A Complete Guide to Coping Strategies During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is a time when you need to have every possible coping strategy at the ready because it seems that every day brings with it a new challenge.

It also seems like everyone is ready with advice – do this, don’t do that. Usually offered with compassion even when it’s off-base.

And the combination can often feel overwhelming as you’re trying to navigate your new reality and filter out the advice that works for you.

So here’s your guide –

 

The Three Ground Rules of Coping Strategies During Divorce

 

1. Do what works for you; not what someone tells you to do.

Breaking news – we are not all the same. What worked miracles for one person might be a total dud for you. When you receive advice, consider the source. Do they have your best interests at heart? Do they know you? Even if the answer to those is “yes,” you have permission to ignore the suggestion if it does not resonate with you. Remember – you are the expert on you.

 

2. Try many things. Keep what works.

Finding coping strategies that work is a bit like trying to locate a pair of jeans that fit after you’ve experienced a significant change in body type. If you only try on a couple, it’s easy to declare that “it’s impossible.” Gather many options with the understanding that most will be discarded.

 

3. What works today may not work tomorrow.

As you progress, your needs – and what works to address them – will change. Don’t be afraid to retire coping strategies that have lost their effectiveness. That is not a sign of giving up or an indication of failure. Your strategies need to adapt as you do.

 

 

Your Coping Strategy Toolkit

 

Strategies to Survive Financially

  • Start by assessing where you stand. It’s all-too-easy to catastrophize the situation when you don’t yet have all the facts. Figure out exactly what is coming in, going out and what type of credit you have available.
  • Consider low-cost attorneys or mediation for divorce. Before allocating money to the courts, make sure you research what you’re getting for that expense.
  • Be ruthless in designating your financial priorities. A setback in lifestyle now is worth it for financial security later.
  • Utilize these psychological hacks to help you save money.
  • Find a way to keep track of your progress towards your goals. Make it visual and tangible.
  • Tie a dreaded financial task with something pleasant or positive. For example, every month when I made a payment towards the debt my ex incurred, I wrote something that I was thankful for in my new life. I pretended like the payment was going towards these positive changes.
  • Remember that your bank account does not determine your worth and that improving finances takes time.

 

Strategies For Sleep

  • Make your bedroom a sanctuary as much as possible. If this was your shared space with your ex, do whatever you can to reclaim it. Move the furniture. Buy new bedding. Surround yourself with things that make you feel secure and loved and remove anything with too much emotional attachment. Refrain from using the space to look at old pictures, prepare documents for the divorce, etc.
  • If you’re feeling anxious, wait to try to go to bed. If you wake up and can’t fall back asleep within a few minutes, get out of bed. Have an activity designated for those nights that’s always at the ready so that you don’t spend your time doing something that will ultimately make you feel worse (social media, looking through old pictures, etc.). Some ideas to consider – a puzzle, a book, baking, walking, journaling, etc.
  • Have a routine where you prime your mind for positive thoughts and/or purge negative ones before sleep. Journaling and gratitude journals are good for this.
  • Try podcasts and/or sleep stories (available through apps or YouTube) to help distract your mind as you fall asleep.
  • If your bed feels empty, try a weighted blanket or large heavy pillow to help to fill the space and provide a sense of physical comfort.

 

Strategies to Reconnect Mind and Body

  • Yoga can be a phenomenal tool to help bring you back to your body and breath during times of stress. Here’s a discussion of the benefits it can bring and what to look for in finding the right practice for you.
  • Try mindfulness apps or reminders on your devices. If meditation takes your mind to bad spaces right now, try something more active – walking, baking, playing an instrument.
  • Get a massage. Non-sexual and no-expectations touch can be very healing. It’s amazing how much of our emotional pain becomes stored in the body. Massage helps to release it and, perhaps more importantly, increases our awareness of this physical manifestation.
  • Try a breathing strategy. There are many of these (box breathing, alternate nostril breathing, 4 7 8 breathing, etc.). They all help to calm the nervous system and interpret the “fight or flight” response.
  • Play with temperature extremes. Sometimes when we’re stressed, our bodies become almost numb. Saunas, steam rooms, and alternate hot and cold pools can help to release tension and also wake the body back up.

 

Strategies to Maintain Energy and Motivation

  • Exercise. Inertia is real. When you’ve been at rest too long, you stay at rest. So get – and stay – moving. Find the type of exercise that works for you (solo or group, indoors or outdoors, morning or evening, cardio or strength, skill-based or mindless) and do it.
  • Give yourself quality fuel. You may be drawn to “comfort” foods, but those tend to drain us instead of feed us. Think of this as healing from an illness or injury. Quality nutrition matters just as much when we’re healing from emotional wounds.
  • Set goals for yourself. They can be small and they don’t have to even have anything to do with healing from divorce. Make them achievable, measurable and tangible. Write them down and put them where you’ll see them. Track them and celebrate your progress.
  • Build in structure and accountability. It’s normal to feel a lack of motivation during the overwhelm of divorce. When the internal is flailing, put in the external supports (here are 5 ideas).
  • Allow yourself permission to rest. Build in breaks. Schedule them ahead of time and take them guilt-free. I like to see them as refueling stations on a run.
  • Create two lists – “Things I can control” and “Things I can’t control.” Make sure your energy (which is a limited resource) is going to those things you can control.

 

Strategies to Process Emotion

 

Strategies for Parenting

  • Generate a list of what is most important to you for your children (values, experiences, feelings, etc.). Seek to ensure that those get priority and give yourself permission to relax on the rest. For example, if it’s important to you that your kids know that they are loved, expressing and showing that on a regular basis is important. Having the perfect birthday party is not.
  • Outsource some of the duties. If you can, hire help with housework or transportation. Trade with another parent so that you have more flexibility.
  • Have your own outlets for emotional outbursts and difficult conversations. You can’t keep it together all of the time. You have to keep it together for the kids and so you also need opportunities to let yourself fall apart.
  • If you have shared physical custody, plan ahead for those times when your home is empty. Don’t let yourself wallow.
  • If coparenting is a struggle, research different approaches and strategies. Consider hiring a mediator if needed.
  • Focus on the positive. Here are 7 things that divorce actually teaches children. Divorce is hard, but it’s not all-bad.

 

Strategies for Work

  • Work can be both a respite and an impedance during divorce. Here is a collection of strategies you can try if you’re struggling to keep your mind on the tasks at hand and the emotion out of the office.

 

Strategies to Fill the Void

  • Think back to interests that you had during childhood that have been neglected. Are there any of those you want to pick up again?
  • Consider what you’re really missing when you say you miss your ex – the companionship, the adult helping with the kids, the shared history? Do you have other people or things in your life that can meet that need?
  • Looking for more ideas? Here are other ways that you can fill the void left after divorce. And if you’re feeling lonely, here are 52 different things you can try.

 

Strategies for Nurturing Self

  • Try cooking for yourself. In the most literal sense, you’re nurturing yourself and saying that you are worth the time and attention.
  • Set aside time to take care of yourself. If you don’t make it a priority, it won’t happen. So schedule it and set reminders.
  • Here are some other tips that you can try when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

 

Strategies for Escape

  • Be mindful about the digital content you consume. Instead of mindlessly Netflixing, find a series or movies that you truly enjoy and given them your attention.
  • Make a note of how you feel after time on social media. Consider blocking people, deleting apps or altering your feeds to create a more positive and uplifting environment.
  • Set a time limit for yourself on how many minutes or hours you will escape each day. Escape has its place, but it’s no place to live for the long run.
  • If you’re finding that you’re spending too much time escaping, confide in a friend and ask them to help by calling you out on your excessive behaviors. Often just being aware of them can help.

 

Strategies For Dealing With Others

  • Develop an “elevator speech” about what you’re dealing with that you can use when people inquire and you don’t want to go into detail. Keep it brief and practice it until you can deliver it without emotion.
  • Tell your support system what you need – and don’t need – from them. They want to help and will actually feel relieved it you can give them specific things they can do or say. (Or what NOT to say!)
  • Give yourself permission to take as many time outs as you need to. It’s okay to limit time with certain people.

 

The more coping strategies you try, the more likely you are to find some that will work. You CAN make it through this, but it won’t happen automatically. Healing is a process that requires that you be an active participant. So keep trying and keep taking those baby steps:)

Five Strategies to Cope With a Lack of Motivation During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

At first, it was a fight for survival that kept me going. That was soon replaced with a desire for justice. Then, some excitement for new possibilities provided a slight trickle of motivation to keep going.

Eventually, all of that ran out. The well of inspiration to keep slogging through the debris of divorce dried up, leaving me tired. No, scratch that. Leaving me exhausted and defeated, unable to summon the energy to keep going and unwilling to see past the frustration about being forced to start over.

The task felt too big to accomplish and my bones felt too weary for the burden. Thankfully, my stubbornness was greater than my lack of motivation and I soon incorporated these five strategies to keep me moving forward on the days where I just wanted to hide under the covers.

motivation

 

Motivation Builder 1 – Implement Structure and Rules

We are all creatures of habit and when left to our devices, we tend to slide towards the path of least resistance, AKA the sofa and the mindless use of technology. We easily feel both too busy because we’re doing something and feel too tired because we’re not doing enough. Interestingly, we even begin to resist those activities that bring us joy or a sense of accomplishment because the barrier to begin simply feels too high.

One of the first strategies to implement when you’re feeling unmotivated is to build some structure into your days and weeks. Start by drafting a list of those things that you want – or need – to incorporate on a regular basis. Then, decide how often you want to implement them and think about how you can place these on a digital or physical calendar. Finally, set reminders to nag you to get it done and that you’ll feel better once you put in the effort.

For me, I like to have some flexibility within my structure. So when I needed to do this, I spent some time crafting a spreadsheet divided into several sections: exercise (actually three sections here: cardio, strength, flexibility), mindfulness, social, divorce-related business and play. Within each section, I created a goal for a minimum number of times per week I wanted to participate and I brainstormed a list of ways that I could meet that need (this way it was difficult to come up with an excuse that none of the ideas would work). I printed out a new sheet every Sunday and marked my progress throughout the week.

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Motivation Builder 2 – Stage Rewards

If everything in your life right now feels like a slog, it’s no wonder you’re feeling unmotivated. It’s easy to put your life on hold when you’re in a period of transition, especially if the adjustment was unwanted. Yet waiting to live also becomes a habit.

Buy those concert tickets. Say “Yes!” to that invitation. Take that walk around the neighborhood on a beautiful day, even if you have to force the first step. Go somewhere where you’re not known and pretend for just a few hours that your world hasn’t unraveled. Make scheduling smiles a priority.

Sometimes, we feel guilty for smiling when the world tells us we should be crying. And even more often, we fear that we have forgotten how to smile, that the tears have permanently weighed down the corners of our mouths. You haven’t forgotten. You’re just out of practice. So give it a try. It will feel awkward at first, foreign and forced. The body remembers how to laugh. Allow it to share that gift with you.

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Motivation Builder 3 – Surround Yourself With the Right People

Motivating people is a tricky thing. Push too softly and their inertia resists the efforts; push too hard and shut-down ensues. Find and surround yourself with people who will kick you when you need it, yet who will do it kindly enough that you’ll listen.

Seek those that have your interests at heart instead of pushing their own agenda into your lap. Sometimes, they may say something that you don’t like hearing. They may challenge your assumptions, try to shift your perspectives. If they are coming from a place of love and concern, consider their advice.

If you do not have anyone that you trust is both looking out for you and will be firm with you, it may be time to look into hiring a professional that can help motivate you. This can be a counselor, a coach or even someone specific to a particular area of your life.

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Motivation Builder 4 – Pair “Have To’s” With “Want To’s”

I have used this trick in so many areas of my life. At times, I splurged on fancy shampoo that I would only allow myself to use after a workout in the gym shower. I save my favorite podcasts for my early morning walks with the pup. Whenever I feel grumbly and unmotivated about grading, I relocate the activity to a cozy coffeeshop or a blanket spread out in a park.

Find those tasks that you procrastinate with the most and brainstorm what sugar you can sprinkle on them to make them a little more palatable. I managed to make it through the gargantuan feat of completing the paperwork for Innocent Spouse Relief with a lot of heavy metal, scheduled pool breaks and a few pints of vanilla ice cream with fresh peaches from the farmer’s market. It still wasn’t easy, but those additions helped me get through it.

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Motivation Builder 5 – Celebrate Successes No Matter How Small

It’s easy to be motivated when you can see the finish line. It’s rather more difficult when you don’t know where the finish line is (and on many days, you even doubt its very existence). Yet even when you don’t know where or when you’ll reach the end of the aftereffects of divorce, you can mark the progress you’re making along the way.

You only cried three times this week and four is your usual? Awesome! You stopped yourself from sending an angry text to your ex? Kudos on reining in your frustrations! You got out of bed today? You beast!

Aim to celebrate some little accomplishment each day. It serves as an incentive to do some little thing each and every day that moves you just a little closer to where you want to be. And once you start acknowledging the results, it’s easier to find the motivation to keep going.

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Pushing the Reset Button On Stress – Five Steps to Help You Unwind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m no stranger to stress. As a Type-A+ person geared towards anxiety in a fast-paced and often stressful job, I’ve had to get adept at taking my body and brain from “Argh!” to “Ahhh” in the most efficient way possible.

Over the years, I’ve played around with various strategies for downshifting after a long day or a long week. Some (like venting to a spouse or coworker) might feel good in the moment but don’t contribute to a release of stress in the long term. Others (like meditation) are awesome tools, but are ineffective when used at the wrong time.

I became more aware of my stress and intensity level at the end of the workday when Brock and I instituted a new procedure last year. Before driving home, I would text him my “number,” a digit from 1 to 10 where 1 is napping in a hammock and 10 is performing CPR. He then sends me his number. My goal is to try to be no higher than a 4 as soon as possible after the final bell.

This system has motivated me to get more efficient at ramping down my stress. Below is the stress-busting system I have implemented over the last few months. I have found that these steps in this order effectively take me from a higher level of intensity to a lower level. They’re flexible, filling the time you have and adapting to your particular situation. On a really rough day, you may need all five steps. On an easier day, maybe you reach “Ahhh” much sooner.

Take a look. Give it a whirl. And let me know what you think 🙂

One – Move

feet-538245_1280The first step in releasing stress is getting out of your brain and into your body while starting to let go of any stored and stuck energy. This can be as complex as structured exercise or as simple as a walk down the hallway.

Bonus Points – Exercise Outside

Much of stress comes from a feeling of being confined, boxed into whatever circumstances surround us. So get out. Literally. Feel how small and inconsequential your concerns are against nature’s backdrop.

Two – Escape

kindle-381242_1280Get away from your stress and into another world. Play (and sing along!) to music on your commute. Watch a favorite show (we’re currently bingeing on Game of Thrones). Read a book. Complete a crossword or play some Angry Birds. If you have a tendency to escape too long, set a timer and give yourself a limit. The escape is a break, not continual avoidance.

Bonus Points – Write

Writing not only acts as an escape, it also allows you to purge and process. This is especially important if your source of stress is ongoing or requires that you change something.

Three – Release

runner-690265_1280Let it go. Massage your shoulders and roll them back down into place. Stretch your arms and work out the knots. Do some yoga, whether it be a full class or just holding a pose for a few moments. Try some version of a backbend; they’re delicious when you’re stressed.

Bonus Points – Sex

Whatever sex means for you. It not only serves as a physical release, it also releases hormones that relaxes the body and it is great at resetting the mind.

Four – Breathe

sky-114446_1280Focus on your breath and work to both slow it down and deepen it. If you’re still holding on, inhale through your nose and exhale loudly through your mouth. Aim to complete at least 10 focused breaths.

Bonus Points – Meditate

I often find that when I’m stressed, it can be difficult to do my usual meditation and that guided ones seem to be more effective. I especially like short ones that include body scanning as it helps to release any residual tension.

Five – Play

beach-863139_1280Play simply mean allowing yourself some unstructured time. Follow your instincts. Ideally, this play should be disconnected from technology, as too much stimulation and information keeps the stress going. If you have kids, play with them.

Bonus Points – Create

Allow your creative side to flow. It taps in to your core self and reconnects you with you as you let go of the day. If you have kids, create with them. It’s a gift for all of you.

I know this might sound overwhelming (which is the last thing you need when you’re stressed!), but it can really be quite streamlined on typical days. Here’s how it might look on a normal day for me:

Move – I usually do a bigger workout later in the evening, but I’ll do a few squats before I leave my classroom (during rough years, I’ve even kept a kettlebell in my room) and then I’m mindful of taking advantage of my walk to my car, paying special attention to the feel of the sun (unless it’s the winter!) and fresh air once I leave the building.

Escape – I listen to something either engaging (NPR or a digital book) or funny on the way home.

Release – Once home, I lay on my back with my legs up a wall for a few minutes and let the aches of the day start to fade.

Breathe – While my legs are up the wall, I focus on slowing my breathing. I often will turn on a chant on my meditation app that gives me a cadence to aim for.

Play – I pick up the tennis ball and throw it around for Tiger for a few minutes.

Total time invested? 40 minutes, 30 of which is my commute.

Value to quality of life? Priceless.