Ten Lessons I am Still Learning

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Boston - Boston Common: Parkman Plaza - Learning
Boston - Boston Common: Parkman Plaza - Learning (Photo credit: wallyg)

One of the things I love most about my partner is that he sees himself as a perpetual student; he is always willing and eager to learn something new, even in an area where he is considered an expert.

Last year, we were out at dinner with a group of friends.  One of our friend’s 8 year son opened the conversation with my boyfriend.

“Do you have a black belt?” the boy asked eagerly.

“I do,” came the reply.

“Actually, he has several,” interjected the boy’s dad.

“Wow!  Does that mean you know everything?”

“Actually, a black belt means that you are ready to begin learning.”

I loved that response.  It serves as a reminder to me to always be open to learning more, especially in those areas where I already have knowledge.

In that spirit, here are ten lessons that I am still learning:

1) Life doesn’t just have two speeds – on and off.  It is not only possible to go slowly, but sometimes it is preferable.

2) It is okay not to be the first one at work; stuff still manages to get done even if I arrive after the custodians.

3) I’m working on learning to sleep past 6:00 am and considering the possibility of mastering the power nap.

4)  A messy kitchen does not mean a chaotic life.  It just means that people actually live in our house.

5) Sometimes it is okay for the play to come before the work.  (I got this one from my dog)

6) I am still working on going downhill on wheels (bikes, skates, etc.).  I just don’t  trust those things!

7) Stretching is worthwhile exercise even if is doesn’t work up a sweat.

8) It is okay to relax.

9) Money will be there; I don’t need to get too stressed about it.

10) Always take time to appreciate what you have and remember to express your gratitude.  Especially when the kitchen is messy.

Anger Deflation

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My biggest stumbling block was (and at times, continues to be) anger.  I could not get past the deliberate nature of what he had done.  Holding me, telling me how much he loved me and would miss me while his bride’s ring sat in his car, ready to be placed on her finger within the week.  The years of lies and manipulations that covered the hemorrhaging accounts.  And, worst of all, he went on the attack with the divorce, blaming me for everything.  How could I not be angry? Livid?

I spent much of the last two and half years wrestling with the “how.”  How could he do this?  How could he seek to destroy the one he claimed to love (and seemed to show love to up until the last text)?  How could he kiss me, be intimate with me, knowing that he was orchestrating this symphony of destruction?  Try as I might, I just couldn’t make those actions, those lies,  match the man I knew.

So, I thought of him as a boy.

I thought about what would cause a child to lie.  Children generally lie out of fear.  They want to please, and when they now they have disappointed, they seek to hide their actions by spinning tales.  Looking over the last few years of my marriage, I saw a path (relating to a failed business attempt) that could have led him down the path of telling lies to hide his shortcomings, to protect me from the truth.  As with a child, if these lies are not caught, they eventually become habit.

I thought about what would cause a child to lash out against loved ones.  Children often lash out when they feel trapped and threatened.  When  he lashed out, he had been caught.  The carefully crafted facade that he wanted the world to see had been stripped away, his deceptions, his failures bared for the world to see.  He saw me as threatening his core, his very self, so he lashed out in a desperate  attempt to shield.

I may be wrong in these motivations. Perhaps he is simply a sociopath,  immune to other’s  pain.  Maybe he is evil, enjoying the suffering of others.  But that doesn’t fit the man I knew, and so it does not bring me peace.  However, by looking at his actions as I would a child’s, I have found that I see him as scared, unsure, and lost.  That helps  to deflate some of the anger, releasing the pressure and allowing me to move forward.

The Mathematics of To-Do Lists

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Try as I might, I just can’t seem to figure out the mathematics behind to-do lists.  Sometimes the lists are brief, deceptively hiding the magnitude of the tasks that lie ahead.  At other times, the list can span for pages, yet contain not much more than a moment’s worth of work.  Sometimes  I look at a list that is all crossed off and I feel relief, a sense of accomplishment.  Yet that same page can leave me feeling drained.

This has been one of those weeks where I have felt overwhelmed.  It is a busy month at work, with many pressures from all sides.  My sleep has been fitful, most likely because my mind is spinning and my yoga practice has been somewhat neglected.  My instinct when I feel like this is to slow down, spend quiet time in solitude, and rest.

This is where the strange mathematics comes into play.  I have found when I feel like my lists are taking over, the best way for me to recover my balance is by adding something to my list.  Not just any task will do; the best combination is time with a friend in the outdoors.  Simply going for a walk, hike, or run with a companion helps to reset my brain, calm the anxiety impulse, and remind me that I am not the sum of my tasks.

By adding just one more thing, I effectively whittle my to-do list down to nothing.  The mathematics may not work out, but the effect on my well-being sure does.  The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend; I think I’ll make time for a hike.

The Power in Your Story

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Try shifting your mind: instead of thinking of your trauma as something that happened TO you,  try thinking of it as a part of your story.  When it is your story, you are the one in control.   You can revise, edit, even add or eliminate entire chapters if needed.  Here are some hints on how you can learn to embrace your story and use it to help yourself and others.

Are You (With) the Right Mate?

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This interesting article (Are You With the Right Mate?) from Psychology Today highlights some of our cultural assumptions about what partnerships are supposed to be.  Divorce is a wonderful opportunity to ponder these questions.  Take this time to get to know yourself, your needs, and your path to growth.  Take responsibility for your happiness before you look to another to fill the space left by your ex.  Take this time to be deliberate in your thoughts and actions.  This is a time for clarity.