9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Are you dating after divorce yet? I might know someone…” asks your coworker as you share the elevator on Monday morning.

“You’re dating already! Are you sure you’re ready?” questions your friend after hearing your breathless tale of the other night.

“You know,” announces your mom on your weekly phone call, “It’s not too late for you to find someone new. You’ve got to get back out there.”

“You don’t want to rush into anything,” cautions your therapist when you mention that you signed up for a dating site.

The messages we get about when to start dating again after divorce are confusing and often conflicting. And that friction doesn’t only come from outside voices, it also comes from within as we question ourselves and our motivations.

The decision about when to start dating again is a personal one. You can listen to your coworkers, your friends, your family and your professional support system, but ultimately the choice is yours to make.

9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

I took an enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool after my tsunami divorce.

Within six months of my ex disappearing with only a text message, I signed up for Match and went on an average of 8 dates a week. It sounds crazy now. And it was crazy then.

Looking back from the vantage point of being happily remarried many years later, here are some of the pros and cons of jumping back into the dating pool after divorce:

Pro: Distraction

There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Divorce sucks. And it is certainly much more enjoyable to meet somebody for a night on the town than to spend yet another night in your empty home.  The excitement of meeting new people goes a long way towards distracting your brain from your current – and possibly sucky – situation.

Con: Delayed Healing

However, too much distraction only acts to delay the healing process after divorce. Those feelings are there for a reason and they won’t disappear until you face them and process them. You have to grieve the loss of one love before you’re ready for a new love.

Feelings are like a vampire. If you try to bury them, they only come back to bite you.

Pro: A Reminder That You Can Love and Be Loved

With any divorce, but especially those that include betrayal or abandonment, the self-esteem takes a huge beating. And dating is like a salve applied to those wounds. It feels good (and a relief!) to be desired again, to be courted again.

Con: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places

It feels good to be wanted by others, but it’s no substitute for finding love for yourself. One of the biggest lessons in divorce is how to truly get back in touch with you. Don’t let anybody get in your way.

If you seek validation outside of yourself, it’s never enough. If you find validation inside of yourself, it’s always enough.

Pro: Social Companionship

Once you’re back on the dating scene, a “plus one” box on an invitation is no longer something to sweat about. You have those experiences and pictures to share on social media, sending the message to the world (or at least the part of it that matters to you) that you’re still alive and kicking.

Con: Impact on the Former Spouse and the Kids

It is hard for anybody to see their ex moving on. When you enter the dating scene quickly, you’re sending the message to your ex that you’ve moved on from them and your marriage and that they are easy to replace. A similar message may be received by any children, especially if they witness you dating.

We all have baggage. It’s how you carry it that matters.

 

 

Pro: Meet New and Interesting People 

When you’re married, your social circle tends to tighten. Dating provides you with an opportunity to meet new people and open your mind to new ways of thinking, especially if you approach it with a sense of curiosity.

Con: It’s Easy to Compare to Your Ex

When your pillowcase still smells of your ex’s cologne, it’s difficult not to analyze the metrics between your ex and your new date. Over time, it becomes easier to see (and appreciate) each person for who they are and not how they compare.

Sometimes the heart is the first to get the message. And the last to let it go.

 

 

Pro: Helps to Alleviate Pain 

Dating is an analgesic for the wounded heart. It pumps you full of feel-good hormones: raising serotonin that plummeted with divorce, supplying oxytocin that promotes bonding and adding a dash of dopamine to keep you wanting more.

Con: The Pain May Only Be Delayed

People are often surprised at the intensity of the pain felt when a relatively short-term fling ends after divorce. In fact, the pain can often be greater than that of a long-term marriage ending. Part of this is delayed and referred pain resurfacing and another part is because the new relationship was based more on hopes and wishes than reality.

Don’t simply weather the storm. Learn to harness its power.

Pro: Dating Fills Your Calendar

When your married, much of your calendar is filled with family-related activities. Divorce leaves a void. And dating can easily fill that void, replacing those empty days with something to do.

Con: Takes Time Away From Other Things

One of the hidden gifts in divorce is the opportunity to reestablish relationships with friends and family that took a back seat to your marriage. Or, it can be a time to reinvigorate a prior passion that your spouse or situation didn’t support. Dating can steal time away from those meaningful endeavors.

Life’s low tides allow time to appreciate the beauty hidden beneath the surface.

 

Pro: Create a Connection

One of the most pressing human needs is the desire to be understood and accepted. Dating create that opportunity. Even with the shortened timeline, you may find somebody that you are compatible with for the long haul.

Con: You May Expect Too Much Too Soon

Surprisingly, it can be lonelier to be on a date than to be by yourself. Once you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’ve grown accustomed to a certain level of intimacy. And that takes time to build, sometimes leaving a sense of frustration and isolation.

Relationships are formed, not found.

 

 

 

Pro: Fun and Excitement

Dating invites excitement, whether it’s attending a concert together, visiting an escape room or even a stolen weekend away. It’s like a carnival for the older crowd.

Con: It’s Expensive

Obviously, dating is expensive no matter how long you wait after your divorce to do it. But if you jump too soon, you may be struggling to pay your attorney’s fees because of your dinner tab.

My heart was broken, not my spirit.

Pro: You May Be Rescued 

Sometimes life does parallel a rom-com. Maybe you find somebody that will pay off your debts, wipe your tears and make you forget that your divorce ever happened.

Con: You May Be Used

The ugly truth about rescuers is that need to feel needed. Often at your expense. If you’re attracting white knights and enablers, you are probably sending signals that you’re broken. Is that what you want?

I don’t want a knight in shining armor. I want a man that fights by my side.

Ultimately, only you know if you’re ready to start dating again. Here are some questions you may want to consider first:

Are you jumping into dating in order to avoid your feelings?

Are you hoping to provoke a jealous response in your ex?

Are you still involved in the legal divorce process? How will dating impact that?

Are you open and honest with your dates (and yourself!) about your recent divorce and healing status?

Are you looking for your date to be your confidant or your counselor?

Are you trying to fill an ex-shaped void or looking to meet new people?

Are you realistic about the chances of a date soon after divorce turning into a long-term relationship?

In my case, my enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool paid off. I’m about to celebrate my third wedding anniversary with one of the first men I met on Match. It wasn’t an easy road; he had to be patient and understanding with me while I undertook some of the necessary healing that had not yet had time to occur.

Date when you’re ready. Stay anchored in reality. Be open and honest with yourself and others. And above all, have fun and seek to bring fun to others. After all,

The end of a marriage does not mean the end of love.

Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I just want to be healed already!” I said out loud to myself once I closed the car door. I had just finished a Sunday afternoon run where I was caught off guard by tears that came uninvited. Feeling defeated, I let the sobs overtake me as I slumped over the steering wheel. “Great,” I thought, “I was a failure as a wife and now I’m failing as a divorcee.”

A mere hour later, showered and presentable, I responded to a friend’s inquiry about my well-being.

“I’m doing great actually. I barely even think about it.”

Of course, that wasn’t really accurate. I said it because I so desperately wanted it to be true.

To some extent, I think we all play make-believe with our own healing progress at some points. Whether driven by internal motivators or because we fear external judgments, we pretend to be further along than we actually are.

So why do we pretend to be over it when we’re still in the thick of it?

We pretend to be healed because we want to leave it all behind us.

We know that when we’re going through hell, we’re supposed to keep going. But the temptation is strong to try to simply close the door on that hell and pretend as though it never happened. We tire of being known as “the divorcing one,” we groan whenever the lawyer’s missives intrude and more than anything, we just want life to be normal again.

We pretend to be healed because we feel pressure to move on from others.

In the beginning, the sympathy and concern pour forth with abandon. And then the empathic and inquisitive words begin to wane until they are all-but absent. Our pain, so prominent and attended-to int he beginning, has been tossed aside like yesterday’s news. It’s not that others no longer care, it’s that either they have reached compassion fatigue or they are unaware of how long it can take to heal.

We pretend to be healed because we are impatient with the healing process.

Healing from divorce is a marathon. No, scratch that. It’s an ultramarathon. It goes on and on and on. And every time you think you’re over it, the finish line seems to have moved just a little bit further away. All of that is not even taking into account the Chutes and Ladders nature of healing, where every arduous climb can seemingly be undone in an instant.

How to Be Patient With a Procrastinating Healing Process

We pretend to be healed because we feel ashamed for still struggling so much.

“It’s been five years and I’m still really struggling,” the voice whispers to me over the phone on an introductory coaching call. Unspoken, but evident behind those words was, “I’m ashamed that I’m still struggling so much after all this time.” A shame that had led this particular person to pretend to be “over it” with everyone around them. It was only to themselves on the long nights – and now to me – that they could admit that healing was still ongoing.

We pretend to be healed so that we can adhere to some prescribed timeline.

We have a tendency to put too much importance on anniversaries – assuming that as soon as some arbitrary date rolls around, we will have magically shed our pain. You wait for that date with anticipation, as though it’s a graduation and you will receive your freedom. And then when the day passes and the relief hasn’t come, you decide to simply pretend that diploma stating your completion of healing.

Healing does not speak calendar.

Lisa Arends

What’s the problem with pretending to be healed?

When we don’t give ourselves the space or the time to heal, we risk stalling or even complicating the process. Much like with a wound to the flesh, ignoring it or sealing it in without first washing it out can lead to a larger problem than the initial injury.

Furthermore, when we are playing make-believe, we are preventing others from being able to render aide and we are closing ourselves off from receiving help. It can be scary to admit that you’re not okay. But often the only way to get there is by first admitting that you’re not.

There are no “shoulds” when it comes to healing. You’ll get there on your own path and on your timeline. Be patient enough to take the time you need. Be brave enough to speak your truth. And be humble enough to admit when you need help.

6 Powerful Ways to Create Your Own Closure After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
closure divorce

I was seeking closure within hours of the unexpected text my husband sent informing me that he was leaving. Feeling powerless at the lack of communication and information, I sat in front of the fire pit feeding photos, notes and letters into the hungry flames.

I hoped that the ritual would help me find acceptance that it was over.

But my pursuit for closure had only just begun.

—–

Months before walking out on me, my husband ended a job. He gave them two weeks notice, had a sit-down meeting with the owners where he explained his reasons for leaving and he maintained open lines of communication so that business matters could be transferred smoothly.

I received none of that courtesy. And for the better part of a year, I fixated on that fact, convinced that I needed him to provide explanations and even excuses that would allow me to close the door on our marriage.

I became obsessed with understanding the “why” behind the marital explosion, certain in my belief that this was key to moving on. I played around with labels –  narcissist, sociopath, addict – in a bid for understanding. But none of those designations brought peace.

I was frustrated. Furious, actually. I felt as though he had stolen my voice by sneaking out without contact and that he carried my chances for closure with him. It was the heartbreak that kept on giving.

Finally, I grew tired of the snipe hunt for closure as the legal proceedings wound down without any real answers or resolution and he continued to act as though our marriage had never happened.

And so I shifted my focus, putting my energy into me instead of funneling it into the black hole that he had become.

And the strangest thing happened.

I found peace.

And isn’t that what we really mean by closure?

Closure is an acceptance of what has happened, a sense of power over ones own well-being and a feeling of moving on.

And none of those require the participation of the other person.

You have everything you need to create your own closure. Here’s how –

  1. Understand the Limitations of Explanations

It’s easy to get caught up in the belief that as soon as you receive an apology, you’ll be able to move on. Or that once you hear that you were the love of their lives, you can let go. Be honest with yourself. Is thereanythingthat they can say that will erase the pain? Are there any words powerful enough to bring everything to an emotionless close? The words you seek are the ones you need to hear, not the ones that they need to say. Once you accept the limitations of any explanations that your former spouse can give you, it’s easier to move on without them.

You Don’t Need to Understand in Order to Move On

  1. Find or Create Meaning

We naturally seek to find order and purpose in our surroundings. And so when something, such as divorce, is discordant, it causes pain and confusion. Look within the ruins of your marriage for some hidden gifts. Maybe you now have an opportunity to move back to the city that always felt like home. Perhaps you’re finally getting in touch with who you are. Or it could be that this rock-bottom is turning out to be an impressive foundation for a new and improved you. If nothing is immediately evident, create purpose in your post-divorce life. When something has meaning, it’s easier to accept the changes that had to place to get there.

  1. Write the Letter You Want to Read

I know this sounds strange, but I promise it is one of the most powerful exercises you can do. Write a letter from your ex-partner to you, saying all of those things that you need to hear before you can move on. Don’t censor yourself, allow the words to flow and probably the tears too. And once it’s written, read the letter. And then read it again. Keep reading it until you believe the words within. After all, what you’re looking for is really just proof that you were loved, that you will be remembered and that you are worthy of love again. And you don’t need anybody else to tell you that.

Powerful Ways to Use Journaling After Divorce

  1. Start Your Next Chapter

Life isn’t like a book; you can start the next chapter even while you’re still wrapping up the one before. Don’t fall into the trap of waiting to live until you’re healed. Invest your energy into your life and allow the healing to happen alongside. A big part of closure is releasing some of the pain from the past. And a great way to lessen pain is to focus on cultivating joy.

  1. Don’t Obsess About Closure

Are you stalking your ex’s Facebook page in a quest to see them looking miserable? Are you endlessly dissecting the end of your marriage looking for explanations and reasons? Are you giving the detritus from your marriage more power than it deserves, destroying pictures and hiding trinkets? This obsession with finding closure will only serve to delay it. Closure comes from living in the present, not from being consumed by the past. If you’re struggling with this, try instituting boundaries – delete social media accounts, have a plan for distraction when your mind wanders into dangerous territory and redecorate your space to create a clean slate.

  1. Don’t Take it Personally

 

I eventually realized that my own roadblock to finding closure was that I was taking my ex’s actions personally. He not only did these things, but I was convinced he did them to me. Because of me. Over time, I started to understand that I was just collateral damage in his own battles, not a target to be obliterated. And that was a powerful realization. When it’s no longer about you, it’s much easier to let go and to move on.

You have the power to flip the sign on the past to “closed” as you step powerfully into your new life.

And on the other side, here are three times where you shouldn’t seek closure.

 

When Giving the Benefit of the Doubt Goes Too Far

Posted on by stilllearning2b
benefit of the doubt

I thought I was doing the right thing by giving my ex-husband the benefit of the doubt.

When he blamed a bank error for the lack of money in the checking account, I believed his explanation. As his demeanor shifted over our last months together and he seemed preoccupied, I was more than ready to blame it on the alarming and unusual hypertension issues he was having. And when he told me that he would never leave, I listened without reservation.

I had always believed that choosing to see your spouse in the best light possible was part of a happy marriage. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had allowed giving the benefit of the doubt to go too far.

Instead of seeing the best parts of him, I was seeing the man I wanted him to be.

Lisa Arends

The following seven questions will help you determine if you are giving someone the benefit of the doubt or if you’re letting it slide into excusing poor behavior.

1 – Are you ignoring signs in your gut that something is wrong?

Our subconscious minds are smart. Very smart. And yet we often dismiss what they’re telling us because it doesn’t align with what our rational brains have concluded (AKA confirmation bias).

Are you experiencing headaches or stomach troubles? Getting sick more often? Having trouble sleeping? Feeling usually anxious or irritable? All of those can be signs that you’re ignoring something beneath the surface.


2 – Do you give this person the benefit of the doubt consistently and across many areas?

Everybody makes mistakes. And everybody has areas of weakness where they may struggle to meet your expectations. It’s kind and completely appropriate to give somebody the benefit of the doubt when they are coming from a place of good intentions and show regret and/or effort to improve.

Problems arise when you find yourself continually making excuses for the same person and when those pardons cover a wide range of behaviors and situations. It’s one thing for them to mess up periodically or to struggle within a defined area, but if there are more wrongs than rights, they may be taking advantage of your kind nature.

3 – Do you have anxiety when you consider looking closer or confronting the person?

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt should not a substitute for the difficult conversations. When you notice someone of concern, are you jumping to excuses in lieu of looking closer or asking questions? If so, you may be providing a shield for their covert operations.

Trust, but verify. Ask, but listen with an open mind. Be willing to give the benefit of the doubt because you believe in them not because you’re afraid to face the truth.

4 – Who is initiating giving the benefit of the doubt – you or your partner?

If your partner is frequently offering up excuses or providing you with guiding lines such as, “Come on, you know I would never mean to do that,” they may not be deserving of your confidence. Instead, if you reach the conclusion independently and without pressure, it is a sign that it may be deserved.

5 – Is there a discrepancy in your acceptance or certain behaviors with them versus other people?

Do you find that you make excuses for your partner’s behaviors but that you are less tolerant of similar in others? This is a sign that your feelings for your partner or commitment to the relationships may be blinding you to the truth.

It’s natural to interpret the actions of those we care about in a favorable light and to paint strangers more harshly. But when the discrepancy is great, it may be time to reconsider your stance.

6 – How do the facts align with your conclusion?

First, make sure that you have some facts to support your conclusion. Even if they’re circumstantial (after all, we’re trying to be intentional in a relationship, not win a court case). For example, if you’re tempted to pass off your partner’s withdrawal to a period of intensity at work, ask yourself if this is a typical pattern of behavior for them under similar circumstances.

If the facts are spare or you’re unsure about them, go ahead and give the benefit of the doubt while at the same time making a mental note. Or, if this is a one off, let it be. If you start to see a pattern, pay attention.

7 – Do you re-evaluate your stance periodically and are you willing to change your mind?

This is one of those uncomfortable truths that I don’t like to face – it probably took a tsunami-level betrayal for me to accept the reality about my ex-husband. Anything less, and I would have tried to have talk myself out of what I seeing.

He had proven himself trustworthy in the early years of our relationship and I let that conclusion stand for the next dozen or so years. I made the mistake of believing that he still was what he used to be. And I ignored any signs to the contrary.

Getting to know somebody never ends. Never allow yourself to become so comfortable in a relationship that you neglect to see the truth. Keep your eyes open and trust in yourself that you can handle whatever you see. Being generous with giving the benefit of the doubt is part of a happy marriage, but only if you give it mindfully and appropriately.

It’s good to give someone the benefit of the doubt but be careful that you’re not giving up yourself in the process.

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Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the chilled and vacant bed to the endless evening hours to the loss of a trusted confidant, the void left in your life after divorce can be both vast and agonizing. The emptiness begs to be filled, the cracks call for smoothing over and you try to distract yourself from staring too long at the vastness of the crater in your life.

Watch Out For These Unhealthy Ways to Fill the Void-

In an attempt to soothe the initial pain from divorce, many of us first turn to one or more of the following unhealthy (and ultimately ineffectual) methods of trying to fill the vacuum:

Filling Your Belly to Try to Fill Your Heart

 

When you’re feeling gutted and vacuous, it can be natural to turn to food for relief, mistaking the temporary physical fullness for emotional satiety. There is a very real link between emotions and food – we often speak of “comfort foods,” bring food to those in mourning and bond with others over a meal. Yet the real comfort comes less from the sustenance and more from the nourishment of the connection with others.

When you attempt to feed an emotional hunger with food, you will never be completely satisfied because you are addressing the wrong area of need. Repeatedly turning to food may have a detrimental impact on your health and will also serve to widen the disconnect between your mind and body.

Avoiding Reality With Alcohol or Drugs

 

Emptiness is uncomfortable. A sense of free falling through space is frightening. In those dark and lonely hours when you’re alone and worried that you’ll always be alone, it can be tempting to numb the pain and quiet the fear through chemistry.

And there will be relief in the moment, those blissful moments where you are able to forget reality and embrace a dream world. Yet reality always bursts back in, throwing open the door and blinding you with its harshness. Trying to avoid it only delays the inevitable confrontation and acceptance.

Bolstering Confidence With Shopping

 

It’s no wonder that shopping is a common pastime for those that are feeling down – the hunt of a good bargain and the acquisition of new baubles rewards us with a feel-good burst of dopamine. Those who have experienced an esteem hit after infidelity and/or divorce can be especially drawn to the appeal of covering the vulnerable skin with fancy clothes, new cars or a designer house.

Shopping gives us an opportunity to briefly occupy a fantasy world where the advertisements and markers have us convinced that material goods are associated with a particular life. But the thrill is always temporary, the boost short-lived. Chasing the tail of this dragon can ultimately be devastating to both your wallet and your well-being.

Distracting From the Pain by Dating

When you’re facing the heartbreak and the hollowness that follows the end of a relationship, there can be a powerful craving to experience the excitement and potential of new partnerships (even if they only last the night). Giving in to this desire too soon is like going to the grocery store hungry; you are not going to be able to make good decisions.

Additionally, when you’re still vulnerable, dating can often serve to highlight the void you feel as you realize that this person in front of you is really a stranger and that your early feelings are more hope and projection than actuality. It’s often better to wait to re-enter the dating scene until that compulsive desire to replace your partner has faded.

Passing the Time By Consuming Media

 

What is easiest is often not what is best for us. And nowhere in modern culture is this more apparent than in the consumption of media. In a moment of loneliness, we may turn to Facebook for the sense of connection, yet studies show that browsing the platform leaves people feeling even more isolated. When we’re feeling low, we easily give in to a Netflix binge, expecting to feel more rested. When instead, television (especially when consumed in binges), only intensifies feelings of sadness and fatigue.

Instead, Try These to Fill the Void – 

The previous strategies may work for a short period of time but ultimately, they will cause more harm than good as they prevent you from healing the wound from within. Instead of leaning on those quick fixes in an attempt to fill the void left from divorce, try building yourself up through the following strategies. Be patient – these methods may take longer to work than the unhealthier ones, but their results are lasting and authentic.

Finding Purpose Through Work

 

With divorce, you lose one of your major life roles, that of husband or wife. It can be an uncanny feeling as you wonder what position you now occupy and what purpose you now serve. Depending upon your particular circumstances, this can be an opportunity to allocate more of your energy into your career.

You may find that the changes in your life allow you to take bigger risks or to break out of your standard mold. Changes in your home life may have given you extra time to commit to your job or financial matters may necessitate that you undertake a new endeavor.

Often, when you’re feeling like a failure in your personal life, successes at work take on even greater meaning. Use this opportunity to recommit or reinvent your work persona. Strive to carve out a position where you feel needed, appreciated and interested.

 

Building Strength and Poise Through Movement

 

Divorce has a way of making you feel weak. Powerless. And exercise in any form is an excellent way to begin to reclaim your strength and feeling of control over your life. The best form of exercise to undertake is the one that you enjoy and that you can pledge yourself to.

It’s harder to feel powerless when you accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. It’s harder to feel vulnerable when you feel the increase in your performance capacity from week to week. As you throw yourself into movement, focusing on form and breath, the void no longer seems so vast or so dark.

If you’re struggling with sadness and isolation during unstructured hours, use exercise to build a framework around those times. If you flounder without accountability, sign up for group or team exercise so that you have others to answer to. And if you’re feeling disconnected from your body, opt for yoga or weight training so that you can again reconnect with yourself.

 

 

Reclaiming Vitality Through a Passion Project

 

What endeavor encourages you into a state of flow, where your entire focus is on what is at hand and time seems to stop? What activity did you used to enjoy in your youth or dream about turning into a career? What is something that you have always been curious about trying but practicality and circumstances have stopped you? These are hints about your passions, your interests that both consume you and fuel you.

The period after divorce provides a wonderful opportunity for pursuing or restoring a passion project. I know of people who have picked up the violin again, started stand-up comedy, written a book or chartered a non-profit charity. Others, selecting a more physical approach, sign up for a marathon or strive to earn the next belt level in Jiu Jitsu.

The “what” matters less than the enthusiasm you have for the enterprise. When you throw yourself into something that you enjoy and find success in, you breathe life back into the hole in your heart. When you’re passionate about something, you focus more on creation rather than any residual emptiness.

 

Rising By Lifting Others

 

When we’re feeling alone and eviscerated by divorce, we can easily become a captive of our own minds. The thoughts cycle and the self-pity begins to grow in our emotional isolation. Perhaps the best way to both put problems in perspective and help jettison us from our thoughts is by empowering others.

If you have children, strive to help them become strong, independent and compassionate people. Reach out to your friends and family that are in need and find ways to help to liberate them from their struggles. Help strangers through your church or a volunteer organization, selflessly sending positivity into the world. If you find people overwhelming, consider helping by adopting an abandoned pet or volunteering in an animal shelter.

Giving to others helps you feel better about yourself and also allows you to shift your focus away from your pain. As you give to others, you will find that paradoxically, you become filled yourself.

 

Generating Legacy Through Creation

Some of the most beautiful and lasting art, music and prose has been born of heartbreak. Even if you’re not destined to be the next Shakespeare or next year’s Beyoncé, you can still use your pain as an impetus for creation.

Even if it never sees the light of day, the mere act of using your sorrow as a conduit through your medium of choice helps to transform your relationship with the heartache. As you create, you’re building scaffolding throughout that void left from divorce. Scaffolding that you can then use to begin to climb your way out of the darkness.