Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“But what if I lose the friendship?” I thought as I debated about pressing send on the text message.

“So what if you do?” my inner voice replied, “Would that be so bad?”

Feeling guilty, I worried that I would be perceived as rude. I was concerned that this person would decide to cut off all contact in protest of adhering to my request. Rereading my words, I analyzed them for signs of disregard that may lead to hurt feelings.

“Maybe I should just suck it up,” I thought, placing the burden solely on my shoulders where it had taken up residence years before.

“You’ve tried that,” the inner wiseman again replied, “And how’s that been working for you?”

For many of, setting, communicating and maintaining boundaries is a struggle. Here’s why –

Learned Behavior

For those that have been raised to be People Pleasers (™) or decided to take that role upon themselves, setting boundaries feels just plain wrong. The thought of instating limits brings up counterarguments of hurt feelings, disappointment and anger. Guilt soon follows and the consideration of boundaries is left by the wayside.

When you have been taught to subjugate yourself for others, the setting of boundaries feels neglectful or even cruel. “I have to help,” you think, even when helping is at the expense of your own health.

One of the boundaries that I set for myself in the early days of teaching was this –

Never help somebody more than they are willing to help themselves.

It’s a good reminder on the limitations of what we can do for another and also a prompt to look out for yourself too.

Fear of Loss

Setting or reinstating boundaries in a relationship always contains some risk. After all, things will change. And you cannot control if the other person responds by respecting your newly confirmed limits or instead makes the decision to exit the relationship.

Sometimes, we avoid laying down the line because we fear speaking up. We convince ourselves that it is better to stay silent and just deal with it instead of facing the unknown.

It does take courage to speak up. You may face consequences you would rather not deal with. And the relationship could end.

But when the alternative is losing yourself, it’s a risk worth taking.

Low Self-Worth

If you don’t believe you’re worth protecting, you won’t put the effort into building boundaries around yourself.

Go back and read that again.

So often, we fail to set boundaries because we don’t believe that we deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At some point, we have absorbed the idea that we will only be loved for what we can do or be for others.

And so we give them full access to ourselves even when they leave a mess behind.

You matter.

Never let anyone else convince you otherwise.

Overwhelm and Fatigue

Sometimes the reason that boundaries are neglected is as simple as a limitation of time and energy. You can see this in single parents with their children when, after a day filled with work to pay the bills and an evening filled with arguments about homework and dinner, there is simply no energy left over to enforce the rules about screen time. It’s easier in the moment to simply give in.

One clue that energy is the problem is that the boundary has been communicated and established but the maintenance has been neglected. At some point, the testing has become too much and the lines fall.

I’ve been feeling this one myself even as I write this today. Our new rescue pup has been testing me, interrupting nearly every sentence with an action that needs correction and reinforcement. I’m tired. I’m getting frustrated. Yet I also know that if I give in by letting her go wold or give up by crating her so I can finish, I’ll simply be postponing the inevitable (and incidentally, making it a more difficult job).

Energy is indeed finite. But those boundaries that protect your personal sanity and well-being are not the place to skimp.

Like with anything, practice makes better. Start small and build your boundaries one at a time. Taking care of you is not an indulgence. It’s a necessity.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wish there was a class in high school that taught people about the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries in personal relationships.

Unfortunately, the powers-that-be decided that learning the exact year of the Battle of the Alamo was more important than learning how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others. And so, we’re left fumbling about in adulthood trying to figure it all out.

The following are signs that you might need to put some effort into setting or strengthening your boundaries in one or more relationships –

Anger

Anger is often one of the first signs that our boundaries have been crossed. It provokes a sense of being disregarded or even assaulted as others railroad us in pursuit of their own desires.

Often, either shock at the disregard for another’s feelings or an entrenched discomfort with anger prompts us to keep our mounts shut in the name of keeping the peace. And well it’s true that boundaries should not be set in anger, anger is a sign that they may need to be instated once tempers have eased.

Frustration

Anger requires energy and energy is a finite resource. Over time, when boundaries are continually ignored, anger waters down into chronic bitterness or frustration. This is an interesting state because our irritation is aimed at the other person when often we hold the key to change it.

Of course, a certain amount of frustration is inevitable whenever you’re dealing with a fellow imperfect human, but if it has become a constant companion, it’s the light on your dash informing you that your boundaries are low.

Exhaustion

Having your emotional and intrapersonal space invaded on the regular is exhausting. Relationships require energy, but if yours is continually leaving you feeling drained and wrung out, it’s a clear indicator that some guidelines need to be established.

This is often an ignored sign of a lack of boundaries because when you’re feeling exhausted, the last thing you want to do is expend the energy to create and maintain new conventions. Yet here’s the fact – if you don’t change your approach, you will remain feeling used and exhausted and if you invest the energy up front, you will eventually feel restored and revitalized.

Resentment

You know what people who ignore your boundaries don’t do? Appreciate and thank you for the opportunity.

Over time and with repeated disregard, you will inevitably feel resentment for the other person. Often, those of us that end up in this predicament have a belief that if we just give enough, the other person will love and appreciate us.

What we’re forgetting is that we teach people how to treat us. So if we give and give with no limits, we are communicating that self-sacrifice is to be expected. Interestingly, when giving occurs within well-established boundaries, it is both more appreciated and less self-sacrificing.

Walking on Eggshells

Frequently, boundaries are absent or poorly enforced within relationships that are control and/or fear-based. The encroaching partner seeks to dominate and the boundary-lacking partner is afraid of being discarded.

When a sense of walking on eggshells in an attempt to let sleeping beasts lie becomes the norm, it is important to take a look at what you’re willing to tolerate in the name of being with this person. If you struggle to see this clearly for yourself, think of what you would advise for a friend or your child in a similar situation. Would you want them to put up with the same behaviors you are?

When we’re in difficult or toxic relationships, we often fall back on wanting – or waiting – for the other person to change. What we often fail to realize is how much power we have to alter the situation. And that all begins with boundaries.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

What Are Boundaries in Personal Relationships?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Parenting can help us learn about boundaries. Imagine a family with a young child. In this household, the rule is, “No cookies until after dinner.” The child, as children do, continually tests this rule. “Maybe if I scream loudly enough, I’ll get that cookie”, they think. They push and poke to see what they can get away with, hoping that their will is stronger than the adult’s patience.

A practiced parent upholds the guideline firmly and without emotion, “You will get your cookie after dinner,” is repeated calmly and frequently in response to the tantrums.

The parent knows that this pushback isn’t personal, even if the child tries to make it seem so with screams of, “I hate you!” and “You’re the worst mommy/daddy ever!”. Just as we know that the no-cookies-before-dinner boundary is not created to harm the child.

Boundaries are important in adult relationships as well.

Obviously relationships between adults are different than those between a parent and child. The power dynamic is equally shared and personal agency is maintained. Yet even so, we can use those simpler relationships to help us learn how to create and enforce boundaries in the rest of our lives.

Boundaries are a statement of what you are willing to tolerate.  They do not seek to control someone else, yet they also are a refusal to be controlled. Like in the situation with the cookies and child, boundaries are not coming from a place of wanting to harm another. They are simply facts, communicated clearly and followed with consequences if broken.

Boundaries create a distinction that says, “This is me. And that is you.”

In adult relationships, healthy boundaries are a sign that each person has a strong identity and awareness of their own values. They are an indication that there is enough independence that each partner has the right to state their own needs and limitations.

Of course, your needs don’t supersede those of your partner. And so part of boundary-making involves risk. Because if they decide not to accept your guidelines, they may elect to leave. It’s a good reminder that you can control your actions, but not another’s response (nor are you responsible for that response).

Boundaries don’t negate “I love you,” but they do say, “I won’t love you if it means neglecting myself.” 

In the parlance of the commonly cited oxygen-mask metaphor, setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you won’t help others secure their life-saving devices. It simply means that you refuse to let them interfere with your right to affix yours first.

Boundaries are critical for the health of ALL of our relationships – romantic, parent/child, work, family and friendships. Effort spent in improving this domain will have far-reaching benefits for you and those around you.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

A Gentle Reminder Would Have Been Preferable

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve done it again this year.

I’ve let work consume me. Becoming more focused on what needs to get done than on the people I’m doing it for.

And as always, life has a way of reminding me to wake up. Pay attention. And worry less about what has to get done.

This year’s reminder has come in the form of a few fibroids and a smattering of cysts that decided that it would funsies to throw a party in the right side of my abdomen.

Ugh.

Over the past 19 days, the pain has gone from ignorable, to concerning, to debilitating and on to annoying.

I’m grateful to have answers now (even though I’m still waiting to hear about treatment options other than waiting for the party to wind down on its own) and a prescription for diuretics has made breathing an option again (seriously, hats off to all you ladies who have been pregnant – pressure from below on your diaphragm mades it damn hard to take a breath!).

I’m home from work again for a second day this week and I’ve been teaching sitting down with a heating pad when I am there. The list of tasks I need to accomplish before winter break has been ignored because by the time my planning period arrives, I’m doing well to not be crying on the floor.

It’s a good reminder that the body won’t go forever. That taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of others. That the world will go on even if I step back for a day or two. And that middle schoolers can be sweet beneath their often-surly exteriors.

The funny thing is that a much more friendly and furry reminder to enjoy the moments will be joining our family this Sunday.

IMG_3791

Meet Emma, an 18-month-old sweetie and soon-to-be little sister for Kazh. Here the pups are on their first meeting. My husband is seriously the dog whisperer. I love how Emma is looking at Kazh to learn how to act!

fullsizeoutput_ecc

 

Her foster mom has done an amazing job with her and I know that she’s going to have a hard time letting go. I am so grateful for the opportunity to welcome this pup into our pack and I can’t wait to see her learn and grow into a confident and balanced pittie:)

IMG_3D226B091F16-1

 

Refuse to Be a Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

 

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

 

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not wantto see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.

 

I did not want to be a victim.

 

But for a time, I was.

 

In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.

 

There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.

 

As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.

 

When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.

 

I chose the latter.

 

I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:

 

Rewrite Your Story

 

When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done tome) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.

 

Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.

 

Create Purpose

 

Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.

 

You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.

 

Make Changes

 

When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.

 

When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.

 

Find Gratitude

 

One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

 

You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.