There’s More Than One Way to Wear a Wedding Ring

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Marriages stand a better chance when they begin with conversations rather than assumptions.

It’s all too easy to enter marriage with an expectation of what it is going to look like. It is all too easy to expect that your partner-to-be (or even current spouse) has the same view and presumptions about matrimony as you do. It is all too easy to fall into a marital model that does not match the needs and wants of you and your spouse.

Conversations about marriage are not comfortable. They are not easy. And, in many cases, they are even taboo because we see the institution of marriage as being rigid with defined rules and boundaries.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Instead of trying to make everyone fit into the mold of a “traditional” marriage, maybe it makes more sense to shape marriage around our own desires for family and companionship. Maybe the reason that half of all marriages “fail” is that they didn’t fit the couple to begin with.

I received a copy of The New “I Do” last week. It provides templates for seven different types of marriages: starter, companionship, parenting, distance, covenant, safety and open. Each section consists of a description of each style, real-world examples, pros and cons and matters to think about.

And think I did.

As I read, I found elements of some of the models that intrigued me and other ideas that repulsed me. I found myself nodding in agreement for a few paragraphs only to bust out a, “oh, hell no!” in the next.

But throughout, it made me think.

And when it comes to marriage, a little more thinking can go a long way.

Even though I am already in a happy marriage, I found that this book made me consider ideas and options that I had not before. When I summarized the marriage styles for Brock while I was reading, it led to some great discussion about the broader ideas of marriage in general as well as conversation specific to our own marriage.

And marriages stand a better chance when they are based upon conversations rather than assumptions.

 

If you’re divorced, check it out. It may make you look differently at your first (or second) marriage and see areas where you could do things differently.

If you’re afraid of marriage or convinced marriage (or remarriage) isn’t for you, read it and you may find a model that fits what you’re looking for.

If you’re in a troubled marriage, this book may give you ideas about how you can restructure your relationship to fit your changing needs and perspectives.

And if you’re in a happy marriage, this book lends itself to some deep and interesting conversations about what it means to be married and if you and spouse share the same priorities.

 

Because when it comes down to it, marriage is not one size fits all. And there’s more than one way to wear a wedding ring.

 

If you’re curious, Brock and I concluded that our relationship doesn’t exactly fit any of the models. Its core is based on companionship with a healthy dose of passion. That doesn’t mean that’s the right kind of marriage; it means it’s right for us.

 

Time Travel and the Road to Acceptance

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We enjoyed a little “date afternoon” Saturday as a way to extend the holiday and break up the monotony of post-camping laundry. We were both in complete agreement about the move for the day – Mockingjay Part I, which Brock calls the “Star Wars for the next generation.” It’s such a universal story – the struggle for independence and the fight against oppression – and The Hunger Games tells it beautifully.

One of the previews was for a movie where a group of young people (oh my goodness, I sound old!) used a small time machine to go back and tweak their pasts, which of course led to all kinds of drama and unintended consequences. It felt like a mash-up of Back to the Future and The Butterfly Effect as it featured the entertaining allure of time travel as well as warning about the potential repercussions.

As the preview was playing, I found myself contemplating what I would do with unfettered access to a time machine. Not surprisingly, my thoughts centered around my ex:

Would I go back and ignore him when we first became friends at the Kerrville Folk Festival in 1992? Flashes of all the wonderful times we shared followed and missing out on that was not a choice I wanted to make.

How about leaving that relationship in my childhood and remaining in Texas when he moved to Atlanta in 1998? I thought about how much I now love Atlanta and consider it home and how much I would have missed out on.

I next focused on the money. After all, I gained nothing by being ignorant of his marital embezzlement and going back and stopping the hemorrhaging of my money could only have a positive impact, right? But even that left a sour taste in my mouth. Losing everything made be stronger and more grateful; I wouldn’t have had that lesson if I still had a cushion.

Ultimately, I decided that I would not change a thing. I am happy where I am and I could not be here without going through the rest. I’m sure some of my conclusion is from my brain’s self-protective mechanisms – justifying past decisions and weighing known losses as costlier than imagined ones. But some is also from the acknowledgement that struggle is what makes us strong and experiences really do build character.

On the way home from the theater, I posited the time machine question to Brock:

“I’m happy where I am, so I wouldn’t change anything. Oh, except I would go back two days and win the lottery.”

I smiled.

You’re Not Flipping the Switch, You’re Turning the Dial

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often believe that decisions in our lives are decisive, one choice made over another as resolutely as flipping a switch.

We’re often wrong.

Most decisions in our lives are made like the slow turn of a dial as we move incrementally towards some conclusion.

We slide into decisions carried on the back of inertia, following the path of least resistance and the road of slightest effort.

We creep into these courses of action and then retroactively rewrite our memories to justify our decisions-that-weren’t-really-decisions.

It happens at the beginning of relationships when it is easier to say yes to another date than to break it off. It occurs later on, when getting married is the next logical step and an “I do” is less effort than starting over. We may have kids through inertia, stay in careers through inaction and even turn the dial towards “divorce” without being aware of where the path may lead.

The changes are incremental. So small, they aren’t even noticed at the time like the heat slowly rising until the lobster is cooked without ever realizing he was in danger.

Be aware of areas where you are turning the dial. Be alert to your justifications applied after the fact. Make sure you are where you want to be, not just where you ended up.

Choose to flip the switch and turn your life on.

But What About the Turkey?!?!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“But what about the turkey?” are always the first words out of my students’ mouths when they hear I’m going camping for Thanksgiving.

I laugh and explain to them that as a vegetarian,  a turkey  dinner isn’t exactly a critical concern of mine and that my husband can easily forgo meat for a few days.

Their brains stutter, trying to come to terms with this new and foreign reality. “So what do you eat?”

“I prepare a veggie chili and cornbread ahead of time so all we have to do at the campsite is heat it over the fire.”

“Oh. That actually sounds really good. I’ve always wanted to go camping but my parents don’t want to.”

 

It’s so interesting to me how strongly our preconceived notions are about how something is supposed to be are anchored in our minds. I’m working through some of my own biases this week as I read The New “I Do”, which offers several alternatives to the traditional marriage. Much like my students, I am having to rethink my assumptions and be willing to consider alternate viewpoints.

 

Whether your Thanksgiving consists of turkey or microwave popcorn, tons of family or the company of a good book, being snuggled inside as the snow drifts build or braving the air to escape the house, I wish you a day of peace and gratitude.

Because it’s not really about the turkey. It’s about taking a moment to be present and thankful.

No matter where you are.

 

Be Willing to Walk Away

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock, a seasoned salesman, was telling me about a car he almost purchased many years ago. He was ready to sign but when the dealer wouldn’t acquiesce to the desired terms, Brock stood up and walked out. He knew that in order to be successful in any negotiation, you have to be willing to walk away.

 

As he finished his story, I thought about the times in my life when I was willing to walk away:

 

The first (and second and third) dates with men I was curious about but not invested in.

The job interviews and possibilities when I already had something paying the bills.

A blog submission to an outside site when they had already picked up at least one post.

The books from the library or the free movies on TV that failed to maintain my interest.

 

In every case, I was more relaxed and curious than anxious or upset that someone or something failed to meet expectations because I was willing to walk away. When we perceive that we need something, we often neglect our own values and boundaries in order to gain or keep it.

Sometimes the best mindset you can maintain is one of a willingness to walk away.

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