Forced Vulnerability

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We had to have our hardwood floors re-redone earlier this week. No, that’s not one of my typos. There was basically a typo during the first redoing of the floors.

So again, we moved all of the furniture from the first floor (I swear next time I’m the market for furniture, everything will be made of bean bags!). And again, we boarded Tiger and rented a hotel room for the night.

My brain was half on moving stuff and half on ramping up for the first day back at school with a third half (impossible, I know, but that’s what my brain feels like right now) stubbornly trying to stay in vacation mode.

And I screwed up.

I made a special stop for Brock to get some of his essentials. I gathered Tiger’s food to take to the vet. I packed everything I needed for the single-night hotel stay.

With one exception.

My glasses.

I only realized my error when I pulled out my contact case that night. And I panicked. I haven’t been without my glasses at night in well over a decade. And at that point, I could still sort of see.

Now?

Nothing.

I visually inspected the route from the bathroom to the bed, removed my sight and used the wall to get myself to the safety of the bed. At least it felt like a bed.

Where I promptly began to freak out.

Strange environments and sudden blindness are not amicable companions.

“If there’s an emergency, I’m completely dependent upon you,” I told Brock, anxiety bleeding into my words.

He immediately had me navigate the path to the bathroom – and my contacts – several times before he was confident I could do it quickly.

Somewhat relaxed, I felt for my Kindle, closed my left (really bad) eye and tried to read since that is how I fall asleep. My nose kept changing the pages.

Thank goodness for podcasts.

I realized that night that there is a huge difference between choosing to be vulnerable (as I have done with my writing and my now-husband) and forced (and surprise) vulnerability. I much prefer the former.

And I am ever-so-grateful that I was with somebody that I could depend upon completely, even though I hated the feeling of being so helpless.

And maybe most importantly, I have promised myself to never, never forget my glasses again!

 

 

7 Revealing Truths About People Who Cannot Be Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear quite frequently from people wondering how and why their exes enter into new relationships so quickly, as though one foot must always be grounded in a partnership. They question if the displayed and professed love is real or if it is merely a show. They are curious how their former love seemed to move on so quickly while they are still struggling to simply let go.

Over the years of discussion and observation, I have seen the following characteristics appear time and time again in those who seem to always jump from one relationship into another. As with any generalizations, these traits will not fit all people equally.

Those that are perpetually in relationships tend to be romantics. They believe in soulmates and True Love and believe that it’s simply a matter of trying on partners until you find the one with the right fit. Romantics love the rush of a new relationship and truly believe that this time, it’s the one.

Relationship-hoppers are optimistic, rather than view past failed relationships as a sign of something wrong, they frame it as a sign that they need to try again. They aren’t the type to be bitter about former flames or love in general. They don’t spend time beating themselves or their exes up. They just move on.

The never-single tend to be giving, generous with their time and their attention. They may take this too far and develop their own self-worth through what they do for others. Or, they may give as a way of strengthening the attachment (think the stereotypical “sugar daddy” arrangement).

People that can’t be alone are often insecure. Perhaps they define their worth through the value of the partner on their arm. Or they believe that they are not enough on their own and so they seek guidance from a lover. They see themselves reflected in their significant other.

An avoidance of singlehood is also a sign of dependence on others. I frequently find that they had a domineering mother or were the youngest child. These are often people that have been conditioned to not think for themselves. Being alone for them triggers more than just loneliness, it brings with it an inability to cope.

Not wanting to be alone frequently arises out of fearfulness. They are afraid to be unloved. Scared to face life’s challenges alone. Worried that they will never find love (again) and so they jump at any chance just in case it’s the final opportunity. They may be afraid of the world and their favored hiding place is within the confines of a relationship.

The always-partnered may be unreflective. They are more prone to external action than introspection and self analysis. This lack of soul-searching helps them move on quickly, but can also mean that they carry the same problems with them into successive relationships.

There is no “right” amount of time to wait between relationships. The time needed is different for every person and every situation.

If you think you may have a tendency to rush into relationships too soon, read this. It will give you some points to consider.

If you are wondering how your ex could move on so quickly, remember that you’re only seeing part of the picture, the part they want you to see. And their story is no longer yours. No matter what they’re up to, you do you!

Forget New Year’s Resolutions! Resolve What’s Eating You Inside

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you make a resolution for this year?

Three days in, how are you doing with your resolution?

Still going strong? Awesome!

Or are you starting to think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic with your goals?

The reality is that most resolutions “fail,” not because we are weak but because we are bad at looking at the bigger picture. We craft resolutions that are sprints and then expect them to go the distance. We confuse effort with outcomes and neglect to address the very real obstacles in our way.

Yet we try again each year.

And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:)

So if your New Year’s resolutions aren’t working for you, try these resolution hacks instead!

I’ve never been a fan of resolutions. They always seemed punitive to me – starting with the belief that you’ve been “bad” and need to be “good.” They are usually black and white, leaving little room for adjustment. Most people give up on their resolutions within weeks; I merely need to count the heads in the gym every January to see this in action. People start out with the loftiest goals and, when they fail to meet them, they often internalize the failure, leading to the demise of the intention.

A standard resolution only scratches the surface. It focuses on the number on the scale rather than your relationship with that number. It looks at the balance in your bank account and discounts how that number is related to your self-worth. As such, even if the resolution is reached, there may still be a residual sense of unhappiness as the real issues remain untouched.

All of that is not to say that resolutions are inherently ineffectual. Growth and change is important and should be embraced (no matter the date on the calendar). And it can be done while embracing your imperfect, human self. Rather than see resolutions as a single question, pass/fail exam, look at it as a process, a cycle. There is no failure, no shame in being less than perfect. Rather, each time you fall short of your intention, is simply a sign to learn and begin again.

Sure, you can set a goal about what you’re eating. But in order to tackle what’s really eating you inside, complete the following statements and exercises:

“I can’t…”

Start by identifying your self-limiting beliefs by recognizing the restrictions you place on yourself with your thoughts and your words. Maybe you think you can never obtain that degree or complete that 5K. Perhaps you’re convinced that you’ll never find love again or that you can never get over a lost love. Spend some time brainstorming here. These thoughts become so natural, so much a part of us, that they soon become part of the surroundings and difficult to identify.

Now that you’ve identified what you believe you can’t do, it’s time to prove yourself wrong. Pick one of your limiting beliefs about yourself and make it happen. It will be difficult, mainly because your biggest opposition is your own mind.

I tackled one of my own “I can’ts” on my 30th birthday. Until that point, I had never been able to run a mile. Even in school. I had various excuses – asthma, a bad ankle – that all had some merit. But my real obstacle was myself and my internal narrative that said, “I can’t run.”

So on that birthday, I went to a local part with a half-mile track and I ran halfway around it before I collapsed. I went back the next day. And the next. Six years later, I ran a full marathon, officially proving myself wrong.

I could have phrased my resolution as simply wanting to run a marathon. But by thinking of it in terms of removing a self-imposed boundary, I was able to gain a sense of confidence and achievement that would not have been possible otherwise.

“I’ll be happy when…”

We all have a tendency to play this game, assuming that once the goal weight has been reached, the promotion earned, the child conceived, we will be happy. Uncover your own factors that are keeping you in life’s waiting room.

That was the easy part. The surface.

Now, dig into why you believe you’ll be happier once that particular goal is reached. How do you think your life will look differently? How do you expect you’ll feel differently?

And then question the assumption that you have to wait for that event to occur before you can be happy. Craft a duel resolution that provides steps towards your goal while, at the same time, focuses on your happiness while your working to make that intention a reality.

We often assign an almost-magical ability to an unachieved goal, believing in the dream that once that one piece is in place, everything else will be smooth. This two-prong resolution approach helps to limit that magical thinking while also ensuring that you’re not wasting your life in limbo, waiting for a goal that may never be realized.

I found myself embroiled in the “I’ll be happy when…” fallacy after my divorce. I was facing years of payments on the debt that my husband accrued and dumped in my lap. Payments that meant I had very little money to spare on extras or even necessities. I was counting down the months until I would be free of the debt and also be happy again. As though I could only be happy when I had money for myself.

A few months in, I found myself angry. At myself.

Yes, my ex left me the debt, but I was allowing it to hold me prisoner. I made a promise to myself to not feel limited by my financial situation. Even as I worked to pay off the balances, I worked even harder to pay myself. Not in money, but in experiences and things that brought me joy.

I could have made a resolution to simply pay off the debt. But then, I quite possibly could have found myself back in the black yet still feeling bankrupt in life.

 

“I’m grateful for…”

I’ve always found it funny that we focus on gratitude for what we have in November and then follow it with a focus on what we don’t have in January. Every resolution can benefit from a side of gratitude. Be thankful for what you have at the same time you’re striving for what you want.

I never said this would be easy. But it will be worth it once you resolve what is really eating you inside.

What Happens When You Confuse Desire With Belief?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

How long did you believe in Santa? Before you finally accepted the truth, did you have that one year where questions started to arise but you so desperately yearned for the big jolly man to be real that you convinced yourself that he was the one leaving the gifts under the tree?

It’s so difficult for me now to understand how I could have been in the dark about my ex husband’s hidden life. It all seems so obvious to me now, clarity arising from the passage time and the draining of emotion.

But back then? I was in the dark.

Completely and utterly blind.

I remember the fury that would arise in me when others postulated that I must have known something was going on, that I must have had at least some suspicion.

I didn’t blame them for their assumptions (I would have thought the same at that time, had the roles been reversed). Yet their questions angered me beyond my ability to feign politeness. I would retort with a laundry list of the lies he told and the clever acts he committed to hide his deceptions.

But I never told them about me. About my own part in my blindness.

About how I confused desire with belief.

And how wanting something to be true made me convinced that it was.

There are a variety of motivations behind our desperate desires.

That child, grasping onto Santa, is reluctant to release the idea that magic is real and that their parents are not some bastions of truth. That the world is both more and less mysterious than the storybooks would have us believe.

And then that child grows older. Falls in love. Becomes convinced that the emotions must be both stronger and truer than those felt by others. The desire for that love to be true love results in a sloughing off of any niggling doubts, arising both from others and from some protected recesses of their own mind. That dream for perfect love is strong.

Decisions are made. Paths are chosen. Desires are expressed and forgotten as alternate paths fade into the background. A need emerges, rooted in fear, to believe that the chosen path was the right one. Judgement may further obfuscate other options in an attempt to keep questioning at bay.

Desire confused with belief.

A wish mistaken for truth.

That child, upon the realization of santa’s fictional status, may be devastated. There may be anger directed at those that maintained the fantasy. After all, when belief is shattered with truth, there are always cuts. But later, with growth and reflection, that same child may well realize that parents who cared enough to nurture and protect a child’s fantasy are more important than a rotund man with a penchant for red velvet.

The one who loved so deeply, upon experiencing heartbreak for the first time, will learn that love may not be as simple and pure as fiction would have us believe, but that it can be even more powerful. And that love is more about what it asks from us than what it gives to us.

And when one is able to look back at life’s decisions with an open mind, an acceptance of paths chosen while also admitting that they may have been made in error, there is opportunity. A chance for clarity.

Belief recognized as desire.

Like many (if not most) people, I entered into my first marriage with a strong desire to be accepted and protected. I wanted security and I thought that he provided it. I wanted a promise on companionship and I was under the impression that he would furnish it. I wished for a lifetime of marriage and I expected we would have it.

I wanted these things so badly that I believed that I had them. When small questions started to bubble up in my marriage like the first signs of a pancake ready to turn, I quickly popped them and carefully avoided looking underneath. On some level, convinced that if I wanted it badly enough to be true, it would be my reality.

My belief held strong, fortified by fear, until it was torn away in one bloody swipe. My hopes, my dreams shattered.

It was only later, fortified with time and distance, that I realized that those desires posing as belief had held me back. Kept me quiet. Resulted in opportunities lost and risks never taken.

Made me blinded with fear.

And I made a decision to never again close my eyes and make a wish.

But instead to keep my eyes open and never again to confuse desire with belief.

 

How to Learn When the Test Comes Before the Lesson

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I love the quote about life being a cruel teacher, administering the test before the lesson (which I believe is from Oscar Wilde originally and is now being attributed to Drake??).

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And it’s true, isn’t it? We’re presented with challenges that we don’t yet have the tools to overcome. We face situations with which we are unfamiliar and unpracticed. Somehow, we muddle through and make it through, only to look back later and finally reach a level of understanding.

My now-husband once made a statement about I handled my divorce gracefully. I laughed at the absurdity of that statement, remembering my early (and rather ugly) emails to my ex and my hours spent trying to learn everything I could about his other wife and his other life. I made poor decisions. I was reactive instead of proactive, since I was making it up as I went along.

My now-husband then clarified, “No, I mean after the early emotional stuff. You didn’t try to punish him and you used the experience to make yourself and others better.”

And that’s how life’s lessons are:

Hard.

Messy.

And only understood after you’ve survived the test.

Read more about my own test in this new piece over at DivorceForce.