How Hope Works For You…And Against You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.”

Desmond Tutu

There was a time when hope was all I had. Everything around me was in tatters and in its destruction, all that I had believed and loved for years was called into question. I clung to hope like a drowning man clutches a life raft. I had to believe that the darkness and despair were not absolute and that there was a way out of the ruination that surrounded me.

That hope became a beacon, a guiding light. It allowed me to wake with purpose and whispered me to sleep with comforting thoughts. Hope became a reason to keep going, a motivator and an influencer. Hope shone its light on the underside of the pain, helping to illuminate the gifts hidden within.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hope says that the now is not always. Hope tells us that tomorrow can always be better and that we can overcome the obstacles in our path. Hope gives us a reason to try harder and a provides a purpose to the pain. Hope tells us it’s not over and assures us that we can rise above our challenges.

Hope takes the long view, projects the big picture. Hope takes us out of ourselves and into the greater connected world. Without hope, individuals would not survive unsurvivable odds. Without hope, humanity would not tackle insurmountable odds. And without hope, there would be no reason to try again.

Continued hope in the face of the seemingly impossible is perhaps one of mankind’s greatest traits. For without hope, no great achievement can ever be reached.

“Hope is a good breakfast but a bad supper.”

Sir Francis Bacon

Perhaps the best repercussion of the way my first marriage ended is that any sort of reconciliation was completely and utterly hopeless. I had no choice but to accept that the marriage was over and that my husband was (and would remain) a virtual stranger.

Most do not have this luxury. I speak with so many people who are grasping onto hope that their partner will change. They see the potential in the person and they stay and continue to exert effort in the hope that the potential will be reached. And even when reality is saying otherwise, they are listening to their hope.

In this case, hope becomes more of a shackle than a beacon when it is applied to controlling the uncontrollable. It can be the reason people stay in abusive relationships, order invasive and fruitless medical interventions or even just believe that somehow their financial problems will resolve.

“Hope is a beautiful thing. It gives us peace and strength, and keeps us going when all seems lost. Accepting what you cannot change doesn’t mean you have given up on hope. It just means you have to focus your hope on more humanly tangible and attainable goals.”

Julie Donner Andersen

Hope on its own is based on the fiction of dreams. It works best when it is anchored in the acceptance of reality. Yet, irrational hope is at the root of so many miracles, from the irreversible brain damage that heals to the shipwreck survivor that endures weeks afloat at sea. If those people limited themselves to the facts, they would not have made it through.

Sometimes the impossible happens because somebody dared to believe that it could.

Yet one thing is certain , no matter where your hope is focused and how reality-based it is, it only works if you do. Hope without action is just a wish.

So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am in complete and total awe and amazement of those who manage to be friends with their exes after divorce. I feel like I’m doing well to be able to speak his name (rarely) without vomiting.

Yet some make it work. Sometimes they discover they get along as long as they’re not married. Or they rediscover a friendship after the animosity of the divorce has faded. The truly heroic manage to create families that blend the old and the new.

But for every pair that has a mutually agreeable relationship after divorce, there seems to be a couple dozen that don’t. Some are at perpetual war, either of the cold or hot variety. Others maintain a civil discourse or avoid contact all together.

And then there’s this situation, where one person wants the ex at arm’s length (at least) and then the ex implores, “Can we please be friends?”

Here are ten questions to ask yourself before you answer this question. 

The Elephant in the Room: How to Talk to Those Experiencing Grief

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When bad things happen to good people, we’re often at a loss of how to respond and what to say. The loss becomes the elephant in the room – too unwieldy to discuss yet too big to ignore.

Here are some thoughts on how to talk to people who are dealing with loss or tragedy:

 

 

Bringing It Up

Sometimes we hesitate to bring the subject, as though the person has forgotten that their husband has left or their family member has died. You don’t have to worry about saying something that will make them think about something that they’re not already thinking about.

When everybody refuses to acknowledge the loss, it can lead the heartbroken to believe that they are alone in their pain. The mention of it lets them know that they’re not alone in their memories and their suffering.

All that being said, be cognizant about when you bring it up. At work, the person may be doing all they can to hold their grief behind a dam of conviction. And a reminder at that point may breach that wall. Also, be mindful of their response to your words. If they change the subject or shut it down, respect their wishes. If they want to talk, listen.

If you’re the one suffering in silence, let people know if and when it is okay to bring it up.  And if your friends and family cannot talk about it, perhaps it’s time to find a support group of people who can.

 

Speaking About Your Experiences

It’s natural for you to want to share your similar experiences. And there is quite a lot to be said about the power of “me too.” Yet be careful here not to minimize the experience of someone else by implying (or stating outright) that your situation was worse. Also refrain from claiming that you know exactly how they feel. Even if the circumstances are identical, the responses won’t be. Your experiences may allow you to empathize, but that’s a long way from actually being in their shoes.

If you stick your foot in your mouth by complaining about how bad traffic was on the way to their loved one’s funeral, apologize. And then forgive yourself. When we’re emotional, we often respond with nervous energy and a lack of appropriate filters.

If you’re on the other side and somebody says something ignorant to you, try to let it go. They are either trying to connect and they failed miserably or they haven’t experienced anything in the same universe as what you’re going through and they’re clueless.

 

Offering Platitudes

“It’s for the best.”

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

“It was meant to be.”

Just don’t. I am a huge believer in silver linings, yet there is also a hell of a lot of polishing that has to happen before you can see those. And for those in the midst of grief, there’s nothing shiny about what they’re seeing.

Often what people need more than an assurance that it will be okay is reassurance that it’s okay for them to not be okay right now.

Instead of platitude, offer condolences. Offer thoughts. Offer prayers. And offer to just listen, without judgement.

If you receive some of these platitudes, try to remember that they’re coming from a place of love. Those who care about you don’t want to see you hurt and they’re trying to reassure you (and them) that you’ll make it through.

 

Expecting Them To Be “Over It”

Grief does not speak calendar. They’re not going to be suddenly healed after a month. Or three. Or even a dozen. The pain of loss ebbs and flows, but it is always there like the pools left behind from an outgoing tide.

It’s unfair to expect them to be “back to normal” after a period of time. In fact, their normal may in fact be different now. Be compassionate about where they are in their pain. Accept that they have been changed by their experience and that this is not about making you feel comfortable.

If you’re experiencing people telling you that you should be “over it,” begin by asking yourself if there is any credibility to their claim. It’s easy to become stuck in grief and sometimes this is how others let us know that we need help to keep moving. If this is not the case, read this and try to refrain from punching the person.

 

Accepting Your Own Triggers

Loss has a strange way of bringing up all past losses. When you look at the faces at a funeral, some are crying for the life being honored on that day, some are crying at the remembrance of past losses and many are weeping for both.

Be mindful of your own triggers when helping someone else through their grief. These can be reminders about your past experiences or even triggered fears about what could happen to you in the future. This is one (of so many) reasons that losing a child is so hard – the other parents cannot bear to fathom that loss themselves and so they often create distance from the impacted family.

Be honest about what you’re feeling. If needed, get support for yourself so that you can be present for your loved one.

If you’re the one facing loss, understand that not everybody will be able to be present for you because of their own struggles. It doesn’t mean they care about you any less, it just means they are also wrestling with their own emotions.

 

Overall, the most important thing you can do for somebody else is to simply be there. Letting them know that they are not alone.

Are You Running Towards or Are You Running Away From?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the best leaders I’ve ever worked for told me her greatest lesson about hiring good people –

I only hire people who are running towards something, not those who are running away.

Her words settled into my brain throughout that afternoon and evening. The more I considered them, the more profound and wide-reaching they became.

 

I thought back to my early attempts at dating after the divorce. I was looking for men to distract me, to heal me. To save me. I ended up in their arms as I was running away from my pain and my present situation. I wanted an escape and I was looking for it in dating profiles and arms that looked as though they could protect me from the world.

It didn’t work for long.

Some of the men were also running away. And so we ran into each other. Splat. Soon realizing that we were never a match. Others had fantasies of being the white knight swooping up the distressed damsel and so they stationed themselves to catch ladies running away from their captors. Only they wanted to hold me captive as well.

I eventually found the courage to stop running away from my pain. To instead invite it in, curious as to what it had to teach me. I began to find peace with where I was, no longer so impatient to be somewhere else. I knew something was different when I no longer had the same driving compulsion to find a man, to be partnered. I was okay alone.

I slowed, no longer gripped by the anxious energy telling me that I needed to flee.

The whole time, I kept dating. (Even though I was learning how to be with the pain, it was still nice to be distracted!) And a shift started to occur. I stopped focusing so much on my past, on what happened to me and I started taking steps to the future. I began to picture the type of man and the kind of relationship I wanted.

And my momentum began to pick up.

I started to run towards my future.

This felt different than the earlier flight. It wasn’t motivated by fear; it was fueled by excitement.

I was seeking rather than avoiding.

Looking forward instead of backward.

Building the new not escaping the old.

 

What’s your motivation? Are you running away from what you want to avoid or are you running towards what you want to create?

 

 

 

Five Steps to Making a Difficult Decision

Posted on by stilllearning2b
difficult decision

I was twenty-two years old, newly married, a full-time student and a homeowner when my then-husband was laid off from his job. My part-time front desk job and four-year plan to secure a masters degree in physical therapy were suddenly no longer viable options. I needed to act and I needed to do it quickly.

And that’s often how life operates – we are faced with difficult choices under pressure with no clear-cut answers. Here are five steps you can take when you find yourself at a challenging crossroads with more questions than answers:

 

1 – Distinguish your needs from your wants.

This may be harder than it appears at first glance. Our wants often scream louder than our needs and try to convince us that they must be attended to. Conversely, our true needs often wear disguises, afraid to make their presence known.

Wants will often arrive with a more emotional response, picture the tantruming toddler denied their desired treat. Needs are often more practical, less enticing and harder to identify. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and decide where you need to begin. You may be surprised how often that’s at the first step of having basic physical needs met.

 

2 – Establish your priorities.

This is often the stage where we are subject to undo external influence, where we fall sway to pressure to do things a certain way. Slough off the “shoulds.” Don’t worry about what “looks” right to the outside world. Don’t think about how many Facebook likes your decision will receive. What are your priorities?

What is most important to you may change throughout your life and in different circumstances. Strive to be curious here rather than judgmental. There are no wrong conclusions. By taking the time to identify your priorities, you are more likely to make a decision that honors your core values and beliefs.

 

3 – Identify the options that are off the table.

This step is key. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of wanting things to be different. To feel as though we’ve made a decision yet that decision requires someone or something about the situation to change.

Be honest with yourself. If you can’t directly alter the situation, eliminate that option. Disregard any “solution” that relies on someone else to change in the way you believe would be beneficial. Similarly, exclude any possibility that is anchored in magical thinking. Limit your options to the ones that are really and truly available to you.

And be aware – the ones you have to eliminate are often the ones that seem “easy” and the ones left behind often feel scary and even impossible. That’s often a sign you’re moving in the right direction.

 

4 – Generate a ranked list of the pros and cons of the available options.

Once you’ve whittled down your choices to the ones that are available and have a good chance of meeting your needs, write out the known pros and cons to each decision. Then, rank each potential benefit in the pro columns and each potential consequence in the con lists.

You may find that one choice carries the biggest risks yet also the greatest potential gain. Or, you may find a clear winner where the most impactful benefits are clustered without many significant detractors. We often become so emotionally invested in a decision that we fail to take all of the possible cons into account. This step can provide some needed clarity.

 

5 – Choose one possibility and act.

You’re not looking for the perfect choice here (it may not even exist). You’re seeking the good enough option. Make a choice, shelve the others and make the leap. Make a commitment to invest 100% in your decision for a set period of time. If you give it your all, it has a chance of success. If you only partially dedicate your energy, it will likely fail.

And then at some predetermined juncture, re-evaluate. Is this choice still working? Does it need to be retired or merely tweaked?

 

Here’s how this played out in my life almost twenty years ago:

1 – I need a degree. Stat. One that directly leads to a career with stability and a decent paycheck. I need to find a way to earn more money while I’m completing this degree.

2 – I want to be able to help people and need to know I’m making a difference. I enjoy working with math and science.

3 – My desire to go into physical therapy is no longer on the table. My wish for my (then) husband to have a career in a steady field is out of my control.

4 – Once my lists were made, I could see that some options were riskier than others. And risk was not what I was seeking at that time.

5 – I made the choice to enter into teaching. And apart from a few breakdowns when I’m overwhelmed, it has been a rewarding and stable career that capitalizes on my skills.

 

Big decisions are never easy. Choosing one door often means nailing the others shut. There’s a balance between rushing into action without much forethought and spending so much time debating that you avoid action.

Assess your situation. Make your choice. And then take that step with the trust that your decision will lead you the right direction.