When You Don’t Want to Go Home

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the most painful sentences that I have ever been on the receiving end of was, “I didn’t want to come home.”

Those words were a cannonball to the gut, a sharp exhale followed by a tremulous and hesitant inhale.

Because home should be a place where you want to go. A sanctuary where you can recover from the bruises that the world inflicts upon you. Ideally, home is the welcoming hug. The safe space where your armament can be removed along with your shoes.

And so to be told that I was contributing to a home environment that brought dread instead of relaxed anticipation? Ouch.

And yet, I can understand this feeling of not wanting to come home. As I expect most of us can.

Relationships, even the best ones, are challenging. And there are times when having to take somebody else’s emotions and needs just feels overwhelming. Perhaps you’ve fallen into a cycle of negativity and you need some space to untangle the interactions. Or maybe you’re not feeling accepted as you are, which is ever more painful when it happens at home than in the broader world. And sometimes, we outgrow our home, the rigid shell binding when we crave expansion.

Pay attention to that feeling of not wanting to return home. What is it telling you?

In my old life, I always looked forward to coming home. Until that home transformed into an empty shell, a life’s vessel without its lifeblood. The floors echoed, sending out reminders of the years they had been traversed together. The walls seemed to taunt me, speaking of better times. I only managed one night there after he left, an endless darkness spent pacing the living room with a persistent hope that I would soon hear the garage door rumble open. The reminders proved too much for me to bear.

The next day, I escaped to a friend’s home. Which immediately became my home. One I wanted to return to at the end of each day. When it came time for me to establish my own space, I chose the apartment and its furnishings carefully in an attempt to cultivate a space that welcomed me back. Little from my old life occupied the space. It was a blank slate, ready to accept the imprint of a new life.

My home now welcomes me each day. It offers both reminders of the best times and the shared laughter and it also holds the impressions of loss and tears. It’s a place where I feel both accepted and challenged. And on those days when everything is just a little too much, it offers comfort and consolation.

Home holds so much power over us. It is where many of the best and the worst memories are formed. The most important relationships of our lives play out upon its floors. It receives our greatest hopes and dreams and sometimes surrounds us as we say our goodbyes.

It said that you can’t go home again. Yet as long as you accept that home changes with the years and you can rebuild at will, you can always find your way back.

 

 

8 Positive Life Events That Can Stress Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate stress. Not the frenetic energy of the I-have-a-deadline-to-meet panic or the constant fear of how the bills are going to get paid this month.

But the other stress. The good stress. The stress that sneaks in alongside positive life events. The occurrences we hope for, pray for and plan for.

Only to be surprised when the desired event is served with an unwanted heaping side of stress.

And sometimes that stress can be even harder to bear than that which accompanies life’s rough times. It’s often a surprise, and so catches people unaware. It’s less likely to receive support and understanding from others than a corresponding negative event. Even worse, we often chastise ourselves for feeling stressed when life hands us a tall, cold glass of lemonade, believing that it is somehow wrong to feel that way when others are trying to juggle lemons.

But the reality is that stress accompanies any change. Even positive transformations. And a little prior knowledge, awareness and understanding can help to ensure that this stress – and its effects – are temporary.

Marriage

Wedding planning and execution is an effective distraction from the very real stresses that can accompany a new marriage. Although not as common as it once was, this may be the first time you’re learning how to live as roommates with your new spouse. And the reality of the commitment can be daunting as you realize that you’ve promised to sleep next to this person for the rest of your life.

Add to this the questions and expectations thrown at the new couple, with the peanut gallery pushing for home-buying and child-making before the honeymoon bags have even been unpacked.

This is a stress of transition and one the newness has passed, the stress will fade as well.

Promotion

When the celebratory dinner fades, the reality may begin to set in. The increase in position will most likely result in an increased workload, especially at first. This shift in work demands impacts the entire family, as others pick up the slack at home or act as a sounding board for the newly-promoted partner’s anxieties. A promotion also brings with it an increase in income, which requires new discussions around household finances and goals. There may be geographic constraints instituted  by the new position, requiring anything from remaining in the same area to a move across the world. All of these changes requires discussion, negotiation and perhaps compromise.

And perhaps most importantly, a promotion can come with a host of expectations, from the brand of work attire worn to the right neighborhood to live in. In a culture where we so often define ourselves by what we do, a change in work status can easily bleed into other areas.I saw this with my ex, as he moved from skilled manual labor to design and management positions. He became more concerned with appearances and projecting the image of someone who is successful.

It’s important to continue to remember and tell the story of the earlier days of struggle. To emphasize the team nature of the marriage, even as the roles may shift. If you’re the partner moving up in the work world, make sure to also expend energy to nurture your family; they’re the soil that anchors your roots. If you’re the spouse whose partner has been promoted, support them and also make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Windfall

Whether it’s a lottery win or an unexpected inheritance from your great-aunt Gertrude, most of us dream of coming into a pile of money.

And most of us rarely entertain the downside of a sudden financial windfall.From the immediate, “What are we going to do with this money?” to the inevitable realization that no windfall is infinite in scope.

The sudden influx of cash can highlight any discrepancies in financial ideologies with the spender and the saver arguing over the best use of the funds. Sometimes the best decision is no decision, at least for a time. Let the money sit while you adjust to the idea of it and have time to engage in productive (rather than reactive) conversation with your partner.

New House

In most major cities, many couples struggle with the decision to buy a smaller, older home closer to the city and to work or to instead look to the far-flung suburbs with its large homes and equally generous commutes. Each has its potential stressors – the city home may be too small to comfortably fit the family and the schools may not be desirable. The suburban home entices with its low-priced perfection, but a lengthy commute can drain a person (and the family) in time.

I worry about families who decide to trade time for house size. We have neighbors who are making this move themselves in a few short weeks. And the husband will spend at least four hours on the road every day while his wife, who also works full-time, will essentially be solely responsible for their two young children. They are getting a great house and great schools. I just hope the price isn’t also great.

And even once the stress of the move is over, there is often the additional burden of being house-poor, especially in the beginning when everything seems to demand being purchased and updated at once. But at the end of the day, it’s just a house. And no structure is worth damaging a family over.

School

This one is so prevalent, I wrote an entire post about it.

Birth of a Baby

Although I’m not a parent, I’ve had the opportunity to witness this one first hand, with a couple who negotiated quite well through that first, stressful year.

The addition of a new family member – a crying, screaming, needy family member – is a huge stressor on a couple. Because the reality is hard, even when growing the family had always been a shared dream.

Celebrate your new status as a parent while ensuring that you don’t forget who you are apart from being a parent. And love on that baby while making sure that you don’t neglect to love on your spouse as well.

Empty Nest

“What do we even talk about now?” a friend confided in me after sending the youngest off to college. For most of her adult life, her marriage had been centered around child-rearing. And now with the children reared, the marriage was needing redefining. The stress of the transition caught her off guard, as she was eagerly looking forward to having more time and freedom.

Couples often come to rely on the energy and distraction of children to fill in the gaps in their own relationship. And when the children are gone, the fissures become clear and demand attention.

Retirement

Brock and I have annual practice at this one. It’s always a rough transition when the school year concludes and he has to adapt to me being around the house (where his office is located) all day long. We have to renegotiate alone time and boundaries while also taking advantage of the increased opportunities for connection. And, after a couple weeks, we usually have it all worked out. I really hope that our repeated practice pays off when we get to the real deal:)  Because from what I’ve heard from friends, it can be a doozy of a transition!

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Nothing in life is all-good or all-bad. It is an endless swirl of both joy and tragedy, celebration and strain. The only certainty we are promised is change. And the best way to find happiness is to learn to accept what life has in store while adapting to what comes your way. Peace is found not in being stationary, but in being fluid.

 

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
downsize

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Related: 7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce

Out With the Old; In With the New

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my parents divorced, my mom elected to stay in the house so that I could continue to live in the same neighborhood and attend the same school. It may have been the same house, but it sure experienced a transformation after my dad moved out. The dark wood was painted white. Old wallpaper was removed and replaced with pastel print. Out went the heavy and masculine and in came the flowers and fancy scrollwork. When pink floral pillows were placed on the pale blue sofa, I think I even made the comment, “It looks like Laura Ashley threw up in here.”

At the time, the redecoration seemed a bit extreme to me. I didn’t comprehend the obsession with change or the drive to find the perfect painting. I didn’t understand it then. But I do now.

My situation was different than my mom’s. I left the marital house behind along with everything it contained. For a year, redecorating was the furthest thing from my mind as I lived in a rented room with borrowed supplies. That green flannel comforter may not have to my taste, but it soaked up my tears without complaint.

That spring, I was looking forward to moving into my new space, an apartment down the road from my new boyfriend.

And that’s when the decorating bug hit. I fell in lust with a colorful woven throw from Cost Plus and, after much debate, purchased it even though I did not yet have a place to put it (or even the funds to buy it). I soon started making lists (and spreadsheets) of what I wanted to fill my new space. My list had to be practical; when you don’t even own a towel, you can’t spend too much money on decorations. But it was still my list. My space.

And, like my mom many years before, I grew obsessed. My status had changed. My heart had changed. My life had changed.

And my home needed to reflect that change.

Even though I had loved the oversized, dark furniture in my old home, I gravitated towards smaller-scale white pieces this time around. I introduced some floral prints, although not quite to the Laura Ashley puke standard.

It was sparse. It was clean. It was new.

It was uncluttered of stuff and of memories.

And it was mine.

 

Change begets change.

And divorce begets redecorating.

Whether it be our homes, our hair, our wardrobes or our lives.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Renovation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve witnessed an uptick in home renovations over the past several weeks. Home Depot is busier than ever, dumpsters fill area driveways and signs advertising handymen are planted amongst the flowers in many of the yards. As I walk and run the neighborhood streets, I keep track of these remodeling jobs. I take note of what is changing, from landscaping to paint to flooring to whole new kitchens. I celebrate when the signs of work dissipate and I envision the family enjoying their new or refurbished spaces.

But all too often, those signs of remodeling are followed quickly by a “For Sale” sign, the upgrades completed only to say good-bye. I get the freshening up of a new coat of paint before putting a house on the market. I understand that it’s easier to lay new flooring when the current furnishings are already disassembled and in boxes. But some of these remodels speak of dreams long held by the owners – additions that improve the house, adding decks or patios to enjoy the outdoors or updating a kitchen or bath that was dated when the house was purchased.

And that makes me sad. The thought of those improvements being put off until it is too late. The thought of the family settling over time and allowing the dreams for the space to fade. The thought that they didn’t make creating the best home for them a priority while they there.

Perhaps it makes me sad because it parallels what I so often see in marriages. The diet and exercise programs only undertaken after the papers are signed. The commitment to becoming more patient or more compassionate only embraced after the marriage is dissolved. Or, in my own case, the tendency to work too much only mitigated after the end of the marriage.

Just like you adapt to your surroundings in a home, you adapt to your marriage over time. You may have great goals and intentions for yourself and your life, but then they fade into the backdrop of daily noise. And so you let it go.

Until it’s time to put yourself back on the market. And then out come the remodeling tools.

But you don’t have to wait to create the change you want. Dream it. Then do it.

But you don’t have to wait to add that deck until you’re placing your house on the market. And you don’t have to wait to better yourself until you’re back on the market. Making the changes earlier only increases the return on your investment. Even if you do have to move.