How to Thrive Even When Life is One Day at a Time

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes, we have a five-year plan. Other times, we’re just wondering if we can survive the next hour. And we all need help when life is one day at a time.

In that will-I-make-it-through-the-day phase after divorce, I made a little checklist for myself. Actually, that’s not quite true because my brain was too all over the place to make a checklist. What I actually had was sort of a checklist in pieces, random thoughts jotted down on sticky notes and placed where I would see them.

These notes contained reminders of things that I needed to do each day. In the beginning, they were exceptionally simple:

  • feed the cat
  • feed yourself

But after a few zombie-like weeks, I started to broaden my horizons a little more. Even though I was still stumbling my way through the days and crying myself through the nights, I wanted more.

I wanted to thrive, not just survive.

More sticky note reminders were made and refined over time. By the time I started to find my groove, these are the prompts I was left with:

When life is one day at a time, every day…

Complete something that makes you feel accomplished.

This can be something as small as doing a load of laundry or even feeding the cat. Complete one task that leaves you feeling lie you got something done at the end of the day.

Engage in something that increases your heart rate.

Feeling like you have to exercise when you’re still struggling to get out of bed is a tall order. Instead, make the goal small enough that choosing the stairs over the elevator means that you’ve met it.

Find something that decreases your heart rate.

When we’re stressed, our bodies often reflect our inner turmoil. Take the time to breathe for just a few moments and try to allow yourself to relax.

Seek out something that reminds you to be grateful.

I promise there’s always something. We often just need a reminder to look for it. Bonus points if you start writing them down.

Do something that you don’t want to do.

On some days, this could be making a call to the lawyer. On other days, it’s simply getting out of bed.

Do one thing just because you want to.

Hit the snooze button on the alarm. Watch your favorite trashy TV. Eat that piece of chocolate.

Speak to at least one human.

There were days that I went inside the gas station instead of paying at the pump just to accomplish this prompt. I never regretted those moments of human contact, no matter how brief.

Get outside.

There’s a big world out there. And sometimes we need the reminder.

It’s been almost 13 years since I first made these daily promises to myself and yet I still follow the basic guidance I wrote to myself all those years ago. Those little reminders have held my hand through those moments when life is one day at a time and have helped me end so many days on a better note than how it started.

Faulty Cheating Logic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Faulty Cheating Logic

I keep encountering people who believe the following:

If a man cheats on his wife, then the marriage was sexless.

If the marriage was sexless, then it was the wife’s fault.

Therefore, if a man cheats on his wife, it was the wife’s fault.

*I’m sticking with the male cheater and asexual wife here because this is the assumption that always gets thrown my way. Don’t worry, men, I’ll get to the assumption that gets applied to you too. 

 

There are so many problems with this line of thinking…

1 – People cheat on their spouses for all kinds of reasons, only one of which is a lack of connection in the bedroom. If it was that simple to prevent infidelity, I bet cheating would be a whole lot less common (and easier to find when it was happening).

2 – You never really know what goes on in another person’s marriage, much less between their sheets. Why make that assumption?

3- Is the husband lying about the state of the bedroom in order to gain a sympathetic ear from the affair partner or from friends and family? Remember, they’re trying to make themselves look good and paint infidelity as a reasonable decision. 

4 – If the marriage was sexless, it may not be the woman’s decision. I know it’s not culturally accepted, but men can also turn away from their sexual selves for myriad reasons. 

5 – If the woman is turning down sex, are there underlying reasons? Sometimes these may have nothing to do with the marriage (trauma or health) and sometimes she shuts down as a direct result of her husband’s behaviors or inattention. 

6- And finally, even if the bedroom was dead and the wife was the one hitting the brakes on sex, that’s still not an excuse to cheat on someone. Decide that sex is important enough for you to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about ethical non-monogamy? Cool. But lie and manipulate to get what you want while keeping them in the dark? No. 

 

I see a similar type of faulty logic directed towards men:

If a woman cheats on her husband, he didn’t provide for/satisfy her.

 

Let’s dig into this one…

1 – Again, there are many reasons for infidelity. I’m sure this is one of them. But it’s only one. 

2 – If this was her reasoning, was she looking for him to provide her with happiness and/or purpose? Because those are both things that another person can never provide for us. In other words, he’s set up to fail.

3- Was he working so hard to provide in one arena that he couldn’t give enough attention in others? For example, maybe he is put in the situation where he is working overtime to bring in enough money and also criticized for not being available. Those priorities have to be worked out as a couple.

4-Because we place so much value on what a man provides, an easy way for her to cut him down publicly is to imply that he doesn’t measure up. What does she have to gain from that approach?

5-And finally, even if she feels that he is not bringing enough to the table, that is still not an excuse to cheat. Decide that you something different and make the decision to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about needs and changes and boundaries? Absolutely. But leave him in the dark and sneak around behind his back? No. 

 

I can see where both of these faulty assumptions come from. We all want to believe that we have more control over our lives than we do. We feel safer when we can believe that if we only do “x,” we can prevent “y” from happening. But it’s not that simple, as those of us who have been through the wringer can attest. Because when it comes to cheating, logic gets thrown out the window. 

Voices in Our Heads

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m in the process of studying data science for (crossing fingers) an upcoming career change. It requires that I learn a lot of coding and a lot of math.

It’s the latter that’s been my struggle. Every time I open a book or press play on a video, I hear my middle school math teacher’s voice:

“You’re a smart kid, but you’re just not very good at math.”

It’s been 30 years. I’ve taught math for almost 20 of those. I have exam scores, teaching awards and recognition from the school community to prove those words wrong.

But it’s still not enough to completely silence them.

Because those words came from a trusted and respected person at a pivotal time. I had not yet developed any narrative of my own around my math ability. It was an empty slot in my young brain and so those words easily slid in, like a cartridge in a tape deck. And once they were installed, they became a part of me.

 

We all have those pivotal encounters in our younger years that shape us and stay with us. Whether it’s your parent negatively comparing you to your sibling that leaves you feeling less than, a teacher that makes you question your ability, a pastor that leads you to wonder if you’re broken or a partner that makes you question if you’re lovable.

We’re vulnerable to those messages when we’re young and we haven’t fully settled into ourselves. So we look to those that we hold in esteem to help us figure out who we are.

Sometimes that goes well. I hope everyone can look back and remember that one person (or more) that lifted you up and acted as training wheels for your burgeoning confidence.

And sometimes it doesn’t go so well.

My ex-husband’s voice is still housed in my brain somewhere. I’ve mainly managed to silence it, but if I let my guard down, it likes to speak up.

“You’re impossible to live with, always negative.”

I try to throw counter-evidence at it to beat it into submission. But it’s resistant. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to completely evict it.

Those voices may speak to me.

But I refuse to let them speak for me. 

I will continue to prove them wrong. 

I hope you can do the same with your voices. 

We may not be able to silence them, but we don’t have to give them power to stop us. 

Conversations Matter

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Conversations matter.

Through hearing the stories of others, we allow ourselves to question the stories we tell ourselves.

By listening to how others experience the world, we give space to perspectives other than our own.

When we set down ego and assumptions and defensiveness, we create opportunity for empathy and new understanding.

Conversations matter.

To be able to accept that just because we don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong. Or simply because something isn’t part of our experience doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And that just because we believe something, that doesn’t make it right.

When conversations are real, they get messy. Uncomfortable. Some truths can be hard to hear. That doesn’t mean they should be silenced.

Conversations matter.

They cannot be rushed. Or distilled into soundbites and Instagram posts. They are ongoing and evolving, without a push to reach a false resolution in order to alleviate discomfort.

The best conversations are multilayered, comprised of tapestries of voices that are adding to and shaping the discussion. And perhaps even more importantly, the best conversations have an abundance of silence, recognizing that sometimes giving someone the space to speak says quite a lot.

Conversations can’t happen from a place of “us” vs. “them,” because then it becomes about proving one side right and by default, the other, wrong. Instead, conversations happen when different voices come together in the spirit of us vs. ignorance, us vs. harmful beliefs and practices, us vs. hatred.

Sometimes conversations can get emotional when they begin to threaten those foundational beliefs of self or safety. And as a society, we struggle with those feelings of vulnerability. And so often, we respond with anger or aggression or distraction. Because those things feel more comfortable than being laid bare.

Conversations matter.

Even as we’re wearing masks in public, many of our hypothetical masks have been stripped away. On Zoom, we’re seeing how people really live. Without access to as many services, we’re seeing how people really look.

Without the usual confidence it what is coming next, we’re seeing how people handle fear. Without the usual distractions to occupy us, we’re seeing what really is. We’re vulnerable. And that makes us uncomfortable.

Conversations aren’t enough. Words alone do not make outward change. But change starts from within. With listening. With confronting the stories that we’ve grown to believe. And with being brave enough to write new ones.

Thoughts From a World Turned Upside Down

Posted on by stilllearning2b