17 Responses

  1. Meg says:

    “One of the few regrets I have is that I didn’t know he needed help before it was too late”
    I keep repeating this line over and over. I can’t agree more. I feel like I failed the man I adored. Does that ever go away? And I, too, am surprised by the void. You wrote that so beautifully. Thank you.

    • Steve Kubien says:

      I can only echo Meg’s words. I didn’t realize there was a problem until it was too late. Coming as she did from a family of alcoholics (and don’t get me started on the Catholic upbringing), she knew how to keep secrets. It’s kind of a way of life in her family. Yes, I feel a bit like a failure (as a person) for not seeing there was a problem, but not as a good man. In that I am quite secure now, though I did question it for a while.

    • It comes down to forgiving yourself for not seeing things clearer. I choose to look at it as a learning opportunity rather than blame myself. I didn’t act out of disregard or malice, simply ignorance. I may have failed him, but he failed himself first.

  2. blogventer says:

    “I am still aware of the place where he was, but accept that he was the tooth that needed to pulled for healing to occur.” –> This whole post was beautiful — poetic, even — but this sentence brought it all home for me. I just love your insights. *sigh!*

  3. I knew my husband had an alcohol problem in 2005. I acknowledged it a few times and then put it in the denial box because the rest of our life seemed so perfect. He raised the red flags, I just didn’t look hard enough. After he broke his leg in six places and required emergency surgery he took pain pills and drank heavily. I knew it was wrong but he was in horrible pain, after he healed he never cut back. If I had done something then perhaps we would not be where we are now. I know it’s not my fault, but the day we got married I made a commitment that included looking out for him. I should have held him accountable, I should have been his friend instead of his enabler. I will never make the mistake of not holding him accountable again and I will pay attention to any red flags.

  4. Such a well written blog. Avoiding the truth, although you now realise that didn’t help, is very common in toxic relationships. Often because we either don’t realise the torment we are suffering, or we don’t want to admit that we are in a relationship that isn’t working. I work with many people who are in or who have been in similar relationships. I too was in a toxic relationship and I thought it was normal, how wrong was I?

    • I know for me it was also trusting him to the point of complacency. I thought I knew him. I was overconfident. I’ve learned that getting to know someone never really ends.

  5. “I hope that he is not still trying to walk along that cliff or survive the darkness beyond. I wish that he, too, can find a way to heal the void”
    The caring nurturing roll that we had / have for our first love never ends…..despite any negative treatment of us.

  6. candidkay says:

    Odd how the void is not a yawning gap if the void when he was present was big enough. I was surprised at the found relief I felt. Not that it doesn’t still hurt sometimes–but that it hurts less than staying would have.

  7. erineliza71 says:

    Amazing how something so ugly can be transformed into a beautifully-written piece of art. This entry is poetic. I can completely relate to the tooth analogy and found myself nodding over and over again. Hugs to you.

  1. November 10, 2014

    […] remember feeling the aching void left behind by his absence. I worried that I would never trust again. Never love […]

  2. November 30, 2014

    […] you shared many years and many memories with, the forfeiture of the shared history is ruthless. The sudden void is cavernous, the shock of the missing person all-encompassing like the cold air on your goose-pimpled flesh as […]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: