Guest Post – Divorcing a Narcissist Is Tough

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m often grateful that I didn’t have children on my slog through the family courts. My experience was horrific, but at the end of the day, there were some battles I could elect not to find. At some point, I could choose to walk away. After all, it was simply money on the table.

But when you’re a parent and it’s your kids on that proverbial table? You can’t simply choose to lay down your sword and cut your losses. You have to fight. Even when your opponent fights dirty.

Here is Jen Adler’s story about her experience with a malignant divorce and an inept system:

Divorcing a Narcissist Is Tough

I read an article today – about divorcing a narcissist. It gave an accurate, if sterile account of what it is to divorce a narcissist. A friend sent me a link to the article. She’s read my blog about the after-effects of divorcing a narcissist but being bound by children of the marriage. She wanted to show me I’m not the only one who understands and acknowledges the issue. It’s mainstream now.

I know.

It didn’t leave me feeling validated. Or comforted. Or even grateful for the exposure to a problem that has gutted my life. It left me pissed off.

The article – detailing a book by Karyl McBride called Will I Ever Be Free of You – talks about a problem I know intimately well. The article uses phrases like,

It’s tough to divorce a narcissist.

Children are terribly harmed.

Family courts are playgrounds for narcissists.

All of which are true, but none of which anyone who has not divorced a narcissist can understand in any meaningful way. It’s like saying,

Cancer kills lots of people. It’s sad. In other news, the Reds beat the Pirates last night.

If you’re reading this right now, and YOU haven’t lived through a narcissist, then you can’t understand why I’m angry. Let me tell you what divorcing a narcissist really looks like.

The Family Picture Post Narc Divorce

My husband and I both divorced narcissists. We make nearly $200,000 a year in combined income yet live paycheck to paycheck. Before you ask, we have no credit card debt. We live in a small house we rent from my parents after losing our home to foreclosure in 2012. When divorcing a narcissist, sometimes one has to choose between having legal representation to defend one’s right to be a parent versus paying a mortgage. We pay $3000 a month in child support and lawyer fees.

We owe our lawyer over $100,000. We’ve paid her more than $60,000 already. This is all for POST-DECREE work. This is not what it cost to divorce our narcs.

We have no retirement accounts, no savings accounts, no safety net. Everything has been cashed out in order to continue fighting to protect our kids from their narc parents – and to protect our right to be involved in our children’s lives.

This is who we are. Financially at least. And I have to tell you, neither my husband nor I complain about our financial situation. We joyfully give up everything we have to protect our family. And if the money we dole out monthly, if the retirement accounts we’ve completely depleted, if ANY of the money we spend actually made a difference in the lives of our children or our right to be parents? Neither of us would complain. But the sad truth is, it makes no difference at all. Why?

Family Courts are Stupid

Family courts don’t protect families. Family courts protect parent’s rights. And they don’t even do that very well. Here are some fun facts about our experience in family court.

My husband was ordered to pay for private schools for his children, even though his ex-wife removed the children from private schools and enrolled them in a public school THAT DOESN’T CHARGE TUITION. Yes. You read that right. We’re paying tuition to his ex-wife for kids who go to public schools. And this was one of the better rulings we got from family court…

For the last six years, I have been trying to get therapeutic support for my son. His father argues there is nothing wrong with his son. He brings in teachers and neighbors and distant relatives to back him up. In fact, father posits the only reason I want therapy for my son is because I WANT there to be something wrong with him so I can get attention. In fighting for this, I lost custody of my son, lost the right to be involved in any medical appointments/decisions regarding my son. And yet, the court never once had my son evaluated by an outside psychologist. When I had him evaluated, the court threw out the testimony of the psychologist – because dad had not agreed to have him evaluated, and because the court did not order it.

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I was once found in contempt of court for removing my son from the daycare he attended prior to going to kindergarten. I received an email from his father stating the date his father would be taking him out of that same daycare. When I then emailed back indicating I would do the same, I was served with papers of contempt and found guilty of removing him from the daycare the court had ordered he attend. His father also removed him from the same daycare on the same day.

Don’t try to understand, it isn’t supposed to make sense.

I was found in contempt of court for moving (after losing our home to foreclosure) because a restraining order had been filed to stop me. The restraining order was served to me one week after we moved. I was found guilty.

Yeah, that’s awful, but what’s the other side of the story?

There’s no such thing as a happy divorce. There’s fighting and bitterness, name calling and ugliness in most every divorce. So how is one to know the difference between a “normal” divorce and one with a narcissist?

This is the basis upon which the general public, divorce attorneys, guardian ad-litems, parenting coordinators, magistrates, and judges use to justify their dismissal of anyone who tries to shine light upon the problems arising from divorcing narcissists. These are just normal parts of divorce.

I’m a mild mannered mother who has never spanked my children and relocate the bugs in my house because I can’t bring myself to kill them. But I will punch the next court representative who tells me

If the parents could just get along, then the child wouldn’t be having these problems.

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There is no other side of the story in divorcing a narcissist. That’s the point. It just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because,

  • No divorce should cost upwards of $160,000.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t require two people for a fight. One person can make it happen just fine, and narcissists LOVE to fight.
  • Looking at individual issues makes it seem as if the narc could actually be reasonable. After all, why can’t mom just agree for her son to go to school in his father’s school district? Why can’t mom just agree to allow dad to sign up the child for activities five days a week? Why can’t mother just agree for dad to have full custody so that there doesn’t have to be fighting between the two parties? Why can’t mom just not have access to school records so that school officials don’t have to feel uncomfortable dealing with two parents in a contentious divorce? Why can’t mom?????

This is why I’m mad

I’m not angry because all of this happened in my life. I don’t even resent the narcissist who still plagues us ten years after the divorce. I’m not angry we’ve lost our life savings, I’m not angry we live paycheck to paycheck, I’m not angry our narcs drive Audi’s and Hummers, belong to country clubs and live in $500,000+ homes. That’s the easy part of divorcing a narc. Know what’s hard?

Stupid. Family. Courts.

A narc behaves as a narc will behave. I hold no grudges against the mentally ill. However, family courts? If a problem makes the New York Times, I’d say that’s fairly mainstream. So why, after years and years and years of a problem that is coming to light, that fills up family court dockets, that debilitates families and children, WHY IS FAMILY COURT THE ONLY PLACE PRETENDING DIVORCING NARCS AREN’T A PROBLEM?

Forgive me this rant. This unnatural anger. I admit it’s good the problem warrants coverage in books and certainly in a publication like the New York Times. But lets not sugar coat things with phrases like, “divorcing a narc is tough”. Divorcing a narc is not tough, it is a blood sacrifice of one’s self and children to the mercy of a court system that wants to do what is easy and what fits into their “normal” divorce model. It drives families to bankruptcy and foreclosure. It leaves children with scars which will haunt them throughout their lives. It is a problem that no one wants to deal with and for which no one has a solution. 

More About the Author

Hi. I’m not Jen Adler, and this isn’t actually a picture of me. I am the writer of a blog written anonymously in an attempt to keep it out of the sites of the narcissist who stalks my life. I write about surviving a relationship with a narcissist so that people can understand the devastation wrought by those with this disease. I highlight the ways family courts empower narcissists to continue abusing their targets and their children. I write about it so people will understand and support the legal changes that badly need to happen in order to protect victims of narcissists.

Read more from not-Jen at Peace In – Chaos Out

I know this is a topic and a cause that many of us can relate with.

I’m Not Strong Enough

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Every year I have some kids who break my heart.

It happens as soon as I task them with completing some assignment and they whisper to me with down-turned eyes, “I’m not smart enough.”

And my heart breaks for the broken spirit of the child.

Because the truth is, there are very few kids that are truly not smart enough to understand the math I teach and those are never even in my class.

But I can see how some may conclude they are not smart enough. After all, they see some of their classmates tearing through assignments like a kid at Disney World. They hear others volunteer answers before they have even processed the question. They feel their struggle while they see others’ successes.

But the problem is not that they aren’t smart enough.

Maybe they are not skilled enough, having missed earlier important concepts.

Maybe they are not present enough, excessive absences interfering with their ability to comprehend the material.

Maybe they are not supported enough, missing out on the help needed at home or at school.

Maybe they are not focused enough, allowing in outside distractions that make it difficult to think clearly.

Maybe they are not disciplined enough, forgoing homework for the call of video games and not participating in the needed practice.

Maybe they are not understanding enough, ignorant of their own ways of learning and demonstrating knowledge.

Or maybe they are not confident enough, perceiving themselves as lacking in some fundamental way that is fixed and rigid.

None of those things have anything to do with smart.

And all of those things can be addressed.

And overcome.

To expose the smart kid that was there all along.

Hiding behind those limiting beliefs.

———-

With adults, I rarely hear, “I’m not smart enough.” Yet I often hear, “I’m not strong enough.”

And it breaks my heart to hear the broken spirit.

Because the truth is, there are very few adults that are truly not strong enough to overcome the challenges that fall into their path.

But I can see how some may conclude they are not strong enough. After all, they see others speak and write and sing about their own journey and the conquering of it. They see others reach the finish line of their trauma before they have even finished processing their own. And they feel their struggle while they see others’ successes.

But the problem is not that they aren’t strong enough.

Maybe they are not skilled enough, having missed earlier opportunities to practice struggle and the overcoming of it.

Maybe they are not present enough, not able to put the time into healing that it requires because of other demands.

Maybe they are not supported enough, lacking the buttressing effect of family, friends and professionals.

Maybe they are not focused enough, allowing in outside distractions that make it difficult to think clearly.

Maybe they are not disciplined enough, electing to avoid the pain rather than face it and move through it.

Maybe they are not understanding enough, unaware of their own needs and what tools are effective for them.

Or maybe they are not confident enough, judging themselves as broken and somehow less than others.

None of those things have anything to do with strong.

And all of those things can be addressed.

And overcome.

To expose the strong person that was there all along.

Hiding behind those limiting beliefs.

———-

In the classroom, I work to help figure out what needs each kid has and then we work together to discover what methods and tools best meet those needs. I act as a cheerleader when they’re discouraged and a butt-kicker when they’re trying to avoid. I reveal my own struggles to them and help them to see their own strengths. I give them opportunities to shine when the quick-to-get-it kids often falter and I praise the effort that moves them forward. I highlight their progress, comparing them to themselves rather than to anybody else.

We talk about how everybody has some things that come easy and some things that don’t. And how often those that struggle become the better for it. They laugh when I tell them that math was my worst subject and that I almost failed Algebra II. They laugh, and then they smile because it gives them hope.

In the adult world, I do much of the same. I help people figure out their own needs and what tools will best match those needs. I encourage when the spirit is down and kick some butt when it is dragging. I share my own struggles (and the struggles that others have made public) and I help them to see their own strength. I look for opportunities for them to shine when maybe the quick-to-heal folks still stumble. I highlight their progress, comparing them to their earlier version rather than to somebody else.

We talk about how some people seem to move through trauma easier than others due to a blessing of biology, support, environment or prior experience. And that some may have to struggle more to get there.

And that struggle can make you better.

I had one client that had a life relatively free of trauma until a big one that sent her to me. She knew that it was harder for her to deal with the situation than others because as she was processing the pain, she was also doing the hard work of identifying her own strengths, weaknesses, needs and tools of best fit.

And she appreciated that effort even as it wore at her.

“I know this won’t be the only thing I have to go through in my life. If I do it well, it will serve me going forward and if I don’t do it well, it will become the thing that holds me back.”

And she’s right.

At the beginning, she wasn’t strong enough to reach the summit.

But she was strong enough to take the first step.

And then the next.

And each step built her strength.

Her confidence.

Her resolve.

YOU are strong enough.

I see it.

I want you to see it too.

And you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more.

The Science Of Forgiveness

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why is forgiveness so hard?

Is it that our pain screams to be heard and validated?

Is it because we feel entitled to an apology and reparations for any wrongdoing?

Is it coming from a belief that any attack was targeted and any forgiveness is simply showing weakness?

Is it based on a conviction that forgiveness is only owed to those that deserve it?

No matter the reason to withhold forgiveness, there is no debating the fact that finding forgiveness is hard.

Damn hard.

Perhaps the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

And perhaps one of the most important.

I read this synopsis of some studies today that explain the link between forgiveness and physical health. It turns out that holding onto anger and victimhood literally makes you sick.

That seems like as good of a reason as any to work to achieve forgiveness.

The piece above discusses many of the same strategies I talk about: depersonalizing, reframing and seeing the person who harmed you with compassion.

I worry sometimes about the uptick in people characterizing their exes as narcissists. Yes, there are people in this world that are all-bad and have no qualities that are relatable or redeemable. But those people are very few and far between.

Most of our exes, although they may be assholes of the highest caliber, are not monsters. And I worry when they are characterized as such because it often leaves the labeler holding the anger.

And, as discussed in the attached study, the sickness.

Don’t forgive because they deserve it.

Forgive because you do.

Related:

What Forgiveness Is (And What It Is Not)

Every 7 Years

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I stood at my morning duty post when the bottom of my shirt caught my eye. I noticed that the fabric was worn thin and its once-smooth texture had been replaced with the peaks and valleys of aging fabric. I knew that this shirt, like the majority of my work clothing, had been purchased on an annual outing to the local outlet mall and so I flipped up the hem to reveal the tag beneath. The faded slip of fabric indicated that this particular shirt was from the Spring ’08 Banana Republic Factory Collection.

Once I read the tag, I immediately recalled that particular shopping trip. It was one taken with my now-ex husband where I stocked up on warm-weather work clothes and he replaced his too-small shorts with some with larger waistbands. That trip, although I could picture every detail, seems like a lifetime ago. And now that shirt, worn consistently since its purchase 7 years ago, has reached the end of its life.

———-

There’s a common belief that our cells completely replace themselves every 7 years. Although it is true that our cells are constantly being replaced (at least with the exception of many neural cells, which generally last a lifetime), the 7 year number is a myth. At least in the scientific sense.

A span of seven years has achieved cultural significance. We speak of the 7 year itch when relationships are supposedly more likely to fail. Negative marks on credit reports are discharged after 7 years (I’ll be doing one heckofa happy dance on that day!!) There are connections to the number 7 in the major religions and in Native American storytelling. Even numerology attaches importance to 7 year cycles, speaking of a natural ebb and flow of energy.

And even though 7 may be largely an arbitrary number, it is an interesting metric with which to measure our lives. 7 years is of short enough duration that there is still a link between now and the start. Yet it is also long enough for major shifts to occur.

———-

I’m now in the sixth year since the tsunami that washed my life as I knew it away. And I certainly feel as though all of my cells have been replaced. I like the thought that the body I have now has never been touched by him and that the guts I now possess were born of that time.

  

I feel a strange purgative thrill whenever I shed one more element of my former life. Although on the one hand, I am disappointed that a favored shirt is destined for the garbage, I feel a relief at letting it go. One more connection cut.

7 years may be a myth, but now that it’s within my grasp, it is starting to feel like a reality to me.

Regardless of the schedule my cells are on, I’m feeling renewed as year 7 approaches. Every day I feel the grasp of the past loosen and its impact on my present lessen.

And on a completely different note, I had my first bust ever at the outlet mall today. These current styles (big and billowy tops with loud prints and skinny pants) are not made for the short and muscular. So I guess I’m stuck wearing my worn-out tops for a while longer. At least until solids and stretch fabrics make their way back to shirts. Fashionistas – any guesses on when that will be? 🙂

My Thoughts On the Ashley Madison Hack

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In those early days after my husband left but before I had any answers, I looked to see if I could find evidence of an Ashley Madison account.

Nothing turned up.

But even though that avenue may not have been explored, I still knew that others had based upon the preponderance of evidence.

Just because your partner’s name is not one of the 33 million on the list does not mean that he or she has been faithful. After all, most infidelity occurs without being asked to enter a credit card number.

And the inclusion of a name does not necessarily mean that infidelity occurred. After all, I can’t even begin to guess how many items I’ve put into online shopping carts yet never completed the purchase.

Nothing is to be gained from searching the vast database for a name or an email. It’s only one data point (and one gathered illegally, at that) and one that can easily mislead.

Instead, look for a preponderance of evidence leading you to a particular conclusion and listen to your gut.

Leave the Ashley Madison hack to the journalists who are frantically searching for the emails of public figures.