You and Me Against the World

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex and I had a sense that it was the two of us against the world.

There were several factors that contributed to that mindset: We were teenagers when we started dating and teenagers think everyone is against them. We grew up on opposite sides of town and so from the beginning, our social circles never had too much overlap. We both experienced the death of several friends and mentors towards the end of high school and shortly after, leaving us to lean heavily upon the other. And then, perhaps sealing the deal, we moved halfway across the country to follow his job opportunities, leaving friends and family behind.

After settling in Atlanta, we found new friends. There were singles and couples that we would regularly socialize with. We found families that would “adopt” us for holidays.

But we never found community.

We never had an interconnected group of people to which we both belonged in equal measure.

And to be honest, I didn’t really notice at the time. As an introvert, I tend to prefer to socialize one-on-one or in smaller groups. I frequently would go to Friday “meetings” after work with the other teachers and my husband would often join for at least part of the time. His boss’ family took us in for celebrations and holidays and we blended in with their adult children and grandchildren. Or so I thought before painfully learning otherwise after the abandonment.

But even with this connection, we still ultimately only relied on each other. Opened up to each other.

It was still us vs. the world.

And then he left.

And I realized that I didn’t have to prepare for battle with the world.

I could let it in.

And now in my new marriage, it’s my husband and me in our world.

A Unique Way to Share Your Story and Contribute to the Collective Wisdom

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve written before about the benefits of writing letters to your ex-spouse. (6 Letters to Write After Divorce)

Well now those letters can have a greater purpose. Vicki Shemin, J.D., LICSW, ACSW, of the Boston Law Collaborative, a divorce attorney and therapist, is working on a project that combines personal narratives about divorce in the form of letters to the ex along with research about the process and impact of divorce. If you’re interested in participating, or just want more information, you can find what you need here.

I hope some of you will choose to join in the project. The more we share our own experiences, the more we can understand and improve the impact of divorce.

5 Ways to Soothe Your Irritated Senses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s inevitable that we will become irritated at times with the people we spend the most time with. It happens in romantic relationships, within families and even at work (you should see the irritation that occurs in a classroom with kids that have been cooped up together for too long!). Close proximity over extended time leads to friction, and friction often leads to abrasion. Small tics and habits that once seemed innocuous wear thin on the temper’s hide over time, scratching away until an open sore is revealed.

It’s easy to snap as the offending stimulation continues, lashing out at the other as your patience wears away. It happens to all of us at times; we bite out tongues as long as we can until eventually, our tongues bite back, often escalating a one-sided irritation into an all-out confrontation.

But what if it was possible for you to sooth your own irritation before your temper flares? What if you could be conscious of and change your thoughts in such a way that the irritant no longer rubbed you raw? What if you could take charge of your responses and, in turn, avoid irritation and its escalations?

You can.

It starts with acceptance. See and acknowledge the entirety of the person that bothering you, their gifts and their burdens. And so often those are two sides of the same traits. For example, if you need something done by a deadline, I’m your woman. My sense of responsibility and propensity towards anxiety means that I’ll take care of it. But have me as a passenger in your car when we’re running late for some appointment? Yeah, those same traits are going to drive you crazy. And, as is so often the case with someone’s struggles, I know that it drives people crazy (it does for me too), but it’s not something I can completely hide either.

Make a rule for yourself that you’re not allowed to be irritated if somebody does something or neglects to do something else if you haven’t asked first. It’s not fair to get upset because someone has yet to perfect the art of mind reading. Begin by assessing the reasonableness of your request. If my sneezing bothers you and you inform me that its like nails on a chalkboard whenever my sinuses blow, I’ll sympathize but there’s not much I can do. If, however, you hate it when I neglect to put the seat back after driving your car, please let me know and I’ll make sure I slide it back.

Muffle the irritations with gratitude and a smile. I find this to be so incredibly helpful with those minor household irritations. For example, if I have to start my Sunday cook-a-thon by clearing Brock’s clutter off the counter, I can feel those prickles of irritation starting to speak. As soon as I sense their presence, I respond by very actively and intentionally recalling recent good deeds and words he has bestowed upon me and our home. The mess pales in comparison to his selfless trek into the cold to make sure I had wood for a fire, his sweet note still resting by the coffee pot and the new retaining wall he organized and paid for that ensure that our driveway won’t wash away with the next deluge. I then clean up the clutter with a smile. The other benefit of this method is that it clues you in to issues that are more serious than minor irritations. The the gratitude doesn’t silence your ire, something needs to be addressed.

We don’t live in a vacuum. Consider the surroundings and the circumstances when you find yourself getting annoyed. If you’re sick, or stressed or overwhelmed, you are going to be more prone to irritation. That’s not the other person’s fault; don’t lay it at their feet. You are the responsible for managing your own stress levels and obligations. And if you’re sick, maybe staying in bed helps others as well as you:)

And if all else fails, take a break. It’s amazing how quickly an abrasion heals once the friction has stopped.

Hope is a Passive Verb

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hope

I experienced a moment of synchronicity this past weekend – just as I was typing, “I hope the Ravens win,” a Tweet showed up on my feed about the limitations of the word “hope.” Patrick Brady (@MrMindMiracle) compares “hope” to the word “try,” pointing out the inherent weakness implied by both.

The thought made me pause. I rolled the idea around in my mind for the next few plays (where, I might add, my hope of the Ravens doing well was coming to fruition). “Hope” is a word I frequently use, both in my words and my writing. There are times when hope can be dangerous (as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing) and there are times when hope is essential (such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair).

And it’s true, that much like “try,” “hope” is passive. It paints a picture of wishing on a thing and then sitting back waiting for it to occur. And in both cases, action must be paired with intent for anything to happen. Well, other than the Ravens winning. Luckily, they don’t require anything from me to get into the playoffs:)

Hope is an important emotion. It gives us a whisper of possibility when everything feels impossible. It provides the inspiration to take the next breath when we feel as though our world is imploding. It gives permission to trust that despair isn’t permanent and that you can have a better tomorrow.

Hope gives the motivation to keep going even when you can’t yet see the light.

But hope is not enough.

You have to act.

I have hope and I’m not afraid to use it.

The discussion reminded me of a phrase I heard often during my divorce:

Everything happens for a reason.

Whenever that phrase was delivered by some well-meaning person, I would nod and mutter, “yes,” while silently screaming inside. You see, that phrase to me seemed passive. It implied that I should sit back and wait and let the reason for the hell I was enduring be revealed.

And passively waiting was the last thing I wanted to do. My life was actively stolen from me. And I was actively going to make it better.

And I didn’t just hope I could laugh, trust and love again.

I didn’t just hope that one day I could be grateful for my divorce and even for my ex.

I didn’t just hope I could bring purpose to the pain and create good from so much bad.

I knew I could.

And then I made it happen.

Baby step by baby step.

Replace “hope” and “try” with “believe” and “will.”

Don’t just chase your dreams,

Create your dreams.

Make your hope an active verb.

Ten Tips For Dating After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Dating after divorce tends to be a deliberate action, entered into consciously and tentatively after years or even decades with the same person. This can be an opportunity for you to clarify your needs and the needs of a relationship before you step out on that first date. The following are my suggestions for your ten commandments of dating after divorce. Read the tips on The Good Men Project.