5 Reasons Why the Anticipation Is Often Worse Than the Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anticipation

The yoga classes I take are usually of the hot variety. The room is heated to around 96° with humidity that threatens to fog the glass by the end of class. I’ve been practicing hot yoga long enough that the temperature doesn’t usually phase me after the initial shock of entering the studio.

This morning was a little different. It was warm enough, as Atlanta tends to be in the summer, that my AC was running at a steady clip as I drove to the studio. Even before 10:00 am, the heat radiating off the blacktop caused beads of sweat to form along my hairline as I walked across the parking lot.

When I walked in, the entire studio was already balmy from the combination of the earlier class and the scorching temperatures outside. I started to slip my shoe off to tuck it under the bench when I paused.

My mind started traversing through the expected sensations of the class. I was already hot and I began to dread the idea of willingly allowing myself to become even hotter. As I anticipated the discomfort caused by the intense heat, I contemplated slipping my shoe back on and heading to the sanity of the air conditioned gym.

My anticipation told me to focus on the discomfort rather than the outcome.

 

Anticipation is a mixture of prudent foresight and alarmist anxiety. It tempts us by promising that preparation is key. And then it traps us in a potentially endless cycle of “what ifs” and worry.

1 – Anticipation Is Often Pessimistic

Anticipation has a devious habit of focusing only on the worst possible outcomes. The delayed arrival home is attributed to a bad accident. The upcoming public speaking engagement will surely be met with ridicule. The readout on the scale must be a sure sign that the latest attempt at healthy eating isn’t working.

The problem with anticipation is that one known fact is then followed by a series of thoughts like the rungs on the ladder, a linear progression of if…thens… leading to false conclusions. The reality is more like a web of millions of possible paths and outcomes following any given fact.

 

2 – Anticipation Focuses on the Hardship Rather Than the Overcoming Of It

As the small plane slowly climbed to 14,000 feet, I glanced back at the small carabiner that was technically the only thing keeping me from being sucked out of the open doorway. With each foot of increased altitude, my anticipation of jumping out of the plane climbed as well. I was mentally rehearsing the walk to the door and standing in the open and roaring maw without the perceived security of holding onto the frame. My anticipation was so focused on getting out of the plane, that I was completely caught off guard by the sensations after I left its metal body.

And that’s how anticipation is. It builds and builds like a roller coaster clicking up the first, large hill. It only sees the initial gut-wrenching drop, the first step, the beginning onslaught. Anticipation rarely addresses how we might overcome the hardship or how we might feel once our feet are back on the ground.

 

3 – Anticipation Causes You to Live Life’s Hardest Moments Multiple Times Over

By the time my ex husband left the marriage, I had already lost him dozens of times over in my imagination. It had been my greatest fear. And even though those nightmares only occurred in my own mind, they felt real. I experienced that gut-hollowing feeling several times due to my anticipation and apprehension of living without him.

Once that worst case scenario really did occur, I only had to experience it once more. Even as I struggled to breathe through the pain, I found comfort in the knowledge that once I moved through each stage, I would never again have to revisit it. Even in my dreams.

 

4 – Anticipation Robs You of the Benefit of Action

Anticipation is like playing chess only without the ability to ever move your pieces even as your opponent zeroes in on your queen. The purely mental exercise of anticipation can lead to a feeling of powerlessness and futility.

When the anticipated becomes reality, it is often accompanied by a driving need to do something. Action provides a sense of progress. Of control. Of purpose. As long as we’re moving, we’re happier. 

 

5 – Anticipation Causes a Break in the Mind-Body Connection

When something challenging actually occurs, the body immediately steps up to assist. Adrenaline production is increased, causing the focus to narrow to only the most important and increasing the heart rate to encourage action. Cortisol joins the efforts and helps to increase the glucose supply to the muscles, prioritizing immediate energy over longer-term storage.

After enduring horrific traumas or extended periods of extreme difficulty, many people will state they have no idea how they made it through. And part of that amnesia and associated sense of disconnection from that period is due to the body’s chemistry working as both a motivator and a funnel, directing the mind towards choices that favor survival. Perhaps most importantly, the action required bleeds the stress hormones from the body, eventually allowing the return of a normal physical state.

When we’re anticipating, our minds are engaged in the full horror of the event. Our bodies, unaware that the terror is purely imaginary, dutifully step up the production of stress hormones. Only this time, without the accompanying action to deplete the hormone stores, their elevated levels soon become the norm, leading to life lived at threat level red.

 

 

I completed my yoga class today. The actual discomfort from the elevated heat was far, far less than what I had anticipated. And taking the class on such a hot day had an unexpected benefit – the August air felt cool as it kissed my shimmering skin on the way back to the car.

A beautiful reminder of the quote by Mark Twain, “I have experienced many troubles in my life, most of which never happened.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Harboring Any of These Toxic Thoughts?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
toxic thoughts

By now, I think we’re all pretty aware of toxic people. Those emotional vampires who use, abuse and bully their way through life. We’re better able to identify those one-sided relationships that leave us shattered and shelled, picking our splintered pieces off the floor. And we’re less tolerant of the mistreatment, less willing to provide sanctuary and more apt to excise toxic people from our lives.

It’s important that we tend to that external garden, pull those weeds from our lives and erect boundaries to contain those prone to overgrowth and encroachment. Yet it’s perhaps even more critical that we attend to our inner garden, nurturing those thoughts that beautify us and eradicating those that become noxious weeds.

Are you harboring any of these toxic thoughts?

If Only

The “what ifs” are the kudzu of the mental landscape, covering everything else with their tenacious tendrils until your normal thoughts are starved for both light and air. The thoughts of what might have been or what could potentially be are seductive, whispering possibilities of dreams unrealized, situations untenable and paths never taken. These thoughts of “If only things were different…” are toxic because they are rooted in fantasy and magical thinking, counting on only wishes to grow. Their winding ways make us feel as though we’re taking action, yet they really just keep us moving in circles.

Instead, use your desire for things to be different to identify areas of discontent. Then, clear away the winding wishes to see what truly lies beneath. You may likely find that the source of your dissatisfaction isn’t what you initially thought as you begin to see things differently. And then, once you know what you’re working working with, you can devise a plan. And some real action.

I Can’t

The toxic thoughts of “I can’t” cause us to see walls where they do not exist, holding us prisoner of our own minds. “I can’t” and its cousin, “it’s impossible” shut down any possible solutions before they’re even entertained. These toxic thoughts are fertilized by fear, the anxiety of attempting something and finding it difficult or even reaching failure stamping down the motivation to even try.

Before you allow yourself to reach the conclusion that something is impossible, allow your mind to explore the possibilities without censor. Play with the ideas. Don’t worry yet about the feasibility. Yes, part of this exercise is to help you discover a potential solution or option. But perhaps the most important part of this assignment is simply to help you realize that you are not trapped. Even though some ideas may be impossible, others will be within reach.

I’m Broken

The injurious thought of “I’m broken” has a permanence to it. It suggests that the breakage is absolute and endless, a shattered and worthless self scattered upon the floor.  It’s a natural thought to have when you’re experiencing the gut-ripping of piercing pain and facing a situation that has left you undeniably changed.

It makes sense to accept the alterations that have occurred in your life and, in response, to you. It’s healthy to begin where you are (as opposed to living with the “if onlys”). Yet it’s limiting (and not accurate) to think that the pain and the change mean that you can never be whole again. You’re different, yes. And you have everything you need to be okay again.

You may feel like you’re in pieces, but you don’t have pieces of you missing. Here’s one of the best allegories of that concept ever done.

It’s All or None

“I’m not ready to get married again, so I can’t date.”

“My ex was unfaithful, therefore all men will cheat eventually.”

“My attempt at online dating was unsuccessful, so I’m destined to be alone forever.”

All of these statements contain the poison of all or none thinking at their core. An inevitable line is drawn from a single date to a wedding. One person’s bad behavior is extended to an entire gender. And a failure in one venue for a period of time is assumed to continue in all arenas and for all time.

All or none thinking is a form of mountaining – looking at our obstacles in such a way as to make them appear much larger than they actually are. These can be difficult thoughts to dismiss because they do contain some truth and it’s often easier to write off an entire choice rather than explore the issue further.

Be conscious of the path your thoughts lead you down. You may be reaching conclusions that are more mirage than reality.

Outcome-Focused

This type of toxic thinking is related to, “I’ll be okay if…” It confuses our agency over our actions with control over the outcomes. And that’s a fruitless and frustrating place to occupy because your energy is being directed elsewhere while you begin to feel drained.

When our thoughts are focused on the external results, we risk missing opportunities for internal adjustments. Furthermore, we may attach false beliefs and labels to ourselves, believing we “failed,” when really we’re measuring the wrong thing. Be aware of your locus of control. If something exists outside of that, release any attachment to the outcome and instead pay attention to what you can alter.

Here’s a quick rundown of what is your stuff…and what is not.

I Give Up

Knowing when and being willing to let go is an excellent trait to have. And it is completely different than the toxic thought of giving up.

Giving up is born from fear or frustration. Sometimes this is wise. Your fear may be telling you that the path is too treacherous and it is safer to turn back. However, fear is a sly companion. It is the taxi driver capitalizing on your ignorance to lead you astray. Fear will lie to you and tell you that you are in mortal danger when, in fact, you are perfectly safe. When you quit, you are listening to that fear and believing its stories. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed that you chose to throw in the towel. You may get defensive, throwing up walls and justifying your decision. When we give up out of fear, we often feel unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unsettled. When you let fear be your chauffeur, your destination will not be the one you intended.

Letting go happens when you face your fear. It is that moment when your fear is telling you to grip tight and you choose to release. Letting go is born of acceptance, an understanding that you cannot control all of the outcomes. Letting go gives a sense of peace. Of weightlessness. Giving up is easy. Letting go is not. It is conscious, deliberate act that may take years or decades. It requires patience and compassion. Give yourself that gift and be the driver of your own life.

Who Are You Becoming?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You become the five people you spend the most time with.

It’s a common saying. And although perhaps not demonstratively true, it certainly has veracity. It’s one of those phrases I encountered so often, that it began to lose it’s meaning. And then one day, about six months after my ex left, I found myself delivering that saying to a student who was making some poor social choices. As I was counseling her about her choices, I began to simultaneously reflect on my own.

I was doing great with the actual people that I was surrounding myself with – people with quality character from a wide range of age groups and backgrounds. I felt good about the friendships I had built and the new people that I was attracting into my life. As my student starting talking through her connections, I was feeling at peace with mine, as they were all people I was happy to emulate.

And then she mentioned a person – a former friend – and explained that although they no longer saw each other, that other girl was still a major (and negative) influence on my student’s life through the muddied channels of middle school drama and the burgeoning world of social media.

I stopped short. This thirteen-year-old girl, that I thought I was teaching, just taught me something. Because even though I was confident with the physical people in my life, I was spending substantial mental time with the shadow of my ex. In fact, if I thought about the energy invested and the influence received, he was definitely in the top five. If not even number one.

And I certainly didn’t want to become like him.

 

 

15 Ways Fear Hides in Plain Sight

Posted on by stilllearning2b
fear

It’s one of the few times my mom ever screamed at me. Because of that, the memory is seared into my mind.

I was six years old and ecstatic to visit the “Happiest Place on Earth” for the first time. We were standing at one of the monorail stations, waiting to board the next high-speed train. Curious about the way the unique system functioned, I darted off through the crowd to peer down into the track.

My mom’s angry shriek brought me back from the edge.

But it wasn’t really anger she was expressing, was it?

It was fear.

Fear is a strange emotion. Sometimes it’s easily visible – the shaking hands, the trembling voice, the widened eyes. It can be expressed as worry or anxiety. Or marked with the words, “I’m scared” or “I’m nervous.”

But even more frequently, fear masquerades as something else, especially in people who have been taught that it’s “weak” to show fear or, like with watching your child about to be hit by a train, the fear completely overrides the system. Additionally, fear is not a pleasant emotion and we often allow it to morph into other forms in an attempt to distance ourselves from the discomfort.

So the fear manifests as anger or control or dependency. And if we can learn to recognize – and respond to – the fear behind the mask, we can improve the communication and the interaction.

The following are fifteen common ways that fear hides in plain sight:

1 – Anger

“You’re never going to see the sun again!” the mom angrily threatens when her teenager shows up three hours after curfew. “You’re grounded for the rest of your life!” The parent certainly comes across as furious, with their reddened face and raised voice. But their slight tremble reveals the true emotion – fear that their child wasn’t returning home at all.

2 – Rejection

“I’ve realized I always seem to break up with guys right when we’re getting close,” my friend revealed to me one day. To the men, this behavior read as surprise rejection. Upon further consideration, my friend determined that she ended things out of a fear of growing closer and getting hurt.

3 – Isolation

I am fascinated with the people on the show Life Below Zero, especially Sue, who lives in an extremely isolated camp near the arctic circle. She never reveals much of life story, but her drive to be alone speaks to a deep-seated fear of being close to people.

4 – Irritability

“Why isn’t he picking up his phone,” I grumbled to myself, feeling my annoyance build. On the surface, my irritation stemmed from not having an immediate answer to my benign question. But beneath that impatience was a burgeoning fear that the call went unanswered due to some tragic accident.

5 – Stubbornness

Teaching me to ride a bike was a true exercise in my patience for my parents. Even though I was physically capable of mastering the technique by the age of 7 or so, it took an additional 3 years (and plenty of banana split bribes) for me to lose the training wheels for good. On the outside, I exhibited stubbornness, a resistance to practicing or to removing the supports. On the inside, I was afraid of falling.

6 – Control

Upon hearing about her daughter’s plans to marry before obtaining a college degree, a mother begins to try to dissuade the daughter and the intended husband through manipulation. It comes across as controlling, yet it stems from the mother’s fear that her daughter will not be able to look after herself.

7 – Meanness

The new girl showed up at my school in the middle of eighth grade. She was tall, blond, beautiful and had the best style any of us had ever seen. As the boys tripped over themselves in an attempt to get to know her, the popular girls began immediately to slander her reputation and make her life miserable. This “mean girl” routine was performed out of fear, the popular girls afraid that this interloper would steal their top spot and move them down the (very important in middle school) social ladder.

8 – Delusion

“I won the computer in a raffle at that networking thing I went to today,” explained my then-husband as he placed the new MacBook Pro on the kitchen island. The claim didn’t resonate as true, yet I still accepted his alibi. Because seeing the truth – that my husband was capable of extreme deceit, was too scary to face.

9 – Clowning

I had one student that would become disruptive towards the end of every unit of study. He would interrupt, annoy other students and basically treat the classroom like his own personal stage. Once I became aware of the cyclical nature of the behavior, it became apparent that the clowning was an attempt for him to manage his anxiety about not being prepared for the upcoming assessment.

10 – Distraction

I stood in line for the extreme roller coaster that advertised the steepest drop in the country. As people approached the start of the line, where the view of the first plummet jutted out at a sickening angle, they began to pull their phones out of their pockets and turn their attentions to something less frightening.

11 – Overly Cautious

“I don’t want to get a driver’s license,” the seventeen-year-old revealed to me. I don’t want that responsibility. The former student was one of the more mature ones that I have taught and was more than capable of safely handling a motor vehicle. Although she never admitted that she was afraid of the liability that comes with a license, it was clear that she was holding back out of fear.

12 – Judgmental

“I would NEVER get divorced,” a person on Twitter announced to me. “I would stay and fight for my marriage.” At first, I grew defensive, reacting to the subtext that I too-easily quit on my marriage. Then, it registered that this person’s judgment was really just a veil over their fear of losing their own marriage.

13 – Barriers

“Hi, I’m Lisa. I’m moving out of state within the next few months.” This was basically how I started my first several dates after divorce. I was afraid of getting hurt again, so I basically refused to allow anyone entry.

14 – Dependency

The eighth grader felt more like a preschooler, with his lack of maturity and independence. Once I met his mom and heard her story of a string of miscarriages and years of infertility finally leading to one successful birth, I understood. She was so afraid of losing another child, that she was determined to keep her surviving one a child forever.

15 – Overcompensation

He was easily the largest man in the gym, his biceps roughly the size of my head. Yet although he looked the part of confident bodybuilder, his physique was born of insecurity, a fear that he wasn’t quite enough.

How to Audit Your Personal Energy Budget (And Why It’s Critical That You Do)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When it comes to your money, I expect that you have some sort of budget or at least a sense of what is coming in (and where those dollars are coming from) as well as what is going out (and some idea of what that money is being spent on). Additionally, you have learned that spending more than you’re earning will eventually lead to trouble and that to avoid this you either have to spend less or somehow earn more.

We have an understanding and acceptance that there has to be a balance between money in and money out. Yet when it comes to something arguably even more important – our own energy – we are often much more careless and frequently operating in the red.

And just like financial debt is stressful and unsustainable, energy debt causes us to operate below our ideal and can even lead to an energy crisis and total breakdown. When we’re drained, we’re irritable, easily overwhelmed and have trouble making good decisions. And when we’re not at our best, we struggle to take care of others, so balancing energy in with energy out is especially critical for those in a caregiving role.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s imperative.

A personal energy audit is about becoming aware of where you’re allocating your limited energy and how you’re reviving yourself. Once you’ve taken these simple steps, you’ll be well on your way to a balanced energy budget.

The 7 Steps of a Personal Energy Audit

1 – Make a list of all of the things you do that require energy. The big-ticket items will probably come easily. To help think of the others, scan through a typical day and consider if each activity leaves you more or less energized than before. Pay special attention to your “plugged-in” activities such as television and social media. We think of these as restorative, but are they for you?

Build this list over a period of several days. Are you spending energy thinking about a loss in your life? Giving energy to a toxic person? Delivering energy to something or someone where there is nothing to show for it? Be honest with yourself. After all, you have to recognize it before you can change it.

Instead of a list,  you can create a simple pie chart that illustrates what percentage of your energy is currently being allocated in each direction. This visual can be helpful to highlight any possible imbalance.

2 – Make a list of all of the things you do that provide you with energy. To help you think of ideas, reflect back on a day when you felt especially energized or contemplate what you would do with a full day by yourself. Add things to the list even if you’re not currently utilizing them. Don’t get confused between physical energy and emotional energy. You may find that something like a walk leaves you energized even though it requires the burning of calories. If you prefer a visual, this information can be displayed in a frequency chart.

3 – Start by looking for overlapping items. These are key because they operate at close to a zero sum game, both requiring and providing energy. Make note of these. If you’re so inclined, the information up to this point can even take the form of a Venn diagram.

4 – Next, consider your expenditure list and rough percentages dedicated to each item. Are these areas where you want to spend energy? Is there energy being wasted? Are their items you can eliminate or reduce? Can you shift some energy from an area that is only an expenditure to one of those that overlaps with the deposit column? You only have a finite amount. Don’t waste it.

5 – Look at the list of things that give you energy. Are there more areas that you can add? Are there any you can increase in frequency or duration? Strangely, we are often resistant to the very things that restore our energy. Try adding structure in the form of a schedule. Or, promise yourself that you’ll do five minutes of the activity (this works great with exercise) and then give yourself permission to stop at that point. You’ll probably find that you wish to continue. Additionnally, simply being conscious that these activities help to restore your energy balance may lower the initial resistance to action.

6 – Be mindful of the “Starbucks Effect.” Just like small expenditures of money can slip through our fingers without much conscious thought, small amounts of energy can be allocated other directions without our intent. And these small leaks can add up. Before you spend energy on someone or something, ask yourself if it is a worthwhile investment.

7 – Aim for an energy surplus or balance. If you add something to your expenditure list, either cut something else out or add find a way to “earn” more energy. Build your reserves in the easier times so that you can pull from your reserves during the difficult periods. And when the hard times do come, make a conscious effort to rebuild your energy at every available opportunity. Think of it like uncovering the coins beneath the couch cushions. Every little bit helps.

Over time, this conscious spending of your energy becomes habit and the periods of total exhaustion will be fewer and further between. And once your energy is going towards the things that directly benefit yourself, others or the world, you’ll find a sense of peace and well-being that comes from being your authentic self.