How Your Belief in a Soul Mate is Holding You Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never been one to believe in soul mates. Even when my 22-year-old self said “I do” to the man I thought was perfect for me, I didn’t perceive him as “the one.”

And that idea may have saved me.

Because when the man-who-wasn’t-the-one decided to leave the marriage with a text message one day, I believed that I could create a happy marriage again and that I wasn’t merely a victim of fate.

There’s an allure to the idea of a soul mate, the belief that there is one person that is your perfect companion. The idea brings peace when relationships end (it’s over because he/she was not the one) and serves as a beacon of hope that everything will be okay once the right person enters your life.

We like the idea of a predestined partnership.

It’s romantic. It’s encouraging.

But it’s also limiting at its best and damaging at its worst.

 

 Here are five ways that your belief in a soul mate is holding you back.

Parting Gifts

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex made sure that I didn’t leave the marriage empty-handed.

No, he gave me a parting gift.

Or actually, gifts.

And they keep on giving.

 

He left me with several unpaid (and unknown) debts in my name as well as an unpaid mortgage on the house he obtained in the divorce.

I thought I knew about all his gifts, but it turns out there was one (oh please, let it be only the one!) hidden for later discovery.

 

I finished paying off the last of the debt in my name last month after a generous gift from my father. Last night, I logged on to Credit Karma to check to see if the account had been marked as “paid.”

It had. But something else caught my eye.

It turns out my ex never made the last four payments on his car after the divorce. Yeah, the car he also obtained in the decree. Oh, and it goes without saying that my name was on that note as well.

I really hope karma was paying attention and notified the bank of his location so they could repossess the thing.

The part that makes me the angriest? My car is on its last legs and he got the “good” car and didn’t even pay for it.

Not that he’s paid for anything.

Sorry, frustrated today.

 

It’s the rare person that escapes divorce without some parting gifts.

For many of you, negotiating the custody and care of the kids is a constant source of stress.

Others are like me and face the ongoing financial burdens from divorce.

There can be ongoing health issues, employment concerns, housing difficulties.

Divorce certainly keeps on giving long after the papers are signed.

 

Amidst the frustrations of the night, I have some celebrations.

For the first time since the divorce, I was able to fully immerse myself in my credit report without any anxiety. Whereas before, I would either avoid looking or flood with anger and fear, this time I was able to be detached and unemotional. For the first time, I actually feel the hope. I’ve paid off everything I need to and, starting in 2015, the negative marks will fall off my record for the next few years. I can’t wait for the day when the only sign of him on my credit report is found in my former name.

This is also the first month in years where I do not have to make a payment on an account that paid for the honeymoon with the other wife and assorted other (and unknown) betrayals. My paycheck is mine.

I also am more aware than ever that the divorce was a gift. Even if it was wrapped in some pretty heinous packaging.

 

Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

 

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns.  It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

 

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

 

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.

 

 

How to Air Your Dirty Laundry

Posted on by stilllearning2b
I often receive messages from people who are contemplating starting a blog documenting their own divorce journey. They are usually nervous about discussing such personal detail in a public forum (me too!). And they have questions for me. Sometimes really good concerns, like the ones below.
Here’s my advice for those contemplating a divorce blog. I’m no expert. I screw things up a lot. But I do have several years experience now sharing my personal life with others (Why I Write).
Frankly, I’m kinda nervous to go through my writings and remember things I’m happy to have forgotten.
Yeah, it sucks. I cried a ton while writing the book and I’m still known to cry while writing (or even re-reading) certain blog posts. But it’s cleansing. The writing helps the processing and the repetition helps lessen the sting. We often want to hide from the pain, to pretend we are healed before we really are. If you read it and it still bothers you, you’re still holding on to the pain. The only way to truly heal is to go through it.
I’m nervous about looking pathetic and/or vengeful and/or vindictive
Some people will always read you that way. You should see some of my HuffPost hate mail. I finally realized that it’s their own garbage talking. But most people reading you will be going through their own divorce and they’ll get it. Trust me, we’ve all had some pretty powerful revenge fantasies. Don’t slander but also don’t be afraid to speak the truth of your emotions.
Over-sharing (maybe somewhat related to the above). there are things that divorced people fantasize that I assume would horrify the general public.
Create your own boundaries and stick to them. For example, I’ll share anything about my ex/former marriage (except his identity – read why) but I’m much more careful with my current marriage; much of that is off the table. As for the content, I’m not afraid to speak the brutal, harsh truth. It’s reality sometimes. An important note here – if your divorce is not final, most attorneys will tell you not to share publicly.
Something about letting sleeping dogs lie
I thought about that one myself once I entered into a stable relationship and had done most of the healing. However, I realized that it’s important for those of who have made it through and are willing to share our stories: beginning, middle and hopefully not-the-end.
The possibility that repercussions could involve her posting her own commentary that escalates things in a public forum.
It’s a risk. I don’t worry about that since mine has a felony warrant – it makes a nice “gag order” 🙂 Always assume that anything you write online (even if posted anonymously) can (and most likely will) be found by your ex and his/her family. If you have kids, they may see it too. Keep that in mind.
Since my documentation is almost exclusively emails to various people or gchats or text message, it is very personal and colored with visceral anguish. i wouldn’t know how to turn these into something along the lines of a palatable blog.
Just write. It’ll shape itself over time as you find your voice.
However, going with a “just the facts ma’am” approach, i’d fear being too cut-and-dried/black and white/matter-of-fact/sterile, and where is the catharsis in that? 
People respond more to emotion. Let your fingers be a conduit for your feelings.
Getting my facts messed up (he-said-she-said, second-hand communication, etc.)
Don’t worry about it. All memory is fallible.
Writing is one of the most effective strategies for dealing with divorce and loss. Sharing your story add another dimension: dialog with others, the sense of being part of a community and an opportunity to help people in a similar situation. However, sharing is not without risk. Make sure you plan ahead before you hang your dirty laundry out to dry on the internets.

–

 

 

Memories and Moments

Posted on by stilllearning2b

photo-47

This morning marks one year since I said “I do” again.

Even though I always knew I wanted to be married again, it was still a scary decision to actually do it.

To take that risk.

To be vulnerable.

But I am so glad that I did.

 

We celebrated our anniversary this past Friday with a room on the 55th floor of the Westin downtown. As we watched the Atlanta traffic from the vantage point of our room, I told Brock about my obsession with the fluid dynamics theory of traffic, a viewpoint my ex always teased me about. Brock not only didn’t make fun of me, he agreed. And we even had some fun watching and observing the arterial flow from 600 feet above.

photo 3-49

Later that night, after an amazing dinner at the Sun Dial, we watched some of Princess Bride from our bed. That was my favorite movie in high school and one my ex and I watched countless times together. And Brock didn’t even get mad at me for quoting the entire movie. Inconceivable.

 

I realized much of what I mourned at the end of the first marriage was not so much the loss of him but the loss of the shared history. The memories and the moments.

And what I’m now realizing is that those memories and moments can be built again. That they can exist apart from my ex.

That I didn’t lose as much as I thought.

And that what I have gained is worth more than what is gone.

 

I believe in marking moments. In recognizing landmarks and anniversaries. It’s a way of remembering. Of experiencing gratitude. And celebrating the good.

It’s a reminder to treasure the moments because someday they may only be memories.

 

Thank you all for all the kind words about Tuesday’s post. I hope the kiddos and fuzzballs enjoyed the extra love. I know mine did.