Dating After Divorce: Ten Tips for Success

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Dating after divorce tends to be a deliberate action, entered into consciously and tentatively after years or even decades with the same person.  This can be an opportunity for you to clarify your needs and the needs of a relationship before you step out on that first date.  The following are my suggestions for your ten commandments of dating after divorce.

Couple in love

One: Your “Must Haves”

Take some time to generate this list; do not assume what it contains.  You may be surprised to realize that there are aspects of your ex that you want again or perhaps characteristics that were not important before but are now.  For me, my ex was never a match for me physically (I’m not talking about intimacy here; we were an excellent match in the bedroom).  I loved to run and lift weights, and enjoyed the social aspect of exercise, whereas he only exercised to lose weight and even then was very private about it.  I knew that I wanted someone that would join me on a run or meet me at the gym.  I also wanted someone for whom fitness and exercise was a way of life, not just an opportunityto cinch in the belt a bit.  As you list your “must haves,” try not to censor them; your subconscious may know more about what you need than your rational mind does at this point.

Two: Your “Must Not Haves”

This list compliments the one above and, in fact, you may find that it is generated at the same time.  Like with your “must haves,” you may find that some of these are rather concrete and others are vague and hard to define.  That is okay.  List them.  Even the ambiguous will have meaning to you as you meet people. Two of my items on the “must not have” list were 1) cannot be dishonest (uhmm..great.  How do I tell this on a date?) and 2) cannot have kids or want kids (I have pretty strong feelings on this one and it’s not fair to start a relationship with someone who does not match me here).  Once you have your lists generated, keep them handy and allow them to be modified or updated as you date and meet new people.  They are not set in stone, but they are also not be ignored, especially if you find yourself in the biochemical throes of love lust.

Three: Release Expectations and View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This is a big one.  First a reality check.  Life is not a romance novel nor a Hollywood movie.  That insufferably cute and perfect couple at the park is either in the biochemical throws of lust or has another side to their relationship that you do not see.  No one is perfect.  No date is perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Just let that thought go like a helium balloon in the wind.

Still with me?

Not every date you go one will be good, but every date you go one will teach you something.  Try to enter every encounter with an open and curious mind, ready to receive the lessons to come.  On some dates, you might learn about someone else, some you may learn about yourself, and yet others you may learn about the intricacies of being a private pilot for a billionaire (yup, true story there).  If you enter each date excepting a positive experience, you will be disappointed at least some of the time.  If you approach the meeting as a lesson, you will never be let down and you will gain valuable (or at least interesting) information in the meantime.

Four: Be True to Yourself

The period after divorce is a vulnerable time.  You may feel amorphous as you break out of the box that defined you as a spouse.  You may feel that the true you is unlovable and seek to change your identity.  It can be so tempting to expand yourself like a pressurized gas let out of a sealed container.  Some expansion and growth is normal and healthy, but make sure that you remain true to yourself and your basic beliefs and values.  I started out with a “try anything” approach, but I soon realized that there were “anythings” out there that I had no interest in trying.

Five: Take Baby Steps

This one took me some trial and error.  I was so used to being married.  I did marriage well, whereas I had no clue how to date.  In my first few encounters, I would easily settle in and make myself comfortable as though it was a marriage.  It was a known and safe place for me, but not exactly an ideal way to date.  There is no rush, no race.  Learn to find comfort in the process and the path of dating, rather than being focused on a destination.  Move slowly enough that you can appreciate each step and acclimate along the way.

This was a lesson that I learned from my current beau of 2+ years.  He emphasized the need to progress slowly, pausing along the way like divers coming from the deep.  It allowed both of time to become comfortable and provided opportunity to work through issues as they arose.  We were able to set up partnership deliberately, not out of my automatic default setting.

Six: Keep Some Distance

It can be easy to be swept away when you meet someone new.  It’s exciting and it feels so good to have that feeling reawaken after you may have been fearing its death.  Remember that this feeling is temporary, as the hormones fade back to normal levels, that initial rush will fade too.  It’s simple biochemistry.  Enjoy the rush when it happens, but maintain enough distance that your rational brain has time to communicate its thoughts to you as well.  It’s fine (actually, wonderful) to get caught up in a moment, but don’t let that moment turn into a marriage that you do not intend.  Keep some distance so that you can make informed decisions about your future.

Seven: Be Open

I know what you’re thinking:  “First she cautions me to keep some distance and now she wants me to be open?  Which is it?”

Both.

Be open to new possibilities.  Your new paired life may not resemble the old.  Your new partner may be different than the former.  You, yourself, will most likely change from how you were in your marriage.  Be open and willing to investigate these new alternatives.

But keep some distance so that you can check with yourself to make sure that you do not deviate too far from the true you.

When I first joined Match.com, I went out on dates with men that didn’t jive at all with what I thought I liked.  I found myself consistently surprised as I found characteristics and attributes attractive that were not on my radar before.  If I entered the dating arena with a closed mind, sure of what I liked, I would have never have met those men and learned those lessons.

Eight: Address Your Social Needs

Divorce is alienating.  Lonely.  The person that you spent most of your time with is gone.  You may have lost other friends in the deal or had the nature of friendships slip and slide away.  Dating is certainly social, but it should not be the only item on your social calender.  In fact, I would recommend that you ensure that you identify your social needs ahead of time (2 hours a week?  10?  It varies for everyone.) and plan to have 60-80% of those needs met outside of dating.  Join a class, sign up for Meetup.com (I swear most of the people I met on Meetups were divorced!), form a social group at the gym…it doesn’t matter how you address your social needs, just don’t put the weight of them at the feet of your dates.

Nine: Have an Outlet

Ever feel angry at your situation?  Sad when you think about what you have lost?  Ever need to scream?  Cry?

Me too.  As you enter the dating world, make sure that you have an outlet for these powerful typhoons of emotion.  It can be a therapist, a family member, a friend, or even a dog.  You don’t have to keep all of your powerful emotions hidden from a date, but you also don’t want to flood him/her with them either.

Ten: Have Fun

Dating is fun.  You get to meet new people and engage in new experiences.  You get to explore and question, as you see the world in new ways.  Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy yourself along the way.

Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?

Adventures in Publishing, Part II

Posted on by stilllearning2b
The proof copy of the book came in the mail today! 🙂

 

It’s a bit strange. I’ve gone from being completely ignorant about self-publishing to being to go-to person amongst my friends in the span of two months. I’ve already explored the early stages of the process here and now I will share some of the other hits, suggestions, frustrations and random thoughts about the process now that I am a whole month wiser (I need a sarcasm font!) and I have a couple more iterations of my book under my belt.

Because endless formatting and the start of the school year have left me unable to assemble sentences coherently, I’m going to present this in a series of rambling bullet points.

First, a primer. I published using three platforms: Kindle Direct Publishing (ebook, Amazon), PubIt! (ebook, Nook), and CreateSpace (print, Amazon) in that order.

– ebooks are da bomb! Both programs were easy to work with and the formatting took a minimum of hassle. After I got my head around how certain styles and formatting options looked in html (the file type used for e-readers), it was pretty simple. The main difference between the two programs is that Kindle wants page breaks and PubIt! want section breaks (the latter is also used in CreateSpace so starting from a PubIt! formatted file saves some time).

-For the initial digital cover, I first tried using Fiverr, but I wasn’t happy with what came back. I ended up using Clipart (the online library is pretty good these days) to create my own image in the specified dimensions, saved it as a PDF, and then converted it into a JPEG. It was pretty simple. The main criteria to keep in mind is that the cover needs to look good as a thumbnail.

-I’m not sure about PubIt!, but Kindle offers formatting for a fee (under $100) if you don’t want to tackle it yourself. Otherwise, it’s free. Honestly, it was simple enough, I wouldn’t pay for this service.

-Another benefit of the ebook format is that you can update your file at any time.  The turnaround seems to be a few days for the old file to be replaced with the new.

-I was planning on delaying the release of the print book for several months, mainly to give myself a break and to allow time to collapse after the early days of the school year. Alas, it was not to be:) I was surprised how many people not only preferred tangible books, but did not have access to an e-reader, smart phone, or iPad. So, I quickly got to work reformatting.

-Print books are another animal entirely. With an e-reader, you don’t have to worry about where the text breaks because it is different on every device and changes with the user settings. A paperback is static. You have to get that spacing right. CreateSpace walks you through the process. After I selected my book size (6″x9″), I downloaded a free MS Word template in which to paste my text. This is where I made mistake #1. I assumed that the template was already sized for the format I selected since it came after I was prompted to choose a size. Wrong. The template was for a standard size page. So, I formatted (and numbered!) the whole thing incorrectly on the first pass. Grrr. Unlike me, you should change the paper size (under page formatting) first. The template is a bit strange to get used to – it looks like an open book but the odd pages are on the left, not the right as it will be in print. Have fun with that one.

-I decided to purchase an ISBN number ($99) through Bowker so that I have options regarding distribution. CreateSpace gives you information on all of your options. As a side note, if you purchase your own ISBN, you are technically opening your own publishing house. I’m having fun with that one.

“What did you do this summer?”

“Oh, I just wrote a book and opened my own publishing house.”

Giggle:) I don’t tell them it was as easy as providing my address and credit card number.

-Next, set your margins. For most books, set the outer margins to .50 and the inner to .75. If your book ends up greater than 400 pages, your gutter will need to be increased.

-At this point, I recommend uploading your file to CreateSpace so that it can scan for errors and you can view the document in their mock-up program. This way you can fix any margin or gutter issues before you spend time on fonts and spacing. And, yes, this would be mistake #2. You can upload Word or PDF files. I had better luck with PDF holding true to format.

-Now it’s time to start working with the text. Make sure all of the text is the font and size you desire. I’m not going into all of that here – Google it for more information on fonts than you ever wanted to know. Size everything the way you want it before you begin monkeying around with spacing. Yup, you guessed it. That was my mistake #3.

-Okay, you’re margined and sized? Now you have the delightful task of playing with spacing and section breaks. If you need to change entire paragraphs, select the entire document and play around with Word’s paragraph settings. You can specify where they break, if words are hyphened, and the amount of space between paragraphs. Once the basic settings are where you want, go page by page and make sure that paragraphs are where you want. Remember that new chapters should always begin on odd numbered pages (left side in the template). If you need to add a blank page to make that happen, use a section break. One quirk to be aware of – you are not allowed more than three blanks in a row, including at the beginning and end of the book.

-A brief interlude: Save multiple copies of your file as you move through the process. My file became corrupted as I was putting on the finishing touches. I had been saving versions of it at various points, which ended up saving me. I still had to redo all of the formatting, but I could dig through several versions to find the most recent, yet uncorrupted, file.

-The final step is to insert headers (usually title or title/author) and footers (page numbers). I used the directions on this site. Once you get the hang of it, the page numbers aren’t too bad. Until you get the hang of it, you want to throw your computer out the window.

-Speaking of computers…I have a cute little 11″ MacBook Air. I love the thing. It’s small enough to slip into my purse or a backpack and take to the park or a coffee shop. The battery lasts long enough that I rarely have to worry about bringing along a charger. During the formatting process, however, my computer was not my friend. Its screen was simply too small to be efficient. If you have access to a large monitor, use it for this process!

-I thought I was home free after I finished the interior of the book. I was planning on using the image from my thumbnail in the cover template from CreateSpace. Yeah, not so much. First, the cover creator in CreateSpace is pretty (read: very) limited. There are only a handful of templates to choose from and they offer little in terms of customization. After discovering that the pixel count wasn’t high enough in my original image (they suggest 300 dpi), I had to start over from scratch. I was frustrated with the lack of choice, but I didn’t want to spend the time or money to create a cover (much harder to do for a physical book) without the template. If you use their program, try to enter the process with only a general idea of what you want so that you are not frustrated with their (lack of) options. If you’re still counting, I would call that mistake #4.

-As with Kindle, you can pay CreateSpace (around $300) to do the formatting for you. This may be worth it, especially if you have images or other elements that make it difficult to format.

Overall, self-publishing is relatively easy and can be done for little to no money. It is a great option to get your book out to the world without relying on the whims of agents and publishers. So, what are you waiting for? Finish that book you’re always talking about writing!