Saying Goodbye

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No goodbye is ever easy.

You’re never quite ready even when you know it’s the right thing.

An hour ago,  it was time to say goodbye to Maddy, the feline fuzz-ball that’s been with me through all of the transitions over the last 18 years.

As far as goodbyes go, it was a good one. She lived strong and happy until her final hours, Brock and I were both able to be with her and she never seemed to feel any pain.

But it’s still not easy.

I see her hairs everywhere. The closed door on the closet that, until moments ago, still held her littler box is shut for the first time since she became sick a year and a half ago. Tiger is mopey and refuses to leave my side.

I’m grateful I could be there at the end. As many animals as I’ve had, I was never there. I was too young for one, lived in a different city for another and the dogs from my former life all had new owners before it was time.

So it felt right to be there today. To hold that old body again returned to the weightlessness of her youth. To wrap her in the same soft blanket that soothed both of us during that awful year. And to see the peace and acceptance in her eyes.

No goodbye is ever easy.

But it’s a worthwhile tradeoff for a hello that lasted 18 wonderful years.

Snuggles with momma
Snuggles with momma
photo-142
Snuggles with daddy.
Snuggles with Tiger
Snuggles with Tiger
Just a week ago, trying to sneak some of Tiger's food.
Just a week ago, trying to sneak some of Tiger’s food.
Posing, hoping to partake in the "cat in a box" internet phenomena.
Posing, hoping to partake in the “cat in a box” internet phenomena.
Sleeping in the sun. Where she'll always be now.
Sleeping in the sun. Where she’ll always be now.

The Only Ones

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I visited with a friend and her I-can’t-believe-she’s-almost-six-years-old daughter, Kayla, yesterday. Kayla is at that stage where her time and experiences outside the family unit are becoming greater than her time with her parents. And so, like every curious kid at that juncture, she is starting to compare her situation and family with others. And her conclusion is that her mommy and daddy are mean to her sometimes. Just like every other six year old on the planet.

But perhaps Kayla is struggling with it a little more than some. Not because her parents are meaner (in fact, they are both amazing at being the parent that their daughter needs), but because Kayla is an only child.

As an only child myself, I never would have realized this connection on my own, but my friend, who has two siblings herself, explored this with me yesterday.

“For Kayla, there are two sets of rules in the house: what mommy and daddy are allowed to do (whatever they want from a kid’s view!) and what Kayla is allowed to do. When I was growing up, there were also two sets of rules: what my parents could do and what the kids could do.”

I immediately understood what she was saying, “So you didn’t take it personally when you had boundaries or were told ‘no.’ It wasn’t because it was you, it was because you fell into the category of ‘kid.’ Whereas for your daughter, even though her limits are because of her age, it’s easy for her to assume they are because she is ‘Kayla.'”

I felt a mental gear click into place.

It’s no wonder in relationships that we all too often take our partner’s words and actions personally. After all, in most cases, we are the only one that falls into the category of “spouse.” So we assume that the rejection or the betrayal or the neglect is because of us, who we are at our core, when it’s often because of the role we play and the position we occupy.

So next time you find yourself upset at somebody’s actions that you perceive as being directed, take a moment to think about little Kayla.

Is it happening because of who you are or is it happening because of the category you occupy?

Related:

Just Because It Happened To You, Does Not Mean It Happened Because of You

That Exasperating Dress

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Don’t worry. I’m not going to post a picture of it. Or even enter the debate about what color it is. If you’re anything like me, by late morning yesterday, you were ready to scream anytime you caught a glimpse of that picture (or one of its thousands of farcical spin-offs) or anytime someone mentioned a particular color combination.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m pretty sure that any search engine in the next couple days will be happy to show you a picture if you simply enter, “dress.” Fair warning – I’m not responsible for what happens. Once you’ve seen it, you’ll never be the same again.

I saw internet conversations go from confusion and curiosity into all-out rage wars. Even amongst my usually polite and educated friends. I witnessed screaming matches between middle-schoolers as they all waved their phones in others’ faces. And I’m sure that somewhere within the reach of this dress, words turned to fisticuffs over the debate.

From a scientific standpoint, I find the situation interesting. It speaks to the importance of lighting in how we see images and it reveals differences in our visual processing.

From a psychological standpoint, I find the situation fascinating. Look at how threatened people become when their truth is called into question.

Even when it’s about nothing of consequence.

I spent the day avoiding the dress and seeking out the responses. I soon noticed people fell into two camps: they either quickly began to question themselves and their own perceptions or they vehemently denied that the opposing view had any merit and insisted that their perception was the correct one (often gathering “evidence” to support their claim). And to be fair, there was a third group. Most definitely in the minority, and not nearly as verbose as the others, there were a few people I encountered that truly seemed not to care one way or another.

That first group is comprised of the group-thinkers. They are aware and receptive to the ideas of others. They respond with empathy and are willing to reconsider their own viewpoints if evidence points to the contrary. Taken too far, and these are the martyrs and enablers that will subjugate themselves at the will of another.

The second group are the game-changers. They are stubborn and can effectively communicate and enforce an idea. These are the people that are not afraid to stand alone as long as they stand for what they believe in. And sometimes, as in the case with every new invention or scientific theory, they’re right. Yet if this trait gets out of control, these are the ones that turn into bullies or narcissists, unconcerned about others and unwilling to reflect upon their own beliefs.

And that third group? They’re just going to quietly do their own thing no matter what scuffle the others engage in.

It’s just a dress. And an ugly one at that.

But often the smallest things contain the biggest truths.

Breaking Up the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would love to meet the person (people?) responsible for selecting and purchasing books for my local library. The diversity of the selection completely mystifies me – something that seems fairly standard and popular isn’t available in a downloadable form (here’s looking at you, Malcolm Gladwell) while books that seem relatively obscure and of a limited appeal (an account of stealing a moon rock) seem to populate my options. Along with a seemingly endless supply of bodice-rippers. Really, do we need that many bodices?

But sometimes, I happen to fall into the demographic that does have an interest in a particular topic and I’m surprised and delighted by a book’s inclusion in my selections.  Most recently, this happened with Dave Mustaine’s (the intelligent and often aggressive frontman of the heavy metal band, Megadeth)  autobiography.

The book served as a welcome diversion on a snow day and provided some background information on one of my favorite bands.

Like most bands that spread multiple decades, Megadeth has had its share of personnel changes. And as I was reading about the dismissal of various band members over years, I realized something –

Bands break up for the same reasons marriages do.

Ego

Sometimes the members have to consider the needs of the group over their own desires. Some people struggle with this.

Money

Disagreements flare over how money is earned and how it is shared. To some people, it’s everything and to others, it’s a means to an end.

Addiction

Drugs, alcohol or some other activity dominate a member’s world and impede their ability to function as a cohesive and contributing part of the whole.

Different Goals

One person may want to take on the world while another is content to enjoy life on the small stage.

Infidelity

Attentions are diverted from the group to a side project. Conflict and hard feelings ensue.

Different Styles

One person plays fast and the other, slow. One plays in the established grooves of the past while another strives to make his or her own road.

Commitment Levels

Session musicians are in it for the short term while the songwriter feels a strong devotion to the group.

Outside Influence

People from outside the group have too much say over what happens within the group.

I guess people are people, whether they are a married suburban couple with 2.5 kids or a tattooed and long-haired thrash metal band.

And for the record, there were no bodices ripped in the making of this post.

How to Create a Divorce Care Package

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce care package

So you just found out that your friend or family member is getting divorced. After the initial shock and disbelief fades and you’ve gathered and digested the salient facts, you’re left with a deep desire to help. To at least soothe the pain since you cannot make it all go away. And much like kids at their first sleep-away camp, teenagers during their first semester at college or soldiers on their first deployment, people in the early stages of divorce are homesick, lonely and often scared.

And a small collection of tailor-picked items can go a long way to making them feel loved and supported.

Here’s your cheat sheet for assembling a divorce care package that any newly single person would be grateful to receive:

Something to Comfort

One of the first purchases I made for myself was a super-soft extra-fuzzy blanket. I used to cocoon myself in it at night when I cried. It was essentially the adult equivalent of a teddy bear. Think about your loved one. Do they tend to seek out a certain food when upset? Or are they more tactile and would prefer something soft against the skin? Maybe they slip the headphones on and disappear into a world of music. Whatever their preferred modality, something that provides a portable on-demand hug goes a long way during divorce.

Something to Distract

Divorce has plenty of ongoing bad days. And sometimes you just want to forget about the lawyers and the negotiations and focus on another world for a time. If your friend is a reader, buy an engrossing (but not too complex – the brain isn’t functioning at peak capacity) fictional book. It’s even better if it’s the first of a series; that promises many days of distraction. Puzzles are a great tool to divert the mind and you can even play Words With Friends or Trivia Crack with them. If they are more of a watcher, buy a movie or a series for them. Even better, set up a recurring date with them to watch a favorite show.

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Something From the Past

Divorce is a time of identity crisis. You are no longer your married self and, as you try to figure out who you are now, it can be comforting to connect with the person you were prior to the marriage. If you knew the person during this period of their life, find something that will remind them of that more innocent time.

Something Indulgent

It feels good to be pampered. And when you’re going through the end of life as you know it, it feels even better. Spring for a massage. Or a pedicure. Take them to a restaurant known for its amazing service. It can be as simple as some bath salts and a candle or as involved as you want to make it. I used to save those little indulgences as treats after particularly difficult days. It helped me make it through just knowing that I had something to look forward to.

Something to Ease the Routine

Life can be overwhelming. And when you’re trying to learn to do the work of two by yourself (especially if you have kids), the pressure is immense. Gift a gift of ease. Offer to take their children to school or car in for servicing. Offer to help clean their house or wash their dog. When someone is in survival mode, the little things add up. So find something you can take off their plate.

Something to Do Together

These were my favorite care package items during my divorce. Some were elaborate and some extremely simple. In every case, the time together let me know that my friend was thinking of me and it gave me much needed laughter as well as time away from the reality. Go on a hike together. Go to a concert. Watch a game. Explore a nearby town. The “what” matters less than that you plan it, invite them and take care of any barriers in their way.

Something to Feel Attractive

In any divorce, there is a fear of getting back out there. Of dating again in your older and saggier form. And if there was infidelity, their confidence has taken an even bigger hit. Include something in the care package that makes them feel attractive. Desirable. They will probably not be ready for it at the beginning, but when they are ready, it sure is nice to have that little reminder handy.

Something to Inspire

I used to tease my mom about her ever-present inspirational quotes. And then I got divorced and suddenly I surrounded myself with them as well. You don’t have to limit yourself to quotes. Give them a postcard from a trip you took together or that they dream of going on. Include a plant that is just starting to grow or bud as a reminder that they will bloom again. It can even be more symbolic, taking the form of a rising phoenix or emerging butterfly. This is the gift of hope.

All of these gifts will be appreciated and treasured. But the gift that means the most can’t be put into a box or presented in a card. It’s the gift of an empathetic ear and a supportive hug. Be there and they will never forget.