6 Powerful Ways to Create Your Own Closure After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
closure divorce

I was seeking closure within hours of the unexpected text my husband sent informing me that he was leaving. Feeling powerless at the lack of communication and information, I sat in front of the fire pit feeding photos, notes and letters into the hungry flames.

I hoped that the ritual would help me find acceptance that it was over.

But my pursuit for closure had only just begun.

—–

Months before walking out on me, my husband ended a job. He gave them two weeks notice, had a sit-down meeting with the owners where he explained his reasons for leaving and he maintained open lines of communication so that business matters could be transferred smoothly.

I received none of that courtesy. And for the better part of a year, I fixated on that fact, convinced that I needed him to provide explanations and even excuses that would allow me to close the door on our marriage.

I became obsessed with understanding the “why” behind the marital explosion, certain in my belief that this was key to moving on. I played around with labels –  narcissist, sociopath, addict – in a bid for understanding. But none of those designations brought peace.

I was frustrated. Furious, actually. I felt as though he had stolen my voice by sneaking out without contact and that he carried my chances for closure with him. It was the heartbreak that kept on giving.

Finally, I grew tired of the snipe hunt for closure as the legal proceedings wound down without any real answers or resolution and he continued to act as though our marriage had never happened.

And so I shifted my focus, putting my energy into me instead of funneling it into the black hole that he had become.

And the strangest thing happened.

I found peace.

And isn’t that what we really mean by closure?

Closure is an acceptance of what has happened, a sense of power over ones own well-being and a feeling of moving on.

And none of those require the participation of the other person.

You have everything you need to create your own closure. Here’s how –

  1. Understand the Limitations of Explanations

It’s easy to get caught up in the belief that as soon as you receive an apology, you’ll be able to move on. Or that once you hear that you were the love of their lives, you can let go. Be honest with yourself. Is thereanythingthat they can say that will erase the pain? Are there any words powerful enough to bring everything to an emotionless close? The words you seek are the ones you need to hear, not the ones that they need to say. Once you accept the limitations of any explanations that your former spouse can give you, it’s easier to move on without them.

You Don’t Need to Understand in Order to Move On

  1. Find or Create Meaning

We naturally seek to find order and purpose in our surroundings. And so when something, such as divorce, is discordant, it causes pain and confusion. Look within the ruins of your marriage for some hidden gifts. Maybe you now have an opportunity to move back to the city that always felt like home. Perhaps you’re finally getting in touch with who you are. Or it could be that this rock-bottom is turning out to be an impressive foundation for a new and improved you. If nothing is immediately evident, create purpose in your post-divorce life. When something has meaning, it’s easier to accept the changes that had to place to get there.

  1. Write the Letter You Want to Read

I know this sounds strange, but I promise it is one of the most powerful exercises you can do. Write a letter from your ex-partner to you, saying all of those things that you need to hear before you can move on. Don’t censor yourself, allow the words to flow and probably the tears too. And once it’s written, read the letter. And then read it again. Keep reading it until you believe the words within. After all, what you’re looking for is really just proof that you were loved, that you will be remembered and that you are worthy of love again. And you don’t need anybody else to tell you that.

Powerful Ways to Use Journaling After Divorce

  1. Start Your Next Chapter

Life isn’t like a book; you can start the next chapter even while you’re still wrapping up the one before. Don’t fall into the trap of waiting to live until you’re healed. Invest your energy into your life and allow the healing to happen alongside. A big part of closure is releasing some of the pain from the past. And a great way to lessen pain is to focus on cultivating joy.

  1. Don’t Obsess About Closure

Are you stalking your ex’s Facebook page in a quest to see them looking miserable? Are you endlessly dissecting the end of your marriage looking for explanations and reasons? Are you giving the detritus from your marriage more power than it deserves, destroying pictures and hiding trinkets? This obsession with finding closure will only serve to delay it. Closure comes from living in the present, not from being consumed by the past. If you’re struggling with this, try instituting boundaries – delete social media accounts, have a plan for distraction when your mind wanders into dangerous territory and redecorate your space to create a clean slate.

  1. Don’t Take it Personally

 

I eventually realized that my own roadblock to finding closure was that I was taking my ex’s actions personally. He not only did these things, but I was convinced he did them to me. Because of me. Over time, I started to understand that I was just collateral damage in his own battles, not a target to be obliterated. And that was a powerful realization. When it’s no longer about you, it’s much easier to let go and to move on.

You have the power to flip the sign on the past to “closed” as you step powerfully into your new life.

And on the other side, here are three times where you shouldn’t seek closure.

 

Three Reasons NOT to Seek Closure

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was good at coming up with excuses.

I must send him another email (even though he didn’t respond to the first two) so that he knows the impact of what he’s done and it might prompt him to apologize.

I have to contact the police about his bigamy because it is a crime and he should face the legal consequences.

I need to look at his other wife’s blog so that I have an idea if he’s going to show up to court.

I read through scores of emails and stared at countless images of his face, all in the name of finding closure.

Yet with every message I sent his way, every piece of evidence collected for the court case, every glance at the other wife’s blog and every peak at his face or his words, what I was really doing was reopening the wound. Delaying healing all in the name of closure.

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The concept of closure is a malleable one. Generally, people use the term to signify that they have harvested any lessons from the situation, found acceptance and are ready to move on. In that sense, closure is a respectable and desirable goal. The problem arises when the pursuit of closure is used as justification for detrimental behaviors.

 

Using Closure as an Excuse to Maintain Contact

It’s rarely easy limiting contact with your ex during a divorce. For some, they miss the companionship and reach out under the guise of “talking things out” in order to maintain the familiar friendship. Others bombard their ex with questions, convinced that they need these answers in order to understand the demise of the relationship. (Hint: You don’t actually need to understand in order to move on.) And then there are those like me that maintain “virtual” contact by following the ex’s actions online, with the pretense that the other person’s actions are somehow important to your own happiness (Spoiler alert – they’re not.).

There’s a reason that “no contact” with the ex is recommended whenever possible (and it’s possible in pretty much every case without children and can often be limited even when kids are in the picture). Whenever you have exposure to your ex during the healing process, the scab is ripped off and the wound reopened. Go back and look at the ultimate goals of closure – learning, acceptance and moving on. You’re not going to find any of those by seeing your ex smiling alongside some new hottie on their Instagram.

 

You’re Wanting Things to Be Different

Sometimes, closure really means, “I’m not happy with the reality and I’m going to keep poking at it until it matches my vision.” You can become convinced that if you ask the right questions or just dig deeply enough, you’ll discover that things aren’t as they appear.

In my case, I wanted evidence that he was remorseful for his actions. I convinced myself that I needed an apology (I didn’t) or at least some scrap of information that would demonstrate that he did love me and that he was heartbroken over the consequences of his choices.

This type of closure is in opposition to acceptance. Whenever you’re dictating what you want to find, you’re trying to make reality match your wishes. And that’s a losing battle.

 

When What You’re Looking for Doesn’t Exist

In seeking closure, many of us are looking for the neat and clean ending that wraps up most fictional stories. We want the lessons presented in an easy-to-understand format. We want the protagonist to find happiness and we want to see karma bite any bad guys in the tale. All of this makes for a great movie ending, but it doesn’t exist in the real world.

Life is messy. Any lessons that you can learn from your divorce won’t be found in a distilled moral to the story. Your happiness will be variable and karma may be stuck in traffic. Closure doesn’t mean that you will never again feel the pain and it doesn’t mean that you will forget. Closure simply means that you’re willing to let the past go.

And if you’re using closure as an excuse, maybe it’s time to let that go too.

 

And if you’re looking for healthy ways to create your own closure (that don’t require the participation of your ex), read this!

 

6 Powerful Ways to Create Your Own Closure After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
closure divorce

Do you feel stuck after divorce?

Are you waiting for an apology or an explanation?

Do you want to be able to find closure from your divorce and move on?

If so, I have some good news for you. You CAN find closure. And you can do it alone.

Here’s how!

Closed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to be obsessed with finding closure.

I pursued it with the intensity of Tiger chasing a tennis ball, convinced that it contained the peace I so desperately needed. I yearned for it at night and awoke frustrated when it hadn’t been gifted to me in my slumbers. I kept searching for the one thought, the one idea, the one fact that would seal my past away behind an air-tight door. I feared that closure would not be possible within the limitations my circumstances provided. I worried that I was dependent upon him to create that closure. I was concerned that I needed an apology or at least an answer to form that seal against the pain. An answer and apology that I knew I would never receive.

I started to believe that my closure would forever be incomplete, a door ajar allowing the whispers of the past to carry through.

And that thought scared the hell out of me. So I used that fear to drive my search for the elusive closure. I had to be creative since I had few answers and even fewer signs of remorse.

Closure is closely linked with understanding. If we know why something happened, it’s easier to accept its occurrence. But sometimes circumstances don’t allow us to sift out the truth from the past. But you can create your understanding even when you don’t have all the answers.

I started my search for understanding by learning about and systematically affixing labels to him: sociopath, narcissist, addict, etc. None seemed to truly fit, but they allowed an anchor for understanding. Next, I assembled pieces of the past like a giant puzzle, looking for patterns and ideas that fit. Slowly, an image began to emerge of a man that carried a dark passenger, a man that was defeated by his shame and his secrets. My conclusions may be accurate or they may be entirely woven of fiction. But it doesn’t really matter where understanding comes from; it brings relief regardless of its origins.

I had hoped that understanding was enough to bring closure. It was not. It answered the “why” but still did not alleviate the pain. My anguish was still a doorstop propping open the door to the past. So I focused on being thankful, using gratitude to soften the sorrow. Allowing the perspective of the bigger picture to bring purpose to the pain. And it helped. But closure was still hiding. I felt like there was still some unanswered question that kept me from being able to reach a conclusion.

Eventually, I tired of the search. I stopped looking for what I couldn’t seem to find.

I figured closure would remain a dream for me.

But then I drove by my old house last Friday and felt nothing but gratitude. And I realized that I had finally had it. My search for closure is now closed.

Sometimes the best way to find something is to stop looking for it.

Sometimes you have to trust that doors will continue to open before you can close the one you came in through.

And sometimes dreams do come true.