What We Gain From Reading Fiction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Its a “snow day” in the ATL today. That means that the temperatures may dip below freezing and the cold rain may solidify into ice or snow. In an an abundance of caution (and probably a fear of a cluster this close to the Super Bowl), the local schools have all decided to implement Online Learning Days.

Since my internal alarm clock still woke me up at 4:00 am and my students will likely not begin their online assignments until later this evening, I’ve been granted the much-needed gift of some unexpected time this morning.

I walked the dogs, wrote some quizzes, did my taxes and went to the gym. But my inbox for work was still silent. So I picked up my Kindle, took a trip to the virtual library and spent the last few hours reading a fictional narrative.

The writing was unremarkable. The characters somewhat unlikable. And the story was somehow confusing and tedious at the same time. (I guess that the library gets runs on ebooks just like the grocery store runs out of milk and eggs during a storm).

But even though the book wasn’t great, the experience was. Because reading fiction has benefits that we often fail to recognize.

Fiction Allows for Distance and Distraction

When we’re sad or anxious or just generally unhappy with our current circumstances, it’s natural to seek escape. Some escapes are certainly healthier and more effective than others.

Surrendering your mind to a story is a wonderful way to give it some rest from whatever is troubling it. Because books demand our attention, they are often more immersive than video or other more passive means of mental escape.

Books allow a free (or cheap) vacation with no packing, no preparation and no TSA lines. The trip away can occupy you for a few minutes or several hours. And as with any holiday, you often find yourself restored upon your return to normal life.

Fiction Provides a New Perspective

Most of us live a relatively homogenous life. We live near people that are like us. Then, we go to work alongside those with similar values and goals. On the weekends, we watch the same shows and visit the same shops. So even when we talk to others, it can sometimes feel as though we’re conversing with a reflection.

Fiction provides a break from the monotony and offers the gift of novelty and a fresh set of eyes. You get to experience what Earth is like from Mars or what it’s like to be a strapping man if you’re a diminutive woman. You’re able to experience new worlds, myriad narrators and countless motivations and backstories.

Once the book is set down, the experience of a different perspective often stays with you, allowing you to be more flexible and open in how you perceive things.

Fiction Encourages Empathy

At the start of this school year, we used a study of the book, Wonder, to anchor our social and emotional wellness lessons. My 6th graders still struggle to identify and analyze their own responses to situations, but they could easily put themselves in Auggie’s shoes and discuss how he might be feeling.

Because so much fiction is written from a first-person perspective, it truly gives us the opportunity to occupy the shoes – and thoughts – of somebody else. It’s much harder to judge somebody’s actions when you’re also privy to their internal world.

When you read a lot of fiction, it primes your brain to ask questions about people you encounter in the world before you jump to conclusions about what is behind their actions.

Fiction Subtly Inspires

So many “self-help” style books can come across as critical and preachy. They have a way of declaring that you’re doing it all wrong while the one doling out advice has advantages that the rest of us mere mortals can only dream of. That tone can be a turn-off as the advice falls on deaf ears and the inspiration rings flat.

Fiction is different. Instead of whopping you upside the head with some positive and trite message, it slowly and surreptitiously makes it way into your consciousness. As a result, you don’t rally your defenses. And you just might close the book feeling inspired by the messages woven explicitly throughout the text or the whispered encouragement from the character’s actions.

Fiction Ignites Curiosity

I’ve long held the belief that we should all strive to respond to the world with more curiosity and kindness. Narratives are crafted to make us ask questions. We are driven to turn the page by a desire to know what will happen next. Perhaps we form a conclusion before it’s revealed, but we always hold the door open to possibly being wrong.

Fiction creates wonder. It prompts us to ask, “What if?” Books may take the form of boxes, but they are limitless in their reach once they’re opened.


Fiction Speaks of Broad Stroke Truths

When I was going through my divorce, I read lots of fiction. Lots of dumb fiction since my brain was still sputtering. Yet even though the selections were far from literary masterpieces, the basic storylines all spoke of life truths for all – love, loss, transformation, redemption and overcoming obstacles.

It doesn’t matter if the story is about werewolves or Civil War soldiers, these broad stroke truths are the heart of every tale because they’re the heart of every life. And sometimes it’s good to reminded of that. That no matter the setting, we’re not alone in our experiences.

Are you aware of the power in YOUR story?

Freedom of Information

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a rough week.

I keep telling myself that things will settle down.

Yet those things never seem to get the message.

I’m usually the strong one. But right now, I’m feeling pretty weak. And all pretense of strong disappeared Friday night. Earlier that day, we had a lockdown drill at school. Our school doesn’t believe in doing the hyper-realistic drills that bring in fake shooters and try to replicate the chaos of the real situation.

But that doesn’t mean that drills are easy. Far from it. Usually, I’m able to build some distance between the discussions I have to have with the students and my own emotional reactions to the reality we live in. I guess my current state of overwhelm meant that those walls were pretty flimsy.

Because later that night, at home with my husband, I suddenly broken down when the show we were watching had a scene with excessive gunfire. Normally, fictional violence doesn’t phase me. But I guess I’m not normal right now, because I ended up crying and shaking under the covers.

As is often the case with emotional eruptions, it was about much more than just the one thing that eventually triggered it. My husband and I spent Friday night talking through some options. And I’ve spent some time this weekend researching possibilities, communicating my needs and finding some hard numbers.

I still don’t have an answer to my current overwhelm, but I feel so much better now that I have data and an outline of options. I no longer feel as trapped and just having some possible plans explored gives me some breathing room.

It can be scary sometimes to face the hard facts. But there is freedom in information. Just knowing that you have options makes the current one feel less like a trap and more like a choice.

A Gentle Reminder Would Have Been Preferable

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve done it again this year.

I’ve let work consume me. Becoming more focused on what needs to get done than on the people I’m doing it for.

And as always, life has a way of reminding me to wake up. Pay attention. And worry less about what has to get done.

This year’s reminder has come in the form of a few fibroids and a smattering of cysts that decided that it would funsies to throw a party in the right side of my abdomen.

Ugh.

Over the past 19 days, the pain has gone from ignorable, to concerning, to debilitating and on to annoying.

I’m grateful to have answers now (even though I’m still waiting to hear about treatment options other than waiting for the party to wind down on its own) and a prescription for diuretics has made breathing an option again (seriously, hats off to all you ladies who have been pregnant – pressure from below on your diaphragm mades it damn hard to take a breath!).

I’m home from work again for a second day this week and I’ve been teaching sitting down with a heating pad when I am there. The list of tasks I need to accomplish before winter break has been ignored because by the time my planning period arrives, I’m doing well to not be crying on the floor.

It’s a good reminder that the body won’t go forever. That taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of others. That the world will go on even if I step back for a day or two. And that middle schoolers can be sweet beneath their often-surly exteriors.

The funny thing is that a much more friendly and furry reminder to enjoy the moments will be joining our family this Sunday.

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Meet Emma, an 18-month-old sweetie and soon-to-be little sister for Kazh. Here the pups are on their first meeting. My husband is seriously the dog whisperer. I love how Emma is looking at Kazh to learn how to act!

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Her foster mom has done an amazing job with her and I know that she’s going to have a hard time letting go. I am so grateful for the opportunity to welcome this pup into our pack and I can’t wait to see her learn and grow into a confident and balanced pittie:)

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Changing the Reflection in the Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b

On the day after I was left, I looked in the mirror. I saw a woman who had been discarded. Thoughtlessly thrown away like some worn-out or unfashionable sneakers. Good enough to be walked on, but no longer deemed worthy of the necessary closet space.

Some days when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who wasn’t good enough. As though looking at a negative, I saw myself for what I was lacking rather than for what I possessed. “No wonder I’ve been abandoned,” I thought, “I’m obviously lacking.”

Other days, the reflection in the mirror seemed too loud, garish even. Fearing that my riotous reflection would clash with others, I pulled back, pulled in. I turned down my volume in an attempt to evade rejection.

We all have a particular reflection that we’re prone to glimpsing when we look in the mirror –

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m lazy.”

“I’m a piece of shit.”

“I’m weak.”

“I’m only valued for …”

“I’m too much.”

“I’m broken.”

“I’m a coward.”

Words that were spoken to us in childhood by trusted adults or inferred by internalizing and personalizing the actions of those around us.

And without our conscious awareness, that reflection becomes the lens through which everything else is filtered.

I first became aware of my self-reflection in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband. He would get angry about something (which was a new experience for me to navigate since my ex carefully tucked away any ire) and I would begin to panic.

Not because of the words that were said.

But because of the words that I heard.

It’s not what the words say. It’s what the words say to you.

If you believe that you’re worthless, a slight criticism becomes confirmation of your inferiority.

When you see yourself as a piece of shit, the slightest mistake that hurts another becomes evidence that you’re a jerk.

If you’re convinced that you’re only valued for your looks, a passing comment on your appearance supports the belief that people only care about your physical presentation.

Each remark – whether it be positive, negative or neutral – is heard within the context of our beliefs about ourselves.

We assume that others are seeing the same version of us that we see in our own reflection.

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your courage or strength in a moment where inside you were feeling scared and weak? It can be challenging for us to comprehend that how we feel inside is often not how we present ourselves to the world and that others may have a very different view of us than we do.

When it comes to ourselves, we hear what we believe.

In my case, if somebody insults my responsibility or work ethic, I can easily shrug it off. Those are character faults that are in no way present in my own self-image, so it is simple to see those barbs as poorly aimed and meaningless barbs. But if someone says something that matches the reflection of the worthless woman in the mirror? That hits close to home and can even become part of the portrait reflected back at me.

No matter how much the people around you change, what you hear won’t change until your own self-reflection does.

Here’s the hard part – you can change the people you surround yourself with. You can set and uphold boundaries about what sort of commentary about yourself you will permit. But as long as you still identify with that negative reflection, who will continue to hear the words that confirm your self-belief.

If you want to change how others treat you, it starts with changing how you see yourself.

The Most Important Lessons From My Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Often the lessons we need most are the ones we are most resistant to. I never wanted to be divorced. In fact, losing my husband, through any means, was my greatest fear in life. So, when I found myself suddenly facing divorce at the age of 32 after being betrayed by my best friend and partner of 16 years, I was lost.

The best lessons can often be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a window where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. It is a time when the ego has been forcefully stripped away and we are able to face those challenging lessons that we may usually avoid. In those moments, we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

The following are some of the lessons I learned on the heels of my divorce:

1) When Gratitude is Your Wrapping Paper, Everything is a Gift

You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your attitude. I wasted time after the divorce being angry and playing victim. Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to soften and to look at the bigger picture. The divorce and its associated trauma happened; I could not alter that reality. I could, however, choose to change my reaction. I have begun to practice radical gratitude – being thankful for the man who deceived and abandoned me. I began by writing a list of ten reasons I am thankful for him and I continue to write a note of gratitude every time I make a payment on the debt he left behind. The situation hasn’t changed, but I now can view my divorce as a springboard for better things.

2) Happiness is Your Choice

I used to tell my husband, “You make me happy.” I meant those words as a compliment, an endearment. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. When he left, I realized that if he truly made me happy, then he also took my potential well being out the door with him. I also began to see the unfair burden I placed on him by making him the keeper of my happiness. That was not fair to him or to me. I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I can choose to be happy with or happy in spite of. Regardless, it is my responsibility.

3) The Past Doesn’t Stay Buried

My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. He denounced their dynamics and always said that his biggest fear was turning into his father. I took his word for it; I thought he was safe from their destructive patterns since he was aware of them and wanted to make different choices. I underestimated the power of the past. If there is one thing that alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets. Apparently those lessons of silence and secrets were too embedded for him to overcome. The skill set was just waiting in the wings until the right moment came along. When he began to struggle during our marriage (with money, alcohol, depression, employment…who knows?), his reflexes kicked in and he covered it up. The past is like a vampire – if you try to defeat it solely by burying it, it will come back to bite you.

4) “Knew” is Not the Same as “Know”

I met my husband when I was just 15. I knew his family. I knew everything from the name of his elementary school to his biggest fears and wishes in life. I thought I knew him. I could describe every little nuance of my husband with the utmost confidence. It was misplaced confidence. I didn’t realize that the man I knew was no longer the man in front of me. We are all fluid, changing with age and environment. Getting to know someone never ends.

5) Work Avoidance Goes Both Ways

I have always had a tendency to work. A lot. I always saw that as a positive trait, an asset. It was only more recently that I realized that my drive to work was often out of a fear of what I would see if I slowed down. The divorce acted like a highlighter in my life, illuminating areas that I used to avoid through work. I learned to slow down and to trust in my ability to face the present. I now breathe through discomfort rather than try to hide from it.

6) The Body Often Knows More Than the Mind

For the last couple years of my marriage, I seemed to catch every cold that came through the school where I worked. I had trouble sleeping, often waking in the middle of the night. I sensed a tension coursing through my body – a low level yet ever-present anxiety. Since there were no outward signs of discord in my marriage, I assumed the tension was due to a difficult time at work. I was shocked to realize, after I recovered from the initial trauma of the abandonment, that my body was more relaxed than it had been in years. I now listen to my body’s messages even when they seem unfounded.

7) Wellness is Not Measured in Hours at the Gym

I used to think I was well. I ate a healthy diet, exercised daily and even managed to do a little yoga once in a while. I used to think I was well, but I wasn’t. After the divorce, I had to rebuild my health and this time, I had a much more holistic and balanced approach. I became a math teacher after struggling with the material myself as a child. I was drawn to wellness coaching for a similar reason. It allows me to utilize my teaching skills along with what I have learned about wellness from a balanced standpoint after my own journey.

8) There is a Difference Between Trust and Complacency

My ex husband gained my trust over many years. He held his word and voiced his thoughts. I trusted him completely. I trusted him so much that I became complacent. I assumed the trust would remain and that he would continue to be honest and faithful. I assumed wrong. I have learned to trust again (through the help of my dog!) but I will never again become complacent. My eyes now remain wide open.

9) Life is Not a Waiting Room

I used to be an expert at delaying life. I would prioritize work and promise myself a break in some imagined future. I would squirrel away money, imaging it being saved for some mythical future. When the divorce washed away my life in one destructive wave, I realized that I was waiting rather than living. I still work hard and I’m still frugal natured, but I no longer put life off for the future.

10) Holding is Out of Love; Clinging is Out of Fear

I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. It was only afterwards that I saw the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move. I now have healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of my control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” Facing my fears has had a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

With some of these lessons, I am now doing master’s level work. With others, I am repeating the introductory course. Either way, it is okay. The point is not to make an “A,” rather the intention is to be open to new lessons and to persevere through even the most difficult tutorials. I just hope I don’t have to endure such a harsh teacher again!