How Not to Be Your Own Worst Enemy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my writing first left the relative safety of WordPress for the great untamed wilds of The Huffington Post, I was elated. The first post hit big and I eagerly sat down that afternoon to read through the rapidly appearing comments.

And for every comment that made me feel good about myself or sorry for someone else, there were two that seemed to be personal attacks. Soon, the excitement I felt about being published was replaced with a sense of discomfort and malaise.

Yet I kept reading. For months, I dutifully read every comment, every review. I carefully weighed each criticism as though it was coming from a known and trusted source.I tried to answer each barbed question and address each complaint. I grew increasing anxious and melancholy.

And then finally there was one comment that broke me open. A stranger claimed that my ex was right to do what he did because I was always nagging and we never had sex. When he referenced the children (I have none), I finally realized it – he was talking to his ex wife, not to me.

Yeah, I can be a slow learner.

It finally registered that I was the problem. Not these anonymous internet commenters. But me.

I was acting as my own worst enemy.

It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re sabotaging yourself. Quite often, the initial injury does come from some external source. And then we remain focused on that even while we are ones choosing to keep our hands in the fire.

Set Limits For Yourself

Part of my problem with the early comment-reading is that I was allowed myself to become consumed, perspective lost and obsession triggered. In an act of kindness to myself, I limited my exposure to a few times a month and only on days when my confidence was high.

If you have a certain habit or behavior that is causing you distress yet you’re not willing or able to give it up completely, begin by setting boundaries for yourself. Decide how much is too much and stay well within those limits.

Watch Your Internal Narrative

When you’re acting as your worst enemy, you often verbally abuse yourself –  “I’m not good enough to succeed at this.” “I can’t do that.” “They’re so much better than me.”

Would you talk to another loved one this same way? So then why are you using these words against yourself? Here are some tips on how to edit your personal narrative so that you’re treating yourself more kindly.

Be Alert to Your Fears

Self-sabotage is often achored in fear. We would fail because we chose not to try than fail because we tried and discovered that we were not enough.

It’s okay to admit you’re scared. It’s not okay to allow that fear to control your life. Be aware of those areas where fear is dictating your route and work to regain control of the steering wheel.

Accept Your Locus of Control

Always wanting things to be different is exhausting. Strive to classify struggles in your life as inside or outside your locus of control. If it’s something you cannot change, either let it be or work to alter your response to it. Anything else is simply you beating your head against the wall. And we know how that feels.

Have an Awareness of Your Assumptions

When a friend fails to call you at the regular time, are you the type of person who assumes they were busy or do immediately think that something must be wrong – either with them or even more likely, with you?

If you fall into the second camp (which I think we all occupy at times), pay attention to these stories you tell yourself to fill in the gaps in your knowledge. Are you allowing yourself to get caught up in the details of stories that may not even be true?

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

What are the situations, people or actions that make you feel good? Which are the ones that make you miserable?

Which do you spend more time with?

Your answer may surprise you. When we’re acting as our own worst enemy, we often sadistically subject ourselves to situations that bring more pain than pleasure. And social media has made this even more commonplace.

Be Careful What You Nurture

Your energy is finite. Spend it wisely. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Why Refusing to Admit to a Mistake Can Be the Worst Mistake You Make

Posted on by stilllearning2b
mistake

My proudest teacher moment this year came in the form of a Christmas note from a student –

“You taught us that it’s okay not to be ‘perfect’ and that is how we learn…from our mistakes.”

I used to have a really hard time admitting that I made a mistake. I would endure the repercussions instead of allowing that I made a poor choice and seeking an alternate. I would quietly jump through hoops to mitigate the consequences of my mistake instead of copping to it and asking for assistance.

I saw my mistakes as personal failings and their consequences as natural punishment. Instead of seeing opportunity in mistakes, I saw shame.

And in that environment, small mistakes can become large ones.

When my marriage imploded publicly and spectacularly, I was forced to come to terms with many mistakes of my own making – I chose to marry this man who obviously had some traits that were incompatible with marriage, I was ignorant of the deceptions and financial transactions that were occurring under my own roof and I further made the error of extending blind trust to another.

And for the first time in my life, rather than feeling shame and shutting down from those mistakes, I allowed myself to see opportunity and feel motivated by them.

And you know what? It was okay.

The world didn’t end because I had made a mistake. My loved ones didn’t turn away in abject horror. The lapses in judgement didn’t define me and the only thing they changed was my conviction to learn how to do better the next time.

And instead of fearing mistakes, I started to accept them. Sometimes even welcome them. (A tip of the hat here to my husband who does so well of admitting mistakes without excuse or defensiveness. I’m still learning from him!)

By admitting to a mistake, you take the first step towards fixing it.

By admitting to a mistake, you allow for other solutions and other perspectives.

By admitting to a mistake, you invite others into the search for resolution.

By admitting to a mistake, you set the stage for learning and create opportunity for growth.

By admitting to a mistake, you silence the shame and normalize the experience of not getting it right every time.

By admitting to a mistake, you give yourself the gift of empathy and understanding.

 

We ALL make mistakes. It’s what you do with them that matters.

 

 

 

6 Surprising Causes of Resentment (And How to Neutralize Them)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I could feel it starting to rise in my belly like a yeasty dough set upon a counter in the sun. My reaction was stronger than the action which prompted it, a sure sign that there was more beneath the surface.

Last fall, I had reached the conclusion that we would not be doing any winter trips this year for a variety of reasons. When I mentioned this to my husband, he brought up the possibility of doing a ski trip in February.

And there is where the roads diverged. In his extroverted way, he was talking through options. In my, “I don’t say it until I know it to be true” manner, those words were gospel. Especially because I’m dire need of a smile on the calendar as well as a few days away.

And when I found out that his work schedule would not allow for the trip, I was devastated. The building anticipation squashed flat, oozing acrid emotions. Part of this was a natural reaction to disappointment.

But there’s more to it. In my former life, I put too much on hold – work now, play later executed to perfection. Only there was nothing good about it. Furthermore, betrayal has this weird trick it plays on you. Disappointment is misread as a breach of trust, a failing to follow through. So my response to the wet towel thrown on my hopes was out of proportion to the event.

I threw a pity party for evening, partially fueled by hearing about other’s trips and seeing spectacular vacation photos on Facebook. I allowed myself to become frustrated with the differences my husband and I have in our pull towards travel. And that’s when the resentment began to grow in my belly, a nascent being that, if nurtured, would soon have a mind of its own.

So I worked to starve the budding grudge, to commit to finding a way to travel regardless. I tried on a few options, but nothing seemed to fit both my mood and my budget. And then, upon entering my yoga studio the other day, I saw a posting for an upcoming weekend yoga retreat, scheduled just a couple weeks after the hoped-for ski trip.

I smiled. This felt right.

The irritation and dismay were immediately replaced with excitement.

And a conviction that I WILL travel. I will be pleasantly surprised when that can happen with my husband, but I will not assume (nor wait on) that possibility. Because putting your life on hold while waiting on another is a sure-fire way to fuel resentment.

We have a tendency to lay blame for our resentment at the feet of another. We claim to feel that way due to another’s actions or inactions. But the funny thing about resentment is that it is less a response to another and more a response to ourselves.

Resentment happens when we allow ourselves to get caught up in somebody else’s web. It grows when we operate under the assumption that another is responsible for our well-being. It spikes when we permit others to cross our boundaries or when we neglect to erect boundaries at all. We set the stage for resentment when we do something for another with the anticipation of reward or gratitude.  And it feeds upon our own dissatisfaction with our own choices.

And resentment is poison ivy in a relationship. Once allowed to root, it becomes almost impossible to fully eradicate. It’s best to pull it out by the roots while it is still tender and unformed.

Resentment is a sign that you’ve shifted responsibility to another person’s shoulders. In order to release the acrimony, take back your own power.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired on waiting on them to make up their mind or move forward on some promised action.”

What it means: “I’m waiting on them to decide my life so that I don’t have to face the responsibility of the outcome.”

How to neutralize: When possible, choose to move forward regardless of their participation. You do you and they’ll either decide to get going or they’ll stay behind. The resentment builds when you feel as though you’re sacrificing and sacrificing for some promised,but as yet unseen, action. So focus on making conscious choices and compromises rather than sacrifices.

If you truly are stuck waiting (which happens way less often than we believe), ensure that waiting is not all you’re doing. Fill your space with as much life as you can while you are on hold.

 

How it presents: “This is not what I signed up for.”

What it means: “I’m having trouble adjusting to this new life script and dealing with the change.”

How to neutralize: Life is a series of readjustments. And change is hard. Sometimes very hard. When the change presents itself in a person or relationship, we can grow resentful because it requires adaptation on our part. Yet, that’s life no matter who we surround ourselves with.

Strive to eliminate the daydreams of, “what if.” Life is not a choose your own adventure book. Once some choices are made, you cannot merely turn back a page and make a new one. Work from where you are.

When presented with change, we can adapt or we can dig in our heels and refuse to accept what we’re facing. Guess which one breeds resentment?

 

How it presents: “I’m putting in more effort than you are.”

What it means: “I’m struggling to set and enforce boundaries about what I am and am not willing to tolerate.”

How to neutralize: First, be honest with yourself. Are you attracted to people who depend upon you? Do you willingly take up the role of caretaker in the beginning only to become resentful as fatigue sets in? That’s coming from fear, a fear of being alone or of being dispensable.

It is your responsibility to identify, communicate and enforce your boundaries. You can’t get upset when their crossed if they’re constructed merely of whispered wishes. When you hold to your beliefs and borders, you won’t have the emotional response to any transgressions.

Remember this – it’s not fair to get angry at someone for taking what you’re freely giving by putting other’s needs above your own.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired of being the ‘bad guy’ or the responsible one.”

What it means: “I’ve learned somewhere along the way that I am supposed to take on the heavy lifting.”

How to neutralize: This is one of those roles us Type A super-responsible people tend to end up in. We’ve learned (usually in childhood) that it’s our job to take care of things. And then, as adults, we’re often attracted to people that are more carefree in order to balance our sensible natures. And then we grow resentful for the very thing that attracted us in the beginning.

By all means, communicate your needs. Explain your nature and express what you would like to see from them. At the same time, accept that you picked them as they are and they are not yours to change.

Try taking two steps towards the center. Let some things go. Release some of the responsibility. The other person may pick up the slack. Or they may not. But you also may be amazed at how much you can let go of and the world will still go on.

 

How it presents: “I resent them putting more time, energy and attention in other directions.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unbalanced and unappreciated.”

How to neutralize: When our lives are full, we have little energy or care about what others are doing. It is only when we face some void that we concern ourselves with the plates of others. So start by filling your own plate. Put your time, energy and attention into something other than the lack of time, energy and attention they’re directing towards you.

Identify why you’re feeling unappreciated. Are you performing with the hope of reward and you’re upset when it doesn’t materialize? Are you biting your tongue until it bleeds and allowing your anger to bloom? Are you not recognizing the signs of appreciation when they are presented? If you are being taken advantage of, seek to understand why you’re allowing that to happen.

 

How it presents: “I feel jealous and bitter about their life and options.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unfulfilled and stuck in my own life.”

How to neutralize: We are at our unhappiest when we compare ourselves to others. We try to measure life against life as though they are calculated in some standard unit. But that’s a false reading. Each life has its own treasures and its own tarnish. And they don’t easily match up.

When resentment anchored in envy presents, turn your energy away from the object of your ire and into yourself. Where are you feeling stuck? Are you feeling afraid to make the necessary changes to get to where you want to go? It’s amazing how often we covet what we’re afraid to seek on our own. Rather than resent them for what they have, be brave enough to seek what you want.

 

After Divorce: The Compelling Case for Detached Compassion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“My ex was such a big part of my life my so many years, I can’t imagine not being friends with them.”

“After what my ex did to me, there’s no way that I can ever forgive them. I’m just so angry.”

“I just heard that my ex is already dating again! Can you believe that?!?”

“My ex keeps asking for my advice. I want to help, but I always end up feeling rotten after the call. What should I do?”

I’ve heard them all. More than once.

And even though the situations are all different, they all have a common theme.

Attachment.

Only now that you’re divorced, those bonds have become restraints.

“A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done.” Ram Dass

Yes, it would be awesome for you to be able to be friends with your ex. But that tricky navigation will take time and (I’m sorry to say) may never happen depending upon your circumstances. Be open to the possibility, explore the option if you’re interested, but release your attachment to the outcome.

Yes, your ex did you wrong. Way wrong. And you have every right to be angry. But the misdeeds have already been done. That’s over and no amount of anger can change that. The rage that you’re holding is holding you back, causing you even more pain that the initial injury. Releasing it doesn’t release your ex, it releases you.

Yes, your ex jumped quickly into the dating scene. Maybe even before the marriage over. It’s hard to see them with somebody else, hard to not feel as though you’re being replaced. Your interested because you’re used to being interested and perhaps because you’re hoping to uncover some signs of their unhappiness or their new partner’s shortcomings. Accept that your life is no longer tethered to theirs and if you need to feel as though you’re doing better, focus on building you instead of looking for their defects.

“The more attached we are to a vision of the future, the less present we are to what is actually trying to emerge here and now.” Peter Merry

Yes, your ex keeps reaching out to you. Perhaps they’re used to depending on you for advice and guidance. Maybe they’re playing around with the idea of rekindling a romance with you. Or maybe they’re just playing you. Your emotional reaction to the contact is your sign that your boundaries are being tested. It’s too much and/or it’s too soon. Yet, on some level, the contact feels good. Normal. And it feels good to be needed. Yet, by allowing yourself to put in this role, you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in this role.

The solution?

Compassionate detachment.

It works if your ex is a potential friend down the road or a foe of the worst kind.

It’s applicable if you have to maintain a co-parenting relationship or you will never see them again.

It’s effective in every situation because it only depends on you and your reactions, not on your ex.

Compassionate detachment means that you take a step back. It’s the difference between being soaked in the storm and watching the rain through the window.

Compassionate detachment means that you find a place of empathy for a fellow human being. It’s the difference between squishing the ant on the sidewalk and allowing it to go on its way.

Compassionate detachment does not preclude the opportunity of a friendship; closeness can always be found down the road.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no consequences; if your ex behaves poorly, it’s not your job to protect them from feeling the effects.

Compassionate detachment does not immediately extinguish your impulse to know what your ex is doing; the preoccupation will decline as you maintain the distance.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no boundaries; establish guidelines to protect yourself and help them when you choose to.

And finally, compassionate detachment does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It means releasing the emotional attachment to the event and the person.

Strive to lead with compassion and detach from the outcome.

“Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.” Kathleen McDonald

 

On the Need For Action

Posted on by stilllearning2b
need for action

I just received a call from my husband, who is on the road to Alabama for work. He mentioned a major wreck that shut down the interstate and expressed appreciation for his GPS which found him an alternate route through the country. He conceded that the alternate path was significantly longer and probably wouldn’t actually save him time over simply waiting for the accident to clear. Then he added,

“As long as I’m moving forward, I’m psychologically happy.”

Pretty profound. And certainly doesn’t just apply to being on the road.

Disney designs their rides to keep the lines flowing towards intermediate goals. Video games are tooled so that plays are rewarded with ever-increasing levels. Students are motivated by graduating from one grade and advancing to the next. The popular “snowball method” of debt management basis its success on the intrinsic rewards found in tangible progress.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

A sensation of being stuck breeds frustration. Forced stillness creates a feeling of being powerless. And the longer you’re immobile, the worse you feel.

Defeated, it’s easy to give up and sit down. To claim that we cannot move forward because of the obstacles in our way. To bemoan the length of the journey and elect to not undertake the path. To put so much energy into cursing what caused the standstill that there is little left over to press the gas pedal. To neglect to consult the GPS and instead passively sit behind the barriers before us, getting more exasperated with each passing minute spent in neutral.

Movement bestows a feeling of influence. Of progress. Of purpose.

As long as we’re moving forward, we’re psychologically happy.

Even if the path is circuitous. Even if the headway is painfully slow. And even if you have to retrace your steps.

Objects at rest tend to stay at rest; objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

Make inertia work for you.

Keep moving forward.