relationships

Dry Rot

Posted on March 31, 2012 by stilllearning2b

My marriage was a house with dry rot. Who knows when that first insidious fungi moved in, starting to dissolve the home from the inside out? The structure over the marriage was covered with plaster, a perfectly placid facade that hid the underlying infection. The dry rot, in the form of lies and deceptions, ate away at the very foundation of the marriage, creating vacuums where once had stood strong supports. The damage grew, showing no symptoms, until one day catastrophic failure occurred and the entire structure collapsed. If the infection had been visible, perhaps it could have been treated before it led to the ruin of the home. But, he worked hard to keep it hidden, distracting me with new paint and wall coverings that hid the extensive damage. I thought my marriage was a beautiful home. It turned out to be nothing but a pile of sawdust.

I am determined to not let dry rot erode my relationship now. The structure is more visible; there are no elaborate decorations hiding the bare bones beneath. We keep an eye out for potential sources of moisture that could initiate the dry rot process and we work to eradicate the dampness before it spreads. We seek out areas of weakness in the joists and work together to build braces to enhance their integrity. There are no promises that I will not face a collapsing house again, but this time, I refuse to live in a home unaware that it is being destroyed from within. This time, I want a relationship that stands.

Divorce Envy

Posted on March 29, 2012May 5, 2012 by stilllearning2b

I am generally not a jealous person. I don’t mind people that are better looking, make more money, or drive a better car (which is good, since my 13 year old car is pockmarked from hail and covered with pollen!). The one area where I feel the insidious presence of the green-eyed monster is divorce. That’s right; I suffer from divorce envy.

When I hear friends talk about going to lunch with their ex-spouse, I wonder why I have to be in the situation where my lover became an instant stranger. I encounter discussions about amicable divorces that sound about as stressful as packing away the winter wardrobe and bringing out the summer clothes. I get frustrated when people make statements about how women always do better in a divorce, after taking all their husband’s money. And I know some who have.

I have come to terms with being divorced. I have come a long way with dealing with the pain inflicted upon me. But some times, I wish I could have had it differently. A divorce that didn’t have to be devastating. A husband that didn’t disappear. Rather, two lives that simply went in different directions. Of course, if it had not been for the difficult divorce, I would not be on the path I am now. The hardship is exactly what forced me to re-evaluate, re-balance, and re-learn. I am thankful for that.

When I saw Christie Brinkley’s interview the other day (and her ex’s response), I immediately identified with her. So many people including Matt Lauer, it seems), do not understand what it is like to divorce someone who is entirely devoid of empathy and will not hesitate to lie to serve their own end. She has had a difficult divorce too, and I am sure that it has sent her on a new journey. I hope that she has been able to find strength and purpose in her new life. And, I hope for both of us that we are able to be grateful for the blessings in our own situations and not dwell too much on divorce envy.

What’s Up with Breaking Up?

Posted on March 26, 2012June 8, 2013 by stilllearning2b

There is no way to sugar-coat it; the end of a relationship is hard. You are mourning the loss of what was and the possibility of what could be. You may be faced with sides of your partner or even yourself that are strangers to you. You may be facing the fact that the person who swore to love and protect you was actually the one from whom you required protection. Your whole world and your place in it folds in on itself like some sort of mutant origami, only flashes of the old life still visible. In is this complete and total devastation, hides the power of a break-up. You can fold your new life into beautiful new forms. After the crying and screaming, of course.

What’s Up with Breaking Up?.

Extend a Hand

Posted on March 24, 2012 by stilllearning2b

In those first few days and weeks of sudden singlehood, I was angry. I wanted to curse his name in a thousand languages, yet I knew only one. I wanted to create effigies of him and burn them, but our county had posted a burn ban that summer. I wanted to use his mug shot for target practice, but I owned no range weapons.

Bow and Arrows (Photo credit: JennicaLyons)

I realized soon enough that this mindset would not help me in the long run. I turned to the internet, looking for inspiration from people who had been there. Guides through the hellish journey of the end of a marriage.

I was disappointed in what I found. The vast majority of sites were populated with people who were in the early stages. Filled with vitriol and anger, spewing forth their rage across the web. I get it. You cannot heal until you release the pus that poisons the wound. But I wanted to hear from people who had started to scab over. I wanted to know what to expect when the scab fell off. Or how to keep it from becoming infected. Even better, I wanted to know what the scars of divorce would look like and how to help them fade.

Day 121: Scarred (Photo credit: Sarah Mae)

What I found was that people stopped sharing, stopped talking, once their own journey was set and they were out of the overwhelming darkness and confusion that dominates the early stages. That is a shame, for there is much to be learned from those who have traveled the long road and know all its markers.

The most powerful images I have from Tough Mudder is the spontaneous creation of human chains, as people (strangers in most cases), who were just slightly further along on an obstacle, extended a hand to the person behind them. This linkage allowed all to successfully navigate an obstacle that would have been insurmountable alone.