Feeling Alone in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Many memories of my first marriage have faded over time. But there are some that are still as sharp and pointed as the day they occurred. This is one of those.

We sat in the 4th row in the left section of the movie theater. I was in the aisle seat and he was next to me. Prior to the movie, we had gone out to dinner at our version of “Cheers,” and like usual for us, had a great time without any discord or tension.

About twenty minutes into the movie, I looked over at his profile, the light from the film alternately revealing and highlighting the curve of his face. And even though he was inches away, even though we had not fought in any way, and even though he had hugged me while we waited in line to purchase the tickets, I felt like there was an impassable distance between us.

I looked around the theater and could sense the connections between the other patrons, like a web of string mapping out the relationships and bonds. And no string mapped to me. I wondered if it was noticeable to those around me. Could they sense the disconnection?

I felt alone.

Silent tears starting welling up in my eyes as I kept stealing glances at my husband. The man who had been my everything for fourteen years at that point. The man I knew better than anyone at that point. And the man that seemed like a stranger sitting uncomfortable close to me that night.

As I silently wept and continued to forgo the movie to try to puzzle through my emotions, he never looked over at me. This on its own was unusual, as he normally was quite affectionate. With the benefit of hindsight, I think he had an idea what I was sensing that night and he was actively working to pretend that it didn’t exist.

And so for an endless two hours, I sat alone with my husband. Feeling invisible.

Once the credits rolled, he smiled at me, squeezed my hand, and made a comment about the movie. He was back to pretending and I was back to believing.

Isn’t it wild how you can sit on a sofa by yourself and feel content, yet feel completely and utterly alone even when your partner occupies the adjacent seat?

That’s because feeling alone has little to do with the person physically by your side and everything to do with trusting that a person will stay by your side.

Sometimes the disconnection is overt, a partner resorting to the silent treatment or actively working to turn away. It’s a rejection. And you’re able to point to the source of the pain.

Other times, it’s more subtle. A feeling like even though you share a home, you’re living two different lives and looking out through two different windows. You’re going through the motions of doing this together, yet instead of feeling like a team, you feel like you only have yourself to count on.

And sometimes it’s situational. For example, grief is a highly personal experience. If the couple has experienced loss, it’s common for them both to feel alone because their partner is not grieving in the same way.

All relationships go through times of connection and times of disconnection. It’s normal to sometimes look at your partner and wonder, “Who even are you?” In healthy marriages, both partners acknowledge the distance and look for roads back to each other. One person can say, “I feel alone,” and the other will respond with, “What can I do to show you that you’re not.”

Feeling alone becomes a problem when it’s chronic, when it’s ignored or when the distance is created and maintained intentionally by one or both parties. And feeling alone can have some huge repercussions as it erodes your self-worth and leaves you with a low-level hum of constant rejection. Your body becomes more prone to illness as your brain begins to attack itself in an attempt to make sense of the emotional isolation.

 

If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, it’s time to look closer –

 

– Is your partner pulling away? Are their energies focused elsewhere?

-Are you the one creating distance? Maybe you want connection but you also fear getting too close and becoming vulnerable.

-Has there been a situation that only one of you is facing and the other has little experience with? Or, has there been a loss and you’re grieving in your own ways?

– Have you brought up how you’re feeling? If so, what was the reaction? Has there been any action (not just words) towards rebuilding connection?

-Are you putting all of your needs on your partner? Are you asking your partner to be something they’re not?

-Do you feel less alone when you’re away from your partner than when you’re with them? If so, that’s a very telling sign.

 

7 Reasons People Withdraw in a Relationship

 

It’s kinda funny isn’t it? How we stay in a relationship past its expiration date because we’re afraid of being alone, yet we tolerate feeling alone while in a relationship? And what’s even crazier that being alone by yourself (once you get over the fear of it) is SO much better than feeling alone while you have a ring on your finger.

 

Shame: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on by stilllearning2b
shame

Is shame at the root of your relationship problems?

In most discussions of the common relationship killers, the usual suspects are named: infidelity, finances, addiction, abuse, changes in external demands, or a growing distance between the partners. Yet, there is a silent relationship killer that often lurks underneath those commonly listed reasons and is a contributing factors to many reasons cited for a relationship’s demise. A condition that affects many, yet is rarely recognized and even more infrequently discussed.

Shame.

 

Shame is poorly understood; it is often seen as interchangeable with embarrassment. Yet they’re not the same. You’re embarrassed when your zipper fails and you have to resort to staples to get through the day without an inadvertent indecent exposure charge. You’re ashamed when you live and work alongside financially secure people and you’re wearing pilled and tired attire because you cannot afford new clothes. In the first case, the problem is with the item of clothing. In the second scenario, the clothes are only the surface. The real issue is deeper, perhaps a feeling of being unworthy and inferior.

 

Shame tells you that you are not enough. 

 

Shame is a hidden condition. It hides behind happy faces and lives inside enviable homes. It’s often ignored. Frequently misdiagnosed. And almost always malignant, spreading its blight throughout.

The causes of shame are variable and are often embedded in childhood where the message was either explicitly received or inadvertently assumed. The child that feels unwanted can become an adult burdened by shame. Children who are raised around addiction often assume the blame for the disease. Those that face unending criticism or unachievable goals may continue to feel “less than.”

 

Shame strips you of your power. It makes you feel small and vulnerable. 

 

Shame is toxic to relationships. It encourages secret-keeping by insinuating that if revealed, the person will no longer be loved or even accepted. Shame creates distance between the partners as one feels unseen and the other feels excluded. Shame becomes the elephant in the room, unspoken of yet so big that it has its own gravitational pull. Shame says, “You’re not okay. And if people discover that truth, you’ll be discarded.”

 

Shame wants to be hidden because exposure removes its leverage.

 

Holding on to hidden shame is ultimately a losing battle. It grows like dough set out to rise, stubbornly overflowing its barriers. It manifests in unhealthy behaviors, everything from overeating to toxic masculinity.

And many of those unhealthy behaviors are potentially relationship-destroying.

 

Shame and Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are myriad and complex. And shame is a companion to many of those justifications. When someone is feeling shamed, they may be tempted to exert their power wherever they can. It’s a childlike, “I’ll show you,” reaction that can have disastrous consequences. When feeling less than, any attention from somebody who is “forbidden” will be especially attractive, especially if the shame is anchored in ideas around sex (think about the common Madonna/whore complex).

 

Shame and Money

When a child first realizes that their family does not have the same means as the others, it becomes a shameful secret to keep hidden. No matter how much material success is found in adulthood, that early lesson may remain tucked away. For others, this shame begins when a job is lost or when illness steals away the ability to earn. Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on earning power (especially for men), leaving those on the lower end of the spectrum feeling as though they are inferior.

 

Shame and Addiction

This is such a complicated relationship. If addiction is in the family of origin, shame was a constant companion from the beginning. many people try to silence their shame through the use of substances and then the addiction in turn feeds the feelings of shame. Notice that the first step in any twelve step program is braving the influence of the shame and being willing to admit to having a problem.

 

Shame and Abuse

In the typical abuse cycle, the frustration and discontent builds until there is an eruption of fists or angry words. Then, a feeling of shame and regret prompts the abuser to attempt to make amends. Until the energy builds again and the cycle is repeated. The abused also may feel ashamed, believing that they deserved the mistreatment (hint: they don’t).

 

Shame and Distance

It’s impossible to be truly close to someone who is secretly battling shame. They have walled off a huge part of their history and their psyche. They are afraid of letting you in, of letting you see. So instead, they play a role and pretend to be the person they wish they were. And the most unfortunate and unfair part? You will likely be accused of not understanding them even though you have repeatedly tried.

 

Shame does not have to be a permanent condition.

 

In fact, the remedy for shame is actually pretty simple (although far from easy) – talk about it.

Shame tells you that you’re the only one. Talking about it provides the opportunity for you to hear, “Me too.”

Shame tells you that you will be rejected. Supportive comments and reactions allow for you to be seen and accepted.

Shame tells you that you have to carry the burden alone. Sharing it means that the load is dispersed.

Shame tells you that you’re broken.

Revealing the cracks lets the healing light in.

 

Are you struggling with moving on? Life at the Intersection of Yesterday and Tomorrow is for you.

 

 

You Are Not How You Feel: 8 Ways to Create Space With Your Emotions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a tumultuous week in this country. Emotions are running high and are leaking out like steam under pressure, burning those caught in its path. Anger, fear and doubt are butting heads with celebration, optimism and certainty.

The yoga class I attended this morning ended with a lovely meditation on loving detachment. We so easily identify with our feelings. “I’m scared, therefore this must be dangerous.” “I’m sad, so this loss must be catastrophic.” “I’m angry and you must have done something to provoke that.”

Yet even though we feel these things, we are not these things.

And just because we experience these feelings, it does not mean that they are true.

When we are too close with our emotions, we become perceptively impaired, listening to what is bubbling up from within rather than observing what is around.

Great peace can come from taking a step back, creating space between you and your feelings. Not to deny them or to judge them, but to notice them and accept them.

It’s the difference between standing out in the storm and watching the deluge through the window.

Here are ten ideas on how to come in out of the rain:

1 – Write From a 3rd Party Perspective

When big life stuff happens, we often identify with it. Allow it to curl up and nestle in our hearts like a cat by a hearth. We become that thing that happened. The betrayed. The abandoned. The lost.

I felt all of those things at first. Saw myself as all of those things. And I was tired of it. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my journal and wrote my story, not as myself, but as a 3rd party looking in.

The shift of perspective meant that I couldn’t describe the feelings, only the physical manifestation of the emotions. Instead of waxing on about the pain, I could only comment on the anemic and hollow look in my eyes.

The exercise was so effective at separating me from the overwhelming emotion that I turned to it often during that first year. It was a powerful way to remind me that even though I felt these things, I was not these things.

2 – Pay Attention to the Physical Sensations

Emotions can be elusive. Trying to identify and name them can sometimes feel like trying to catch smoke with a butterfly net. It’s often easier to pay attention to the physical manifestation of certain emotions. The tightness. The shaking. The exhaustion. The upset stomach. The headaches.

Strive to become an expert at recognizing and interpreting your own body’s way of communicating with you. And if that underlying emotion is still too much to face, try addressing it indirectly by attending to the physical manifestations. It’s amazing how much interfering with that feedback loop can help.

3 – Remind Yourself of the Fallibility of Your Emotion

Have you ever been completely worked up about somebody’s response before you even initiate the conversation? *raises hand with a sheepish smile* Your emotions running as wild as a two-year-old on a sugar high? And then the conversation happens. And maybe the response you expected occurs or maybe it doesn’t. But you find, with surprise, that you’re not nearly as reactive as you anticipated.

In some ways, our emotions are quite smart. They prick up their ears when something doesn’t feel right, giving us a warning of impending and subtle danger. They buzz with uneasy energy when things are off kilter and vibrate with anticipation when things are in alignment.

Yet in other ways, our emotions have the intelligence of a guppy. They don’t always learn from experience and they fail to temper their intensity with reason.

In those moments when you’re codependent with your emotional state, remind yourself of those times when your emotions were not an accurate representation of reality and allow yourself the idea that perhaps they are exaggerating now.

4 – Practice Mindfulness

Meditation. Prayer. Repetitive exercise. It doesn’t matter the modality as long as the intent is to practice being in the moment and learning to become at ease with stillness and the twinges of discomfort.

Mindfulness teaches us that emotions come and go. It helps to promote an acceptance of the limitations of control. It reminds us that even though we have limited domain over what enters our mind, we can choose to be a quiet observer. It teaches us to focus on one breath at a time, using rhythm and repetition to soothe. Mindfulness trains us to find the center of calm in a mind wracked with storms.

5 – Name Your Feelings

Once you name something, you have gained a level of understanding of that thing and a sense of perspective. When you’re standing in an emotional storm, seek to identify and name the feelings that you’re having. Not in a judgemental way, but more out of quiet detachment – “Oh, this is loneliness.”

You don’t have to do anything with the feeling. Just recognizing it helps you to see it as a separate entity and it promotes a greater sense of control.

6 – Find Your People

When my divorce happened, I remember believing that I had to be the only person with this experience and with these feelings.

Oh, was I ever wrong.

I felt misunderstood in my usual group of friends and family because there, I was the only one with this particular tale. So I cast a wider net, looking for others that had been through the same. Looking for my people.

And I found them. Unfortunately, more than I ever imagined.

By listening to and reading their stories, I learned that these emotions that seemed so personal were actual a common reaction. And I found comfort in those stormy days in the thought that others had felt this too.

7 – Make Lighthearted Fun

Humor has an immense power to disarm even the most potent foe. When your emotions are beating you down, try making fun of them in a lighthearted way. It shifts your mind and reminds you that it’s usually not all that serious (even when your emotions are trying to tell you otherwise).

8 – Talk it Out

When we try to hide all of our emotion, to lock it away in a deep, dark cupboard, we send ourselves the message that our feelings are something to be ashamed of. And shame is a powerful and malignant force.

Bringing your emotions to light in a safe space helps to provide some distance between you and your feelings. You are no longer responsible for trying to keep them hidden away. Instead, you can let them out where the illumination helps to promote understanding.

snip20161113_14

Remember, you are not the storm.

You are simply the observer.

The sun is always there within you.

 

Do’s And Don’ts When Your Partner Withdraws

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be quite painful when you sense that your partner is pulling away or retreating within. It’s easy to climb the panic ladder, following a trail of assumptions that determine that the withdrawal is a sign of a fatal condition.

And yes, withdrawal is a sign. A sign that something is unbalanced in your partner’s world and he or she is attempting to reinstate equilibrium. And that’s often an inside job.

So what’s your role when your partner withdraws? What actions are better avoided and which ones will render aid to the situation at hand?

———-

Don’t take it personally.

When somebody pulls away, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that they’re pulling away from you. Yet that’s often not the case. In fact, here are 7 reasons that people withdraw in relationships. And many of those have nothing to do with the relationship at all.

And yes, maybe this particular withdrawal does originate from the relationship or perhaps it is a sign of a negative pattern of communication. But nothing good can come from reaching that conclusion prematurely.

Don’t smother.

My childhood dog was a free spirit, a wild child that always viewed an open door or loose dirt beneath a fence line as an opportunity for adventure. The first few times she escaped, I would run after her in desperation.

Which only made her run harder.

Eventually, I learned to sit still and she would often come to me.

When we are afraid of losing something (or someone), we often respond by grasping. When we feel suffocated by something (or someone), we often respond by running.

Don’t withdraw.

It can be painful to feel a distance between you and partner. Lonely. Isolating. And some respond to this pain by retreating inward themselves. And yes, it can feel safer behind that door. But two locked doors are more difficult to breach than one.

Don’t obsess.

Don’t provide sanctuary for a mindworm that feeds upon your fears. Your cyclical thoughts only serve to make you miserable; they offer nothing in the form of resolution or peace.

Don’t enable.

If your partner is making poor choices or refusing to seek assistance when it is obviously necessary, refrain from enabling those behaviors. Think tough love. Not sacrificial love.

———-

Do set boundaries.

Struggle is no excuse to act sh*tty. You do not  have to tolerate any and all behaviors. Decide where your boundaries lie. Communicate them. And then stand by them. Here is some further information on boundary-setting.

Do take care of yourself.

You’re in a tough spot. A position of helplessness and alienation. So be kind to yourself. Step up the self-care. Rally the supporters. Seek connection and reassurance from safe sources. Never allow one person to determine your worth.

Do seek an explanation.

You deserve to know what is going on. It may be that your partner does not have the words or ability to understand his or her own actions yet. You may need to be patient while being persistent that it is their responsibility to dig into the root causes of the behavior. And just how patient you will be is up to you (see boundaries).

Do be introspective.

While your partner is dealing with his or her own stuff, take an opportunity to examine your own thoughts and beliefs. I often see spouses giving up when their partner refuses to participate in couple’s counseling. When often, this is a great time to seek help by yourself, for yourself. It is a great time to examine patterns and assumptions that you may carry that impact your relationship.

Do offer support.

You and your partner are a team. And team members step up when one is taken down.

———-

Remember that you cannot control another’s actions, only your response. You cannot force your partner to come out of hibernation. But you can decide how you will survive the winter.