Do you find yourself fixated on the past, caught up in the “what if’s” and ” I should haves”? It is so easy to get lost in that world; it is like a labyrinth made of memories, embracing us in its tangled folds. Here are some suggestions on how to escape the temporal maze and look to your future.
10 Tips to Let Go of the Past & Embrace the Future.
…and is that really what you want to carry?
One of the most difficult aspects of separation is dealing with the memories. I remember on my first solo grocery shopping trip, I burst into tears at the sight of the sparkling water my husband used to buy. If I couldn’t even handle the sight of an innocuous green bottle, how was I ever going to handle the places and objects that sparked real memories?
In the early months, my primary strategy was avoidance as much as possible. It wasn’t easy, though, as I lived about 6 miles from our former home and I still worked just around the corner. I secured a P.O. box in the area for that first year and I would take the most circuitous, traffic-laden route to get there so that I didn’t have to drive by my old neighborhood. Even so, I lived with constant reminders since I was so close to the crime scene.
Even while I tried to practice avoidance with the everyday reminders, I sought to consciously layer memories of the big things, I fought to take back psychic possession of certain locations or activities that he and I had done together.I staked my claim on those memories I refused to let him have them. By revisited with others and layering memories, I could once again look at those places with fondness.
It was a surreal time. I dragged city-loving friends on hikes through the mountains. I faced the place in the airport where I last touched my ex with a date, on our way to see the Smithsonian. I went with groups of friends to the restaurant where he and I ate weekly.
At first, this layering was very deliberate, intentional. Over time, I found that it became second nature, even to the point of applying a second layer without thought. Much as one does with a sweater when the wind bites a bit too much.
This article is a natural follow up to, “Let Pain be Your Teacher.” Viewing our pain as a lesson that leads to growth and wisdom allows us to soften to it. Let the pain be transient and the lessons permanent.
Why Embracing Pain Is the Gateway to Growth.
I’ve never been one to put things off. Even as a kid, I would do all of my weekend homework as soon as I got home from school on Friday so that I didn’t have it hanging over my head. Just a few months ago, we had to move suddenly and around the holidays. I had all of the boxes unpacked and broken down in 24 hours. I coined the term, “reverse procrastinator” to describe myself; I would get things done quickly and under pressure, but I would accomplish them at the beginning of the timeframe, rather than against the actual deadline.
I’ve never been one to put things off. Apart from my own happiness, that is.
I used to have a tendency to tackle my endless lists, take care of those around me, and say that I would take care of myself tomorrow. Or during the coming weekend. Or maybe on the next school break. The trouble was that something else would always come up and take precedence. I didn’t see this as a big problem. I was happy enough, content. I thought that if I focused on my husband’s well-being, that would take care of the marriage. Besides, it felt selfish to focus on myself.
But putting off my own happiness didn’t save my marriage. It didn’t make my husband any happier. All it did was allow a few more crossed off items on the to-do list than I may have been able to accomplish otherwise.
I see things differently now. By taking time to take care of myself, I am a better teacher, a better partner, a better me. I still reverse procrastinate, but now I make sure that my happiness is also on the list of things to accomplish.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 