Will I Be Alone Forever?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
alone

“It’s too late for me.”

“I’m too damaged.”

“I won’t be able to love again. To trust again.”

“Nobody will want me with all this baggage.”

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

Those were all thoughts that cycled stubbornly through my reeling mind after I was abandoned by my first husband. I was afraid that I would never again experience that greatest feeling in the world of returning to the sanctuary of loving arms after a bad day. I grew convinced that nobody else would ever whisper, “Love you,” as he slid my glasses off of my sleeping face. My mind’s eye alternated between playing slideshows of the happy moments of my now-defunct marriage and scenes from an imagined future where I grew ever-older and ever-lonelier.

It seems almost laughable to me now as I look back at that early end-of-the-world mindset that turned out not to have any prophetic powers.

It was anything but laughable at the time.

Those fears, sensing a new and fragile void, rushed in and filled every crevice with doubt about hope and conviction about despair. And I was a captive listener.

Understanding and Addressing Loneliness After Divorce

—–

There are five lies that those fears are telling you. Falsehoods that feed on vulnerabilities and insecurities at a time when our defenses are down and we crave some certainty in our torn and tattered lives.

When you start to recognize those lies, it helps to silence the fear:

Fear Tells Us Now is Always

At the end of a marriage, all you feel is loss. An ever-aching wound after a tooth has been pulled from its anchor. And when you’re feeling loss, it’s practically impossible to imagine joy. And it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that the way it is now – hurting, lonely, scared – is the way it will always be.

Yet the one certainty in life is change. Today, whether good or bad, always morphs into tomorrow, often bringing with it unexpected visitors. Right now, you feel alone. Right now, you feel unloved. Right now, you hurt. Tomorrow? Who knows?

I was so proud of one of my students the other day. She confided, “I don’t like my life right now.” There’s wisdom for all of us in her last two words. The life you have now will not be the life you have tomorrow.

And fear possesses no special powers. It holds no crystal ball. It doesn’t try to predict the future, it simply projects the worst.

Now is not always. And now will always change.

9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Fear Tells Us It’s Too Late

I was weeks shy of 32 when I was unceremoniously dumped via text message. And I thought it was too late for me to find love again. It was an absurd thought for me to have – my parents remarried after that age, I had plenty of friends who had found love well beyond their early 30s and I knew many people who were actively dating in my age range.

But none of that mattered.

Because here’s the thing with age –

The oldest you’ve ever been is the age you are at. this. moment.

You’ve experienced every age below you. And everything yet to come is merely a guess. And that fear of being alone loves to convince you that it’s all going downhill from here.

And so we remember love at our younger selves and we imagine being alone with our older self.

I have many love mentors in my life that I have looked to in times when I have been in need of hope. One couple, now happily married in their seventies, met in their sixties.

The truth is that the only time it’s too late is when you believe it’s too late.

And not a moment sooner.

My Husband Walked Into a Bar…And This is What I Learned

Fear Tells Us We’ve Lost the One

In the beginning, I wanted to date men like my former husband because all I could imagine loving was my former husband. If I couldn’t have the one, at least I could try to find a reasonable facsimile.

As you can imagine, that didn’t work out too well.

Much like the only ages we know are the ones we’ve lived, the only loves we know are the ones we’ve had.

So it’s easy to believe that the one slipped through the cracks beyond hope of retrieve.

I eventually realized that I didn’t want an ex-shaped new love. I had changed. I no longer wanted the same person. I opened up to the possibility of something new. Unknown.

Very few of us will move through our lives with only a single romantic love. Yet no matter how many we’ve experienced, it’s always difficult to imagine one more.

It reminds me of something I heard a pregnant friend say while rubbing her belly- “I just can’t imagine loving this one as much as I do the others.” Her three children played nearby. Even though she had felt and surpassed these doubts twice before, fear was still planting seeds in her mind. And no surprise, fear was wrong. She loved baby number four just as much as the others.

You may have lost one. You haven’t lost the only one.

How a Belief in a Soul Mate Is Holding You Back

Fear Tells Us We Are Doomed to Repeat the Past

Just as I was starting to get my dating sea legs under me, I was ghosted. Again. This time by a man that was speaking of a possible future and trying to convince me to stay in Atlanta instead of continuing with my planned escape out of the region.

Here’s how I saw it – Once was a fluke. Twice was a pattern.

I was doomed to be dumped.

As with many lies fear tells, this one has some basis in reality. If I continued to attach anxiously, I would cause the past to stutter and repeat.

But if I changed, the pattern would change as well.

We are not merely toy boats upon the stream, subject to the whims of the currents and the waves. Although we cannot control the stream, we can improve our vessel and learn how to better steer around obstacles.

It’s important to study the past. Not so that we know what to expect, but so that we can make better decisions going forward.

You’re only doomed to repeat the past if you’re stuck in the past.

11 Traps That Hold You Back After Divorce

Fear Tells Us It Is Reality

Fear is well-practiced at slipping on the disguises of concern and pragmatism, when really it is distracting us from rational thought. It pretends that it is telling us the harsh truths we need to hear to make us better while holding us back with ties of fiction. Fear pretends to whisper the future when it is actually keeping us prisoner of the past.

—–

Fear makes for a poor life coach.

Time to fire your fear of being alone.

Learn to embrace this pause. This moment between. This period when you’re unmoored and unattached.

And be open to tomorrow. Be open to possibilities. Be open to love.

Dating After Divorce: What About the Kids?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dating after divorce

Dating after divorce?

I’ve known my entire adult life that I didn’t want kids. My first husband was in agreement and volunteered to get a vasectomy at 22, soon after we were married (try finding a doc willing to do that procedure!). All was good on the childless front.

And then I ended up single and back on the dating scene at 32. An age where my body (as far as I know) could still have babies and many age-appropriate men either already had them or would soon want them.

I was in the position to revisit my former decision never to have kids. And I realized that my position was not based on my former husband. Not only did I not want to have them, I didn’t want to be in a mother role of any kind.

I further made the very deliberate decision to never date anybody with kids. And I was very up front (even on my Match profile) that I never wanted kids. In fact, kid issue was one of the only deal breakers for a first date.

Some men tried to convince me that it was okay because they never saw their kid(s). That only made it worse (trading dad for deadbeat dad…).

One man assumed that I only wanted to avoid pregnancy for appearance reasons and concluded that I wanted to adopt. That was just absurd (stretchmarks don’t bother me, it’s the living, breathing endless responsibility I don’t want).

I encountered some great men (and seemingly great dads) that were kid- and family-oriented.

And I still said no.

Partly for me.

But mainly for them. Because I knew that I wasn’t what they were looking for and I didn’t want to waste their time (or risk their kid’s hearts).

And now happily married to a man that also didn’t want kids (reaffirmed after a stay with a 2-and 4-year-old over the holiday!), I’m very glad I made that choice to be vocal and committed to my personal choices.

But not everybody agrees.

—–

A woman wrote in to Dear Prudence recently who was in a 4-month relationship with an older man who had a 5-year-old son. The woman expressed her concern about being ready to date somebody with a kid. The response was to not worry about the kid yet and just be in the moment.

If the writer wanted kids in the near future or was even open to the idea of a kid, I would agree.

But she seemed unprepared for that step.

Fine for her.

Hard for the guy.

And potentially devastating for the kid.

I’ve watched friends stay in dating relationships too long for the sake of the partner’s kids.

I’ve witnessed the struggle when a non-parent and doesn’t-want-to-be-a-parent partner has to learn to accept their 2nd place position to the kids.

And I’ve seen kids, jettisoned once by their parent’s divorce, try to come to terms with abandonment by a parent’s partner.

Parenthood, either by biology or association, is a huge commitment. One that I believe should be taken deliberately and with the utmost care and consideration.

But of course, that’s coming from someone who has made the choice to avoid it.

So, I’m curious about your thoughts. If you have kids, would you consider dating someone who was ambivalent about children? If you don’t have them and you’ve decided you’re not ready to be a parent, would you be open to dating somebody with kids?

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.

 

5 Simple Rules For Your Online Dating Profile

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Building your profile on an online dating site after divorce is a daunting task. You’re going from “off the market” to available and looking, perhaps after your “lifetime guarantee” proved to be a lie. You are no longer the person you were the last time you were dating and you no longer are interested in the same people. Your self-esteem may have tanked along with your self-knowledge, leaving you hesitant and uncertain.

So how in the world do you construct a dating profile that enhances your assets, attracts the kind of person you want and refrains from revealing more than you intend?

Follow these 5 simple rules –

1 Activate Curiosity

It’s easy to try to tell anything and everything in your profile. Resist that urge. Instead, focus on sharing just enough to make somebody want more. After all, that’s what inspires a person to message you. Think about parts of your personality that seem to be in opposition or interests that you have that would usually contradict each other. Capture a potential date’s interest by placing these at the beginning of your profile.

2 Avoid Red Flags

I was amazed at how many profiles I saw when I was dating that waved red flags in my face – diatribes about crazy exes, self-defeating paragraphs about current life status or signs that somebody needed a therapist more than they needed a date. But the most common flags? The subtle ones that either make a person come across as too independent or too needy. The best way to avoid red flags is to have a trusted person read through your profile before you publish and give you honest feedback.

3 Tell the Truth (But Not the Whole Truth)

Divorce isn’t final? Disclose that. Have sole custody of four kids? Put that in. Heavier than you wish you were? Tough; record your honest weight. However…don’t add the details about the divorce drama, the stress of caring for the kids or your conflicted feelings about your weight. Those supporting details are better added later and in person. Overall, be honest – you want somebody who wants you for you and hiding the truth is a sure sabotage.

4 Don’t Try to Please Everybody

You aren’t trying to create a profile that will please everybody. Unless that is, you want to date everybody 🙂 So many profiles are bland, avoiding anything that might offend or alienate. But the result is like the beige wall of internet dating – not a turn off, but also not all that interesting. Be you. Show the weird. You will inspire some people to move on. But that’s okay because they’re not a match.

5 Use Pictures That Show What You Love (Not What You Fear)

Choose your pictures based upon how you felt in the moment they were taken more than how you feel looking at them later. So often, people select photos that unintentionally reveal their insecurities – airbrushed perfection hiding image concerns, action pictures concealing a fear of risk or status symbols belying a fear of not being successful. Instead, find those pictures that make you feel good about you as you are. Not as you wish you were. That confidence and joy will show and speak louder than any Pinterest-perfect pic. I promise.

8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
relationship fast

Are you worried that your relationship is moving too fast?

It’s so easy to get carried away when you first meet somebody you’re attracted to. The oxytocin is flowing, the possibilities seem endless and you’ve yet to learn how annoying they can be on a long car ride. And sometimes that early intensity moves quickly into exclusivity, commitment and even cohabitation well before you even know much about your partner’s inner workings.

The following are 8 common reasons why relationships move too fast:

Fear of Being Alone

I see this fear in ever-increasing numbers in my friends as we all move towards middle age and beyond. It often seems as though it is better to have somebody than nobody, and so a new love interest is quickly catapulted into the role of “life partner.” Some people are aware of being motivated by a fear of being alone, while others are not conscious of the reasons behind their drive to be coupled.

It can be isolating when you’re not in a primary relationship and the fear that you will always be alone can solidify into conviction, prompting a ride on the fast track into partnership. But, as you may have experienced, the wrong relationship can be far, far worse than no relationship and there is no greater loneliness than that of feeling alone in a relationship.

Afraid of Losing “The One”

A belief in a soulmate, a perfect-fit partner, can create a desire to grasp onto someone out of a fear of missing out on “the one.” Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t commit soon, they’ll walk away. Or maybe they even presented you with an ultimatum. Regardless, the belief in a soulmate can create a sense of urgency, much like a one-day-sale at a department store encourages you to pull the trigger on a purchase.

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are many people that can be a good fit for you. And “the one” is part found (similar values, right timing, etc.) and part grown (developing intimacy, communication, history). That second part cannot be rushed. Or if it is, you may find later that the relationship is only partially developed.

Confusing Hormones for Love

There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is so exciting – you’re literally high. Stoned on oxytocin, your body telling you to bond and bond fast. And it’s easy to listen to that siren song of lust, spending every waking moment you can with your new obsession and running into a relationship.

Oxytocin is powerful. But it’s also blinding. Would make a major life decision while you’re drunk? Because if you’re pledging yourself to another while still under the effects of those early hormones, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Only Know How to be Committed

This was the one that got me when I started dating. When you have been married or in an exclusive relationship for a long time, it is all you know. And so you may approach dates as though they are a date night with your spouse. Not because you intend to move too quickly, but because commitment is what is known and comfortable.

Like anything, dating takes practice. Refrain from seeing only one person if you’re afraid you’ll slip back into commitment like a pair of fuzzy slippers. Learn to navigate through those early “getting to know you” weeks and months before you think about what comes next.

Continue to read the rest.

 

Pages: 1 2