Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“But what if I lose the friendship?” I thought as I debated about pressing send on the text message.

“So what if you do?” my inner voice replied, “Would that be so bad?”

Feeling guilty, I worried that I would be perceived as rude. I was concerned that this person would decide to cut off all contact in protest of adhering to my request. Rereading my words, I analyzed them for signs of disregard that may lead to hurt feelings.

“Maybe I should just suck it up,” I thought, placing the burden solely on my shoulders where it had taken up residence years before.

“You’ve tried that,” the inner wiseman again replied, “And how’s that been working for you?”

For many of, setting, communicating and maintaining boundaries is a struggle. Here’s why –

Learned Behavior

For those that have been raised to be People Pleasers (™) or decided to take that role upon themselves, setting boundaries feels just plain wrong. The thought of instating limits brings up counterarguments of hurt feelings, disappointment and anger. Guilt soon follows and the consideration of boundaries is left by the wayside.

When you have been taught to subjugate yourself for others, the setting of boundaries feels neglectful or even cruel. “I have to help,” you think, even when helping is at the expense of your own health.

One of the boundaries that I set for myself in the early days of teaching was this –

Never help somebody more than they are willing to help themselves.

It’s a good reminder on the limitations of what we can do for another and also a prompt to look out for yourself too.

Fear of Loss

Setting or reinstating boundaries in a relationship always contains some risk. After all, things will change. And you cannot control if the other person responds by respecting your newly confirmed limits or instead makes the decision to exit the relationship.

Sometimes, we avoid laying down the line because we fear speaking up. We convince ourselves that it is better to stay silent and just deal with it instead of facing the unknown.

It does take courage to speak up. You may face consequences you would rather not deal with. And the relationship could end.

But when the alternative is losing yourself, it’s a risk worth taking.

Low Self-Worth

If you don’t believe you’re worth protecting, you won’t put the effort into building boundaries around yourself.

Go back and read that again.

So often, we fail to set boundaries because we don’t believe that we deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At some point, we have absorbed the idea that we will only be loved for what we can do or be for others.

And so we give them full access to ourselves even when they leave a mess behind.

You matter.

Never let anyone else convince you otherwise.

Overwhelm and Fatigue

Sometimes the reason that boundaries are neglected is as simple as a limitation of time and energy. You can see this in single parents with their children when, after a day filled with work to pay the bills and an evening filled with arguments about homework and dinner, there is simply no energy left over to enforce the rules about screen time. It’s easier in the moment to simply give in.

One clue that energy is the problem is that the boundary has been communicated and established but the maintenance has been neglected. At some point, the testing has become too much and the lines fall.

I’ve been feeling this one myself even as I write this today. Our new rescue pup has been testing me, interrupting nearly every sentence with an action that needs correction and reinforcement. I’m tired. I’m getting frustrated. Yet I also know that if I give in by letting her go wold or give up by crating her so I can finish, I’ll simply be postponing the inevitable (and incidentally, making it a more difficult job).

Energy is indeed finite. But those boundaries that protect your personal sanity and well-being are not the place to skimp.

Like with anything, practice makes better. Start small and build your boundaries one at a time. Taking care of you is not an indulgence. It’s a necessity.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wish there was a class in high school that taught people about the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries in personal relationships.

Unfortunately, the powers-that-be decided that learning the exact year of the Battle of the Alamo was more important than learning how to have healthy relationships with yourself and others. And so, we’re left fumbling about in adulthood trying to figure it all out.

The following are signs that you might need to put some effort into setting or strengthening your boundaries in one or more relationships –

Anger

Anger is often one of the first signs that our boundaries have been crossed. It provokes a sense of being disregarded or even assaulted as others railroad us in pursuit of their own desires.

Often, either shock at the disregard for another’s feelings or an entrenched discomfort with anger prompts us to keep our mounts shut in the name of keeping the peace. And well it’s true that boundaries should not be set in anger, anger is a sign that they may need to be instated once tempers have eased.

Frustration

Anger requires energy and energy is a finite resource. Over time, when boundaries are continually ignored, anger waters down into chronic bitterness or frustration. This is an interesting state because our irritation is aimed at the other person when often we hold the key to change it.

Of course, a certain amount of frustration is inevitable whenever you’re dealing with a fellow imperfect human, but if it has become a constant companion, it’s the light on your dash informing you that your boundaries are low.

Exhaustion

Having your emotional and intrapersonal space invaded on the regular is exhausting. Relationships require energy, but if yours is continually leaving you feeling drained and wrung out, it’s a clear indicator that some guidelines need to be established.

This is often an ignored sign of a lack of boundaries because when you’re feeling exhausted, the last thing you want to do is expend the energy to create and maintain new conventions. Yet here’s the fact – if you don’t change your approach, you will remain feeling used and exhausted and if you invest the energy up front, you will eventually feel restored and revitalized.

Resentment

You know what people who ignore your boundaries don’t do? Appreciate and thank you for the opportunity.

Over time and with repeated disregard, you will inevitably feel resentment for the other person. Often, those of us that end up in this predicament have a belief that if we just give enough, the other person will love and appreciate us.

What we’re forgetting is that we teach people how to treat us. So if we give and give with no limits, we are communicating that self-sacrifice is to be expected. Interestingly, when giving occurs within well-established boundaries, it is both more appreciated and less self-sacrificing.

Walking on Eggshells

Frequently, boundaries are absent or poorly enforced within relationships that are control and/or fear-based. The encroaching partner seeks to dominate and the boundary-lacking partner is afraid of being discarded.

When a sense of walking on eggshells in an attempt to let sleeping beasts lie becomes the norm, it is important to take a look at what you’re willing to tolerate in the name of being with this person. If you struggle to see this clearly for yourself, think of what you would advise for a friend or your child in a similar situation. Would you want them to put up with the same behaviors you are?

When we’re in difficult or toxic relationships, we often fall back on wanting – or waiting – for the other person to change. What we often fail to realize is how much power we have to alter the situation. And that all begins with boundaries.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

What Are Boundaries in Personal Relationships?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Parenting can help us learn about boundaries. Imagine a family with a young child. In this household, the rule is, “No cookies until after dinner.” The child, as children do, continually tests this rule. “Maybe if I scream loudly enough, I’ll get that cookie”, they think. They push and poke to see what they can get away with, hoping that their will is stronger than the adult’s patience.

A practiced parent upholds the guideline firmly and without emotion, “You will get your cookie after dinner,” is repeated calmly and frequently in response to the tantrums.

The parent knows that this pushback isn’t personal, even if the child tries to make it seem so with screams of, “I hate you!” and “You’re the worst mommy/daddy ever!”. Just as we know that the no-cookies-before-dinner boundary is not created to harm the child.

Boundaries are important in adult relationships as well.

Obviously relationships between adults are different than those between a parent and child. The power dynamic is equally shared and personal agency is maintained. Yet even so, we can use those simpler relationships to help us learn how to create and enforce boundaries in the rest of our lives.

Boundaries are a statement of what you are willing to tolerate.  They do not seek to control someone else, yet they also are a refusal to be controlled. Like in the situation with the cookies and child, boundaries are not coming from a place of wanting to harm another. They are simply facts, communicated clearly and followed with consequences if broken.

Boundaries create a distinction that says, “This is me. And that is you.”

In adult relationships, healthy boundaries are a sign that each person has a strong identity and awareness of their own values. They are an indication that there is enough independence that each partner has the right to state their own needs and limitations.

Of course, your needs don’t supersede those of your partner. And so part of boundary-making involves risk. Because if they decide not to accept your guidelines, they may elect to leave. It’s a good reminder that you can control your actions, but not another’s response (nor are you responsible for that response).

Boundaries don’t negate “I love you,” but they do say, “I won’t love you if it means neglecting myself.” 

In the parlance of the commonly cited oxygen-mask metaphor, setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you won’t help others secure their life-saving devices. It simply means that you refuse to let them interfere with your right to affix yours first.

Boundaries are critical for the health of ALL of our relationships – romantic, parent/child, work, family and friendships. Effort spent in improving this domain will have far-reaching benefits for you and those around you.

Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the rest of the series:

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries In Personal Relationships?

Signs That You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries

How to Get Better at Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Why So Many of Us Struggle With Maintaining Boundaries

The Most Important Lessons From My Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Often the lessons we need most are the ones we are most resistant to. I never wanted to be divorced. In fact, losing my husband, through any means, was my greatest fear in life. So, when I found myself suddenly facing divorce at the age of 32 after being betrayed by my best friend and partner of 16 years, I was lost.

The best lessons can often be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a window where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. It is a time when the ego has been forcefully stripped away and we are able to face those challenging lessons that we may usually avoid. In those moments, we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

The following are some of the lessons I learned on the heels of my divorce:

1) When Gratitude is Your Wrapping Paper, Everything is a Gift

You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your attitude. I wasted time after the divorce being angry and playing victim. Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to soften and to look at the bigger picture. The divorce and its associated trauma happened; I could not alter that reality. I could, however, choose to change my reaction. I have begun to practice radical gratitude – being thankful for the man who deceived and abandoned me. I began by writing a list of ten reasons I am thankful for him and I continue to write a note of gratitude every time I make a payment on the debt he left behind. The situation hasn’t changed, but I now can view my divorce as a springboard for better things.

2) Happiness is Your Choice

I used to tell my husband, “You make me happy.” I meant those words as a compliment, an endearment. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. When he left, I realized that if he truly made me happy, then he also took my potential well being out the door with him. I also began to see the unfair burden I placed on him by making him the keeper of my happiness. That was not fair to him or to me. I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I can choose to be happy with or happy in spite of. Regardless, it is my responsibility.

3) The Past Doesn’t Stay Buried

My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. He denounced their dynamics and always said that his biggest fear was turning into his father. I took his word for it; I thought he was safe from their destructive patterns since he was aware of them and wanted to make different choices. I underestimated the power of the past. If there is one thing that alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets. Apparently those lessons of silence and secrets were too embedded for him to overcome. The skill set was just waiting in the wings until the right moment came along. When he began to struggle during our marriage (with money, alcohol, depression, employment…who knows?), his reflexes kicked in and he covered it up. The past is like a vampire – if you try to defeat it solely by burying it, it will come back to bite you.

4) “Knew” is Not the Same as “Know”

I met my husband when I was just 15. I knew his family. I knew everything from the name of his elementary school to his biggest fears and wishes in life. I thought I knew him. I could describe every little nuance of my husband with the utmost confidence. It was misplaced confidence. I didn’t realize that the man I knew was no longer the man in front of me. We are all fluid, changing with age and environment. Getting to know someone never ends.

5) Work Avoidance Goes Both Ways

I have always had a tendency to work. A lot. I always saw that as a positive trait, an asset. It was only more recently that I realized that my drive to work was often out of a fear of what I would see if I slowed down. The divorce acted like a highlighter in my life, illuminating areas that I used to avoid through work. I learned to slow down and to trust in my ability to face the present. I now breathe through discomfort rather than try to hide from it.

6) The Body Often Knows More Than the Mind

For the last couple years of my marriage, I seemed to catch every cold that came through the school where I worked. I had trouble sleeping, often waking in the middle of the night. I sensed a tension coursing through my body – a low level yet ever-present anxiety. Since there were no outward signs of discord in my marriage, I assumed the tension was due to a difficult time at work. I was shocked to realize, after I recovered from the initial trauma of the abandonment, that my body was more relaxed than it had been in years. I now listen to my body’s messages even when they seem unfounded.

7) Wellness is Not Measured in Hours at the Gym

I used to think I was well. I ate a healthy diet, exercised daily and even managed to do a little yoga once in a while. I used to think I was well, but I wasn’t. After the divorce, I had to rebuild my health and this time, I had a much more holistic and balanced approach. I became a math teacher after struggling with the material myself as a child. I was drawn to wellness coaching for a similar reason. It allows me to utilize my teaching skills along with what I have learned about wellness from a balanced standpoint after my own journey.

8) There is a Difference Between Trust and Complacency

My ex husband gained my trust over many years. He held his word and voiced his thoughts. I trusted him completely. I trusted him so much that I became complacent. I assumed the trust would remain and that he would continue to be honest and faithful. I assumed wrong. I have learned to trust again (through the help of my dog!) but I will never again become complacent. My eyes now remain wide open.

9) Life is Not a Waiting Room

I used to be an expert at delaying life. I would prioritize work and promise myself a break in some imagined future. I would squirrel away money, imaging it being saved for some mythical future. When the divorce washed away my life in one destructive wave, I realized that I was waiting rather than living. I still work hard and I’m still frugal natured, but I no longer put life off for the future.

10) Holding is Out of Love; Clinging is Out of Fear

I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. It was only afterwards that I saw the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move. I now have healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of my control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” Facing my fears has had a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

With some of these lessons, I am now doing master’s level work. With others, I am repeating the introductory course. Either way, it is okay. The point is not to make an “A,” rather the intention is to be open to new lessons and to persevere through even the most difficult tutorials. I just hope I don’t have to endure such a harsh teacher again!

 

Marriage is Not a Test

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Marriage is not a test.
I lived.
I loved.
I lost.
But I didn’t fail.

Society makes assumptions about those who are divorced. Maybe we lack the fortitude to persist through difficulties. Perhaps we possess some great fatal flaw that makes us unable to sustain matrimony. Or, possibility we are flighty, given to jump in without thought and give up just as easily.
There is often shame inherent in admitting that one is divorced, like some scarlet letter “D” is forever branded upon your character if your “ever after” ended sooner than expected. It’s as though you failed at one of the biggest assessments you face as an adult.

In the strictest sense, my marriage did fail. After all, it ceased to exist upon the receipt of the horrific text: “I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I’m leaving you and leaving the state.” Furthermore, my husband failed me through his betrayal and abandonment. I failed him by not seeing that he needed help and I failed myself by not being aware of his actions and the signs of a crumbling marriage. Yet, even with all that defeat, I refuse to look at my marriage as a failure. That label undermines our years together with all its shared memories and joys; the shared life and experiences are negated with that single word. Although I did feel as though I failed in some ways, I was adamant that I was not going to let my divorce define me as a failure.

Failure is an act, not a person. I’m divorced. Not defective.

As I grappled with the end of my marriage, I found comfort in the words of others. Others who had faced their own challenges and were determined to learn from and grow from their mistakes and unrealized goals.
There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums. Michael J. Fox

 

When the marriage died, I felt like I expired right along with it. As though my respirator had been yanked from my face and I was struggling to find the strength and will to breathe on my own. I felt unanchored and unable to escape from the pull of the dying marriage. Failures are not vacuums; we can summon the strength to move beyond them. The realization that I could choose to redefine my divorce was powerful; it gave me the motivation and momentum to continue.
I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. Tony Robbins

 

I am often asked if I would have married him if I could turn back the years. I would. Yes, the divorce and associated suffering have been the most painful experience of my life. Yet, I could not imagine my life without having endured that pain. Without that failure, I would not have the perspective that allows so much gratitude and acceptance in my life today. Acceptance that extends to forgiveness for my ex and myself for the conditions that led to the end of the marriage.
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. J. K. Rowling

 

I used to be too fear adverse in my old life; I would engage it what I call “practicing the perfect,” which is a way to feed the ego at the expense of the soul. I would try things only if I believed that I had a good chance of success. Interestingly, the cataclysmic end of the marriage released me from that fear of failing. I learned that it’s rarely fatal and that security is only an illusion. You’ll never know what you can do unless you try.
A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying. B. F. Skinner

 

The tendency is to respond to failure in one of two ways — blame others or internalize the mistake. That’s the ego talking again. It’s helpful to realize that most people in most situations are doing the best they can. I used this to help soften towards my ex. I realized that he didn’t do these things to me; I was simply collateral damage in his decisions. I also let up on the self-flagellation for not recognizing any red flags.
Success is not a good teacher, failure makes you humble. Shahrukh Khan

 

Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym. Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others. This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance. And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster. When we fail at something, we can either give up or ask for help. Allow yourself to be humble, ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process. Oprah Winfrey

 

My biggest issue with labeling my marriage as a failure is that it focuses on the end and ignores the 16 years together. The 16 good years. Those still count. I still think back and smile. I may not love the man but I still love the memories. I think this thought is especially poignant for those with children from the union. It’s important for the kids not to think that you see the marriage that created them as a waste, a mistake. In some way and for some amount of time, it was successful.
Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Denis Waitley

 

Divorce is a powerful teacher if you listen to its lessons. Its methods may be harsh but its messages are life changing. A failed marriage does not make you a failure. The only true failure is failing to live and love, even if that means that sometimes you may lose.
Related:  What Makes a Marriage Successful (and Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)
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