The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’ve all heard it so much that it has become trite – “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.” There’s truth in that statement because when we look for love outside of ourselves before we’ve found it within, we’re likely to end up in one of the following relationships:


Accepting Mistreatment

This is perhaps the most tragic result of a lack of self-worth. When you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll put up with a lot of abuse and neglect because you believe that is what you are worth.

This pattern is self-perpetuating. The abuser needs you to believe that you are less-than so that they can continue their threats and mistreatment. Their negative words join those that already reside inside your head, creating a cacophony of self-hate.

Perhaps this pattern is anchored in childhood or maybe it became learned during adulthood. Regardless of its origin, the first step in breaking out of an abusive relationship is believing that you deserve better. Because you absolutely do. The way they are treating you says more about their demons than you’re worth. Never forget that.

Tolerating a Controlling Partner

Some partners fall short of abusive, but they seek to unduly influence others because of their own fears of being rejected or abandoned. When your sense of self is low, it’s easier to accept this power imbalance because you doubt your own contributions.

When you don’t believe that your words matter, it’s hard to speak up. If you constantly downplay your ideas, you’re leaving a void for someone else to fill. When you allow someone else to make decisions for you, you’re communicating that they have more value than you.

Practice small. Set some easier boundaries. Practice having the difficult conversations. Build your confidence. Your words matter. Your ideas matter. YOU matter.

Acting As a People Pleaser

Not all relationships that come from a place of lacking self-love are abusive or controlling. Sometimes, the damaging patterns are much more subtle and may even be mistaken for a positive trait.

When you struggle to love yourself, you are holding onto a fear that others will not love or accept you. Often, this fear manifests in desperate – and often unhealthy – attempts to make others like you or to make yourself indispensable to them. These actions can serve to keep people in your life, but you’ll always wonder if they love you, or merely what you can do for them.

The same actions have an entirely different feeling when you’re doing them from a place of service or generosity instead of fear. Practice separating who you are from what you do. Put safeguards in place to ensure that you’re not giving more of yourself than you can afford. And make sure that when you’re trying to please others, that you place yourself on that list too.

Afraid to Leave Yet Not Happy Staying

Are you staying with the wrong person because you’re afraid of never finding someone else that will love you? When you harbor a belief that you’re lucky to have found someone that thinks you’re worth their time, you become paralyzed within that relationship, afraid to leap because you’re convinced that there is nothing else for you.

When you’re struggling to love yourself, the thought of being by yourself is terrifying. After all, who wants to spend every day alone with somebody they don’t like? As a result, you may elect to stay with someone…anyone to avoid being alone.

Make learning to accept yourself your number one priority. Learn to be okay – or even happy – in short stints by yourself. Slowly increase the duration until you start to believe that you are enough all on your own. You don’t need anyone else to complete you because you’re already whole.

It Starts Here…

We all want to feel loved and accepted. When we don’t feel that way towards ourselves, we often attempt to seek it from an external source, believing that we will be okay once somebody loves us. The problem with this belief is that it has it backwards – Love from another doesn’t make you accept your own worth. Your own worth attracts love from another.

The first step to finding a healthy relationship with another is creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

It all begins with you.

Six Ways We Hurt the Ones We Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex husband used to tell me, “I’ll never hurt you.” I knew it was bullshit. After all, the ones we love are also positioned to hurt us the most, even when it’s unintentional. Yet even though I knew his statement was wrong, I chose to believe him. Because I wanted it to be true.

In contrast, my now-husband will occasionally say, “I will hurt you. And you will hurt me.” I don’t necessarily like to hear it (after all, it’s not what I want to be true), but he’s right.

At some point, in every relationship, we hurt – and are hurt by – the ones we love.

Yet all those hurts are not the same. This is definitely one of those cases where the intention behind the act matters as much as – or even more than – the magnitude of the emotional injury.

1 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Inadvertently

We get careless. Speaking without thinking and making hurtful comments we don’t really mean. Often, we know we’ve stepped over the line as soon as our voice leaves our mouth. And apologies – and regret – soon follow.

This type of hurt is especially prevalent when people are busy, preoccupied or tired. We can try to mitigate it by taking a few moments to decompress from work before entering the home or being careful about topics broached when stress is high. Regardless, as long as we’re human, this sort of accidentally trespass will happen. Apologize, acknowledge the hurt feelings and move on.

2 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Unconsciously

Sometimes we forget that we don’t know everything about the people we love. And sometimes we say or do something hurtful without knowing that it is a tender area.

These are distressing missteps for both parties; one feels badly for the accidental wounding and the other is tending to the wound. At the same time, these can also be healing transgressions, as they provide an opportunity for increased vulnerability and openness.

3 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Cautiously

There are times when getting our own needs met mean hurting someone else in the process. This is deliberate harm, meaning that it is conscious and premeditated, yet it is also compassionate harm because the impact on the other is considered and buffered as much as possible.

Sometimes, hurting others in the short term is both necessary and kind for them in the long run. This is true for everything from administering a childhood vaccination to asking for a divorce in a lifeless marriage. Step carefully and with kindness, but make the needed cuts.

4 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Selfishly

When you hurt someone without regard for their feelings, it is different than the previous method. It’s selfish to act without regard for others when your wants crash against theirs.

This is often the type of hurt that arises from cheating. One partner is feeling unappreciated or ignored and so they seek to meet their desires without considering the pain that it will cause their spouse. Often, they will perform creative cognitive contortions to evade facing the reality of what they’re doing to their partner. In the worst cases, the selfish person then attempts to cover their initial harm with lying, manipulating and/or gaslighting. Jerks.


5 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Instinctively

We know what we have learned. And for those that have been raised in homes where any attention is good attention and abuse becomes muddled with love, they may hurt others from a place of unconscious reflex.

This is a tragic hurt as the contagion of unacknowledged trauma carries forth like a virus, infecting the next in line. And the only way to stop its spread is to face its origin and learn how to neutralize its power.

The hurt that radiates outwards from addicts, often leveling those around them, fall into this category. Yes, their actions are selfish, but they are operating at an instinctual level in an attempt to meet their needs.

6 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Intentionally

It’s difficult to accept that this is even possible. How can you love someone and yet seek to hurt them at the same time? Yet it is not so unusual for us to simultaneously possess such diametrically opposed – yet intense – emotions.

For some, it may come from an innate cruelty or disorder, abuse in its most ruthless form. For others, it is a much less harmful, using love testing in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.

Hurting the ones we love is inevitable. Yet it is within our power to limit the harm and to take responsibility when it does happen. And when we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to consider what may be behind the words or actions that caused pain.


10 Ways to Make Online Dating Suck a Little Less

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Online dating can be awesome – you have a huge pool of potential dates to select from, you are able to screen for basic compatibility ahead of time and you can “meet” people while you’re on the sofa in your sweats. But online dating has its downsides. The sheer number of people available can be overwhelming and a succession of mediocre (or even terrible) encounters can leave you feeling defeated.

The following ideas can help you get the most out of your time with online dating –

 

1 – Ensure Your Basic Emotional and Social Needs Are Already Met

If you are turning to online dating to have your emotional needs met, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can expect to have many superficial encounters and even if you meet someone that you click with, it will take time to build emotional intimacy with them.

Asking your online matches to meet your basic needs for connection and validation isn’t fair to them. They are not looking for someone to take care of (or, if they are, it’s a red flag that they’re not ready for a relationship); they are seeking someone to spend time with and get to know. It’s a lose-lose situation when people are too “hungry” for connection when they begin dating – the grasping will push others away and the need for emotional contact will go unfulfilled.

 

2 – Limit Your Choices

I remember when I first made my Match account about nine years ago. A newbie to online dating, I cast a wide net, basically setting my parameters as males between the ages of 25 and 45 in the metro Atlanta area. I was rewarded with a never-ending stream of profiles that numbered close to 40,000. I knew I needed to date a lot of men to learn more about what I was looking for, but that seemed a little excessive.

I was hesitant about narrowing my parameters too much, as my goal was to meet a variety of people. Luckily, Match had a manageable number of “daily picks” that they sent out and so I limited myself to pursuing those profiles.

We all can become overwhelmed when there are too many choices. In fact, a study with a jam display in a supermarket found that when there were too many varieties to choose from (I think the limit was eight), customers were less likely to make a purchase. But as soon as the choices were narrowed, selections increased. When we have a seemingly infinite number to choose from, we believe that we can always find one better. Of course, that means the looking becomes endless.

Find a way to curate the profiles you see. If you’re on a large dating site, explore how you can narrow the potential matches you see. Alternately, consider signing up for a smaller, more specialized site that already filters matches for you. Because when it comes to online dating, the number of people available is both a blessing and a curse.

 

3 – Meet Early and Have an Easy Out

One of the best pieces of advice I received was to limit the amount of time spent messaging somebody before a meeting. It’s amazing how someone can seem like a perfect match via text, but become an immediate “No!” once you see them in person. Statistically, you’re going to meet a lot of duds (although I’ll explain soon how this can still be a “good” date). If you have already built somewhat of a relationship through messaging, it can difficult to cut them loose. Whereas if they are still a relative stranger, it’s much easier to say, “I’m just not feeling a connection. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon.”

Keep the initial encounter simple and ensure that you can leave early if you want. Coffee is a standard choice here for a reason – it’s cheap, it’s everywhere, it can be over in as little as twenty minutes and if there is a connection, you can always get a refill.

 

4 – View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This was my favorite way to avoid “bad” dates. Before each encounter, I would remind myself that my only goal was to learn something – about the other person, about myself or about some area of expertise that they had. And as long as I came away with some new information, I considered the date a win (even if I never wanted to see the man again!).

I found that this approach helped to remove some of the pressure off each date, because I wasn’t so worried about them being the “right” one. It aided in conversation, as my motivation truly was one of curiosity. And best of all, that knowledge stays with you even though the person may not.

 

5 – Get Out of Your Head

Anybody else like to stress about things? Overthink their choices? Worry that people won’t like you?

Yeah, me too.

And if that’s the attitude that you have before each date, dating is going to be stressful.

You may already know what works best for you to get into a flow state and get out of your head. Awesome. Do that before each encounter.

If you’re at a loss, here’s what worked for me –

I found one “date” dress that I wore constantly. It looked nice and (very importantly), it was super-comfortable. This removed any agonizing over what to wear for first dates. I scheduled dates for either right after work (so that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to let stress build) or for after a gym session (where the activity would bleed any anxiety). Before I got out of the car, I would take five deep breaths and remind myself that all I needed to do was learn one thing.

And then I jumped in, putting all my focus on my date so that there was no room left to reside in my own thoughts.

 

6 – Do Things You Enjoy

Dating takes time. So you may as well double up and do things you enjoy while you’re on a date. The benefits are two-fold: you are more likely to be relaxed and happy and your date will get an opportunity to get to know you better.

I went to museum exhibits, hiked nearby trails and went snow tubing on some of my dates. Sometimes I enjoyed the companionship, and sometimes the experience was the enjoyment. Eventually, I learned to keep a list of locations or upcoming events at the ready so that I could suggest them easily.

Alternately, be open to new experiences, that are novel either to both of you or only to you. There’s an energy that comes from novelty that can enrich any date.

 

7 – Depersonalize Any Rejections

I know rejection stings.

But when you’re rejected from an online connection or after a first date, that rejection has nothing to do with you. After all, the other person doesn’t even know you yet.

They have an expectation of what they want in their head. And based upon what they have seen, you don’t meet that expectation. That’s not a value judgement on you. It has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough.

You are simply not what they are looking for. As straightforward as somebody wanting a blue car instead of a red truck.

Keep being you. You’re exactly what somebody is looking for.

 

8 – Give People a Chance

I first met my now-husband nine years ago at a coffee shop after messaging on Match. If somebody had told me when I walked out of our meeting that I had just been with my future husband, I would have been incredulous. I mean, the date went fine, but there were no fireworks and no clear signs that we were a great team.

Those came months later.

Remember that the entire purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second. The second is to figure out if you both want a third. Don’t worry too much about the unforeseeable future in the beginning and be open to somebody being the right fit even if there’s no sparks flying during the initial meeting.

Also, don’t be so wedded to a “type” that you ignore great people that could just bring out a whole other side of you. By all means, look for potential partners that share your basic values, energy level and life trajectory, but don’t be too limiting about the details.

 

9 – Take a Break When You Need To

Online dating can feel like a job. And it’s one you can quit at any time. Whenever you find yourself dating because you feel obligated or you find that you’re becoming bitter about the type of encounters you’re having, take a breather.

Dating is more a marathon than a sprint. Take the scenic route. Enjoy breaks when you need them. Focus on the other relationships in your life. The internet will still be there when you’re ready to return.

 

10 – Remind Yourself it’s a Numbers Game

You’re not going to find what you’re looking for on the first date. Or the second. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.

I think sometimes we see dating like a well-organized clothing store. You walk in, locate the gendered section you want, walk to the display that appeals to you and rifle through the rack until you locate your size.

But that’s not how it works.

Dating is more like a flea market where there is a lot of junk that you have to wade through to find the treasures. As a result, you have to commit some time and energy to the search. You may enter with an expectation of what you’re looking for, but then something completely different may catch your eye.

Be curious. Be patient. And have fun.

Life’s too short to do otherwise!

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
boundaries

As a teacher, I get to see boundaries – and the lack thereof – in action every single day. It’s funny how much I have evolved in this since my nascent years as an educator. I used to read up on specific classroom management strategies, many of which involved complicated reward systems and methods for tracking behavior. I used these methods, not because they were particularly effective, but because I didn’t know any other way.

I have since learned.

Now, my classroom management comes down to two principles – build relationships with the kids and put effort into establishing the classroom expectations and boundaries at the beginning.

 

It’s amazing how much people thrive when they know you care and they know what is expected of them.

 

Boundaries Create Clear Expectations

Most people want to do the right thing. They want to get along and they prefer to make others happy rather than disappointed. Without guidelines, people are operating in the dark. And when there are no upfront expectations, human behavior has a tendency to slide towards the selfish.

It’s not fair to expect people to act a certain way if we have not expressed our preferences. Relationships built upon assumptions and blind guessing rarely succeed. We have so far failed to master telepathy and until we do, communicating boundaries is a key element of creating clear expectations.

 

Boundaries Help to Maintain a Balanced Relationship

When a relationship exists between one person with strong boundaries and another who has a poorly-defined perimeter, there is often an imbalance of power. The one without a clearly-defined sense of self struggles to say “no” and stand up for themselves. There may be a sense that they have to give in to get along and so they may often find that they become dependent upon their partner.

When you set limits, you are in control of how much you will allow your partner to take from you. You get to say, “You can have this much and no more.” When these parameters exist on both sides, there is a natural balance that occurs between independence and interdependence.

 

Boundaries Are a Sign That You Know Your Worth

When you don’t have strong boundaries, you are prone to allowing yourself to be used for the benefit of others. On the other hand, if you have a strong belief in yourself, your values and your worth, you will set higher expectations for those that you accept into your life.

There is a well-known phenomena in economics that states that people value what they have to pay for. When you have strong boundaries, you are in essence stating that there is a price for being close to you. It’s easy to undervalue yourself and set these guidelines too low. Yet when you do so, you are communicating that you do not have value. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

The flip side of this truth is that once you learn to create and maintain strong boundaries, anyone you lose probably needed to go because they didn’t see your worth.

 

Boundaries Keep You From Losing Yourself

If you don’t know where you end and others begin, what’s to keep you from bleeding out? When you hear about somebody losing themselves in a relationship it’s often because they never established the necessary safety fencing that says, “This is me. These are my rights and my beliefs. You can visit, perhaps even stay awhile. But you can’t take any souvenirs away with you. Because when and if you leave, this is still me.”

 

 

 

 

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

 

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

 

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Communicating your boundaries can be difficult, especially when it is an important relationship to you. Maintaining those boundaries when they’re challenged or when the consequences become distressing is even harder. The following strategies will help you  set and maintain boundaries within your relationships at home, at work and in the world at large:

Learn What is Important to You

If you try to set boundaries about everything from the words people say around you to the gifts that you’ll receive, you’ll come off as high-maintenance at best and a complete and total ass at worst. Boundaries are powerful and work best when they are applied judiciously.

These are some examples of appropriate boundaries. Choose and/or adapt the ones that resonate with you.

  • I will not tolerate being hit, shoved or slapped.
  • It is not okay for you to call me names.
  • I will not allow you to tell me how I can spend my personal time or money.
  • My spiritual beliefs are my domain and I will not accept your input on these.
  • I will not permit you to make comments about my weight or appearance unless I ask for input.
  • It is not okay for you to tell me how I feel.
  • I am not able to help you at this time.
  • At work, I will not drop everything for an emergency that is a result of somebody else not doing their part.
  • With friends and family, I will not tolerate comments about a decision that has been made.

Make the distinction between the hard line of a boundary and an unwillingness to discuss a situation. Take finances within a marriage, for example. It is completely appropriate and necessary for the couple to discuss an overall financial strategy and to continue to hold discussions around money when the situation changes. A boundary that states that money is not allowed to be discussed is not appropriate. An acceptable boundary would be that a spouse cannot tell their partner how to spend money that has already been agreed upon as a personal account.

Consider your personal beliefs and core values. Your most important boundaries should protect what makes you, you.

Become Aware of Signs That Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed

We’re often not very good at recognizing these signs, especially within high-value relationships. Here are some signs to look for.

It can be easy to believe that a “good” spouse/friend/child/sibling/employee simply keeps the peace and allows others to do as they want. But your inaction is still action and there are consequences. A healthy relationship has boundaries on both sides – lines that delineate another’s sphere of influence from your own.

Practice Communicating Your Boundaries

When choosing your words, remember that your boundaries are about you; they are not an attack or criticism of another person. Keep your statement simple and refrain from inserting emotion. If you’re currently in a more energetic state, wait until you are calm before communicating your limits.

Be ready to repeat your statement. Especially if this is new for you, it may be dismissed the first (or second, or third…) time. At school with my students, I become more and more like broken record (does that metaphor even work any more???) the more emotional the kids become. It feels strange in the moment, but it’s very effective at bypassing power struggles.

Start Small and Build as You Become More Comfortable

If you’re not used to speaking up and stating your limits, it can be easiest to begin in a low-stakes situation, where you have less to lose. One area that often gives (too many) opportunities is in customer service.

Was your food cold? Let the waiter know and calmly state your expectation that the food is not acceptable. Did the front desk blow you off? Be assertive and let the office manager know what you need going forward.

If you tend to avoid confrontation, boundary-setting is scary because of the (often imagined and catastrophized consequences). It’s going to feel strange and scary at first. However, once you see that people generally respond positively to knowing where exactly the line is, you’ll become more comfortable.

Ensure That You Follow Through

A boundary that is ignored as soon as it becomes too much work to enforce is even worse than a boundary never erected. If it’s worth the energy to create the parameters, it’s worth the effort needed to maintain it.

You will be challenged. It’s human nature. We all want to see what we can get away with, and some do this more than others. Be strong and confident. Stand up for yourself.

Decide What to Do About Repeat Offenders

If someone refuses to adhere to your boundaries, you may have to walk away. When your workplace repeated steamrolls you, it may be time to seek new employment. If your friend continually asks for help and doesn’t step up for themselves, you may need to cut them loose.

Are you willing to do this?

It’s a hard question, especially when we value the relationship. Be aware that staying with the status quo may also have a high price to pay. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries