8 Ways This Election is Like a Dirty Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Can I just hibernate until November? Pretty please?

I reached election fatigue several months ago and it’s only getting worse with the ever-present coverage and the ever-increasing contemptible behavior from the politicians, the media and even the general public.

I miss my educational and informative talk radio during my drives; it has morphed into a never-ending episode of Jerry Springer, only the guests are fighting over power instead of girlfriends. Thank goodness for audiobooks and Pandora. So far they’re untouched.

My Facebook feed looks like the politicians are trying to battle it out via memes, as though the one with the most superimposed quotes will capture the flag of the presidency. I wish I could install some sort of political filter on my social media so that I can still have friends come next year.

I’m tired of trying to explain to my students that mentions of penis size and potential federal indictments are not usually part of a presidential campaign. And that politics is supposed to be about governance, not entertainment. Yes, this is reality TV. But it’s reality TV that’s way more important than your favorite contestant being voted off the island.

And here’s the crazy thing – even though I have absolutely no experience in politics (and nor do I ever intend to), this election is bringing back some unpleasant deja vu for me. Not of an election. But of a dirty divorce.

The 8 ways this election season reminds me of a no-good, very-bad, down-and-dirty divorce:

Emotion Trumps Reason (No Pun Intended)

Looking back, I can see that I made many irrational decisions during my divorce. And that’s because I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was hurt and wanted to shovel some of that hurt on him. I was in shock and busy reacting instead of pressing pause and planning. But mostly, I was scared. Scared of what the unknown future would hold. And so I was grasping onto anything I could that gave me a sense of control over my life. With the gift of hindsight, there are some things I would have done differently. But I wouldn’t have been able to hear that advice then because I was too flooded with emotion to be able to reason.

This election is much the same. People are appearing to lose their minds. And that’s because rational thought has been displaced with emotion. People are frightened about what is around the corner for our country and they want to hold on to any sense of control that they can find. Much like facing a malignant ex in court, watching your anti-candidate debate fills you with disgust and aversion. If you have a beloved candidate, that person fills you with hope and promise, much like the first flame after a brutal break-up.

And the politicians and the media know this. They play on the emotions, knowing that emotions drive views, clicks and follow throughs. Just like the lawyers are the ones to benefit from an ugly divorce, the media is cashing in on this election. We’re being played.

Everything is Presented in Black and White

In family court, the story of the marriage and its demise is presented in absolutes – “I was the perfect spouse. He/she did everything wrong.” Nuance is wiped away in favor of decisive judgments. A lifetime of interactions and emotions and needs are distilled down into sparse sentences and quantified into legally-binding calculations.

This over-simplification is occurring as well in the political arena. Complex health plans are relayed in a single paragraph. A soundbite captures the intentions for illegal immigrants. These absolutes are easy to understand and easy to repeat. Yet they ignore the muddied gray area that really exists.

There is a place for stripping something down to its bare bones in order to see the inherent components and structure. But never get complacent that the skeleton is all there is. People and life are more complex than that.

Winning Becomes Everything

I was a boxer defending my title in the ring of my divorce. I was determined to win, even though I wasn’t exactly sure what winning even looked like. I just knew that I needed to be the victor. At any cost.

When I sat in court across the aisle from my soon-to-be-ex, I remember looking at this stranger and wondering how we could have gone from planning for retirement together to him trying to wrestle my retirement from me. We had completely lost sight of our once-shared goals.

When watching the current presidential contenders on the battlefield, it’s almost impossible to believe that they all (supposedly) share the common goal of guiding this country and its inhabitants towards a better future. They have become so consumed with obtaining the title (and wounding their opponents), that they seem to have forgotten what the purpose of the role even is.

Dirty Fighting in the Norm

As a pathological rule-follower, I was mortified when I first saw the lies from my husband recorded on his discovery documents. “How could he sink so low? How can he lie on legal documents?” I asked my attorney. She was unfazed. In a dirty divorce, dirty fighting is the norm. People will lie, use others as pawns and even escalate situations in an attempt to dominate the process.

The jokes about dirty politicians are endless. And not just the ones currently in the running. When you value winning at all costs, the costs are often high. And when you get so caught up in your campaign, it’s easy to lose sight of the truth.

Blame Becomes the Hot Potato

Many dirty divorces become an alternating he-said, she-said where one allegation is countered with another and the blame is passed back and forth. I know. I played that game too. And the harsh truth I eventually had to accept was that by focusing on blaming him, I was also giving him the power to decide when and if I was going to move on.

Blame is a distraction. A misdirection.

And it’s no different in this election. The GOP blames Obama for its troubles. The democrats blame the republicans for poverty. They all blame each other for the increase in political tensions. Fault is assigned. Fingers are pointed.

And it keeps the attention away from the candidate-in-question.

Victimhood is Nurtured

I certainly felt victimized by my ex husband and by my divorce. And I could have easily stayed there. As a society, we have gone from empathizing for victims to enabling victims. We issue trigger warnings and excuse poor choices all in the name of trying to keep victims comfortable. We seek to penalize bullies while ignoring what we can do to empower their targets. And when we nurture victims, we cultivate victims. The victim of a dirty divorce can end up being trapped by their position, giving up responsibility along with any power of their own well-being.

Politicians like victims. Because victims need somebody to rescue them. And they are wanting to be selected as your knight (or knightess?) in shining armor. Victims are perceived as weak, needing guidance and protection. And just like some people are drawn to dating victims because it makes them feel needed, some politicians are pulled towards being the savior of the injured parties.

Promises Are Made (But Not Kept)

I felt relieved when I saw the ink on the decree. I was going to be reimbursed for some of my expenses. He would take on the house and I wouldn’t have to absorb a foreclosure. Apparently, he was only making those promises because he knew what the judge wanted to hear. Because as soon as court was adjourned, so were his promises.  Trust becomes as extinct as the dodo.

The politicians are well-versed in saying what we want to hear. They make promises that they have no intention of keeping, knowing that we have no real way to enforce their follow through once they have taken oath.

Throughout my divorce and its aftermath, I finally learned to take every promise with a saltshaker. I have the same position with this election. I’ll believe when I see it, and not a moment sooner.

There is Collateral Damage

And this is the unfortunate part. Every dirty divorce has collateral damage. Others, frequently children, caught in the crossfire. When the focus is on winning at any cost, that debt often falls to others to pay.

I’m feeling the same way watching this election, like a kid between bickering parents, pleading with to stop yelling and just talk. The politicians and the parties are pitting us against each other like children against a parent in court. And when that happens, everyone loses.

Okay, political rant over. I’m going to put my earplugs back in now, keep my head down until this is all over and cross my fingers that this country does a better job electing the next president than I did with selecting my first husband.

Oh, and if you know a way to scrub all political news from all my feeds, please let me know:)

 

Guest Post – Divorcing a Narcissist Is Tough

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m often grateful that I didn’t have children on my slog through the family courts. My experience was horrific, but at the end of the day, there were some battles I could elect not to find. At some point, I could choose to walk away. After all, it was simply money on the table.

But when you’re a parent and it’s your kids on that proverbial table? You can’t simply choose to lay down your sword and cut your losses. You have to fight. Even when your opponent fights dirty.

Here is Jen Adler’s story about her experience with a malignant divorce and an inept system:

Divorcing a Narcissist Is Tough

I read an article today – about divorcing a narcissist. It gave an accurate, if sterile account of what it is to divorce a narcissist. A friend sent me a link to the article. She’s read my blog about the after-effects of divorcing a narcissist but being bound by children of the marriage. She wanted to show me I’m not the only one who understands and acknowledges the issue. It’s mainstream now.

I know.

It didn’t leave me feeling validated. Or comforted. Or even grateful for the exposure to a problem that has gutted my life. It left me pissed off.

The article – detailing a book by Karyl McBride called Will I Ever Be Free of You – talks about a problem I know intimately well. The article uses phrases like,

It’s tough to divorce a narcissist.

Children are terribly harmed.

Family courts are playgrounds for narcissists.

All of which are true, but none of which anyone who has not divorced a narcissist can understand in any meaningful way. It’s like saying,

Cancer kills lots of people. It’s sad. In other news, the Reds beat the Pirates last night.

If you’re reading this right now, and YOU haven’t lived through a narcissist, then you can’t understand why I’m angry. Let me tell you what divorcing a narcissist really looks like.

The Family Picture Post Narc Divorce

My husband and I both divorced narcissists. We make nearly $200,000 a year in combined income yet live paycheck to paycheck. Before you ask, we have no credit card debt. We live in a small house we rent from my parents after losing our home to foreclosure in 2012. When divorcing a narcissist, sometimes one has to choose between having legal representation to defend one’s right to be a parent versus paying a mortgage. We pay $3000 a month in child support and lawyer fees.

We owe our lawyer over $100,000. We’ve paid her more than $60,000 already. This is all for POST-DECREE work. This is not what it cost to divorce our narcs.

We have no retirement accounts, no savings accounts, no safety net. Everything has been cashed out in order to continue fighting to protect our kids from their narc parents – and to protect our right to be involved in our children’s lives.

This is who we are. Financially at least. And I have to tell you, neither my husband nor I complain about our financial situation. We joyfully give up everything we have to protect our family. And if the money we dole out monthly, if the retirement accounts we’ve completely depleted, if ANY of the money we spend actually made a difference in the lives of our children or our right to be parents? Neither of us would complain. But the sad truth is, it makes no difference at all. Why?

Family Courts are Stupid

Family courts don’t protect families. Family courts protect parent’s rights. And they don’t even do that very well. Here are some fun facts about our experience in family court.

My husband was ordered to pay for private schools for his children, even though his ex-wife removed the children from private schools and enrolled them in a public school THAT DOESN’T CHARGE TUITION. Yes. You read that right. We’re paying tuition to his ex-wife for kids who go to public schools. And this was one of the better rulings we got from family court…

For the last six years, I have been trying to get therapeutic support for my son. His father argues there is nothing wrong with his son. He brings in teachers and neighbors and distant relatives to back him up. In fact, father posits the only reason I want therapy for my son is because I WANT there to be something wrong with him so I can get attention. In fighting for this, I lost custody of my son, lost the right to be involved in any medical appointments/decisions regarding my son. And yet, the court never once had my son evaluated by an outside psychologist. When I had him evaluated, the court threw out the testimony of the psychologist – because dad had not agreed to have him evaluated, and because the court did not order it.

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I was once found in contempt of court for removing my son from the daycare he attended prior to going to kindergarten. I received an email from his father stating the date his father would be taking him out of that same daycare. When I then emailed back indicating I would do the same, I was served with papers of contempt and found guilty of removing him from the daycare the court had ordered he attend. His father also removed him from the same daycare on the same day.

Don’t try to understand, it isn’t supposed to make sense.

I was found in contempt of court for moving (after losing our home to foreclosure) because a restraining order had been filed to stop me. The restraining order was served to me one week after we moved. I was found guilty.

Yeah, that’s awful, but what’s the other side of the story?

There’s no such thing as a happy divorce. There’s fighting and bitterness, name calling and ugliness in most every divorce. So how is one to know the difference between a “normal” divorce and one with a narcissist?

This is the basis upon which the general public, divorce attorneys, guardian ad-litems, parenting coordinators, magistrates, and judges use to justify their dismissal of anyone who tries to shine light upon the problems arising from divorcing narcissists. These are just normal parts of divorce.

I’m a mild mannered mother who has never spanked my children and relocate the bugs in my house because I can’t bring myself to kill them. But I will punch the next court representative who tells me

If the parents could just get along, then the child wouldn’t be having these problems.

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There is no other side of the story in divorcing a narcissist. That’s the point. It just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because,

  • No divorce should cost upwards of $160,000.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t require two people for a fight. One person can make it happen just fine, and narcissists LOVE to fight.
  • Looking at individual issues makes it seem as if the narc could actually be reasonable. After all, why can’t mom just agree for her son to go to school in his father’s school district? Why can’t mom just agree to allow dad to sign up the child for activities five days a week? Why can’t mother just agree for dad to have full custody so that there doesn’t have to be fighting between the two parties? Why can’t mom just not have access to school records so that school officials don’t have to feel uncomfortable dealing with two parents in a contentious divorce? Why can’t mom?????

This is why I’m mad

I’m not angry because all of this happened in my life. I don’t even resent the narcissist who still plagues us ten years after the divorce. I’m not angry we’ve lost our life savings, I’m not angry we live paycheck to paycheck, I’m not angry our narcs drive Audi’s and Hummers, belong to country clubs and live in $500,000+ homes. That’s the easy part of divorcing a narc. Know what’s hard?

Stupid. Family. Courts.

A narc behaves as a narc will behave. I hold no grudges against the mentally ill. However, family courts? If a problem makes the New York Times, I’d say that’s fairly mainstream. So why, after years and years and years of a problem that is coming to light, that fills up family court dockets, that debilitates families and children, WHY IS FAMILY COURT THE ONLY PLACE PRETENDING DIVORCING NARCS AREN’T A PROBLEM?

Forgive me this rant. This unnatural anger. I admit it’s good the problem warrants coverage in books and certainly in a publication like the New York Times. But lets not sugar coat things with phrases like, “divorcing a narc is tough”. Divorcing a narc is not tough, it is a blood sacrifice of one’s self and children to the mercy of a court system that wants to do what is easy and what fits into their “normal” divorce model. It drives families to bankruptcy and foreclosure. It leaves children with scars which will haunt them throughout their lives. It is a problem that no one wants to deal with and for which no one has a solution. 

More About the Author

Hi. I’m not Jen Adler, and this isn’t actually a picture of me. I am the writer of a blog written anonymously in an attempt to keep it out of the sites of the narcissist who stalks my life. I write about surviving a relationship with a narcissist so that people can understand the devastation wrought by those with this disease. I highlight the ways family courts empower narcissists to continue abusing their targets and their children. I write about it so people will understand and support the legal changes that badly need to happen in order to protect victims of narcissists.

Read more from not-Jen at Peace In – Chaos Out

I know this is a topic and a cause that many of us can relate with.

Putting It All Behind Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You know those times when you don’t realize you’re holding your breath until you finally get a deep lungful of air?

Well, apparently I haven’t been breathing for the past 6 years. Or actually for the past 6 years and 5 days, to be exact.

And I didn’t even realize it until today. Or more specifically, when I received the word that not only did I qualify for the car loan, I qualified for the lowest interest rate.

I can’t even begin to explain the relief that gives me.

Not only does a new (and hopefully more trustworthy car) give me freedom, the loan is a sign that I can finally put the financial betrayal behind me.

I’ve always said that the financial betrayal was the worst. It’s the one that refuses to disappear. That tails behind me as stubborn and persistent as a hungry toddler. Only much, much more nefarious.

I have been reminded of it every time I’ve had to make payments on debts he incurred (for things like HIS honeymoon). It’s been thrown in my face with letters and phone calls from collections, threatening me because of his lies. And it’s held me back as I’ve worked to improve my credit score.

It’s been a load of shame on my back for the past 6 years.

I’ve felt embarrassed every time my financial situation has to be exposed. I instinctively pull out my divorce decree, ready to defend myself against the stains still on my record. I’m not sure what’s worse – the feeling that others might think I was responsible for the debt or the knowledge that I was a chump, blindly ignorant to my ex’s machinations.

I’ve been uncomfortable with my car – easily the oldest in the parking lot at work and probably also the senior in my neighborhood – for a few years. I don’t like to let people into the vehicle, where the orange foam spilling out of the cracked seats will tickle their sides. I like to arrive to the location where I will meet a new person before them, so that I am not associated with the rapidly aging vehicle. Because even though I’m not one to give much credence to appearances, I know that others are judging me by my ride.

It’s been a flame of anger for the past 6 years.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he stole my money and my credit and escaped unharmed as far as I know. It’s not fair that all of the careful planning and saving that I did was wiped out for his impulsive and deceptive actions. It’s not fair that he was granted the newer and more valuable car (that was almost paid off) by the courts and I received the ten year old model.

I’m angry at myself. For believing what my ex told me and not looking for myself. For trusting that he cared as much about my financial well-being as he did his own. For being stupid and gullible and naive.

And I’m reminded of this anger every time I grow frustrated with my car or see his impact still imprinted on my credit. I’ve had to very intentional and generous with gratitude to counteract the scalding impact of his actions. And that’s not fair either.

It’s been a cloak of fear around my heart for the past 6 years.

In the beginning, I couldn’t even bear to see the extent of the damage. I narrowed my eyes when I looked at account balances, blurring the total as though that would somehow soften its effect. I had my dad examine my credit report after promising that he would not reveal the actual score to me. I was afraid to face the evidence that he had been whittling away at my well-being for years.

Every trip to the mailbox and every unknown number on my phone caused my pulse to rise as I braced for news of another account or threats on a known one. Even as parceled out paychecks to pay down the debt, I was petrified that another would surface and my careful accounting wouldn’t be enough to save me.

I finally faced my credit score for the first time since the life implosion two years ago. Ever since, I obsessively check Credit Karma every day. And I’ve watched the number rise as my identity is slowly replacing that of my ex on the accounts.

But I haven’t really trusted the number. It felt fake, somehow.

And so, when I nervously entered my information on the credit application for the car, I was sure that I would be declined. Or at least offered some sub par rate. And when the phone rang mere moments after I hit “submit,” I saw it as verification that my fears were founded.

“Everything looks good,” I heard faintly, as though it was coming through a tunnel.

It was only after I hung up that I realized I had collapsed onto the floor, relief buckling my knees beneath me.

Because it’s about way more than the money. Or the car.

I can finally feel like this is all behind me. Like I am no longer held back or limited by any of what happened.

And for the first time in 6 years and 5 days, I can finally breath freely.

Is Your Divorce Malignant? Here’s How to Survive

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was going through my divorce, others often felt the need to tell me about their own divorces. I heard stories of couples signing the paperwork and then going to have coffee. Some spoke of marriages that quietly faded and negotiations that barely sullied the mediator’s desk. I encountered women at the gym who whispered over sweaty shoulders, “Just wait until you get his money; it’ll all be worth it then,” as though a divorce was some get-rich-quick scheme I entered willingly. And all of this was years before the advent of “conscious uncoupling;” I think if I had caught wind of that phrase, I would have run off to some desert island where there are no lawyers.

If you’re facing a malignant divorce, see my eleven tips to help you survive on The Good Men Project.