Five Vows to Make With Yourself After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I received the unexpected text that ended my marriage, I collapsed along with my entire world. In those moments, I had no answers, no solutions and little hope.

I felt gutted, a dry husk discarded after the honeyed insides have been consumed. And then, while my body still remained a quivering mass upon the floor, I felt an unexpected fire begin to burn deep within. In that moment, I made the rough drafts of the following five promises to myself.

It took months for these vows to fully develop and years for them to be fulfilled. Yet all along, these five covenants with myself became the guiding principles towards a new – and happy – life after divorce.

I refuse to let my ex take my future.

At first, I was completely focused on what I had lost. I felt like sixteen years of my life had been stolen while my back was turned. I became obsessed with figuring out the “whys” and the “hows,” spending more time in my head than in my life.

I spent months looking for an apology, an acceptance of responsibility or at least some evidence of karma paying a visit. Yet I was continually disappointed. I made deals with myself, “I’ll let this go after he …” Yet he never did.

I blamed him, not only for what he had done, but also for what was continuing to happen. Resentment filled me as I continued to wear the guise of a victim. After all, I wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for his actions.

And then, it slowly began to dawn on me that I was the one who was allowing myself to continue to have my expectations dashed. I was the one who was more focused on what was lost than on what remained. I was the one willingly handing control over my life and my happiness to this person who didn’t exactly have a great track record of looking after me.

I couldn’t alter the past. I had no control over his actions (or inactions). But I could put my foot down. I could draw a line in the sand. I could refuse to allow him (or my feelings about him) to steer my future.

He had taken enough. I wasn’t going to allow him to take any more.

 

I will not allow this experience to define me.

I remember the first time I had to check the “divorced” box on an informational form. I felt a sudden, and surprising, flush of shame rise through my body. “How did I end up here?” I wondered. “What’s wrong with me?” I questioned, feeling like a failure.

For much of that first year, I was my divorce. It was the first things friends asked me about and the first thing on my mind every morning. It stained every area of my life, a scarlet towel thrown into a load of white laundry. I contributed to this attention through my need to obsessively talk about the situation with anybody and everybody. I needed to vent, to process, and wasn’t yet able to control the verbal emissions.

I became curious about dating, but was also hesitant that I would perpetually be viewed as damaged goods. After all, if one man deemed me as disposable, why would another view me any differently? When one man at the gym, with whom I had only exchanged the requisite exercise-related small talk, expressed his interest, I was stunned. It was the first inkling I had of a future that wasn’t stipulated by divorce.

I may have been divorced, but I was more than just my marital status. That experience and designation would always be a part of my story, but I didn’t have to allow it to define my entire life.

 

I refuse to allow one person to determine my worth.

In communications with his attorney, his other wife (yes, he followed the leaving-via-text with bigamy) and my mother, my ex made some outrageous – and outrageously awful – claims about me. When I first heard these assertions, I was horrified. And also terrified. After all, what if they were true?

After so many years with my ex-husband, I had learned to value – and even absorb – his opinion. He expressed his hatred of mums every fall when the flowers began to dominate the displays and I soon decided that I didn’t like them either. He conveyed full confidence in his ability to build his own design company and I allowed my faith to follow.

And so when he decided that I was a terrible, no-good, very bad person, I went along with it. Until eventually I realized that, if my ex was simply a stranger that I had a brief encounter with, I would not respect or value his opinions based upon his decisions and demeanor. So why should I listen to his views at all?

I made the decision to allow the preponderance of evidence to reflect my character, rather than the perspective of a single – and deeply flawed – person.

 

 

I haven’t come this far to only come this far. 

This vow was my carrot when I was feeling hopeless and my stick whenever motivation waned. When I started to feel like it was all-too-much and I simply couldn’t take another step, I would take a moment to assess the progress that I had made thus far.

I may not have been able to sleep through the night unaided by medication, but at least I was no longer as plagued by nightmares. I may not have been able to think about my financial future without an emotional reaction, but at least I could find comfort in the fact that I was granted Innocent Spouse Relief by the IRS.

As I reflected on these baby steps and the enormous effort required to make them, I became determined to not call it quits only partway up the mountain.

 

 

I will find a way to see the good in this situation.

This was the only one of those rough-draft vows that I verbally expressed when I was lying prone on the floor. And it was also the hardest promise to myself to keep as the bad news continually threated to overwhelm and drown out any attempts at gratitude.

At first, like with many things, I placed the burden of an agreeable outcome on external factors. I would feel vindicated if the courts came through and justice as I saw it was served. I could be happy if someone would swoop in and rescue me from this mess. I was hopeful that I would be free if I somehow found financial success through the situation.

Yet, as is always the case when relaying on outside circumstances to provide satisfaction, I was disappointed. And so I began to look inward for the gifts hidden beneath the tragedy. I started to list the positive outcomes that only occurred because of the divorce: I found who my true friends were and discovered just how amazing they were, I felt a sense of peace and power after surviving the worst that could happen, and I was given an opportunity to learn from this experience and to share my lessons with others.

Marriage begins with your vow to another.

When marriage ends, it is a time for promises to be made with yourself –

I vow to live the life I have, not the life I lost.

I vow to allow my character to shine despite my experiences.

I vow to see the value I provide to others and demonstrate kindness towards myself.

I vow to recognize my accomplishments and also demonstrate perseverance in the face of adversity.

I vow to always strive to the see the sun behind the clouds and to express gratitude for every gift.

The Five Kinds of People You Need in Your Life During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is an all-hands-on-deck proposition. These are the five types of people you need to make sure you have in your life during divorce:

The Never-Married

Strangely enough, you may find that your single friends are the best equipped to sit with you through the even the most brutal emotions. That’s because your divorce can ignite fear in your married friends, as they grapple with (or seek to avoid) the possibility that it could happen to them and it may trigger old and painful memories in your divorced friends. On the other hand, an empathic single friend may be able to hear your greatest sorrows and greatest fears because it doesn’t hit too close to home.

Additionally, your single companions are excellent models of independence. On those days when you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to be able to do it all without your partner, look to these friends for inspiration and advice. They can help you find the joy and the freedom inherent in being single and help you distinguish between being alone and being lonely.

Your friends that are not married may be more available for you and may have more flexible schedules. They can be your activity partners and your on-call support system. You can hang out with them on those days when you simply can’t bear to see another happy couple.

On the other hand, those that have never been married may be dismissive about the enormous impact your divorce has on you. They’ve never been there and so they may struggle to “get it.” This does not necessarily indicate that they don’t care; it just means that they cannot fully understand.

The Divorced

These are the friends that get it. They’ve been there and they understand the magnitude of what you’re going through. They will nod in understanding when you talk about the endless hours of the nights or the heart-breaking feeling of seeing your daughter’s tears upon learning the news.

Your divorced friends can offer you concrete advice and ideas about how to navigate this transition. You may be offered everything from a good attorney’s name to suggestions about how to remove your ex’s name from your insurance. These friends become your informal mentors as you learn from their steps and missteps.

Perhaps the most important gift that your divorced friends have to offer is one of hope. Maybe you witnessed their breakdown after the breakup of their own marriage and now you see them thriving years later. Whether they’ve found a new partner or decided to remain single, they are the living, breathing proof that there is life after divorce.

Conversely, you may find that you have some divorced friends that are still angry, still bitter. When they learn of your impending divorce, they may delight at finding someone else who can share in this acrimonious bath. Be wary of this energy; it’s not only toxic, it’s contagious.

The Married

Whereas the divorced friends may make you feel like giving up on love, your married friends remind you that it’s still possible. The best of these friends let their vulnerability peek through, sharing with you their own trials and fears within their marriage as well as revealing the love they still have for their spouse. Unlike the “Facebook perfect” couple, seeing the real and imperfect people within the real and imperfect marriage helps you come to terms with the fact that every marriage faces hard times and that it’s possible for love to still prevail.

By watching your married friends as you start to analyze the end of your marriage, you may begin to realize how your relationship went off the rails. Watching others interact can help you learn what you want and who you want to be in your next relationship.

If your friend’s marriage isn’t so good, it can serve as a reminder that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the aisle. In fact, it may even bring a sense of relief that you’re no longer in a similar situation.

No matter how wonderful your married friends are, they can be painful to be around, as they serve as a reminder as what you no longer have. Sometimes, often unintentionally, they may say or do something that promotes a sense of guilt, shame or failure in you because your marriage ended and theirs has not.

The Young

Your married friends can sometimes be judgmental about your relationship status. Children never are. With their limited experiences and smaller worldview, they simply accept you as you are without regard to what’s happening behind the scenes.

The curiosity and exuberance of children is catching. When you spend time with them, you begin to see the world through their eyes, full of wonder and possibility. They encourage openness and playfulness, both traits often lacking during divorce.

However, too much time around the young during times of difficulty can amplify your feelings of despair as you contrast their naïve innocence with the brutal reality of what you’re experiencing.

The Old

The elderly can bring the duel gifts of perspective and wisdom during life’s trials. They have lived long enough to experience many cycles of growth and contraction. They have seen how tragedies can often become the birthplace of greatness. They can share stories of loves found and lost and found again. And they can share their own struggles and speak to the overcoming of it.

The words passed down from those who have lived through it all are a reminder that this is merely one chapter of your life and that there is hope for you still.

 

6 Unique Ways to Use Journaling For Divorce Recovery

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recovery

The need for me was primal.

My mind was overfull of questioning and virulent thoughts. At first, I tried to hold them in, but their toxic and tenacious nature burned further holes into my heart. They weren’t meant for public consumption, yet I knew I had to find some way to purge them from my  mind and from my body.

The first journal entry was ugly. The hateful and hurting words screamed so loudly through the pen that they pierced several pages and imprinted through a dozen more. The pages were further marred by the endless tears that smeared the ink as soon as it was laid down. The resulting effect was as brutish and incomprehensible as the end of my marriage.

Finally spent, I allowed the pen to drop to the floor as I reassumed the familiar fetal position in the corner of my bed. In some ways, I felt a little better. It reminded me of the hole drilled into my childhood fingernail, crushed by a falling piece of lumber, to allow the pressure from the trapped fluid to release.

But much like that passage through the nail was only one part of the healing process, simply unleashing the ugly thoughts onto the paper was only part of the divorce recovery exercise.

If I was going to make it through, I was going to have to try something different.

Here are six unique and innovative ways that you can use journaling as part of your divorce recovery process.

I promise none of them require the use of a drill:)

1) The Three-Part Journal

For this journal, begin by locating a three-part spiral notebook or create a file on your technology that has three distinct sections. You can write as often as you like for as long as you like. There is only one guideline – whenever you write, start in the first section and finish in the third.

The first section is all about the past. This is where you purge the pain, letting it all out on the page without censorship or judgment. Don’t think too much about what you’re writing, simply let it flow.

The middle portion is about the present. Use this space to explore the issues that are currently troubling you. Unlike the first section, which is all emotion, this is a time to try to bring some rational thought and problem solving into the practice. This portion easily lends itself to lists and bullet points. Along with breaking down issues, you can also use this area to express gratitude for what you are currently thankful for in your life.

The final subdivision is about the future, your hopes, and dreams. This part is driven by statements that begin with, “I want…” or, “I wish…” Don’t worry if they are not yet feasible or even practical; this is simply about starting to think about what you want. You can also use this space to collect images and quotes that resonate with you.

By moving through these sections in order, you are helping to train your brain how to process the negative emotions. Furthermore, ending on a hopeful note keeps the journaling process from becoming one big sob session and helps to prime the brain towards optimism.

2) The Revise and Edit Journal

This journaling strategy is especially effective if you’re stuck in a negative personal narrative, as it helps you to more carefully choose words and supportive statements to express what you want. Additionally, by rereading your words, you help to remove some of the power that they hold over you.

In this type of journal, you begin by simply writing anywhere from a few sentences to a few pages. It can be a free-writing exercise, from whatever is on your mind, or it can be in response to a writing prompt. The initial writing should be more instinctual, without concern for word choice or clarity.

Then, read what you have written, paying special attention to how certain words or phrases make you feel. Revise the sentences to make them less emotional and/or more empowering. For example, the sentence, “I’m so depressed” can be instead written as, “I’m feeling sad right now.” They have a very similar meaning, but the latter feels less heavy and less permanent.

You can also rewrite your sentences to take them out of the first person and into the third person, replacing every “I” with either the appropriate pronouns or your name. It doesn’t change the circumstances, but it can help you find a little more space within the pain.

3) The 60-Second Journal

This journal option is great if you feel like you would benefit from the practice, but you just can’t seem to make yourself do it. The low barrier-to-entry makes this a perfect choice if your motivation or energy is low.

The key to this journal is consistency. You have to commit to writing every day. But only for sixty seconds. Decide on a time and place that you will associate with writing. Set reminders. And then just write for one minute. When the sixty seconds are over, you can stop or you can elect to continue.

Some days you will likely struggle to complete the minimum. Other days, the words may continue to flow. Regardless, you are establishing a habit and giving thoughts an opportunity to be explored.

4) The Fiction From Fact Journal

Are you feeling stuck? If so, this strategy may be a good fit for you. Begin by jotting down a few facts about your current situation. Mine could have been, “Abandoned. Betrayed. Family court sucks. Scared about money.”

Then, get creative. Pretend that this is an assignment in a writing class and you’ve been tasked with creating a story out of these facts. Begin by deciding on a genre. Do you want to spin this into a comedy? Or maybe embrace the drama and go for a soap opera?

Deciding on the conflict in the story will probably be the easy part. Now, think about the resolution. Does your ex-husband get hit by a chicken truck and now has feathers permanently embedded in his skin? Or maybe the ex-wife entered Survivor and the producers forgot to remove her from the remote island. At the same time, maybe you invent some nifty gadget that reduces commute times and retire rich and early.

This journal can help you be silly and find the humor in your current situation. It’s also a reminder that you never know what is coming up in the next chapter.

5) The Gratitude Journal

This is the most straightforward and probably best known of the strategies, yet it can also be one of the more difficult to implement during divorce. Because, let’s face it, it’s hard to find things to be thankful about when you’re in the middle of divorce.

The premise here is simple – write what you are thankful for and only what you are thankful for. To be most effective, make at least one entry every day, no matter how small and inconsequential. You slept through the night? Awesome! You found an extra bag of coffee in the pantry after you thought you had run out? Time to celebrate!

There are several gratitude journal apps available. This is a great option because you not only have the reminder to write, but you also have an easy-to-access register of all that is beautiful in your life.

6) The Letter Writing Journal

The strategies here are perhaps the most difficult to implement, both because of the needed suspension of disbelief and the intense emotions that can arise. However, the effects can be extremely powerful, especially if you feel as though you have not been able to find closure or understanding with your former spouse.

In this journal, every entry takes the form of a letter (or email), left unsent. Write to your ex, expressing your pain and disappointment and anger. Write to your children, sharing your fears and your dreams. Write to your younger self, giving advice and motivation.

And then turn the tables. Write the letter you want to receive from your ex. Think about what sentiments would bring you some peace and then pen them yourself. I know, it sounds strange and forced and awkward. But go with it. The power in this letter lies more in the reading of it than in its creation. Sometimes simply receiving the message we need is more important than worrying about where the message comes from.

No matter the form your journaling takes, the act of putting pen to paper gives a sense of power and potential in your life. It’s your story; you can choose to write your happy ending.

And if you’re still unsure about journaling, here are twelve reasons that it’s awesome post-divorce.

And…here’s a peek into my post-divorce journal. It’s raw. And it’s real.

Five Vows to Make With Yourself After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce affects us all differently. Some come out of the courthouse immediately feeling lighter, while others carry the heavy weight of sadness for many years. Some look forward to a new beginning; others grow fearful or hopeless about their imagined futures. Some cry. Some scream. Some grow bitter. And some grow more determined.

Yet no matter your personal circumstances or your individual response to divorce, this is an opening. An opportunity. A chance for you to take stock of your life, realign yourself with your values and purpose and make a commitment.

Not to another.

But to yourself.

These are the five promises I made to myself after divorce (I think #5 was the hardest and also the most important).

Have you made vows with yourself after your divorce? If not, maybe it’s time. After all, the promises we make to ourselves are perhaps the most important ones of all.

After Divorce: Is This Your New Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In response to my video, The Three Things I Hated to Hear During Divorce, one reader shared her pet-peeve phrase about adjusting to life after a break up – “It’s your new normal.”

And even though that phrase didn’t make my hair stand on end, I could understand her ire. After all, nothing about life after the apocalypse of an unwanted divorce feels normal. And the last thing you want to do is to accept it as such.

 

New: not existing before; unfamiliar

Normal: typical, expected

 

Which makes a “new normal” a bit of an oxymoron.

 

Because of the particularly large blast radius of divorce, there is little left untouched. Not only are you dealing with the end of a relationship with your spouse, you are also navigating major changes with your children, your family, your friends and even the dry cleaner. Your living arrangements have been altered and you may even find yourself without a home to call your own. Items which once were sentimental or at least innocuous have become landmines of emotion, ready to detonate at a moment’s notice. Your emotions feel more out of control than they did during your teenage years; you never know when you’re going to be struck down by tears or irradiated with red-hot rage. This, alongside the sleep difficulties, means that tasks that once seemed simple now feel overwhelming and impossible.

On the surface, things may look normal. You manage to maintain your appearance, only the changes in your weight and the dark circles residing under your eyes belying the hidden pain. You go through the motions of life, taking the kids to school, clocking in at the office, even managing to fill your grocery cart with appropriate food items. Yet even though much of it is the same, it feels as though it has been rotated 90° from normal, like some dystopian world that only bears passing resemblance to our own. It’s an alien world and one which you received no training in how to navigate.

As you stumble through, your brain releases a steady drumbeat of protest –

“This isn’t fair.”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“This isn’t what I planned.”

“How could they do this to me/us?”

“Will I ever be okay again?”

And perhaps the scariest one of all…

“Is this it? Is THIS my new normal?”

 

Well, yes.

And no.

Some of the post-divorce changes may indeed be permanent. Your relationship with your ex-spouse will never return to the way it was. Likewise with your in-laws and with certain friends or friend groups. Your parenting role will be different and you will have to help your children negotiate life with divorced parents. Your financial well-being may be diminished for a time or even forever. And no matter what the future holds, this experience will always be a major chapter in your life story.

Yet these changes, even the difficult ones, will no longer be so foreign, so unfamiliar. Much like how you learn to navigate a darkened space once you’ve spent time in a home, you will no longer see this life as strange and foreboding. It just is.

The new has become the normal.

 

But that’s not the whole story.

You’ve adapted, become accustomed. You’ve accepted those things you cannot alter.

Now it’s time to modify what you can in order to create what you want.

Consider that darkened room. At first, it was a new space and all you could do was stumble through until you finally became adept at navigating through the furniture. There are some things about that room that are fixed, unchangeable. But within those walls, you have endless freedom to shape a space you love.

And at first, that will feel strange. You will stumble. Maybe even trip and fall. And then, over time, that will become your new normal. And a better one that you found yourself before.

 

New normal doesn’t mean that change cannot occur. It is not a place of settling or giving up. And it’s now a place you have to stay forever. New normal is a baseline, a platform where you can acclimate and adjust.

So, yes. Maybe this is your new normal. And maybe that’s okay.

Take some time and get used to the space.

And then think about how you can make it better.

 

The concept of a “new normal” can have a dark side. Learn more about that here.