Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?

 

You know not to alienate the children from their other parent.

From the day this all began, you vowed to not withhold the children from your ex. And you’ve stuck to your word, fulfilling every scheduled visit and being careful not to not restrict access.

Yet you’re starting to see that access isn’t enough to maintain a parent/child bond and you’re worried for the kids as you see the distance growing between them and their other parent.

So you try to step in, to encourage the kids to connect and to compel your ex to put forth more effort into establishing a relationship. You beg, you implore, you question and you grow increasingly frustrated at the situation. You struggle to understand why they’re not prioritizing the kids and every time you see your kids disappointed, your heart breaks a little more.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –  

You can’t create, maintain or improve the children’s relationship with the other parent. All you can do is provide access and refrain from mudslinging. The rest of the work is up to them.

What you can do is to continue to be there for your children and reassure them that their parent’s behavior is not their fault or their responsibility. You can teach them empathy and help them understand that even adults struggle to manage things sometimes.

Your ex may step up and form a relationship with the kids sooner rather than later. They may keep their distance for a time, only to develop a meaningful bond with their adult children. Or, as much as it pains you, they may never connect with their children. Let go of the illusion of control over that outcome.

 

You know not to badmouth your ex in front of the kids.

Chapter 1 of How to Divorce With Kids is, “Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the kids.” Everyone knows it and most try to follow this guideline, setting aside their own feelings for the sake of the kids.

So you bite your tongue when little ears are listening and save your tirades for more private times. You carefully craft your responses to difficult questions to avoid implicating your ex.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

You have to make an effort to not compromise your ex’s new partner in the minds of the kids. Which, in cases where this new partner entered the picture before you left, is a very difficult task to manage.

But it’s important. For you, this other person embodies all of the bitterness and sorrow you feel, becoming more of a monster and less of a person. Yet for your kids, this person is another (perhaps significant) adult in their lives, someone they have to negotiate a relationship with and perhaps even learn to accept as a future stepparent.

When you allow your feelings for your ex’s partner to show (even if they’re un-vocalized), it creates confusion and tension for your kids. On the one hand, they want to be loyal and supportive of you and on the other hand, they don’t want conflict with their other parent.

No, it’s not easy and it’s often not fair. But your kids are worth the effort. So strive to separate what the other partner represents to you from who they are to your kids.

 

You know not to place the blame on the kids.

Children have a tendency to internalize everything. So it’s common that when they learn of the impending divorce, they think that it must be due to their refusal to go to bed on time last week or the tantrum they threw in the check-out line at the grocery store. And you know to reassure them that they are not at fault, that these are adult problems between mommy and daddy and that both of their parents love them so very much.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

One of the biggest struggles after divorce is the rediscovery of your purpose and when you’re a parent, that role and by extension, your children, fill that need nicely. Of course your kids are your biggest priority, but you have to be careful after divorce not to make them your only concern.

When the kids become your sole purpose for moving on and pushing through, you’re inadvertently putting all of the responsibility for your well-being on their tiny shoulders.

And that’s a huge burden for them to bear. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself while also looking out for them. Model for them what true independence and perseverance look like. In the end, that will serve them better than you existing only to fill their needs.

 

You know to be available to talk when the kids are ready.

You end the dreaded “We’re getting a divorce announcement with, “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” And you mean those words. You frequently check in with your children and you’re ready to drop everything and listen whenever they’re in the mood to open up.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

Especially if your children are in or approaching double-digit ages, you may not be their preferred go-to when they are struggling with the divorce. It’s important for you to provide access to other safe adults for them to talk to and to let them know that it’s okay for them to open up.

It can be stressful to think about the details of your divorce from your child’s perspective being shared, but if you deliver the message that the topic is taboo, it breeds a sense of shame and secrecy in the kids.

It is more important that your children are able to talk through their fears and concerns with somebody than it is for that somebody to be you or for you to control what information is revealed.

 

You know that your divorce impacts the kids.

Children need a sense of security and stability and divorce threatens both. Inevitably, children are affected when their parents separate. 

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

When you focus too much on the strain and impact of the situation, you may be unintentionally promoting a sense of victimhood in your children. Too much emphasis on what happened emphasizes the lack of control the kids have over the situation and gives them the feeling that they are damaged. Perhaps permanently.

Instead, focus on building grit. Share stories of overcoming adversity. Model and vocalize the power of choice in any situation. Acknowledge the impact the divorce has had on them yet also refuse to allow them to be defined by that singular event.

Fortitude and a sense of power over their own well-being are two of the biggest gifts you can give your children. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

7 Reasons to Cross a Finish Line During Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is often a long process. Apart from assembling the required documentation, writing checks to your attorney and making the requisite trips to IKEA (where you fight with college kids over the practical and value-minded inventory), you end up spending a lot of that time simply waiting.

Waiting for your divorce to be final.

Waiting for the legal approval to make changes to your name, your accounts and maybe your living situation.

Waiting for the uncertainty and the pain to end.

And maybe even waiting to live.

Let’s face it – waiting sucks. Feeling helpless sucks. Feeling insecure and lost as you tentatively start your new sucks.

And you know what can help all of that suck a little less?

A finish line.

No, really.

I had no business signing up for a half marathon.

But I did it anyway.

I was a late-in-life runner, never even attempting it until my thirtieth birthday. I started out on a quarter mile track, making it only halfway around on my first attempt. I stayed with it over the next two years, slowly adding distance until I could comfortably run five miles.

I was satisfied with my routine and I would always laugh off any suggestions that I should sign up for a race.

Until my ex left.

Then, suddenly, I was fixated on the idea of signing up for a race. And even though I really had no business attempting a thirteen mile distance, the decision ended up being one of the best I made throughout my divorce. Because doing something with a finish line has benefits well beyond the obvious.

Don’t worry if you’re not a runner. You can approach a finish line on wheels, on water or even just by walking. If that does not appeal, enroll in a course that ends with a certification. Sign up for a class that has a culminating project or presentation.  Build or create something that has a clear point where you can say you’re done. The only requirements are that it is something that takes time, commitment and sustained effort and concludes with a defined end.

Here’s what you can expect to gain once you cross your own finish line:

Positive Focus

Maintaining a good attitude is the single most important attribute during divorce. And it’s also the hardest. The goal of a finish line helps to keep your attentions turned towards something encouraging and attainable.

Confidence

The rejection and stigma associated with divorce can do a number on your self-assurance. The only way to truly build confidence is to accomplish something that you find challenging. Each step that you take towards your own finish line will be a step towards a stronger and more optimistic you.

 

Momentum

First divorce kicks you down. And then inertia keeps you down. A finish line gives you a reason to get up. Motivation to keep moving. Structure to keep you honest. And progress to keep you encouraged.

Goal Rehearsal

Many post-divorce goals feel impossibly huge – new home, new budget, somehow raising good kids and surviving single parenting and maybe even finding new love. A finish line is like life, simplified. It’s practice working towards and reaching a goal that is smaller in scope and short in duration before you tackle the bigger aspirations.

 

Revived Identity

Before the divorce, “husband” or “wife” was probably a substantial component of your identity. And now there’s a void, an opening. When you sign up for something with a finish line, you’re assuming a new identity, whether it be runner or scholar, and along the way, finding your new tribe.

Limits Unhealthy Behaviors

It’s easy to turn to destructive habits in an attempt to manage the difficult emotions that arise during divorce. The structure and accountability of a finish line offers some resistance to the pull of the next drink, another doughnut or just one more hour of Netflix.

 

Positive Transformation

Divorce changes you. You can’t stop the transformation, but you can direct it. Your efforts towards your finish line are making you stronger, more confident, more capable and more humble. Each step is one step closer to a new you. A better you.

 

 

The day of my first half-marathon dawned cold and wet. I was excited and nervous in equal measure. My body ran the first part of the race, until my limbs started to fail. Then my mind picked up and completed the event, running on pure tenacity and determination.

By the time the finish line was in sight, I was depleted. Those last few steps felt like an impossibility. Yet somehow I made it across. I turned to look back, my tears meeting the rain streaming down my face.

I made it. I was on the other side.

And in that moment, I knew I could make it to the other side of my divorce as well.

5 Tips For Managing Your Pre-Divorce Anxiety

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often speak of divorce as if it is a single act, a sudden switch from partnered to single. As though there is no time elapsed between the decision to split and the final seal pressed into the decree.

But divorce doesn’t operate that way. Months or even years pass between the resolve and the resolution. And that period of time when you’re both preparing for and anticipating the divorce can be the hardest stretch to navigate.

It’s a weird space where you no longer occupy your former life yet you are limited in exploring your new world. And it’s a scary place, filled with the unknowns of the legal proceedings and the overwhelming uncertainty of the future.

Educate Yourself 

If you’re like most people, you don’t know much about divorce until you’re in the middle of it. Take this time to learn all you can about the laws in your state and the resources that are available to you.

Read up on your legal options before you discuss your plans with your attorney. Familiarize yourself with the role of mediation in your district. Make sure you understand the scope – and the limitations – of the decree and its associated documents. The legal process is confusing and expensive. The more you know ahead of time, the clearer your decisions will be and the more money you can keep in your pocket.

Research local divorce support groups. Even if you never attend, it’s good to know it’s there if you need it. If you’re worried about being able to make ends meet, look into sliding scale services and programs designed to help you get back on your feet. Investigation new child-care or transportation options for your kids if you anticipate changes in those needs. Energy spent researching what is at hand is never wasted because the knowledge will help you sleep at night.

My own biggest obstacle during this period was financial in nature. I felt a little better after securing a bankruptcy attorney and exploring that option. I ultimately decided that it was not the appropriate route, but just having that information at hand was comforting.

Consider the Worst That Could Happen

I generally advocate focusing on the positive. But that’s hard to do when you’re in marital limbo and you have no idea what your life is going to look like a year from now. And there’s actually a benefit to spending some time exploring the worst case scenarios.

Start by brainstorming – on paper or on your device – the worst possible outcomes of your divorce: bankruptcy, losing custody, being alone forever, etc. Give yourself a time limit of five minutes to jot these down without analysis or censoring.

Then, address each one in turn with what you coulddo if that fear does come to fruition. Keep these brief and don’t worry about the details or the roadblocks. It’s just important that these actions are possible even after the worst has happened. Limit yourself to no more than twenty minutes to write your responses.

My own “worst that could happen” list looked something like this:

Fear: I could end up homeless.

Response: I had several friends and family members willing to take me in.

Fear: I could be ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars I didn’t have.

Response: I still had a job and I could work out payment plans.

Fear: My destroyed credit would prevent me from being able to move on.

Response: Most of those things would drop off in seven years and I could work to rebuild my credit.

And all of those things did happen to some extent. And when they did, I learned that none of them were as bad as I had feared.

Be careful not to spend too much time contemplating the worst that could happen, as this will only intensity your anxiety. Instead, visit it just long enough to brainstorm your possible responses and then make an effort to shift your thoughts elsewhere.

Set Time Aside Each Week to Deal With Legal Stuff

Steel yourself. There will be paperwork. And emails. And phone calls. And then more paperwork. All of the evidence-gathering and form-filling and decision-making can be extremely draining and anxiety producing (especially when the envelope contains a bill from your attorney!).

Designate a time once or twice a week when you handle the non-critical divorce related tasks. Ideally (and obnoxiously), one of these needs to be during normal working hours so that you have access to lawyers, bankers and government agencies.

You can even take it a step further if you don’t want divorce-related news intruding when you’re not prepared and designate a new email account just for the business of divorce. Just be careful to check it frequently in case there is some time-sensitive information that you need to attend to.

At first, I read every email, opened every envelope and answered every phone call as soon as I could. The news was often distressing and as a result, would cloud my entire day. Once I cordoned off a portion of time to deal with the informational flood, I found that I felt much more in control and wasn’t as impacted on a daily basis.

You can’t control what’s in the oncoming message, but you can manage when and in what circumstances you receive it.

Be Mindful of Who You Surround Yourself With

“How are you ever going to manage the kids and the household on your own?”

“Your ex has always been so selfish. I bet she’s going to try to take you to the cleaners.”

“You are so strong, I couldn’t handle what you’re going through.”

You hear it all while you’re divorcing. Some comments are well-meaning, but can still miss the mark and drive up your anxiety in the process. Others come from a place of curiosity and dwell on the salacious details that you would rather forget. And then there are those people that always seem to be critical whose words fuel your own negative narratives.

People will likely approach you with their own divorce stories, some of with would be best classified in the horror genre. Much as you would consider other’s childbirth stories while pregnant, take these divorce tales with a grain of salt. Their experience is not yours.

Be especially mindful of who you surround yourself with. Find those that balance your intense emotions rather than amplify them. Seek out friendships with people that are generally positive and proactive. Borrow some of their sunshine on the days when you’re struggling to find it yourself. And when a well-meaning person says the wrong thing, talk to them. They can’t learn to respond any better unless you help them understand your perspective.

Divorce has a way of sifting your true friends from the hangers-on. Not all will make it through and those additional losses are not always easy. Yet you also know that the friends who are still by your side are there for right reasons.

While You’re Waiting… Live!

 Your attorney has probably advised you not to make any major purchases, adjust your beneficiaries, speak out on social media or openly date. The period of time approaching divorce can be a frustrating limbo as you wait for the legal permission to act.

But that’s no reason to put your entire life on hold. The law doesn’t restrict your ability to make a new friend, sign up for a class, enjoy a sunset, treat yourself to dessert at your favorite restaurant, flirt with the dogs at adoption day, volunteer at a food bank or tackle a new skill. Instead of thinking about what you can’t do, focus on what you can.

This difficult period does have an expiration date. You’ll make it through. Just keep your mind on where you want to be and put one foot in front of the other.

How to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself (and Start Feeling Better) After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you relate to any of these feelings after divorce?

“It’s not fair that my family has been torn apart!”

“This sucks! I hate having to start over at this stage of my life.”

“My ex seems to be doing just fine. Why am I having such a hard time of this?”

“Nobody else gets this. They haven’t had to deal with the stuff I’ve been dealt.”

I felt all of those and more during those first dark months. There were many days that seemed hopeless and the lonely nights stretched into eternity.

To the public, I put on a hopeful face. While behind closed doors, I threw myself quite the pity party after my ex husband cheated and then left the marriage.

The theme of the shindig was simple – innocent woman victimized by malicious husband. I resisted mailing out invitations, yet I encouraged others to attend by sharing the sordid details of what he did to me. The playlist featured various versions of, “It’s not fair,” stuck on repeat. The space was decorated with reminders of my former life, strewn about like fetid petals clinging to the floor.

This pity party went on for far too long, until its motif grew dull and everyone, including me, tired of its lack of momentum. And more than anything else, I became tired of feeling sorry for myself. And so I decided to crash my own pity party.

I found the following techniques helpful to stop feeling sorry for myself after divorce:

1 –  Fire the victim and hire the hero.

In the beginning, I focused on what was done to me. I was the object of the actions, the victim. Eventually, I grew weary of that role. After all, it really is quite limiting. I made the decision to fire the victim and hire the hero, taking charge of my own life from that point forward. This reframing of your role has to come before you can begin to make changes in your situation.

2 –  Depersonalize the situation.

Part of my “poor me” came from my early belief that my once-loving husband had somehow morphed into some malevolent creature worthy of a Marvel feature. I saw him as the weapon and me as the target. With some time and consideration, I began to realize that his actions had little to do with me. I just happened to be in the way. It still stinks to realize that you’re collateral damage, but it’s easier than accepting that you’re the hapless prey.

3  – Put it in perspective.

Even to this day, when I reflect upon my divorce, I have a tendency to be overdramatic and claim that I lost everything. Yet even though it felt like all was gone, that wasn’t quite true. I still had family, friends, career and hope that I could rebuild again. Resist the temptation to sensationalize what happened. The dry facts are often much easier to swallow.

4 – Use anger as fuel to motivate action.

“It’s not fair!” became my go-to phrase. And it was accurate. It wasn’t fair. But it was the reality. So I bundled up all of that rage about the unjustness of it all and I used it as energy to write my story and to make changes in my new life. Instead of wasting the energy of the anger on your ex or your divorce, try funneling it into the creation of something better. Even if you have a, “I’ll show them!” attitude while doing it.

5 – Edit your personal narrative.

I used to say, “I was abandoned” when speaking about my divorce. And with every repetition of that phrase, I felt even more discarded. Once I realized that I was self-inflicting further trauma with my words, I shifted to, “My ex left,” which left me feeling much better. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. Be intentional with the words and phrases you repeat to yourself.

6 – Avoid pity party attendees.

Living in the South, I probably heard, “Well, bless your little heart” dozens of times a day during my divorce. At first, I accepted those words and the pitying embraces that accompanied them. I felt comforted. Validated. But then as I started to find my voice and embrace my inner hero, those words began to chafe. At some point, those that continue to pity you will begin to hold you back. Avoid them and instead seek out those who inspire you.

7 – Remind yourself that it could be worse.

My ex left me holding the debt he incurred while building his other life (and while courting his other wife). As I made those painful payments every month, I reminded myself that at least I could pay off that balance, even if it meant living lean for a few years. Whether considering your own situation or comparing it with others, remember that it could always be worse than it is. And be thankful that it’s not.

8 – Keep a daily gratitude journal.

My journal was my savior that first year. It didn’t judge my anger, censor my pain or question my fears. But perhaps its most important role was to help train me in the art of gratitude as I made an effort to consider something I was thankful for each day. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re busy being grateful. Whether on paper or on an app, try jotting down one to two things you’re thankful for every day.

9 – Ban the words, “I wish” and “Why me?”

I spent some time wanting things to be different, falling down a rabbit hole of “how?,” “why?” and “I wish.” Every time I indulged those words, I felt worse. Hopeless, even. Those were thoughts anchored in hopes. Instead, I replaced them with views leading to action – “I can,” “I will” and “I have.” By making this switch, you shifting your focus from what happened in the past to what you can control in the future.

10 – Call in reinforcements.

Of all of the people in my life during the divorce, surprisingly the policeman who arrested my husband became one of the most important. As an officer, he had seen it all and so he was largely immune to the shock of my situation (although he still says it’s the story he tells the most!). His matter-of-factness and lack of effusive sympathy was exactly what I needed. Seek out people who help lift you out of feeling sorry for yourself through a combination of encouragement and butt-kicking. It may not always feel great in the moment, but it will pay dividends later.

11 – Build your confidence.

Part of my self-pity was anchored in a feeling of weakness and apprehension. I felt small and broken, impotent against insurmountable odds. So I started to challenge myself, to build my strength, baby step by baby step. I faced my fears – the small ones at first – and tested my beliefs about my limitations. Self-pity thrives on unease and frailty. As you begin to build your confidence, you starve out pity.

12 – Learn from fictional heroes.

I became obsessed with the True Blood books during my divorce. Not only was the series light and easy to follow, I envied Sookie Stackhouse’s can-do attitude no matter what disasters befell her. I even found myself thinking WWSD (What Would Sookie Do?) throughout the difficult days. Find a particular character that embodies who you want to be and channel their energy on the days when you don’t feel strong enough on your own.

13 – Consider the role model you want to be.

I remember looking out at my class of eighth graders one day as the court date for my divorce rapidly approached. I was scared. Frightened of what would happen. Anxious about what would come next. And then I looked at those kids, who were looking to me as a role model. And I decided that I wanted to show them courage and perseverance, not fear and self-pity. Who are you a role model for in your life? What do you want to teach them by your reactions?

14 – Replace pity with compassion.

Part of my pity party was a cry for compassion, both from myself and others. I wanted the pain to be heard. To be recognized. With pity, the pain is nurtured whereas with compassion, the pain is acknowledged and then the person is nurtured. Compassion accepts the suffering and also advocates the overcoming of it.

15 – Fake it until you make it.

At work, I spoke confidently about my plans for my future. With my friends, I expressed unbridled interest in dating. Yet at home, once the sun went down and I was in the safety of my bed, I still wondered why I had to endure this. And the strangest thing began to happen. The more I practiced the brave, “I got this” face, the more I began to believe it. And as my faith in myself fueled my progress, I began to experience surprise when people expressed pity for what happened.

Because at some point, the worst thing that had ever happened had become a turning point that led to the best days of my life.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create a life that you love.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

The first one was hard.

It was our tenth anniversary.

The marriage was final.

But the divorce wasn’t.

I strategically scheduled a doctor’s appointment that morning so that I would have a valid excuse for not going into work that day. I suspected the tears were going to fall hard and fast throughout much of the day.

I was right.

I spent most of the hours curled on the loaned flannel sheets on my borrowed bed in the friend’s home that was my temporary sanctuary until I could function alone. The sobs came in waves, wracking my body as I tried to integrate the expectations I’d had for celebrating ten years of marriage with the reality that the marriage I loved had been a lie.

I tried to read, but my mind kept skidding off the page and landing on tortuous slideshow of memories. I tried to write, but those same thoughts that were so tenacious in my mind bottled up as soon as I picked up a pen. I tried to medicate myself into slumber, but my body fought to stay awake through the ceaseless hours.

At one point, I had the humorous, yet comforting, thought that because the marriage legally made it to ten years, I was eligible for his social security benefits if he were to die. But a payout from his untimely demise wasn’t what I really wanted.

What I wanted was for the whole thing to be a nightmare that I could still wake up from. What I wanted was an anniversary that was still a celebration rather than a memorial service.

Anniversaries after divorce are like a rotted section on a suspension bridge. We see them coming and dread the approach. We have to cross them in order to keep moving on. And if we don’t prepare, we can find ourselves injured or even risk a fall through the splintered memories. And like the confidence and pride that comes from successfully navigating tricky terrain, making it through an anniversary is a triumph.

Are you dreading an upcoming anniversary? If so, a little planning can go a long way to making the day as painless as possible.

Before the Anniversary

Celebrate Your Victories Thus Far (No Matter How Small)

On an anniversary after divorce, it’s easy to get down on yourself. You think about where you’re “supposed” to be in life and instead, you find yourself back at the beginning. Only this time older and more wrinkled. So before you’re swept away by the sadness of the upcoming day, take a few minutes to write down all that you’ve accomplished since the divorce (or separation). Don’t worry how small those victories may seem. They are your first steps. And don’t we always celebrate those for babies?

Physically Exhaust Yourself

You know that feeling you have after you’ve been on a long walk? That space where you’re drained of energy and filled with contentment and a sense of accomplishment? Find a way to get there the day before the big day. You’re draining anxious energy and allowing the body’s neurotransmitters to help uplift negative thoughts. Go into the day with a quiet body and let it educate the mind.

Put Your Support System On Alert

I don’t suggest a Facebook post about the looming date; not everybody needs to know. But I do recommend alerting those closest to you. It will help them be more understanding with you if you’re a little “off” and it will put them on notice that they may be called to be a shoulder to cry on.

The Day of the Anniversary

Plan An Undemanding Day

 Maybe you take a page from my playbook and schedule a “sick day.” Or maybe you have the grandparents watch the kids for the evening. Try to avoid too many mentally taxing tasks or high-pressure situations. If you do better alone, find a way to work that in. If being alone scares you, plan how to be with people. Work within your constraints and do what you can to make the day a little easier.

Stay Off Social Media

The last thing you want today is to stumble across somebody’s post about their new engagement or see a picture of a couple on their tropical getaway. And while you’re at it, you may be better off if you just avoid any media that you cannot control. After all, Netflix won’t suddenly bludgeon you with with a saccharine ad for diamond jewelry.

Embrace the Suck

 My initial reaction as my own first anniversary approached was to try to find a way to distract myself away from reality. But as I racked my brain for options, I realized that even a bottle of wine, a new Stephen King novel and a date to Cirque du Soleil with Brad Pitt wouldn’t be enough to keep my mind off my ex. On this day, simply embrace the suck. Remember that rotten patch on the suspension bridge? You just have to go through it.

Start a New Ritual (And a New Count)

Your brain is programmed to perform a count on this day. And rather than allow it to follow the easy path of continuing the would-be years of marriage for evermore, start a new count with a ritual all your own. For me, I don’t have a single event but since my divorce spurred my writing, I take that day to reflect upon my writing experiences. It feels much better to say, “I’ve been writing and sharing my story for 7 years” rather than, “This would have been my 17thanniversary.”

After the Anniversary

Shake It Off

There’s a good chance you woke up with an emotional hangover today. One of the best ways to treat this is to move. Shake it off. Let it go. Today is a new day.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Good

I am a huge proponent of what I call “scheduled smiles,” events on the calendar that you can look forward to. I recommend that there always be at least three of these on your upcoming schedule at any time. Make sure one of them is for the day after. It can as small as a pedicure or as grand as a cruise. The event matters less than the anticipation and the reminder that the tide always turns.

Celebrate With This Thought

You will neverhave to go through that again. Yes, you will have another anniversary next year. But guess what? It will be a little easier. Because you’ve successfully traversed those rotted boards before and now you bring experience and perspective.  Be proud of your progress and celebrate your triumph. You’ve made it!

Wondering when you will feel better? Here was my timeline for healing after divorce.