The Forgotten Lesson

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes I miss the year of tear-stained cheeks.

Not the piercing pain. Or the perpetual confusion. And definitely not the ever-vigilant fear.

But the constant reminder of what really matters.

And what is just noise.

It was like the trauma itself acted as a filter. In order for something to register, it had to be at least as loud as the pain.

And that left quite a bit disregarded on the floor, rated as unimportant compared to the major life themes coursing through my mind on a daily basis.

I found myself surprised by some of the experiences that did register. A respite in the February sun trilled louder than my keening. Appreciation for a surprise snack of succulent fruit sounded above the din of my panicking brain. I accepted invites without hesitation, regardless of what tasks needed to be accomplished by some pressing deadline.

I have allowed myself to forget this lesson.

With no filter in place to separate the critical from the inconsequential, I have permitted the noise to deafen me.

Apparently I need a refresher course.

Be Where You Are for Dummies, Part II.

Class is in session.

Blinding You With Science

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Here’s another collection of interesting articles I’ve come across. The (rather loose) theme for today is science; all of these have at least some basis in research. I’ll let you form your own opinions about the conclusions:)

First, from one of my favorite magazines, Mental Floss summarizes 11 interesting facts gathered from a variety of studies about online dating. I’ve gotta say, #6 shocks me. What’s the point of signing up then? 11 Results From Studies About Online Dating

Ever wonder why it’s taking you so long to get over your break-up? Don’t worry, science has your answer. The Real Reason It Took So Long to Get Over Your Breakup

Here are some recent conclusions about risk factors for divorce. According to the short list on the top, don’t ever marry a teacher! Hopefully, the other factors will help balance out my earning power:) New Prediction Factors For Divorce

It seems that we like to quantify divorce; perhaps it brings some semblance of control over a difficult situation. The first one on this list surprises me; I certainly don’t fall into that category! The Science of Separating: Five Shocking Truths About Divorce

And from the other side of the aisle, here is some research from the good people at The Gottman Institute about what makes love last. Why Does Love Last For Some and Not Others?

Happy Friday everyone!

Money Talks

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always about so much more than money, isn’t it?

It’s amazing how much emotion and self-image can become tied up in the amount of money coming in and in how the money goes out.

And how something that at its essence is pretty basic can become the basis for such elaborate reactions and over-reactions.

We lose sleep about money. Lose friends over money. Lose our minds over money.

And if you’ve faced financial betrayal?

Yeah.

Let’s say it’s easy to just plain lose it.

I hate the way the financial betrayal has impacted my relationship with money. It has taken what used to be a healthy respect and responsible frugality and twisted it into something shame-tinged and focused on avoiding scarcity. It has made money a focus for me in a way I despise. I feel like a starving person at a buffet. I want to pile it all on my plate, but I’m afraid to take a bite in case it makes me sick.

And I hate it.

After being robbed behind my stupidly naive and trusting back, I now obsessively controlling my own funds. I breathe a little easier when my credit score rises a point (happy dance time!), my student loan balance decreases or when I sock away another few hundred towards the car I’ll need soon (not too soon, please!!!).

I am always careful to make sure that I can survive on my own if I should have to (smart) and yet I don’t relax into the financial reality I have with my husband (not too smart). I don’t spend money I don’t have (smart), but I also don’t spend money that I have and should (not so smart says my feet in too-old running shoes).

And the dumbest thing? The part I really beat my head against the wall about? After my ex’s financial secrecy, you would think I would want it all laid out (that would be smart). But I have trouble talking about it (dumb, dumb, dumb). My now-husband has none of the tuck-it-under-the-covers approach that my ex perfected (thank goodness!) and so there’s nothing hidden to uncover. Yet, when he innocuously brings up something about money, my stomach still does a little somersault. Just a baby one. But a tumble nonetheless.

And when I have to bring it up? I think I get a cartwheel.

And the really crazy thing?

I’m talking about zero-stress (at least on his part), no conflict discussions.

For example…

We usually split most home renovation/repair costs on a percentage split based upon relative income. Sometimes he picks up a little more if I happen to be strapped at that point. And he does this without comment or complaint.

This season, adding some landscaping is in the plans. As I started stalking nurseries (NOT the kind that house children!) and making lists, he said more than once, “Just tell me how much you need.”

A side note here, I promise not to turn this blog into a gardening forum. But you will probably be subjected to some (okay, maybe more than some) plant pictures and, knowing me, some far-out gardening analogies that I somehow manage to relate to relationships.

And I figured out last weekend about how much I would need. And I felt like it was too much. So I worried it around in my head until tonight, when I finally asked him.

His response? “Sure. When do you need it?”

He has a much more balanced relationship with money than I do. Obviously.

And I’m working on it. My little monthly Birchbox is a baby step. The first of many.

Our good friend just left here with our tax info (it’s awesome to have a friend who is also an accountant). We talked for a while about money and its entanglement with our psyche.

And he reminded me about the importance of a mindset of abundance.

I have that image in my mind for my garden. Maybe it’s time to allow that image to spread.

5 Truths You Have to Accept Before Your Second Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Your Baggage is Your Problem

It’s always nice when someone offers to carry our bags for us. There’s a relief that comes from shifting that burden; a sense of freedom when the weight is lifted. But when it comes to relationships, your baggage is your problem. Whether you have residual anger that flares when provoked, fear of betrayal or abandonment or irrational overreactions from triggers buried in your past, it is up to you to address them.

baggage

No Pining Allowed

It’s natural to miss your ex at times. Perhaps they had traits your new partner lacks or maybe you shared a different connection. Watch those thoughts. If you are yearning for your past, you will miss your present. Whatever was is over. Be where you are.

You Must Perfect the Art of Compromise

Marriages that occur later in life can be more complicated, as two full and separate worlds come together. Each partner may be less flexible and more set on his or her ways than in a first marriage. If you want to share your life with someone, you will have to adapt. You will have to let go in order to let in.

Vulnerability and Intimacy May Be a Struggle

Both of you have probably been wounded. Perhaps deeply. Once you have been hurt, it’s tempting to build ramparts to ensure that you are never attacked again. But a marriage requires vulnerability to survive. In a second marriage, it can be an ongoing struggle to trust enough to open up. The effort is worth it.

Your Spouse is Your Partner, Not Your Savior

It’s easy to project the “white knight” persona onto the person that helps us see love and light again. It’s important to remember, however, that your spouse can’t save you. They can only hold your hand while you save yourself. And that can make your second marriage even better.

Knight

Survival School

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m in survival mode at school right now.

And that little prepositional phrase, “at school” is so much more important than its brevity and simplicity suggests.

You see, six years ago, that sentence would not have ended with that phrase even though school was the source of the stress. Because survival mode in one area of my life unerringly expanded to be survival mode in all areas of my life. Stress at work blossomed and grew, filling every crevice of my life. In times of intensity at school, I brought both literal and figurative work home with me every night and double on the weekends.

There were no boundaries.

I learned something about survival mode during the year of tear-stained cheeks. I was unwittingly enrolled in a survival boot camp that year, as I was literally fighting to regain some sort of life again in the midst of madness.I discovered that even though I could not entirely avoid situations that called for survival mode, I could limit their influence.

I could set boundaries.

Survival mode happens to us all. It is characterized by periods of overwhelming intensity that require that your world shrink to accommodate the demands of the stressor. Survival mode can be triggered by something as happy as the birth of a baby and the lack of sleep collides with immense responsibility and never-ending need. It can come on the heels of a loss, a death or divorce wiping out any sense of normalcy and the trauma short-circuiting any coping mechanisms.

Or, as with my current state of survival, it can come as a perfect storm of factors. In this case, two weeks of being drained by the flu combined with crazy deadlines at work and a lack of planning time coinciding with my husband being out-of-town and a stretch where Atlanta was impersonating a Seattle winter, collided to create a maelstrom of stress.

So at work right now I’m in complete survival mode. My blinders are on, my head is down. I’m just focused on trying to get it done without neglecting to breathe in the meantime. But apart from one cryfest on the way home from work on Tuesday (of which there is thankfully no footage) and some sleep interrupted by anxiety-fueled dreams, the survivor mode has been confined within the walls of the school.

The boundaries are holding.

Here is some of what I learned in survivor school. Maybe it can help you next time you find yourself in survival mode.

A Space For Everything

Compartmentalize. And then compartmentalize some more. Just because things are falling apart in one area of your life, doesn’t mean it’s all bad. It’s easy to believe that if we blur the lines and give whatever the stressor is more energy, more time that we will be able to chip away at it. But the truth is that most of the time, allowing to spread only poisons other areas and doesn’t really help the original issue. When you’re in it, be in it. But also allow yourself moments away. Give yourself the gift of respite.

Institute a Catastrophizing Ban

It may suck, but it’s rarely as bad as we make it seem when we’re overwhelmed and under-rested. Take a step back. Breathe. Identify and take one step at a time. And make sure to celebrate any progress you make. Remember that it may be the world’s biggest molehill, but it’s still not a mountain.

To Thine Own Self Be Kind

Allow yourself a good cry. Pamper yourself with a moment alone or a special treat. Prioritize sleep; its lack makes everything harder. Don’t be too scared to ask for help or too proud to receive it. If you’re physically able, get up and move. Go outside. Peek at the stars. They have a way of putting everything in perspective.

photo 2-102

Let the Little Things Go

When you’re in survival mode, your world has to temporarily shrink down to the necessities. It’s okay to neglect non-essentials so that you can focus on what is critical. And you define what is critical. For me this past week, critical has meant time to read in bed with Tiger curled up by side. And to make that happen, I ignored tasks around the house.

In survival mode, you’re not going for perfection, you’re working on making it until the next day. And as long as you do that, call it a success.

See the Light

Survival situations don’t persist forever; don’t let your survival mode become a way of living. Recognize when the pressures lift and expand your world again.