Funniest thing I cleaned out of the old car- tassels from my graduation for my bachelor degree
Strangest thing I cleaned out of the old car- found a love note from the ex (blech)
Best thing about the new car- that new car smell
Funniest thing about the new car- my femurs are too short for the seat so I used my purse as a makeshift lumbar pillow
Second funniest thing about the new car- my husband said this is the only time it will ever be illegally parked. I am a rule follower:)
You know those times when you don’t realize you’re holding your breath until you finally get a deep lungful of air?
Well, apparently I haven’t been breathing for the past 6 years. Or actually for the past 6 years and 5 days, to be exact.
And I didn’t even realize it until today. Or more specifically, when I received the word that not only did I qualify for the car loan, I qualified for the lowest interest rate.
I can’t even begin to explain the relief that gives me.
Not only does a new (and hopefully more trustworthy car) give me freedom, the loan is a sign that I can finally put the financial betrayal behind me.
I’ve always said that the financial betrayal was the worst. It’s the one that refuses to disappear. That tails behind me as stubborn and persistent as a hungry toddler. Only much, much more nefarious.
I have been reminded of it every time I’ve had to make payments on debts he incurred (for things like HIS honeymoon). It’s been thrown in my face with letters and phone calls from collections, threatening me because of his lies. And it’s held me back as I’ve worked to improve my credit score.
It’s been a load of shame on my back for the past 6 years.
I’ve felt embarrassed every time my financial situation has to be exposed. I instinctively pull out my divorce decree, ready to defend myself against the stains still on my record. I’m not sure what’s worse – the feeling that others might think I was responsible for the debt or the knowledge that I was a chump, blindly ignorant to my ex’s machinations.
I’ve been uncomfortable with my car – easily the oldest in the parking lot at work and probably also the senior in my neighborhood – for a few years. I don’t like to let people into the vehicle, where the orange foam spilling out of the cracked seats will tickle their sides. I like to arrive to the location where I will meet a new person before them, so that I am not associated with the rapidly aging vehicle. Because even though I’m not one to give much credence to appearances, I know that others are judging me by my ride.
It’s been a flame of anger for the past 6 years.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he stole my money and my credit and escaped unharmed as far as I know. It’s not fair that all of the careful planning and saving that I did was wiped out for his impulsive and deceptive actions. It’s not fair that he was granted the newer and more valuable car (that was almost paid off) by the courts and I received the ten year old model.
I’m angry at myself. For believing what my ex told me and not looking for myself. For trusting that he cared as much about my financial well-being as he did his own. For being stupid and gullible and naive.
And I’m reminded of this anger every time I grow frustrated with my car or see his impact still imprinted on my credit. I’ve had to very intentional and generous with gratitude to counteract the scalding impact of his actions. And that’s not fair either.
It’s been a cloak of fear around my heart for the past 6 years.
In the beginning, I couldn’t even bear to see the extent of the damage. I narrowed my eyes when I looked at account balances, blurring the total as though that would somehow soften its effect. I had my dad examine my credit report after promising that he would not reveal the actual score to me. I was afraid to face the evidence that he had been whittling away at my well-being for years.
Every trip to the mailbox and every unknown number on my phone caused my pulse to rise as I braced for news of another account or threats on a known one. Even as parceled out paychecks to pay down the debt, I was petrified that another would surface and my careful accounting wouldn’t be enough to save me.
I finally faced my credit score for the first time since the life implosion two years ago. Ever since, I obsessively check Credit Karma every day. And I’ve watched the number rise as my identity is slowly replacing that of my ex on the accounts.
But I haven’t really trusted the number. It felt fake, somehow.
And so, when I nervously entered my information on the credit application for the car, I was sure that I would be declined. Or at least offered some sub par rate. And when the phone rang mere moments after I hit “submit,” I saw it as verification that my fears were founded.
“Everything looks good,” I heard faintly, as though it was coming through a tunnel.
It was only after I hung up that I realized I had collapsed onto the floor, relief buckling my knees beneath me.
Because it’s about way more than the money. Or the car.
I can finally feel like this is all behind me. Like I am no longer held back or limited by any of what happened.
And for the first time in 6 years and 5 days, I can finally breath freely.
They were everywhere.
Their tawny heads bobbing in the breeze atop three-foot high slender stalks anchored in grassy skirts. The common daylily is certainly common in Madison, Wisconsin, found in almost every landscape. And I was shocked to see them in such numbers. Because, in Atlanta, they are much more of a rarity.
Not because they struggle with the conditions.
But because they grow too well.
The common daylily (often called “ditchlily” in the south) thrives in the heat and humidity. Spreading on its own volition, it can be found in great swaths across neglected fields and breathing through the exhaust along the highways. It’s rarely found in cultivated landscapes because it does not play well with others. It seeks to dominate, becoming a monoculture if not held in check by sturdy borders or isolated by an elevated bed.
In the short summers of Madison, the lily is much more polite. I saw endless evidence of common daylilies coexisting pleasantly with less vigorous companions. The conditions of the cooler climate hold the plants in check and fail to nurture the bullying behavior that is so evident in the south.
Same plant. Two completely different presentations in two different environments.
And, in many ways, we are just like the daylily. Some environments nurture our negative qualities whereas others cultivate our beauty and suppress our harmful drives.
But unlike the daylily, we are not anchored into the ground. We have the ability to choose our environment.
We have two friends that were in a relationship together for a few years. They loved each other deeply, yet together they created a toxic brew of negativity and drama. Eventually, the roots were pulled up and each found a new companion. And the same people, now immersed in a different environment, have none of the previous damaging behaviors.
It’s not always easy for them – they see the way their ex is now and wonder why he/she couldn’t be that way for them. They are different because their surroundings are different. That’s it. No nefarious plot or devious withholdings. It’s not something to take personally.
We all hold the potential to be noxious weeds or beautiful flowers. And it’s up to us to ensure that our environment nurtures the qualities we wish to multiply. And to understand that sometimes people in our lives require a different environment themselves in order to thrive.
I guess our parents were right – it really is important to choose your friends wisely.
I just released a new course on Udemy: Thriving After Divorce.
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Much like earworms are snippets of a song that refuses to vacate your auditory processing center, mindworms are remnants of thoughts that stubbornly replay through your brain. It’s not only annoying; it’s maladaptive. The stuttering brain becomes stuck on a particular thought and is unable to move on to the next or be receptive to new ideas.
Mindworms are tenacious little buggers. They like to hide when you focus on them too intently only to start their slithering once you allow yourself to relax. They may go quiet for hours or even days at a time, prompting a false sense of security, before making themselves heard once again.
Although not fatal, mindworms are parasites that remove some of our lifeforce. If allowed to wander for too long, they hold their host back from optimal health and wellness.
There are no quick fixes for the removal of mindworms. The development of a vaccine has stalled and post-infection medications often come with pretty severe side-effects. If you find yourself the unwitting host to a mindworm that has overstayed its welcome, try the following:
Exercise: Mindworms feed on cortisol, so anything you do to lower the amount of stress hormone coursing through your body will make the environment less pleasing to them. This isn’t the time for a lackadaisical workout, either. Lift heavy, run fast or take a class that pushes you. After the session, you should feel drained and your mind should feel blessedly empty.
Art: Sometimes mindworms stay around because they have something they want to say. Now, unfortunately, they’re not very direct when it comes to expressing their needs. The best way to listen to a mindworm is to act as a medium, allowing yourself to channel the mindworm’s ideas into a creative application. Once the pastel or brush is in your hand, sit back and let the mindworm go.
Music: Although genetically related, earworms and mindworms do not make happy bedfellows (perhaps because they both demand to be the center of attention). So invite an earworm in. It’s best if you surround yourself with the music of your choosing. Car stereos on the highway seem to be particularly effective, especially if you sing along.
Gum: No, really. Perhaps it’s the rhythmic movement of the jaw or the addition of another foreign object in the head, but gum seems to act as a mindworm deterrent. This is a great strategy to use when you’re busy. After all, you can’t exactly start bench-pressing the conference table in a meeting or blast Metallica at your child’s soccer game, but you can slip in a piece of gum.
Write: Mindworms are a bit narcissistic. They think their message is the most important thing ever. So indulge them. Publish their words in your journal. And then put your own spin on it. You see, mindworms are good at starting a story, but they’re famous for leaving off the conclusion, which makes their tales endlessly cycle. So create your own ending when you write.
Mindfulness Walk: Mindworms are resistant to traditional meditation techniques. In fact, they can easily turn your om moment into a wrestling match. It works better to sneak up on them with your mindfulness. Thus the walk. A mindfulness walk starts with an intention. For example, you can decide to focus on all of the doors in the neighborhood, or on everything that is the color red or on all of the sounds. Then, one foot in front of the other while gently refocusing the mind on the intended target.
These techniques are not only effective for removing a mindworm infestation, they also seem to have a preventative effect. So, make sure to visit them often in order to keep your mind free of these pesky parasites.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 