How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

 

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How to Take the Emotion Out of Dealing With a Difficult Ex

 

Even though my ex husband left my life, he left his impact behind in the form of tens of thousands of dollars of debt that fell on me to repay. Every month when I had to make those payments, I felt like all of the emotional progress I had made was washed away. I would grow angry, fearful and despondent all over again as I was forced to face the ugly reality. It wasn’t physical contact with him, but it was a monthly appointment with his presence that I was required to keep.

It’s one of the more common dilemmas faced by my coaching clients: “I’m doing great and then I have to see my ex and I feel like I’m back to square one.” Some are like me and have been left cleaning up the mess their exes left behind. They have to find a way to balance their responsibilities with their emotional wellbeing. For others, they have children and regular contact is required for the sake of establishing some sort of co-parenting relationship. So for them, the question becomes one of maintaining the children’s relationship with the other parent without sacrificing yourself in the process.

 

Rename and Reframe

When you see your ex, your brain floods with memories of who they were to you. Perhaps you remember the halcyon early days or the pain you felt when you discovered that they had been unfaithful. You’re viewing them through the lens of a spouse, a partner, and remembering the ways that they failed you in that role.

Those memories carry a powerful emotional punch. A punch that leaves you winded and spinning. So take a step back. That person on your doorstep is no longer the one who held you and then hurt you; they are simply your children’s other parent.  You can even label them this way in your phone’s contact list.

 

Pay Attention to Your Physical Sensations

Does your breath become more rapid and shallow when you hear your ex’s car pull into the driveway? Maybe you can feel the prickle of rage run down your back when you see their name show up on your phone. For me, any reminder of the financial mess caused a physical sensation of nausea and panic.

Simply by being attuned to these sensations helps to keep them from running amok. Be aware of how your body responds even if you feel like you can’t alter it at this point. Label the sensations with non-judgment – “Oh, my hands are sweaty and trembling.”

 

Ask Yourself, “Why Does This Still Bother Me?”

Name your feelings and trace their roots. You are no longer married to this person, so why are their words and behaviors still able to trigger you? You may be dealing with some unresolved pain from the divorce. Or maybe this activated some long-buried childhood wound. And sometimes the response is merely one of habit, reacting in the way to which you have become accustomed.

Regardless of the reasons, one of the best ways to deactivate a trigger is to dig into it to remove its power source. Spend some time with a therapist, your journal or a trusted companion and explore why you’re still responding so strongly.

 

Bookend the Contact With Positive Activity

Contact with the ex has the potential to ruin several days if you allow it. There’s the building anxiety leading up to the contact, the actual confrontation and then the recovery period.

In order to limit the effects to the actual contact, bookend the encounter with positive and engrossing activity to help distract you before and shift you out after. Limit the amount of time and energy available for anxiety and rumination.

 

Practice Mindfulness

Begin some sort of mindfulness training to help you find your inner calm regardless of what is happening in your world. Meditation often talks about learning to view the storm through the window instead of being in the storm. You cannot control the rain, but you can learn to find some distance from its impact.

Mindfulness is also powerful because it trains you to accept what you cannot control and teaches you how to have mastery over your breath and to some extent, your thoughts.

 

Rehearse Your Responses

If your ex has a tendency to push your buttons in search of a response, take some time to rehearse what you are going to say ahead of time. Practice this with somebody else or in front of a mirror. Repeat it until it becomes rote, devoid of emotion.

You cannot keep them from poking at you, but you can refuse to engage. Having a pat, non-emotional response is a great first step.

 

Don’t Be Their “Person”

Some exes still look to their former spouses to have their emotional needs met. I even know of people who turn to their ex partner when they are having difficulties with the person they left the marriage for! It can be difficult after divorce to transition into the new, more distant, roles after years of being a team.

If your former spouse is turning to you for emotional support and advice, inform them that you cannot fulfill that role anymore. It is no longer your responsibility to be their shoulder to cry on or their sympathetic ear.

 

Temporary Outsourcing

There are times when any contact is simply too painful to contemplate. Be creative – are you able to outsource any of this to automation or to a third party? Be aware that this approach is a bandaid, a temporary breather so that you have the time and space needed to create the necessary emotional distance.

 

Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally 

Whether your ex is a malignant narcissist seeking their own gains without consideration or a lost and wounded soul who can’t seem to get themselves together, their actions say way more about them then they indicate about you. So don’t take their words or behaviors personally.

If they are generally a bad person, remind yourself that this is simply their approach to everyone. If they are struggling, find a place of detached empathy for them and seek to understand the motivations behind their words or actions.

 

Gratitude 

This was my greatest tool in the years I was a prisoner to the debt my ex left behind. After every check written, every bill paid, every debt collector spoken to, I would add an item to a list of something that I was grateful for that I would not have had without the divorce.

It’s easy to focus solely on the bad in the situation, to allow the negativity to flood out your senses. By taking the time to force yourself to list the positive effects, you’re expanding your perspective and training your brain to look for the sun behind the clouds.

 

Find Your Power

In high school, I picked up the sport of fencing. At the beginning, I excelled in the drills but fell apart in the bouts when my opponents actually had the audacity to attack me.

“You know what they’re going to do,” my coach hollered at me one day from the sideline, “So why do keep reacting the same way that allows them to score a point?”

And he was right. I knew the moves my opponent was going to attempt. I had no control over their attacks. But I could lunge out of the path of their blade or parry differently so that they lost their opportunity.

It changed my view of the bouts. I was no longer focused on what my opponent was going to do to me. Instead, I learned and practiced how to responds differently so that their attacks landed less frequently and with less force.

One of the hardest parts of divorce is the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that comes with it. And when you’re allowing your ex to dictate your moods and responses, you’re giving your power away.

Take back your power. Take back your life.

 

Six Compelling Signs It’s Time to Ask For Help

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ask for help

I’ve never liked to ask for help. Even as a toddler, I would improvise tools to reach light switches or fold up my blanket in order to avoid having to rely upon somebody else.

Fast forward to adulthood, and my, “I got this” attitude only increased. At work, I would volunteer to take on all of a project in order to avoid the inevitable frustration of waiting for others and the seemingly inevitable disappointment with their final product. When sick, I would downplay my symptoms in an attempt to limit the burden on others and would soldier on despite the pain. And in relationships (yes, including my first marriage), I would stoically insist that everything was under control even as I panicked inside.

As it turns out, that stubborn insistence to handle everything alone isn’t healthy and it also isn’t sustainable. Yet for those of us that are often perceived as “the strong ones,” it can be a challenge to even recognize when it is time to ask for help, whether it be an extra hand, medical assistance or emotional support.

ask for help

Here are six signs that it’s time to admit your limitations and call in some support:

1 – You’ve Been Trying to Make a Change With No Lasting Success

You recognized that something needs to change and you make both a promise and a plan for yourself. At first, it looks promising. You’re making headway and beginning to feel better.

But then something happens to knock you off track. Maybe it’s some external pressure or your internal narrative. Regardless, you soon find yourself back at square one. Only this time you’re feeling a little less hopeful and a little more defeated.

Often we don’t ask for help because it feels like we’re admitting defeat when we accept that we cannot do it alone. But failure doesn’t come from setting yourself up for success; failure comes when you don’t allow yourself to receive the tools you need to reach your goals. When you’ve exhausted your own knowledge or skillset and have yet to make lasting progress, perhaps it is time to ask for help.

2 – The Issue is Beginning to Impact Other Areas of Your Life

Sometimes an issue becomes too big to ignore. For me, one of the key signs that it’s time to ask for help is when something has ballooned to the point where it is beginning to impact my ability to sleep and/or eat for more than a couple weeks. Experience has taught me that once that point has been reached, I will end up in a catch-22 downward spiral without some sort of assistance.

When your sad mood begins to impact your work or your nagging health issue starts to limit your ability to exercise, it’s a pretty clear sign that it is time to ask for help. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement and understanding to help reset and other times we may need more tangible assistance. Either way, it’s easier to tackle big things with help by your side.

3 – You’re Consistently Overly Emotional or Defensive

We are terrible observers and reporters of our own reality. We often get so caught up in the stories that we tell ourselves that it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to see the truth. And then to make matters worse, we often cling furiously to the stories we tell ourselves, becoming emotional or defensive when anyone threatens to unravel our yarn.

Have you ever attempted to remove a difficult splinter on your own? It’s challenging, isn’t it? You anticipate the pain and so you flinch before the tweezers even touch the flesh. And then once you summon the courage to search for the foreign substance, you find it difficult to dig deep enough as your pain receptors scream at you for your assault. Often, we claim defeat, not because the task is impossible, but because we allow ourselves to believe that it is too difficult.

The same thing happens in other areas of our lives (even in response to something as seemingly innocuous as household chores). When we’re too close to something, we feel it rather than see it. So when your emotions are consistently running high or you find that you’re responding defensively to something rather benign, it’s a sign that it may be time to ask for help.

4 – You Have No Idea Where to Begin

You know you need something to change. What you have clearly isn’t working. Yet when you think about the situation, you become overwhelmed at its enormity and subsequently shut down. You’ve tried prioritizing. You have written down steps. But still you doubt yourself and your judgment.

Uncertainty about the first steps is a clear sign that it’s time to call in a certain type of help – the guidance of someone who has walked this path before. This mentor can provide you with the wisdom that only comes from experience. They can gift you with the knowledge learned from their mistakes and embolden you with the hope of their success.

5 – Multiple People Have Expressed Concern For You

Many of us have a tendency to stubbornly insist that we’re fine (even to ourselves) despite hard evidence to the contrary. We brush off the pain as just the aftershocks of an old injury or downplay the pervasive thoughts that tap out dissonant chords upon our synapses. “It’s not that bad,” we tell ourselves through gritted teeth while we attempt to wipe away our tears.

So it can come as a shock when you learn that your mask of “okay” hasn’t done its job and others begin to inquire about your well-being. It’s easy to get irritated at this concern, reading it as intrusive or as a sign that we’re weak or incompetent. Yet in reality, this attention is often a warning sign that you’re ignoring something that really does need attention and that maybe you need to ask for help in order to address it.


6 – You Are Consistently Trying to Escape Your Reality

When we’re not happy with something, we often try to avoid looking at it (ever closed the door to a room to avoid seeing the clutter?). If you’ve noticed that you’re spending increasingly more time invested in escape strategies – substances, social media, unhealthy relationships, shopping, eating, etc. – it may be a signal that you have something you’re trying to escape from.

One of the reasons that we often need to ask for help in these situations is that while it’s easy to identify the escapism behaviors, it is often much more difficult to identify and address the underlying causes of those behaviors. This is where the perspective of an outside observer can be beneficial; they will help you see what you cannot on your own.

There is no shame in asking for help. Admitting your limitations is a sign of strength, not weakness. Displaying your vulnerabilities takes great courage and a willingness to accept a helping hand requires humility. Sometimes asking for help is just as important as giving it.

Five Steps to Making a Difficult Decision

Posted on by stilllearning2b
difficult decision

I was twenty-two years old, newly married, a full-time student and a homeowner when my then-husband was laid off from his job. My part-time front desk job and four-year plan to secure a masters degree in physical therapy were suddenly no longer viable options. I needed to act and I needed to do it quickly.

And that’s often how life operates – we are faced with difficult choices under pressure with no clear-cut answers. Here are five steps you can take when you find yourself at a challenging crossroads with more questions than answers:

 

1 – Distinguish your needs from your wants.

This may be harder than it appears at first glance. Our wants often scream louder than our needs and try to convince us that they must be attended to. Conversely, our true needs often wear disguises, afraid to make their presence known.

Wants will often arrive with a more emotional response, picture the tantruming toddler denied their desired treat. Needs are often more practical, less enticing and harder to identify. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and decide where you need to begin. You may be surprised how often that’s at the first step of having basic physical needs met.

 

2 – Establish your priorities.

This is often the stage where we are subject to undo external influence, where we fall sway to pressure to do things a certain way. Slough off the “shoulds.” Don’t worry about what “looks” right to the outside world. Don’t think about how many Facebook likes your decision will receive. What are your priorities?

What is most important to you may change throughout your life and in different circumstances. Strive to be curious here rather than judgmental. There are no wrong conclusions. By taking the time to identify your priorities, you are more likely to make a decision that honors your core values and beliefs.

 

3 – Identify the options that are off the table.

This step is key. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of wanting things to be different. To feel as though we’ve made a decision yet that decision requires someone or something about the situation to change.

Be honest with yourself. If you can’t directly alter the situation, eliminate that option. Disregard any “solution” that relies on someone else to change in the way you believe would be beneficial. Similarly, exclude any possibility that is anchored in magical thinking. Limit your options to the ones that are really and truly available to you.

And be aware – the ones you have to eliminate are often the ones that seem “easy” and the ones left behind often feel scary and even impossible. That’s often a sign you’re moving in the right direction.

 

4 – Generate a ranked list of the pros and cons of the available options.

Once you’ve whittled down your choices to the ones that are available and have a good chance of meeting your needs, write out the known pros and cons to each decision. Then, rank each potential benefit in the pro columns and each potential consequence in the con lists.

You may find that one choice carries the biggest risks yet also the greatest potential gain. Or, you may find a clear winner where the most impactful benefits are clustered without many significant detractors. We often become so emotionally invested in a decision that we fail to take all of the possible cons into account. This step can provide some needed clarity.

 

5 – Choose one possibility and act.

You’re not looking for the perfect choice here (it may not even exist). You’re seeking the good enough option. Make a choice, shelve the others and make the leap. Make a commitment to invest 100% in your decision for a set period of time. If you give it your all, it has a chance of success. If you only partially dedicate your energy, it will likely fail.

And then at some predetermined juncture, re-evaluate. Is this choice still working? Does it need to be retired or merely tweaked?

 

Here’s how this played out in my life almost twenty years ago:

1 – I need a degree. Stat. One that directly leads to a career with stability and a decent paycheck. I need to find a way to earn more money while I’m completing this degree.

2 – I want to be able to help people and need to know I’m making a difference. I enjoy working with math and science.

3 – My desire to go into physical therapy is no longer on the table. My wish for my (then) husband to have a career in a steady field is out of my control.

4 – Once my lists were made, I could see that some options were riskier than others. And risk was not what I was seeking at that time.

5 – I made the choice to enter into teaching. And apart from a few breakdowns when I’m overwhelmed, it has been a rewarding and stable career that capitalizes on my skills.

 

Big decisions are never easy. Choosing one door often means nailing the others shut. There’s a balance between rushing into action without much forethought and spending so much time debating that you avoid action.

Assess your situation. Make your choice. And then take that step with the trust that your decision will lead you the right direction.

How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

After Divorce: The Compelling Case for Detached Compassion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“My ex was such a big part of my life my so many years, I can’t imagine not being friends with them.”

“After what my ex did to me, there’s no way that I can ever forgive them. I’m just so angry.”

“I just heard that my ex is already dating again! Can you believe that?!?”

“My ex keeps asking for my advice. I want to help, but I always end up feeling rotten after the call. What should I do?”

I’ve heard them all. More than once.

And even though the situations are all different, they all have a common theme.

Attachment.

Only now that you’re divorced, those bonds have become restraints.

“A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done.” Ram Dass

Yes, it would be awesome for you to be able to be friends with your ex. But that tricky navigation will take time and (I’m sorry to say) may never happen depending upon your circumstances. Be open to the possibility, explore the option if you’re interested, but release your attachment to the outcome.

Yes, your ex did you wrong. Way wrong. And you have every right to be angry. But the misdeeds have already been done. That’s over and no amount of anger can change that. The rage that you’re holding is holding you back, causing you even more pain that the initial injury. Releasing it doesn’t release your ex, it releases you.

Yes, your ex jumped quickly into the dating scene. Maybe even before the marriage over. It’s hard to see them with somebody else, hard to not feel as though you’re being replaced. Your interested because you’re used to being interested and perhaps because you’re hoping to uncover some signs of their unhappiness or their new partner’s shortcomings. Accept that your life is no longer tethered to theirs and if you need to feel as though you’re doing better, focus on building you instead of looking for their defects.

“The more attached we are to a vision of the future, the less present we are to what is actually trying to emerge here and now.” Peter Merry

Yes, your ex keeps reaching out to you. Perhaps they’re used to depending on you for advice and guidance. Maybe they’re playing around with the idea of rekindling a romance with you. Or maybe they’re just playing you. Your emotional reaction to the contact is your sign that your boundaries are being tested. It’s too much and/or it’s too soon. Yet, on some level, the contact feels good. Normal. And it feels good to be needed. Yet, by allowing yourself to put in this role, you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in this role.

The solution?

Compassionate detachment.

It works if your ex is a potential friend down the road or a foe of the worst kind.

It’s applicable if you have to maintain a co-parenting relationship or you will never see them again.

It’s effective in every situation because it only depends on you and your reactions, not on your ex.

Compassionate detachment means that you take a step back. It’s the difference between being soaked in the storm and watching the rain through the window.

Compassionate detachment means that you find a place of empathy for a fellow human being. It’s the difference between squishing the ant on the sidewalk and allowing it to go on its way.

Compassionate detachment does not preclude the opportunity of a friendship; closeness can always be found down the road.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no consequences; if your ex behaves poorly, it’s not your job to protect them from feeling the effects.

Compassionate detachment does not immediately extinguish your impulse to know what your ex is doing; the preoccupation will decline as you maintain the distance.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no boundaries; establish guidelines to protect yourself and help them when you choose to.

And finally, compassionate detachment does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It means releasing the emotional attachment to the event and the person.

Strive to lead with compassion and detach from the outcome.

“Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.” Kathleen McDonald