Confirmation Bias in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Election season has now reached a fervent peak around the country. My weekly runs take me by countless yards with campaign signs stabbed in their soil as though the occupants are laying claim to virgin land. The radio ads cause whiplash, with one party’s claims following the other, blaring rhetoric in an attempt to sway votes at the last minute.

There’s a reason that political campaigns are so heavy-handed and in-your-face. They are up against an enormous hurdle in their attempt to change our minds.

The politicians are trying to overcome our confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is an innate trait that we all possess to varying degrees. It states that we have a tendency to seek out information that corroborates our beliefs. It says that we are rarely neutral researchers in life, rather we form hypotheses and then seek out confirmation that our conclusions are correct.

In other words, we look for proof that our opinions are true and we actively ignore or discredit information that threatens our beliefs.

In the political arena, we gravitate towards legislators that echo our conclusions about civic matters. We support those that tell us that we are right and those that threaten our views are often met with intense disdain.

But confirmation bias doesn’t just exist in the poll booths. It’s everywhere. It’s one of the reasons that scientific papers are peer reviewed. It contributes to teachers not grading their own students’ high stake tests. It influences dating when we gravitate towards those that reflect back our own principles. If we believe we are fat, we see the flesh above the waistline; if we believe we are skinny, we focus on the exposed bone structure. It’s why we respond differently to someone wearing a suit than someone whose underwear is exposed above sagging jeans. Bias is behind the success of optical illusions and Hollywood movies. Bias is everywhere.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias is powerful. Even with relatively mundane matters, it still drives down to our core self. Our egos don’t like to be told they’re wrong. Confirmation bias can lead to elaborate choreography to try to shore up our beliefs and the construction of huge blinders to avoid the recognition of anything that threatens our opinions.

Part of the power of confirmation bias is our inability to recognize it. Countless studies have demonstrated that even when people protest that they are acting without bias, that they still gravitate towards confirming information. It operates below our level of cognition and influences every encounter.

So what does confirmation bias have to do with marriage?

Everything.

Because you have a mental construct of your marriage. Of your spouse. Of your relationship and roles. And whether you are aware of it or not, you seek information that substantiates these conclusions while ignoring data that doesn’t align.

It’s one of the reasons that people (myself included) can be blindsided by divorce or infidelity. We believe that our spouse is trustworthy, and we are biased towards evidence that supports our belief. Because if we allow ourselves to see the other data, it not only threatens our view of our spouse, but also of ourselves. After all, if we were wrong about that, what else might we be wrong about?

It’s a slippery slope that’s scary to tread. So we don’t.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias in marriage can also work the other way. If a spouse has concluded that the marriage is garbage or his or her partner is awful, evidence will be mounted to substantiate the claim. One episode of nagging or stonewalling will be added to the tally, while days or months of good behavior is tacitly ignored as a case is built against the spouse.

We see what we want to see.

Given that confirmation bias is innate and subconscious, can we learn to be nonpartisan in our views of the world? Can we learn to see what is and not only what we believe?

Yes and no.

The biggest weapon against confirmation bias is the knowledge that it exists and the acceptance that you are not immune to its siren’s call. Because when you find yourself defensively proclaiming that you have considered all of the information, it’s a good sign that you haven’t. In fact, the more emotional you are about a situation, the more likely it is that confirmation bias is present. Strive to release the ego that says that you can’t be controlled by bias and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.

Confirmation bias also helps to regulate fear. It provides an illusion of certainty and predictability. In order to consider other views, you first have to be willing to let go of the security blanket your bias provides. It comes down to trusting in your own strength and resiliency.

Welcome situations that provide new perspectives. Observe loved ones in interactions with new people or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes. Invite others to share their viewpoints and work to consider that they may be accurate in their conclusions. Even if it threatens your beliefs. Especially if it threatens your beliefs.

Ultimately, it is impossible to be completely impartial in every situation. We believe the person we spend the most time with – ourselves. And we see what we want to see.

eyes

Sleight of Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4

 

Our minds are so skilled at focusing on one thing to the exclusion of others. We see what we expect to see. We look to verify our assumptions.

Sometimes our brains filter information so that we can focus on the most important information. Other times, our brains take shortcuts so that we can free up processing space for more pressing concerns.

But other times, our brains perform this sleight of mind in order to distract us from the real issues at hand.

I had someone contact me recently who was concerned about the attentions his wife gave to another man while they were separated. Because it was less painful to focus on that man than on the changing feelings of his wife.

I have a friend whose husband is suffering from a degenerative disease. She is focused on creating a home. Not because she doesn’t care about her husband, but because it is an area that is safe for her brain to tread.

After my ex left, I focused my attentions on the legal process and on trying to label him. It was too excruciating to process the loss, so my brain looked the other way.

We want so badly to have control. So we choose to focus on those things that we feel like we can change or command.

But remember, just because you didn’t see the bear, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Your brain is a powerful magician.

But you can learn to see through its tricks.

 

The Impersonator

Posted on by stilllearning2b

With the advent of the warm weather, Brock and I have taken to practically living on the porch. The house is surrounded by mature trees and shrubs, which provide food and shelter for numerous birds. And squirrels. Always squirrels.

We enjoy sitting with our beverages and watching the live Nat Geo production unfold around us. Several weeks ago, Tiger became interested in the drama, taking an unusual obsession with one corner of the deck where a small tree has wrestled its way through the concrete that surrounds the driveway. We noticed that a blue jay seemed to take special interest in the beast around the same time, often protesting the dog’s presence with loud squawks while practicing an aerial routine fit for the Blue Angels.

During one of these early episodes of bird vs. pit bull, I heard the unmistakable screech of a hawk from high up in a maple that towered above us. I scanned the branches, looking for the large bird that was sounding the warning.

“Look. There it is! It’s a blue jay!” exclaimed Brock, pointing to a much smaller bird than expected whose beak was indeed moving in concert with the avian screams.

I had to chuckle. When the warnings of the blue jay weren’t enough to frighten Tiger, the clever bird decided to impersonate a much larger hunter.

Tiger, being a confident sort of dog, was unimpressed.

But I was.

I had fallen for the ruse, believed that the cry came from a hawk on the hunt rather than its songbird cousin.

It led me to contemplate all of the impostors I have encountered in my own life, from my ex husband pretending to be loving to an innocent basement impersonating a dragon’s lair. I had fallen more than once for the mask, not looking to see what was really hidden in the depths.

Mimicry is ubiquitous in the animal kingdom.

And it’s important to remember that we are members of that kingdom as well.

Things are not always as seem.

Take the time to look. To listen.

Be more like Tiger who approached without assumptions and let his other senses connect the dots to conclude that there was no threat (not that he would find a hawk all that frightening either!).

And less like a human, leading with the ego of experience and expectations.

 

And I’m happy to report our little deck-side drama has a happy ending. A little searching that day revealed a nest buried down in the small tree next to the deck. Inside the nest were three newly hatched blue jays, blindly looking for their next meal. We trained Tiger to avoid the area for the next several weeks as we watched the young birds grow and eventually leave the safety of their nest.

And we haven’t heard the screech of the false hawk since; the need for the mask has past.

photo-20

 

(Ass)umptions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I read a post this morning by Matt on You Must Be This Tall to Ride that got me thinking about assumptions. Assumptions, both intentional and otherwise, have played a major role in my healing and my view on relationships.

We make assumptions to fill in gaps in information. Our brains hate these voids and they seek to fill them with what makes sense to us and aligns with our views of ourselves and the world (related: How to Apply Labels).  At the end of a relationship, these assumptions can take three main forms: Self Blame, Other Blame and Compassion.

Self Blame

This is often where the depression after a breakup can come into play. You see yourself as broken, defective. You assume that bad things happen to you because you are somehow bad. Or weak. Or unlovable.

In my case, I went through periods where I assumed he left because I was too horrible to be with. I believed that I must have done something so terrible that he had to lie and leave. These beliefs were fed by others who asked what I did to cause him to respond in such a way and, most painfully, these assumptions were reinforced by the suicide (attempted) email he sent my mom and his other wife. He wanted me to assume full blame and, for a time, I did. I believed I was unlovable.

Self blame is a slippery slope. Others often encourage it. The more you look for it, the more it is reinforced. It can have an element of martyrdom, “I sacrificed myself…” Taking responsibility is good; assuming all culpability, however, retards healing.

Other Blame

These are the assumptions that hold us in the victim role. This is where we assume that the intent of the other is to inflict harm and that every action has a malignant motivation.

I was an expert in this one. I assumed he carefully crafted his deceptions solely to harm me. I pictured him calculating the most painful responses, the most hurtful actions and then carrying them out while delighting in my pain. I assumed that he must have some sort of personality disorder and that he was incapable of empathy or pain of his own. I believed that he never loved me and that he was simply a puppet master for 16 years.

It’s interesting and upsetting for me to realize that I even acted this way at times within the marriage. If he did something “wrong” (like forgetting to let the dogs out), I assumed it was intentional. I held both of us to such standards that mistakes were not allowed. Ouch.

Other blame is comfortable. It preserves our own self worth while avoiding any responsibility. It’s a self-feeding cycle that can be difficult to break. But just like assuming all responsibility does not allow healing, avoiding it also keeps you stuck.

Compassion

Assumptions are made when we lack knowledge or understanding. As information comes in, it is important to release or readjust the assumptions. At the end of a relationship, it is easy to picture your ex as your adversary, attacking with a sharpened blade. That blade is often double-edged, harming each partner in its own way.

In my case, I have never had a conversation with my ex to hear his side. I don’t expect I ever will. I have had to fill in the gaps, acquire the information on my own, in order to try to adjust my maladaptive assumptions. (related: Forgiveness 101)

Instead of talking to him, I have listened to the stories of others. Asked questions. And listened to responses.

With each new piece, I adjusted my assumptions.

I now assume that his troubles were rooted in childhood and triggered by the loss of a job and subsequent earning potential.

I now assume that he struggled with addiction in some form that possibly started with the job loss or even before.

I now assume that he did love me. But now I know that love for another is not enough.

I now assume that he was in pain. Lost. Scared. It doesn’t excuse his choices, but it helps me to understand them.

None of those may be true. But it doesn’t really matter. Rather than place blame, they bring compassion. Peace. Understanding.

If I find out more information, I will adjust them again. However, for now, those assumptions are fine. Balanced. Rooted in understanding rather than blame.

I have also softened quite a bit in my new marriage. When I make assumptions of intent, I err on the side of compassion. If Brock forgets something, I first inquire about stress at work or worry about a friend. It’s not always on point, but it does no harm to assume the positive while you’re gathering information.

The saying is that assumptions make an ass out of you and me. They certainly can. But only if you are as stubborn as an ass and refuse to alter your assumptions with time and knowledge.

What’s more important to you – holding on to your assumptions or finding peace?

I thought so:)