet to the right or left in order to shave ten or fifteen minutes off their wait.

All refused.

And when they turned their faces towards me, I could the tears in their eyes.

You see, this was not a usual day.

This was Mary’s last day.

I met Mary almost three years ago when I moved and first visited that store. It was just chance, that first meeting, her register was open and the line was short. Her smile that day was genuine. Her “How are you?” was more than just a memorized line uttered for the benefit of management. Her gaze alternated between the groceries she scanned and the customers she served.

That was chance. The rest was intentional. My grocery trips were timed around Mary’s hours. I looked forward to our weekly visits. Our friendship was built in ten minutes a week, milestones exchanged and stories told over produce weighed and coupons scanned. We learned to read each other, able to tell at a glance what kind of a day the other was having. She was one of the first to learn of my new marriage and one of the first to recognize when I was headed for work overload. I learned of her struggles and triumphs as we dialoged and celebrated.

Yet, in many ways, we remain strangers, limited by the constraints of the environment where we rendezvous.

 

But some of the most important people in my life have been relative strangers.

Some of the most touching kindness has come from people I barely know.

From the policeman that arrested my ex husband.

To the gas station clerk that frequently comped my morning coffee during that year of tear-stained cheeks.

People that touched my life more than they will ever know.

 

We have expectations of kindness when it comes to friends and family. When the expectation is met, we are satisfied but not surprised.

Yet with strangers, we lead with no expectations. So when they reach out with kindness, it is even more remarkable.

A hand extended out of compassion rather than obligation.

 

So thank the Marys in your life and strive to be the Mary for someone else.

Forget what your mother taught you. Life is better when we take candy from strangers.