Guest Post: How to End an Unhealthy Long-Distance Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No matter how hard you try, sometimes it’s best to end a long-distance relationship. Whether you’re dating the type of guy who will just never succeed in a long-distance relationship or you’ve started to notice the telltale signs that that it’s an unhealthy relationship — your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries around texting, there is a lot of digital monitoring, you feel pressure to send explicit photos, they make excuses for their hurtful behavior — it might be time to end your LDR.

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And no surprise, ending a long-distance relationship is a little more difficult than ending a close-distance relationship. Because you aren’t together all the time, it can sometimes be too easy to put off having the difficult conversation. But if you just keep waiting, your feelings might turn from unhappiness to frustration, anger and resentment. Don’t let your feelings fester. Here are four ways to end an unhealthy long-distance relationship.

 

Understand Your Feelings

Before you communicate with your long-distance partner, you need to really understand why it’s time to break up. When I need to process information, I always find it helpful to make lists. Grab a notebook, and jot down all of the reasons that you’re unhappy in the relationship. Make sure you communicate that distance isn’t the only problem. What is your partner doing that makes you want to break up with them?

 

If any of those things change, would you be willing to reconsider? Instead of breaking up, should you actually be having a conversation about how to resolve your frustrations? If you are certain that this is what you want to do, don’t back down.

 

Consider Breaking Up in Person

One of the red flags in a long-distance relationship is that you aren’t making an effort to see each other anymore, so this might not be possible. If you do have plans to see each other soon, it’s usually best to break up in person. However, don’t save the breakup for a vacation or a long trip. The honeymoon feelings are more likely to resurface if you’re on a beach in paradise, and you might lose your resolve to do what you know is right. Instead, consider having the conversation in a neutral space, such as a city park.

 

When you initiate the conversation, just get it over with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just say: “We need to talk. This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Be blunt while also being respectful. Then spell out the reasons why you’re ending the relationship. Keep your explanations simple, and try to avoid an argument. Remember, this isn’t a deal or suggestion. Stand firm in your intentions.

 

Once you’ve said your peace, let your partner speak theirs. This will probably be difficult emotionally for both of you. Once you both feel there is closure, part ways.

 

Schedule a Skype Call

If you can’t break up in person, don’t do it over text or email! Not only can this seem as cold and callous, but also it doesn’t allow either of you to freely express your emotions or get the closure you deserve. The next best thing is breaking up over video chat so they can read your body language. Tell your partner you need to talk, and schedule a time to touch base. “We need to talk” will probably tip them off that you’re going to have a serious conversation about the viability of your relationship.

 

Again, don’t belabor the point. Just get it over with: “I wish I could do this in person, but I need to say what I feel: This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Just like if you were able to do it in person, explain your reasons for ending the relationship, and give your partner time to process it. It might take a while, but it’s best to stay on the line as long as it takes for you both to reach closure. When there is nothing more to say, hang up.

 

Move On

Now, this is the one time distance might make things easier. You won’t be running into your ex at the grocery store or at a bar on a Friday night. However, even if it was an unhealthy relationship, you might still miss certain things about them or the way they made you feel (on a good day). But it’s important to set clear boundaries. You made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion, so don’t confuse your partner by contacting them or responding to them if they reach out to you.

 

It’s time to focus on you! Enjoy your newfound freedom. Hang out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile because you’ve been sitting in front of Skype every Saturday night. Find a new hobby. Attend local events. Get involved in your community. If you see the breakup as a chance to become a better person, it’ll be easier to move on.

 

Now, if one “your” songs comes on the radio or you watch a sappy movie that makes you miss being in love, don’t relapse! It can be hard, but you need to remind yourself why you broke up with him. In fact, I would consider keeping that list of reasons you make of why you wanted to break up. Anytime you have doubts, remind yourself why it was time to end your unhealthy LDR and recommit to yourself.

 

Ending any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship, is tough. But don’t hold onto something that’s not working. With this new space in your life, take some time for yourself. Reboot and renew. And who knows, when you least expect it, you might just find the right person for you.

 

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Jennifer Craig is a long­-distance relationship success story. She started SurviveLDR for women who want to survive and thrive in long-distance relationships. For more advice on how to make long-distance relationships work, follow her on Instagram, like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

 

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept the people need help at the beginning and end of life.

Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

But how do you get it? Finding the support you need can be challenging, especially when you’re likely facing time and money constraints. Here are 7 ways that you can find and create the support you need until you can stand on your own again.

10 Ironclad Rules for Living After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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While I was in life limbo post-divorce, I crafted 10 rules for myself to follow. These were rules born partly of pragmatism, partly of fear and anger and mostly of determination. The rules were written in the relative vacuum of the weeks following a divorce. Easy to craft. They’ve proven harder to follow.

So here they are, my 10 promises to myself. Maybe you’ll decide to make them too.

1 – Never Give in Expectation of Reward

I played by life’s rules. Played it safe. It was a barter of sorts – I’ll sacrifice now and you’ll spare me later. But life didn’t play by those rules. And I grew angry. I felt betrayed not only by my husband, but also by life. I did everything right, so why was I being punished? I promised myself to give up on the idea of sacrifice. To instead give or abstain when I wanted to with no expectation of any reward or pardon.

2 – Never Treat Life As a Waiting Room

I just need to get through this month and then I’ll relax.  Money is tight right now, but we just need to make it through until next year when business should pick up. I know I haven’t seen much of my friends lately. I’ll remedy that as soon as the summer starts. Yeah, I was a pro at justifying this delayed gratification. And the problem? Some of those expected events never did occur and more reasons to wait did. I promised myself to live every day, no matter what better days seemed to lie around the next corner.

3 – Never Be a Guest in Your Life

When you’re a guest, you try to occupy the smallest footprint possible. To not make waves. And that’s no way to live for long. It was shocking to me when I moved in with my friend and her family after my husband exited stage left – I realized I had been feeling more like a guest in my home (and marriage) of 10 years then I did with her. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be a guest in my life again; I was going to occupy my life fully.

4 – Never Let Fear Hold Your Head in the Sand

I’ve never been good at confronting my fears. I basically took the “mosters under the bed” theory way too far – as long as I didn’t look, they weren’t real. Right? 🙂 Not so much. I started by facing the easier fears – going downhill, sharing my emotions publically and leaving to-dos undone. Those proved scarier when avoided than confronted. Then came the harder ones – vulnerability and trust. Still scary. I promised myself that I woud face those things that made my heart race and trust that I can handle them.

 

Continue to read the rest.

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Guest Post: How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For many people, the most difficult part about divorce is the impact on the kids. And this starts on the day that you tell them about the divorce. Author L.J. Burke shares his story and surprising revelation about the day his kids were told about their parent’s divorce.

 How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

The toughest part of my divorce was telling the kids that their Mom and Dad weren’t going to be together anymore. I avoided and agonized over this inevitable conversation for weeks. You don’t want them finding out through friends or other family members. You owe it to them to break the news as soon as possible. Preferably the both of you will do this together with your happy faces on.

I don’t think there is a perfect way to tell your kids that you’re getting divorced. There are so many factors; age, maturity, any kind of special problems with physical or mental health. There is no easy way to do this. I believe honesty is the most important thing to keep in mind. Don’t give your kids any false sense of hope that you will not break up. There are way too many Disney movies where divorced couples wind up back together in some magical zany way. Shame on you Disney!

This is how it happened to me: It was a nice summer morning and my soon to be ex-wife woke me up after I was sleeping for about three hours. I worked nights and this was my nighttime. We corralled the kids into the kitchen and my ex started the conversation with, “Kids, we have to tell you something.” She stopped and looked at me for what felt like an eternity. “OK, I guess I will do the dirty work,” I thought to myself. Now I was wide-awake. “There’s no easy way to say this, kids, but your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Both kids smiled at me and told us that they already knew. They both said they heard my soon to be ex having conversations with her divorce lawyer. (Remember, kids are incredible in hearing when they want to.) I went on and told them that we would still be a family; only it will be different now. I wanted to stress how we both loved them, and nobody was going to get abandoned.

I asked if they had any questions and they both said no. They both got up from the table and went on with their regular routines. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. My stomach was still in a knot, and I felt horrible. My ex just continued to pace and really didn’t say all that much.

I realize that wasn’t the perfect way to break the news to my kids, but it could of went much worse.

If you really have no idea how to break the news to your kids, I would suggest you go to a family therapist. Also, it would probably be a good idea for the kids to see a therapist at this very confusing and often difficult time. Make sure you reassure your kids often that you both still love them very much and will do everything in your power to make this process as painless as possible.   Do this often through the divorce process. Protecting your kids is priority one!

About the author:

L.J. Burke is the author of his new book, “Divorced Dad: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.” Burke wrote this book looking back at his divorce with clarity, seeing what he did wrong and what he did right during this tough time.  It is his sincere hope that if you are contemplating, going through or have gone through a divorce, his book will help you through this very tough time. Burke is a Police Sergeant in a major metropolitan police department. The father of his two teenage boys, Burke recently remarried and is enjoying life with his new blended family.

 

How to Create a Divorce Care Package

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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So you just found out that your friend or family member is getting divorced. After the initial shock and disbelief fades and you’ve gathered and digested the salient facts, you’re left with a deep desire to help. To at least soothe the pain since you cannot make it all go away. And much like kids at their first sleep-away camp, teenagers during their first semester at college or soldiers on their first deployment, people in the early stages of divorce are homesick, lonely and often scared.

And a small collection of tailor-picked items can go a long way to making them feel loved and supported.

Here’s your cheat sheet for assembling a divorce care package that any newly single person would be grateful to receive:

Something to Comfort

One of the first purchases I made for myself was a super-soft extra-fuzzy blanket. I used to cocoon myself in it at night when I cried. It was essentially the adult equivalent of a teddy bear. Think about your loved one. Do they tend to seek out a certain food when upset? Or are they more tactile and would prefer something soft against the skin? Maybe they slip the headphones on and disappear into a world of music. Whatever their preferred modality, something that provides a portable on-demand hug goes a long way during divorce.

Something to Distract

Divorce has plenty of ongoing bad days. And sometimes you just want to forget about the lawyers and the negotiations and focus on another world for a time. If your friend is a reader, buy an engrossing (but not too complex – the brain isn’t functioning at peak capacity) fictional book. It’s even better if it’s the first of a series; that promises many days of distraction. Puzzles are a great tool to divert the mind and you can even play Words With Friends or Trivia Crack with them. If they are more of a watcher, buy a movie or a series for them. Even better, set up a recurring date with them to watch a favorite show.

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Something From the Past

Divorce is a time of identity crisis. You are no longer your married self and, as you try to figure out who you are now, it can be comforting to connect with the person you were prior to the marriage. If you knew the person during this period of their life, find something that will remind them of that more innocent time.

Something Indulgent

It feels good to be pampered. And when you’re going through the end of life as you know it, it feels even better. Spring for a massage. Or a pedicure. Take them to a restaurant known for its amazing service. It can be as simple as some bath salts and a candle or as involved as you want to make it. I used to save those little indulgences as treats after particularly difficult days. It helped me make it through just knowing that I had something to look forward to.

Something to Ease the Routine

Life can be overwhelming. And when you’re trying to learn to do the work of two by yourself (especially if you have kids), the pressure is immense. Gift a gift of ease. Offer to take their children to school or car in for servicing. Offer to help clean their house or wash their dog. When someone is in survival mode, the little things add up. So find something you can take off their plate.

Something to Do Together

These were my favorite care package items during my divorce. Some were elaborate and some extremely simple. In every case, the time together let me know that my friend was thinking of me and it gave me much needed laughter as well as time away from the reality. Go on a hike together. Go to a concert. Watch a game. Explore a nearby town. The “what” matters less than that you plan it, invite them and take care of any barriers in their way.

Something to Feel Attractive

In any divorce, there is a fear of getting back out there. Of dating again in your older and saggier form. And if there was infidelity, their confidence has taken an even bigger hit. Include something in the care package that makes them feel attractive. Desirable. They will probably not be ready for it at the beginning, but when they are ready, it sure is nice to have that little reminder handy.

Something to Inspire

I used to tease my mom about her ever-present inspirational quotes. And then I got divorced and suddenly I surrounded myself with them as well. You don’t have to limit yourself to quotes. Give them a postcard from a trip you took together or that they dream of going on. Include a plant that is just starting to grow or bud as a reminder that they will bloom again. It can even be more symbolic, taking the form of a rising phoenix or emerging butterfly. This is the gift of hope.

All of these gifts will be appreciated and treasured. But the gift that means the most can’t be put into a box or presented in a card. It’s the gift of an empathetic ear and a supportive hug. Be there and they will never forget.