I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

R.I.P. All Terrain Pug

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I received the sad, yet not unexpected news today that Max, my beloved pug dies this past fall.  My ex and I got Max when she was just a little puppy, 2 pounds of spunk and attitude.  She managed to pack the personality and courage of a mastiff into her little body, making sure that everyone knew that mighty Max was around.

One of my favorite early memories of her was when she was around 10 weeks old.  She could still fit in the palm of one hand.  We came home and found her curled on a pillow on top of the couch.  This was a surprise, as she had been placed in the bathroom with a babygate blocking the doorway.  The gate was still in place, but the dog was not.  Puzzled, we placed her back in the bathroom and sat outside the gate to watch.  She climbed the gate as though it was a ladder, teetered on her fat little belly on the top, and jumped/fell unto the floor.  She waddled towards us, so proud of her accomplishment.

She was a very smart dog (and extremely food motivated).  I once taught her to “crawl” in the time it took my ex to take a shower.  In her heyday, she knew the names of over 40 toys and would fetch the appropriate one.  That same food drive got her into trouble.  We only made the mistake of leaving a bag of food within her reach once.  On that day, we came home to find a half empty 30 lb bag of previously unopened dog food on the floor with a very fat pug sleeping just inside the walls of the bag.

We used to take her camping, hiking, and swimming.  Her enthusiasm and determination on these outings earned her the nickname “All Terrain Pug.”  I’ll never know how her stubby little legs managed those tough trails.  Catching deer was never her strong point, though; she would walk right by them and never even notice their presence.

She was our dog, but she was more mine.  My ex moved across the country for work and it was 7 months before Max and I were able to follow.  In that time, she and I bonded even more as we waited for our family to be reunited.  She was with me through my entire marriage, my entire young adulthood.

When my ex left, I was not able to care for her or the other dogs.  My friends and family helped to find homes for them.  Max was the challenge.  She was 14 years old at the time and already deaf and almost blind.  The pug rescue group was full and she was not adoptable.  I didn’t know what we were going to do; it wasn’t time to put her down, but I could not take of her myself.  A wonderful woman stepped up and agreed to take her.  She has provided a wonderful, loving home for my baby for the past few years. It was more than I could have ever hoped for.

Today, I am saying goodbye to my Max for the second time.  I always thought I would be there with her at the end and it is hard to know that I couldn’t.  My tears are for her passing, but mainly for the gratitude I have for her second mom, who gave her a home when I couldn’t.

 

Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is not unusual to experience loneliness during and after a divorce.  After all, you have not only lost your life partner, but often extended family and friends, as well.  Adding to that, divorce can be isolating.  It is all-consuming and others often tire of its dominance in your life.  It seems a cruel joke; when we need others the most, we can easily find ourselves alone.

I realized how alone I was when I could go places without needing to leave a message of when I would be back.  I would pick up the phone to share something I saw and realize that I had nobody to share it with.  When I was sick, there was nobody to send to the store for Gatorade and Sudafed.  The bed felt empty.  My heart felt emptier.

I very intentionally surrounded myself with people.  At first, this made me feel even more alone, as I felt like an interloper, a pariah with my pain.  I played the part, acting as though I felt included, until I actually did.  I realized that the feeling of isolation was my perspective, not reality, and I can change my perspective.

The Three Factors of Loneliness | The Emotionally Sensitive Person.

Two Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Two years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with.

Two years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none.

Two years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine.

Two years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that is was all over.

Two years ago today, I felt a weight lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden.

Two years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman.

And now, two years on, I could not not be happier with where I am.

And, I could not be where I am without two years ago today.

On the Menu: Chickpeas Three Ways

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some might see an entire menu centered around the lowly chickpea as overkill.  Not me.  I see it as inspired, creative, and adventurous.  Okay, I made that up.  Kroger had a great sale on chickpeas and I figured that if I was going to get out the food processor, I would make sure that I got enough use out it.

The Main Dish: Baked Falafel

This is another one from Appetite for Reduction.  (I promise I do own more cookbooks, but every time I open this one to make the recipe for one week, I spy one I want for the next.  Yes, it is THAT packed with good recipes.)  This is a really easy recipe that requires very little chopping (which is where the majority of my kitchen time usually goes).  You just throw everything in the food processor, form the result into patties, and bake.  I eat it with spinach, red onion, cucumbers, and tomatoes with a squeeze of lemon.  And, the best part for my crazy 15 minute lunch period, I don’t even have to reheat it!

The Side: Red Bell Pepper and Broccoli Hummus

The only problem with the above dish is that it does not contain enough veggies for me.  So, to make up for that, I made some broccoli hummus (gearing up the food processor again) and sliced some red peppers.

The Dessert: Cookie Dough Dip

I know what you’re thinking.  I said chickpeas THREE ways, and you’ve only counted two: falafel and hummus.  Your math isn’t off.  I stumbled across this recipe and I just had to try it.  Now, a more sane person would hold off until the menu was not already packed with the chickpea, but I never claimed to be sane.  It is a good thing this cookie dough dip is healthy, because it sure is addictive!

So, there you have it:  a main dish, a side, and a dessert all made from chickpeas!