Going “No Contact” – Strategies to Make it Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So you’ve decided that going no contact is the right decision for you. And now you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to make it work. Here are some suggestions –

 

Make Contact More Difficult

Delete their number from your phone and remove their email from your contacts. If you tend to reach out at a certain time of day, make an effort to be occupied or unavailable during that time. If evening are your downfall, shut down your phone and leave it out of reach. Do whatever you can to make contacting them a conscious and deliberate move, rather than one made out of reflex or habit.

 

Appoint an Accountability Buddy

Tell a trusted friend or family member about your intentions and ask them to help hold you accountable. If they are okay with it, ask if you can contact them whenever you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. Sometimes just letting someone know helps to keep you strong when you’re feeling weaker.

 

Deal With Your Social Media Accounts

Social media is wonderful when we want to stay in touch and informed but horrific when we’re trying to sever ties. Delete their profile, unfriend them or block them from all accounts. If you’re still finding that you look them up, consider disabling your account for a time until you’re feeling more able to resist the urge. Your peace of mind is more important that keeping up with the silly cat meme of the day.

 

Use Visual Reminders

I had a note on my computer for months. It simply said, “Don’t even think about it.” That note was a visual reminder of my intention posted right where I faced the greatest temptation. Consider changing your lock screen or your wallpaper to something that is a reminder about your decision. Consider the times and locations when you want to initiate contact and put a visual reminder in those places.

 

Remind Yourself Why You Made This Decision

We tend to reach out when we’re doubting our decision to end the relationship. So to counteract that doubt, craft a list of all the reasons that this was the right decision for you. Keep that list handy and refer to it whenever you’re considering making contact.

 

Find Something Else to Occupy Your Mind

If you’re busy and engaged, you won’t have the time or energy to consider making contact. This is a great time to throw yourself into a new project or to work towards a goal. My personal favorite? Do something with a finish line.

 

If You Have Children With Them…

There are times when no contact would be the best decision but the presence of children makes that an impossibility. In these cases, creating and maintaining boundaries is of the utmost importance. Decide how much and what kind of contact you must have for the sake of the children. Attempt to limit contact to those methods only. If your ex is manipulative or abusive, email may be your best option as it provides a record and is less intrusive than texting.

Be very clear that the only communication will be about the children. Refrain from responding to messages that intend to provoke an emotional response. If your ex refuses to follow your guidelines, consider mediation. Sometimes they listen better when the request comes from someone else.

And if it’s still awful? Start a countdown calendar until the day your youngest turns eighteen.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve been trying to go no contact but you keep going back. Here are some of the reasons you may be struggling to stay away –

You Wish You Could Be Friends

I get it. I still feel a little twinge of envy when I hear about people that are friends with an ex. But for some of us, that simply is not a possibility. It’s not easy to transition from a romantic partnership to friendship and it takes the full cooperation of both parties to make it happen. Simply maintaining contact will not force this outcome.

Also, be open to the possibility that no contact now may be what’s needed for a friendship to develop in the future. While you’re apart, you each have the ability to grow and evolve independently. And maybe that growth needs to occur before there is a possibility of friendship.

 

You’re Looking For Closure

Maybe there’s that one last conversation that you never got have. Or, perhaps you’re wanting to hear an explanation for their decisions that hurt you. Regardless, it feels unfinished. Like a door not fully sealed against the cold.

Here’s the brutal truth that I finally realized – closure can never come from another person. No matter how honest and vulnerable they’re willing to be (and that’s generally not likely), you are never going to hear the words that will take your pain away. Closure doesn’t come from an outside source; it comes from within you.

 

You Are Focusing Only on the Good

You loved them. Obviously, you saw some good qualities there.

You stayed with them. I have to assume that there were some good times.

When we enter into a relationship, we tend to only see the good in our partner. In order to leave, sometimes it helps to also see the bad. 

After all, they are an ex for a reason. Remember that.

 

You’re Making Excuses

Do you find that you say any of the following? – “I just had to send them one more message.” “I needed to look at their Instagram to make sure they were okay after the storm.” “I didn’t initiate the text; I was only responding to their message. After all, it’s rude not to respond.”

We’re good at coming up with reasons to justify what we want to do. As long as you’re making excuses, you’ll keep struggling.

 

You’re Experiencing Loneliness

The loneliness after divorce or a breakup can be crippling. And it is so tempting to go right back that person that is known, that is comfortable. But loneliness is no reason to maintain a relationship. You want to be with somebody that you want to be with. Not just because you don’t want to be alone.

It can be scary to embrace being alone. There are no distractions. You’re forced to face your own fears. Your own stories. It’s not easy work, but it’s probably the most important work you’ll ever do.

 

You Are Wanting Things to Be Different

I wish it could be different too. It would be amazing if we all could find ourselves, find love and live happily ever after. But that’s not reality.

You reach out with the hope that maybe they have changed. Maybe you even believe words spoken to this effect. You get your hopes up.

Only to have them shattered again.

Sometimes, relationships go through a rough patch and can be saved through mutual effort and determination.

And sometimes, hoping for things to improve is simply wishful thinking.

It’s important to recognize the difference. If things aren’t changing, don’t expect them to change. After all, we all know the saying about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Understanding No Contact

Going “No Contact” – What Are the Benefits?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you debating if “no contact” is the best decision for you after a divorce or a breakup? This strategy has benefits for many people. Here are some of the common advantages:

 

It Helps You Establish and Maintain Your Personal Power

For all of us, the lines between “me” and “we” can become blurred in a relationship of any significant intensity or duration. When a no contact policy has been adopted, it gives you the space and time to again figure out who you are separate from them.

It’s easy to begin to internalize the words that others speak about us. We begin to see ourselves as they see us. And as long as there is contact, these words will continue to echo in our thoughts. And the only way to handle a possession is with an exorcism.

 

No Contact Encourages Healthy Boundaries

For many people, setting and maintaining boundaries is difficult. You may state where the line is, but when challenged, you oblige, moving it back just a little bit. And then, you slide it just a little more. Before you know it, the boundary has been completely ignored. As a result, you feel under-appreciated and overlooked.

If you’re one of those who always puts other’s needs ahead of your own, no contact is a gift to yourself. It gives you permission to no longer worry about your ex’s well-being. This is a time when you can learn how to secure your own oxygen mask first and to ask for – and accept – what you need.

 

Your Focus Can Shift to Healing Yourself

When you have contact with your ex, it’s easy to focus on your ex – Are they happy? Are they dating? Do they miss me? Have they let themselves go or are they in the process of reinvention?

Especially if your ex struggles with addiction, mental health issues or other problems, it’s common to be worried about – and even consumed by – their state. And in many cases, an unhealthy ex will encourage this focus on their problems.

When you fully remove them from your life, you take away the excuse that you need to look after them. Which means that you can shift your attention to healing yourself, learning from this relationship and eventually putting those lessons to good use in another relationship.

 

Distance Helps to Provide Perspective and Clarity

Relationships are like the ocean – when you’re in it, you can feel it, but you can’t really see the whole of it. When you cut off contact and create some distance from your ex and the relationship, you allow yourself to begin to see the entirety of the situation more clearly.

Even occasional contact can act as a filter, a lens that blurs your view and makes it harder to see the relationship with more detachment and rationality. If you want to be able to fully understand and process where things went wrong, you first need to be able to see without undo emotion.

 

Space is Opened Up For New Possibilities

As long as your ex is taking up space in your life, that spot is occupied and nobody else can come in. When you remove them, you are making space for new possibilities.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

 

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

Marking the Occasion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been quite the month for marking significant events.

Marking the End

My stepfather’s mother passed away last spring and her memorial was earlier this month. It was a sad death, as loss always is, but not a tragic one. She lived a long and meaningful life and this gathering was a wonderful time to both celebrate her memory and to create connections among those who knew her.

It was a beautiful service, anchored by a slideshow that told the story of her long life and of her legacy. Carefully curated songs spoke both of her passion for the arts and of her love of beauty. It was again confirmed that I am physically incapable of hearing Amazing Grace without tearing up.

Young children were present at the memorial, a poignant reminder that life goes on. That endings are always followed by beginnings. And, as stories and pictures were passed down to the younger generations,  that the past leaves an imprint going forward.

 

Marking the Transition

Over a decade ago, my husband met a young kid in the dojo. He was first a karate student who then took up jiu jitsu as soon as he was deemed old enough. This boy grew up in the dojo, eventually becoming a young man who earned the respect of his elders both on and off the mat.

He leaves today for adulthood, trading in his childhood home for an immersive language program overseas. We gathered last weekend – his biological family and his martial arts one – to celebrate his accomplishments and to say goodbye for now.

His parents were proud of their son, who is an amazing kid. They were excited about reclaiming their space, as it’s not easy to live with a young adult who is busting at the seams. And they were sad, feeling the loss of the presence of their only child as he begins his independent life. It was a reminder that all changes have both blessings and struggles and that transition, even when it’s expected and positive, can be hard.

 

Marking a Milestone

This month also marks my fifth wedding anniversary. This one feels especially significant to me. First, it’s now half the length of my first marriage. That somehow holds weight to me. It’s no longer “new.” It’s solid and real.

It’s also been our best year together. We’ve really worked hard at learning and growing and having the difficult conversations. I feel like we’ve navigated some rocky roads and grown closer and more understanding through the process.

In my first marriage, we never marked anniversaries. In this marriage, we do. This weekend, we will again spend a night – for the fourth time – in a swanky hotel downtown. A shared evening without distractions to celebrate us. It’s a reminder that relationships are important and need both attention and intention to thrive.

 

I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.