Changing the Reflection in the Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On the day after I was left, I looked in the mirror. I saw a woman who had been discarded. Thoughtlessly thrown away like some worn-out or unfashionable sneakers. Good enough to be walked on, but no longer deemed worthy of the necessary closet space.

Some days when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who wasn’t good enough. As though looking at a negative, I saw myself for what I was lacking rather than for what I possessed. “No wonder I’ve been abandoned,” I thought, “I’m obviously lacking.”

Other days, the reflection in the mirror seemed too loud, garish even. Fearing that my riotous reflection would clash with others, I pulled back, pulled in. I turned down my volume in an attempt to evade rejection.

We all have a particular reflection that we’re prone to glimpsing when we look in the mirror –

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m lazy.”

“I’m a piece of shit.”

“I’m weak.”

“I’m only valued for …”

“I’m too much.”

“I’m broken.”

“I’m a coward.”

Words that were spoken to us in childhood by trusted adults or inferred by internalizing and personalizing the actions of those around us.

And without our conscious awareness, that reflection becomes the lens through which everything else is filtered.

I first became aware of my self-reflection in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband. He would get angry about something (which was a new experience for me to navigate since my ex carefully tucked away any ire) and I would begin to panic.

Not because of the words that were said.

But because of the words that I heard.

It’s not what the words say. It’s what the words say to you.

If you believe that you’re worthless, a slight criticism becomes confirmation of your inferiority.

When you see yourself as a piece of shit, the slightest mistake that hurts another becomes evidence that you’re a jerk.

If you’re convinced that you’re only valued for your looks, a passing comment on your appearance supports the belief that people only care about your physical presentation.

Each remark – whether it be positive, negative or neutral – is heard within the context of our beliefs about ourselves.

We assume that others are seeing the same version of us that we see in our own reflection.

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your courage or strength in a moment where inside you were feeling scared and weak? It can be challenging for us to comprehend that how we feel inside is often not how we present ourselves to the world and that others may have a very different view of us than we do.

When it comes to ourselves, we hear what we believe.

In my case, if somebody insults my responsibility or work ethic, I can easily shrug it off. Those are character faults that are in no way present in my own self-image, so it is simple to see those barbs as poorly aimed and meaningless barbs. But if someone says something that matches the reflection of the worthless woman in the mirror? That hits close to home and can even become part of the portrait reflected back at me.

No matter how much the people around you change, what you hear won’t change until your own self-reflection does.

Here’s the hard part – you can change the people you surround yourself with. You can set and uphold boundaries about what sort of commentary about yourself you will permit. But as long as you still identify with that negative reflection, who will continue to hear the words that confirm your self-belief.

If you want to change how others treat you, it starts with changing how you see yourself.

Holiday Survival Tips for the Divorced and Separated

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no season more polarizing than the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. For some, it is eagerly anticipated as they welcome the time with family and tradition. For others, it is a season filled with dread, as it has an uncanny ability to highlight what we do not have. For those in transition from one life to another, from partnered to single, from big family to small, it can be a tricky season to navigate but a little effort and reframing can go a long way. The following are some tips for the divorced and separated that can can help you reclaim your holiday rather than hiding from it.

 

Let Go of the Way it Was

It will not be the way it was before. Don’t even try to make it stay the same. It is an exercise in futility. But here is the most important part – just because it is different does not mean it cannot be just as good. Or even better.

We resist change. It’s normal. We prefer things to stay the same rather than to venture into the unknown. Change is scary but it also means that the rules have been lifted.

If you have kids, this is a good conversation to have with them. Let them know that the season will not be the same. Remind them of other changes in their lives that were scary and unfamiliar at first but that turned out to be good – the birth of a sibling, the change of a grade, the move into a new home. You are their model for how to handle change. Wear it well.

 

Put Yourself on a Media Diet

Sometimes I think that the Christmas ads and movies have to be sponsored by the drug companies that make antidepressants. There is nothing so disheartening as to constantly compare your life with the saccharine-sweet images of perfection that bombard us ever winter.

It’s impossible to avoid them all but you can limit your exposure. Put down the Pintrest. Walk away from Facebook. Record your TV shows and avoid the commercials. I would not, however, recommend wearing a blindfold at Target. You might accidentally purchase a reindeer sweater.

Consciously choose to read and watch and listen to things that build you up. That remind you of what is really important. That make you feel good about your life.

 

Give it Away

There is no better way to shut down a pity party than to give to others. If you are unanchored during the holidays, it is a perfect opportunity to volunteer. You can find opportunities at your local churches, through a Meetup group or through a local charity. Inquire at a nearby hospital or senior center. There is always a need for volunteers during the holidays. If you don’t like the idea of being around people, volunteer to help out at an animal shelter. Make or wrap gifts to send to children or troops. You can touch others lives even if you never leave the house and that connection will help to make the holiday better for both of you.

 

Create New Traditions

Try to see this as an inspiring time to create new traditions. The sky is your limit. Who says that Thanksgiving has to mean a formal turkey dinner? Where is it written that Christmas must occur around a tree? After my parents split, my mom decided that Thanksgiving was meant to be carried out in a campground, a tradition that Brock and I uphold today. I know of other families or individuals that take trips. Some redecorate. By starting a new tradition, you are staking claim on the holiday, controlling it rather than letting it dictate how you will feel.

I May Not be Traditional

 

Reschedule the Holiday

For those of you in the difficult position of not having custody of your kids on the holidays (whether every year or every other), this can be a powerful tool for you if you know how to use it. Use the calendar to your advantage. We often receive more happiness from the anticipation of an event rather than the event itself. If you do not have your kids on Christmas, reschedule your holiday (and remember, you can make it whatever you want) for a few days or weeks later. This gives you something to look forward to when your ex has the kids and capitalizes on the inevitable letdown that kids have after the frenzy of the holiday.

 

Redefine Family

I have had the wonderful experience of being “adopted” into various homes over the years to celebrate the holidays. The invitations were usually offered after the usual “What are your plans for Christmas” exchanges. I am so thankful for the families that included me over the years. Yes, sometimes I felt like the odd one out, but mostly I just felt loved and supported. There are most likely families in your life that would happy to extend an invitation to you. Just be open and willing.

Brock and I now are able to be the home for other Christmas “orphans.” If you are in a position where you can have people over, look around you for others that may not have a place to go. Ask them. And remember, you can create your own traditions. In our home, we tend towards Mexican lasagna and martial arts videos. Not quite traditional, but quickly becoming tradition:)

Ghosts of Christmas Past

 

Spontaneity and Silliness Are Your Allies

This is a great time to practice saying yes. Yes to new opportunities. Yes to smiles. Yes to chances. Don’t take it or yourself too seriously. Get out of your head and just be. I recommend doing something you suck at to encourage the giggles. For me that’s not too hard. Ice skating or anything requiring a downhill usually does the trick. It’s hard to be morose when you’re constantly falling on your butt.

I’ve Fallen, But I Can Get Up!

 

Embrace the Solitude

All of that being said, there is no way around the basic truth. Those first few holidays without your partner can be horribly lonely. Isolating. It’s a bitter reminder of what you had and what no longer exists.

Face the loneliness and then, go one further, and embrace the solitude.

Some of my most powerful and spiritual experiences have been in those moments. Those solo hikes through empty woods. Those isolated drives insulated from the rest of the world. Those moments in a crowd where I seemed to be the only one without a mate.

Feel the power within yourself. Recognize that you can chose how you want to feel and you can create a holiday season that is meaningful for you.

Even if it includes awful reindeer sweaters.

 

The Most Important Lessons From My Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Often the lessons we need most are the ones we are most resistant to. I never wanted to be divorced. In fact, losing my husband, through any means, was my greatest fear in life. So, when I found myself suddenly facing divorce at the age of 32 after being betrayed by my best friend and partner of 16 years, I was lost.

The best lessons can often be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a window where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. It is a time when the ego has been forcefully stripped away and we are able to face those challenging lessons that we may usually avoid. In those moments, we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

The following are some of the lessons I learned on the heels of my divorce:

1) When Gratitude is Your Wrapping Paper, Everything is a Gift

You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your attitude. I wasted time after the divorce being angry and playing victim. Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to soften and to look at the bigger picture. The divorce and its associated trauma happened; I could not alter that reality. I could, however, choose to change my reaction. I have begun to practice radical gratitude – being thankful for the man who deceived and abandoned me. I began by writing a list of ten reasons I am thankful for him and I continue to write a note of gratitude every time I make a payment on the debt he left behind. The situation hasn’t changed, but I now can view my divorce as a springboard for better things.

2) Happiness is Your Choice

I used to tell my husband, “You make me happy.” I meant those words as a compliment, an endearment. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. When he left, I realized that if he truly made me happy, then he also took my potential well being out the door with him. I also began to see the unfair burden I placed on him by making him the keeper of my happiness. That was not fair to him or to me. I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I can choose to be happy with or happy in spite of. Regardless, it is my responsibility.

3) The Past Doesn’t Stay Buried

My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. He denounced their dynamics and always said that his biggest fear was turning into his father. I took his word for it; I thought he was safe from their destructive patterns since he was aware of them and wanted to make different choices. I underestimated the power of the past. If there is one thing that alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets. Apparently those lessons of silence and secrets were too embedded for him to overcome. The skill set was just waiting in the wings until the right moment came along. When he began to struggle during our marriage (with money, alcohol, depression, employment…who knows?), his reflexes kicked in and he covered it up. The past is like a vampire – if you try to defeat it solely by burying it, it will come back to bite you.

4) “Knew” is Not the Same as “Know”

I met my husband when I was just 15. I knew his family. I knew everything from the name of his elementary school to his biggest fears and wishes in life. I thought I knew him. I could describe every little nuance of my husband with the utmost confidence. It was misplaced confidence. I didn’t realize that the man I knew was no longer the man in front of me. We are all fluid, changing with age and environment. Getting to know someone never ends.

5) Work Avoidance Goes Both Ways

I have always had a tendency to work. A lot. I always saw that as a positive trait, an asset. It was only more recently that I realized that my drive to work was often out of a fear of what I would see if I slowed down. The divorce acted like a highlighter in my life, illuminating areas that I used to avoid through work. I learned to slow down and to trust in my ability to face the present. I now breathe through discomfort rather than try to hide from it.

6) The Body Often Knows More Than the Mind

For the last couple years of my marriage, I seemed to catch every cold that came through the school where I worked. I had trouble sleeping, often waking in the middle of the night. I sensed a tension coursing through my body – a low level yet ever-present anxiety. Since there were no outward signs of discord in my marriage, I assumed the tension was due to a difficult time at work. I was shocked to realize, after I recovered from the initial trauma of the abandonment, that my body was more relaxed than it had been in years. I now listen to my body’s messages even when they seem unfounded.

7) Wellness is Not Measured in Hours at the Gym

I used to think I was well. I ate a healthy diet, exercised daily and even managed to do a little yoga once in a while. I used to think I was well, but I wasn’t. After the divorce, I had to rebuild my health and this time, I had a much more holistic and balanced approach. I became a math teacher after struggling with the material myself as a child. I was drawn to wellness coaching for a similar reason. It allows me to utilize my teaching skills along with what I have learned about wellness from a balanced standpoint after my own journey.

8) There is a Difference Between Trust and Complacency

My ex husband gained my trust over many years. He held his word and voiced his thoughts. I trusted him completely. I trusted him so much that I became complacent. I assumed the trust would remain and that he would continue to be honest and faithful. I assumed wrong. I have learned to trust again (through the help of my dog!) but I will never again become complacent. My eyes now remain wide open.

9) Life is Not a Waiting Room

I used to be an expert at delaying life. I would prioritize work and promise myself a break in some imagined future. I would squirrel away money, imaging it being saved for some mythical future. When the divorce washed away my life in one destructive wave, I realized that I was waiting rather than living. I still work hard and I’m still frugal natured, but I no longer put life off for the future.

10) Holding is Out of Love; Clinging is Out of Fear

I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. It was only afterwards that I saw the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move. I now have healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of my control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” Facing my fears has had a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

With some of these lessons, I am now doing master’s level work. With others, I am repeating the introductory course. Either way, it is okay. The point is not to make an “A,” rather the intention is to be open to new lessons and to persevere through even the most difficult tutorials. I just hope I don’t have to endure such a harsh teacher again!

 

Online Dating for Dogs…Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Last winter, after the sudden and traumatic loss of our beloved Tiger, we began an earnest online search for a new companion. I immediately recognized the parallels between online dating for a human partner and the technology-enhanced search for a canine companion –

 

On the ninety-minute drive to meet the puppy, I mentioned to my husband that I was way more nervous about these dates than I had ever been about a date with a man. After all, on my human dates, the only thing at stake was the possibility of another date. A commitment that extended for a few hours and maybe made the decision to end things a little more messy.

But with a dog?

The stakes are much higher.

It’s less, “Hey, I think I like you and I would like to see you again” and more, “Well, you seem pretty cool. How about you move in with me for the next ten years?”

Other than that, the process is pretty similar, whether the companion sought is human or canine. The brief paragraphs describing the potential partner are read and re-read, carefully analyzing the words chosen. The pictures are scanned, trying to determine chemistry and attraction through a few static pixels. Memories of the former partner keep rising to the surface and with them, the inevitable comparisons that you keep swatting away in an attempt to keep your vision and perceptions clear.

Upon meeting, your senses are on high alert, trying to both take in your first impressions and also carefully monitoring for any red flags. There’s the usual awkwardness, as you’re trying to pair up rhythms and form tentative tendrils of nascent trust. There’s the exploratory dance with its unspoken questions: “Do you like me? Do you think we could make this thing work?” and its silent answers: “I do. I think so.”

There’s the strange mix of excitement for the rush of new love and trepidation for changing the status quo. The underlying and pervasion question of, “Am I doing the right thing?” And the fear, that sits heavy in the gut, of opening the heart again when the pain of loss is still so fresh.

We finally pulled up outside the address that was given to us for the first date. We sat in the car, waiting for the reply to the text saying that we had arrived.

I had conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I wanted the dog to clearly not be a good match so that the decision was already made for us. On the other hand, I wanted the dog to be a perfect fit for our family so that we could begin the process of sharing our lives with a pup again. Of course, what I wanted had no bearing on what we were going to find once we went through that door.

 

As a result of that “date,” we brought Kazh into our lives. He’s been an amazing companion for the last year and we’ve loved to see him grow into a happy and stable dog.

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Hiking buddies

But we’re back on the market.

Not to replace Kazh.

But to find him a sister.

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This is what happens when I attempt to do yoga at home:)

It’s harder this time around. The fear of making the wrong decision is more acute. Because now, he’s our primary concern and responsibility. We have to make sure we make the right choice for him, even if it causes our heart to break.

It’s the difference between re-entering the human dating market without kids and with them. Before, it’s only about what you want. After, it becomes about what is right and fair for them.

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After his daddy’s neck surgery, Kazh wanted to show his support.

And making that choice for another is a huge responsibility.

(Huge kudos to all the single parents out there putting their kid’s needs first. It’s not easy and it is SO important. They may not thank you now, but they will appreciate it later.)

We met a girl that we like. But ultimately, it’s up to Kazh. If he says, “no” when he meets her this week for a trial pack walk, then we move on.

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A pit bull in a pit bull hat:)

 

 

Are You Writing Your To-Be List?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would wager that barely a day goes by where you are not at least partially driven by a to-do list. Whether scribbled on a slip of paper, stored neatly in your phone’s database or merely a memorized inventory of all that you need to accomplish, you move from one task to another. As you cross each item off the list – laundry, gym, phone call to the bank – you feel a sense of accomplishment. But all too often, that feeling of achievement is short-lived as you look back down at the ever-growing list of tasks that need attending.

 

To-do lists are important. They keep us organized and productive. They help to maximize our time and ensure that necessary items are addressed.

 

To-do lists are important.

 

But they are not everything.

 

Because we are so much more than simply the tasks we accomplish. Our value is found more in who we are than in how much we can cross off in a day.

 

I used to be the self-appointed queen of the to-do list. I had them at work. I had them for home. I even had them for down time. I would hurry through each task so that I could cross it off and start the next. I got quite a bit accomplished in those years. But at quite a cost.

 

As I was busy with my to-do lists, I neglected the most important matters in life.

 

I forgot to be.

 

I was merely hopping from one duty to another without much time to pause or even be present with the task at hand. My body would be engaged in one chore while my mind would be planning the next. I would run myself ragged until at some point, I would simply collapse from exhaustion. It was no way to live.

 

It took quite a wake-up call to pull me away from the security of my to-do lists – a 16-year marriage that ended with a cold and callous text message. When those few words appeared on my phone’s LCD display, I lost everything that held meaning in my life.

 

Including the to-do lists. It no longer seemed important to make sure that all of the test papers were graded by the next day. It was no longer critical to wash dishes as soon as they were sullied and a coffee date with a friend took precedence over getting the laundry done.

 

My priorities shifted from getting through to building relationships and appreciating the moment. I learned to balance the need to “do” with the experience of being.

 

Being present.

 

Being patient.

 

Being grateful.

 

Being peaceful.

 

Being joyous.

 

Being loving and being loved.

 

Being mindful and in the moment.

 

I crafted a “to-be” list and posted it next to my computer – a reminder of what is truly important in life. It’s a different type of list; the items are never meant to be crossed off and completed. And as long as I accomplish what is listed on my to-be list, it is a good day. Even if there are still dishes in the sink.

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