Guest Post: The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Adriana Verdad

 

You Should Date Yourself

After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.

So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.

I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.

Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.

As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.

As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.

Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

You’re Not Ready to Date Until You Have These 7 Things In Place!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I put the cart before the horse when it came to dating after divorce. I invited dates to take part in the drama that my ex husband directed. I looked to my partner for the day for emotional support and validation that I was desirable even after being rejected. And I even allowed my date’s views of me to shape my own self-image.

Overall, I made the experience much harder than it needed to be because I didn’t have these seven things in place before I started dating:

 

The Volume Turned Down On the Drama

“Can you believe my ex said that? He is such a narcissist.”

“She didn’t show up at school to pick up the kids. Again.”

“I saw her in his Facebook feed again. Ugh. She’s young enough to be his daughter.”

Divorce brings with it immense change and overwhelming emotion. And when those two collide, drama is sure to ensue. And even though the theatrics are often negative, it is easy to habituate to the intensity and excitement until drama becomes the norm.

If your life currently resembles an episode of reality television, it is not yet time to craft a profile on OKCupid. Rather than acting as a stabilizing influence, bringing somebody into an unstable environment only accentuates the turmoil. Wait until your life is more documentary and less Real Housewives before you enter the dating scene.

A Supportive and Diverse Friend Group

 

There is no doubt about it – divorce is isolating and can often leave you feeling lonely and rejected. It can be so tempting to turn to dating to meet your social and emotional needs, to feel loved and lovable.

Yet, if you approach dating with this need front and center, you will find that you are unsuccessful in attracting emotional healthy people. Additionally, you are placing an unfair share of your needs at the feet of another.

Before you focus on dating, spend time and energy building and fostering your platonic friend group. Your goal is to have all of your social requirements met so that when you do date, it’s out of want, not driven from need.

Time and Energy to Spare

 

First you have to write your dating profile or make an effort to get out of your usual circles. Then come the early exchanges, the tentative assessments of potential compatibility and shared interests. This is followed by the actual date, filled with nerves and expectations.

And that’s only the beginning. Dating requires a consistent supply of time and energy. And both of those can be in short supply in the early stages of divorce. Before you begin dating, ensure that you have the space and enthusiasm to accommodate it in your life.

A Passion Project or Engrossing Hobby

 

When we experience a void in our lives (such as after divorce), it is easy to become obsessive in the drive to fill the emptiness. And if you don’t have something in your life that brings you joy and a sense of accomplishment, it’s easy to turn that all-consuming drive towards dating. Often with disastrous consequences.

So before you attempt to fill that emptiness with another person, take the time to find some activity or cause that you are passionate about. Throw yourself into for a time. Use that opportunity to discover (or rediscover) what makes you tick and what makes you special. And then later, when you begin dating, you’re looking to be complemented, not completed.

A Counselor or Other Emotional Outlet

 

Your date is not your therapist.

When triggers arise or emotions become overwhelming, it is critical that you already have a safe and supportive place to vent and receive guidance. You can certainly be open with your date about your experiences and your past history, but refrain from unloading the emotion on them. That’s not their role.

Prior to accepting or asking for that first date, make sure you have your support system in place and that you’re practiced with turning to them for help.

 

Belief That You Can Be In a Healthy Relationship

 

Seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet obvious doesn’t always happen. It can be tempting to turn to dating as a distraction from the pain and loneliness of divorce. Sometimes we find ourselves “sliding” into a relationship without much foresight or intention.

And when these happen, the change in status can come before the conviction that you can be in a healthy relationship. Which often means that you find yourself in a partnership that is toxic at worst and unfulfilling at best.

Spend time defining what a “healthy” relationship looks like to you and cultivating the traits needed to make it a reality before you act.

Self Worth and a Realistic Self-Image

 

It feels great when a stranger complements your appearance or a date makes you feel desirable. Especially after the rejection and uncertainty surrounding divorce, that attention is affirming and confidence-building.

And it’s also a bit of an illusion because when you seek validation outside of yourself, it’s never enough. Work to establish and recognize your own worth independent of the thoughts and actions of others. That internal validation is always enough.

Additionally, make an effort to construct a realistic image of yourself, untarnished by the possibly harsh words of your ex or the sycophantic remarks of a prospective date.

You don’t need a partner to tell you you’re worthy.

You don’t need a date to tell you who you are.

Once you see, know and appreciate yourself, you will project that confidence and invite others to view the same.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You have to wait one month for each year you were married.”

 

“It’s like riding a horse. The sooner you get back in the saddle, the better.”

 

“After divorce, you must stay single for at least two years to truly find yourself.”

I heard it all after my husband left. Yet none of it really felt right to me. I knew I wasn’t ready to start a new relationship immediately. Even the thought made me feel a bit ill. At the same time, some trite and trivial timeline didn’t resonate either. Who was to say that I didn’t need more than a month for every year or that I would be ready far sooner than the two-year mark?

The truth is that the time needed after divorce before entering a new relationship is different for everyone and, this is the important part, only you know when you are truly ready.

You’re ready to enter into a new relationship when…

You’re not involved with somebody to spite your ex or in an effort to ignite jealousy.

 

In a moment of divorce-induced insanity, I had a notion of bringing the guy I was dating to the courthouse on the day of my legal dissolution. Luckily, my attorney was not insane and she put her foot down. My reasons for wanting him there were twofold – I was scared to face my ex and I thought my new guy’s presence would help to shore up my courage and I wanted to show my ex (who not only committed adultery, but also bigamy), that I could get somebody else.

That inclination on my part was a sure sign that I was not ready to date. In order to have a chance, a new relationship must be established independent of any previous ones. If it only exists to show vengeance or in an attempt to stir up feelings of regret and envy in your ex, it is more farce than partnership.

 

You’re not trying to replace your ex and you’re not caught up in comparing.

 

After divorce, you face an ex-shaped hole in your life. And it’s tempting to try to find someone who can fill that place exactly, like a custom-made puzzle piece. Not only is that impulse not fair your new potential partner, it’s also not fair to you. The divorce has changed you. Perhaps altered your ideas about what is important in a partner and what characteristics really don’t matter.

Rather than trying to find someone who matches what you had, identify what is important to you and which of those needs you want to be met by your partner and which can be met elsewhere. And once you’ve made that choice, refrain from comparing. It only brings with it misery.

 

You’re able to acknowledge and address your part in your marriage’s struggles.

 

Oh, did this used to make me mad! I was furious when others implied that I needed to accept my part when my ex was so obviously the “bad guy” in the marriage. But what I eventually realized that I may not have been responsible for the end of the marriage (and certainly not for all of the betrayals within), but I did play a role in the particular dynamics that allowed the malignant culture to grow. And until I was ready to accept that and address those traits (hello, conflict avoidance!) within myself, I wasn’t ready to try again.

Divorce provides you with the gift of perspective, and although it’s a gift too late to use for your first marriage, it’s one that can carry over. It usually takes some time and some distance for the emotions to fade enough that you can take a pragmatic view of your marriage and its particular dynamics. Take the time to learn how you behave and how you respond in relationships. If there are issues, address them now before you end up replaying them with someone else.

 

You’re able to manage your own emotions and triggers.

 

I was looking forward to moving into my own apartment (after living with a friend for a year) when I received the news that my ex hadn’t paid the utility bills, leaving me scrambling to find another $1,200 before I could finally start me independent life. Livid and panicked, I pulled into my boyfriend’s driveway. He took one look at me, cleared the floor around the heavy bag hanging in his garage, strapped the gloves on me and started a Tool playlist before heading upstairs.

Later, he wisely told me that if we were going to make it, I would have to get a handle on my anger. He was right. So I did and we did, marrying a few years later.

Before you are ready for a new relationship, you have to learn how to recognize and address your over-the-top emotions. Take yoga, pick up running or a pen or maybe find a therapist. Take ownership of your feelings and responsibility for their management.

 

You’re not looking for a savior or for a “perfect” relationship.

 

“You poor thing,” he said, wrapping me in his arms. “You deserve someone who will take care of you.” And at first, the offer of basically being a kept woman sounded good after all of the stress following years of financial infidelity and the limitations of the family court system. But upon second thought, I felt a horror at allowing myself to be controlled again. Because that’s what saviors do – they rescue you from one circumstance only to trap you in another.

Likewise, it’s easy to blame your divorce solely on picking the wrong person. And to become convinced that once you have the “right” person, everything will fall into place without any problems. Ever.

Newsflash. There are no perfect people or perfect marriages. It begins with choosing wisely. But that’s just the beginning.

Perfection and white knights only live in fairy tales. And you live in the real world.

 

You’re not lonely and you’re ready to take the risk of being vulnerable.

 

Loneliness is born more from our internal view and external reactions than from the people we have around us. When we are lonely, we are guarded, protected. Afraid of being seen and also miserable being isolated. If we enter into a relationship while in a state of loneliness, we set the stage for either grasping onto the other person in desperation or continuing to feel alone because of a fear of being vulnerable.

There’s wisdom behind the advice warning against viewing relationships are making you “whole” and the same concept applies to needing a relationship in order to not feel lonely. The phrase, “finding yourself” is perhaps somewhat corny, but it does apply here. You have to be okay with you and only you before you’re ready to welcome another.

Besides, loneliness is a horrible matchmaker. It simply selects the first person it sees.

 

You’re making progress on healing even if you don’t consider yourself “healed.”

 

I have the somewhat controversial view that some parts of healing after divorce can only happen once you’re in a new relationship. It’s all well and good to work through mental exercises or journal entries on trust but until you are in the position of having to put your faith in a new partner, it’s all simply pretend.

Additionally, there is no marker in the sand that declares you “healed.” It’s not a point you can define or even recognize. So if you’re waiting for it before you enter into a new relationship, you could be waiting for a very long time.

Instead of setting a goal of being completely healed, set an intention of making progress. Of having more good days than bad ones. Of doing better at managing your emotions and communicating your feelings. Of taking responsibility for your own stuff and making an effort to understand and address it.

 

You’re past the post-divorce mania stage and yet you’re excited about the possibilities the future holds.

 

There’s a common reaction after divorce that takes many people by surprise. It characterized by a sudden uptick in energy, an overwhelming optimism and a youthful, even careless, approach to life. I call this the post-divorce mania stage. It can be fun, but it’s also fleeting and irrational and certainly not a time to commit to a new relationship.

But that morning when you finally wake up excited yet rational, cautiously hopeful for the new day and the opportunities in love it may provide, that’s when you know you’re ready for a new relationship. Don’t forget what you’ve learned in the meantime.

9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Are you dating after divorce yet? I might know someone…” asks your coworker as you share the elevator on Monday morning.

“You’re dating already! Are you sure you’re ready?” questions your friend after hearing your breathless tale of the other night.

“You know,” announces your mom on your weekly phone call, “It’s not too late for you to find someone new. You’ve got to get back out there.”

“You don’t want to rush into anything,” cautions your therapist when you mention that you signed up for a dating site.

The messages we get about when to start dating again after divorce are confusing and often conflicting. And that friction doesn’t only come from outside voices, it also comes from within as we question ourselves and our motivations.

The decision about when to start dating again is a personal one. You can listen to your coworkers, your friends, your family and your professional support system, but ultimately the choice is yours to make.

9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

I took an enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool after my tsunami divorce.

Within six months of my ex disappearing with only a text message, I signed up for Match and went on an average of 8 dates a week. It sounds crazy now. And it was crazy then.

Looking back from the vantage point of being happily remarried many years later, here are some of the pros and cons of jumping back into the dating pool after divorce:

Pro: Distraction

There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Divorce sucks. And it is certainly much more enjoyable to meet somebody for a night on the town than to spend yet another night in your empty home.  The excitement of meeting new people goes a long way towards distracting your brain from your current – and possibly sucky – situation.

Con: Delayed Healing

However, too much distraction only acts to delay the healing process after divorce. Those feelings are there for a reason and they won’t disappear until you face them and process them. You have to grieve the loss of one love before you’re ready for a new love.

Feelings are like a vampire. If you try to bury them, they only come back to bite you.

Pro: A Reminder That You Can Love and Be Loved

With any divorce, but especially those that include betrayal or abandonment, the self-esteem takes a huge beating. And dating is like a salve applied to those wounds. It feels good (and a relief!) to be desired again, to be courted again.

Con: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places

It feels good to be wanted by others, but it’s no substitute for finding love for yourself. One of the biggest lessons in divorce is how to truly get back in touch with you. Don’t let anybody get in your way.

If you seek validation outside of yourself, it’s never enough. If you find validation inside of yourself, it’s always enough.

Pro: Social Companionship

Once you’re back on the dating scene, a “plus one” box on an invitation is no longer something to sweat about. You have those experiences and pictures to share on social media, sending the message to the world (or at least the part of it that matters to you) that you’re still alive and kicking.

Con: Impact on the Former Spouse and the Kids

It is hard for anybody to see their ex moving on. When you enter the dating scene quickly, you’re sending the message to your ex that you’ve moved on from them and your marriage and that they are easy to replace. A similar message may be received by any children, especially if they witness you dating.

We all have baggage. It’s how you carry it that matters.

 

 

Pro: Meet New and Interesting People 

When you’re married, your social circle tends to tighten. Dating provides you with an opportunity to meet new people and open your mind to new ways of thinking, especially if you approach it with a sense of curiosity.

Con: It’s Easy to Compare to Your Ex

When your pillowcase still smells of your ex’s cologne, it’s difficult not to analyze the metrics between your ex and your new date. Over time, it becomes easier to see (and appreciate) each person for who they are and not how they compare.

Sometimes the heart is the first to get the message. And the last to let it go.

 

 

Pro: Helps to Alleviate Pain 

Dating is an analgesic for the wounded heart. It pumps you full of feel-good hormones: raising serotonin that plummeted with divorce, supplying oxytocin that promotes bonding and adding a dash of dopamine to keep you wanting more.

Con: The Pain May Only Be Delayed

People are often surprised at the intensity of the pain felt when a relatively short-term fling ends after divorce. In fact, the pain can often be greater than that of a long-term marriage ending. Part of this is delayed and referred pain resurfacing and another part is because the new relationship was based more on hopes and wishes than reality.

Don’t simply weather the storm. Learn to harness its power.

Pro: Dating Fills Your Calendar

When your married, much of your calendar is filled with family-related activities. Divorce leaves a void. And dating can easily fill that void, replacing those empty days with something to do.

Con: Takes Time Away From Other Things

One of the hidden gifts in divorce is the opportunity to reestablish relationships with friends and family that took a back seat to your marriage. Or, it can be a time to reinvigorate a prior passion that your spouse or situation didn’t support. Dating can steal time away from those meaningful endeavors.

Life’s low tides allow time to appreciate the beauty hidden beneath the surface.

 

Pro: Create a Connection

One of the most pressing human needs is the desire to be understood and accepted. Dating create that opportunity. Even with the shortened timeline, you may find somebody that you are compatible with for the long haul.

Con: You May Expect Too Much Too Soon

Surprisingly, it can be lonelier to be on a date than to be by yourself. Once you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’ve grown accustomed to a certain level of intimacy. And that takes time to build, sometimes leaving a sense of frustration and isolation.

Relationships are formed, not found.

 

 

 

Pro: Fun and Excitement

Dating invites excitement, whether it’s attending a concert together, visiting an escape room or even a stolen weekend away. It’s like a carnival for the older crowd.

Con: It’s Expensive

Obviously, dating is expensive no matter how long you wait after your divorce to do it. But if you jump too soon, you may be struggling to pay your attorney’s fees because of your dinner tab.

My heart was broken, not my spirit.

Pro: You May Be Rescued 

Sometimes life does parallel a rom-com. Maybe you find somebody that will pay off your debts, wipe your tears and make you forget that your divorce ever happened.

Con: You May Be Used

The ugly truth about rescuers is that need to feel needed. Often at your expense. If you’re attracting white knights and enablers, you are probably sending signals that you’re broken. Is that what you want?

I don’t want a knight in shining armor. I want a man that fights by my side.

Ultimately, only you know if you’re ready to start dating again. Here are some questions you may want to consider first:

Are you jumping into dating in order to avoid your feelings?

Are you hoping to provoke a jealous response in your ex?

Are you still involved in the legal divorce process? How will dating impact that?

Are you open and honest with your dates (and yourself!) about your recent divorce and healing status?

Are you looking for your date to be your confidant or your counselor?

Are you trying to fill an ex-shaped void or looking to meet new people?

Are you realistic about the chances of a date soon after divorce turning into a long-term relationship?

In my case, my enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool paid off. I’m about to celebrate my third wedding anniversary with one of the first men I met on Match. It wasn’t an easy road; he had to be patient and understanding with me while I undertook some of the necessary healing that had not yet had time to occur.

Date when you’re ready. Stay anchored in reality. Be open and honest with yourself and others. And above all, have fun and seek to bring fun to others. After all,

The end of a marriage does not mean the end of love.

Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the chilled and vacant bed to the endless evening hours to the loss of a trusted confidant, the void left in your life after divorce can be both vast and agonizing. The emptiness begs to be filled, the cracks call for smoothing over and you try to distract yourself from staring too long at the vastness of the crater in your life.

Watch Out For These Unhealthy Ways to Fill the Void-

In an attempt to soothe the initial pain from divorce, many of us first turn to one or more of the following unhealthy (and ultimately ineffectual) methods of trying to fill the vacuum:

Filling Your Belly to Try to Fill Your Heart

 

When you’re feeling gutted and vacuous, it can be natural to turn to food for relief, mistaking the temporary physical fullness for emotional satiety. There is a very real link between emotions and food – we often speak of “comfort foods,” bring food to those in mourning and bond with others over a meal. Yet the real comfort comes less from the sustenance and more from the nourishment of the connection with others.

When you attempt to feed an emotional hunger with food, you will never be completely satisfied because you are addressing the wrong area of need. Repeatedly turning to food may have a detrimental impact on your health and will also serve to widen the disconnect between your mind and body.

Avoiding Reality With Alcohol or Drugs

 

Emptiness is uncomfortable. A sense of free falling through space is frightening. In those dark and lonely hours when you’re alone and worried that you’ll always be alone, it can be tempting to numb the pain and quiet the fear through chemistry.

And there will be relief in the moment, those blissful moments where you are able to forget reality and embrace a dream world. Yet reality always bursts back in, throwing open the door and blinding you with its harshness. Trying to avoid it only delays the inevitable confrontation and acceptance.

Bolstering Confidence With Shopping

 

It’s no wonder that shopping is a common pastime for those that are feeling down – the hunt of a good bargain and the acquisition of new baubles rewards us with a feel-good burst of dopamine. Those who have experienced an esteem hit after infidelity and/or divorce can be especially drawn to the appeal of covering the vulnerable skin with fancy clothes, new cars or a designer house.

Shopping gives us an opportunity to briefly occupy a fantasy world where the advertisements and markers have us convinced that material goods are associated with a particular life. But the thrill is always temporary, the boost short-lived. Chasing the tail of this dragon can ultimately be devastating to both your wallet and your well-being.

Distracting From the Pain by Dating

When you’re facing the heartbreak and the hollowness that follows the end of a relationship, there can be a powerful craving to experience the excitement and potential of new partnerships (even if they only last the night). Giving in to this desire too soon is like going to the grocery store hungry; you are not going to be able to make good decisions.

Additionally, when you’re still vulnerable, dating can often serve to highlight the void you feel as you realize that this person in front of you is really a stranger and that your early feelings are more hope and projection than actuality. It’s often better to wait to re-enter the dating scene until that compulsive desire to replace your partner has faded.

Passing the Time By Consuming Media

 

What is easiest is often not what is best for us. And nowhere in modern culture is this more apparent than in the consumption of media. In a moment of loneliness, we may turn to Facebook for the sense of connection, yet studies show that browsing the platform leaves people feeling even more isolated. When we’re feeling low, we easily give in to a Netflix binge, expecting to feel more rested. When instead, television (especially when consumed in binges), only intensifies feelings of sadness and fatigue.

Instead, Try These to Fill the Void – 

The previous strategies may work for a short period of time but ultimately, they will cause more harm than good as they prevent you from healing the wound from within. Instead of leaning on those quick fixes in an attempt to fill the void left from divorce, try building yourself up through the following strategies. Be patient – these methods may take longer to work than the unhealthier ones, but their results are lasting and authentic.

Finding Purpose Through Work

 

With divorce, you lose one of your major life roles, that of husband or wife. It can be an uncanny feeling as you wonder what position you now occupy and what purpose you now serve. Depending upon your particular circumstances, this can be an opportunity to allocate more of your energy into your career.

You may find that the changes in your life allow you to take bigger risks or to break out of your standard mold. Changes in your home life may have given you extra time to commit to your job or financial matters may necessitate that you undertake a new endeavor.

Often, when you’re feeling like a failure in your personal life, successes at work take on even greater meaning. Use this opportunity to recommit or reinvent your work persona. Strive to carve out a position where you feel needed, appreciated and interested.

 

Building Strength and Poise Through Movement

 

Divorce has a way of making you feel weak. Powerless. And exercise in any form is an excellent way to begin to reclaim your strength and feeling of control over your life. The best form of exercise to undertake is the one that you enjoy and that you can pledge yourself to.

It’s harder to feel powerless when you accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. It’s harder to feel vulnerable when you feel the increase in your performance capacity from week to week. As you throw yourself into movement, focusing on form and breath, the void no longer seems so vast or so dark.

If you’re struggling with sadness and isolation during unstructured hours, use exercise to build a framework around those times. If you flounder without accountability, sign up for group or team exercise so that you have others to answer to. And if you’re feeling disconnected from your body, opt for yoga or weight training so that you can again reconnect with yourself.

 

 

Reclaiming Vitality Through a Passion Project

 

What endeavor encourages you into a state of flow, where your entire focus is on what is at hand and time seems to stop? What activity did you used to enjoy in your youth or dream about turning into a career? What is something that you have always been curious about trying but practicality and circumstances have stopped you? These are hints about your passions, your interests that both consume you and fuel you.

The period after divorce provides a wonderful opportunity for pursuing or restoring a passion project. I know of people who have picked up the violin again, started stand-up comedy, written a book or chartered a non-profit charity. Others, selecting a more physical approach, sign up for a marathon or strive to earn the next belt level in Jiu Jitsu.

The “what” matters less than the enthusiasm you have for the enterprise. When you throw yourself into something that you enjoy and find success in, you breathe life back into the hole in your heart. When you’re passionate about something, you focus more on creation rather than any residual emptiness.

 

Rising By Lifting Others

 

When we’re feeling alone and eviscerated by divorce, we can easily become a captive of our own minds. The thoughts cycle and the self-pity begins to grow in our emotional isolation. Perhaps the best way to both put problems in perspective and help jettison us from our thoughts is by empowering others.

If you have children, strive to help them become strong, independent and compassionate people. Reach out to your friends and family that are in need and find ways to help to liberate them from their struggles. Help strangers through your church or a volunteer organization, selflessly sending positivity into the world. If you find people overwhelming, consider helping by adopting an abandoned pet or volunteering in an animal shelter.

Giving to others helps you feel better about yourself and also allows you to shift your focus away from your pain. As you give to others, you will find that paradoxically, you become filled yourself.

 

Generating Legacy Through Creation

Some of the most beautiful and lasting art, music and prose has been born of heartbreak. Even if you’re not destined to be the next Shakespeare or next year’s Beyoncé, you can still use your pain as an impetus for creation.

Even if it never sees the light of day, the mere act of using your sorrow as a conduit through your medium of choice helps to transform your relationship with the heartache. As you create, you’re building scaffolding throughout that void left from divorce. Scaffolding that you can then use to begin to climb your way out of the darkness.